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Clonoe Waspkeeper Still Waiting For Wasps To Produce Jam

Carson, yesterday

Carson, yesterday


A Clonoe man who set up his own business over a year ago is hoping that 2014 is the year he finds success.

33-year old Dylan Carson, from Washingbay Road in Clonoe, set up a wasp-keeping business last April against the advice of family, friends, neighbours, botanists, colleagues and passers-by in the street. The entrepreneur was adamant that the insects would be producing ‘jam by the hive-load’ in a matter of weeks.

“Waspkeeping is the new beekeeping”, said a confident Carson. “Read the papers and they’ll tell you bees is on the way out. They’re the same as the dinosaurs, expect smaller and buzzier. That’s why I got ahead of the game and got some wasps. I don’t think I did it right last year which is why they didn’t lay any jam. But I’m older and wiser this year, and I’m feeding them fresh strawberries and apricots. Not long now boys, not long now”,

he said, eagerly rubbing his hands together.

Carson admitted that the project had had ‘a few minor teething problems’, including an incident when he got stung over 200 times after accidentally sitting on one of the nests, and then finding out he was allergic to wasp stings.

“Aye, that’s one of things you learn as a waspkeeper that you don’t really realise. Wasps can sting a wee bit. Jaysus, that was some month in hospital. My arse was all swolled up like a balloon. Not having a proper waspkeeper’s costume was what did it. I just used an old balaclava and a pair of gardening gloves. Some handlin’ wasps”.

Challenged about the merits of keeping wasps, Carson was forthright in his explanation.

“Wasps? What’s wrong with keeping wasps? There’s stranger things that people are keeping and no-one bats an eyelid, like books, or houses. Or goals. It’s just a matter of understanding the wasps, see?” he said. “A lot of wasps have got anger management problems, but really when you get to know them they’re friendly craters. All that’s needed is a bit of tender loving care. They’re nice wee things”, he said as he slammed a wasp against the window with a rolled up Dungannon Observer. “Apart from that one”.

If successful, Carson plans to offer his services to others by becoming a wasp whisperer. He had a previous business which failed in 2012, when he discovered that moths were unable to produce marmalade.

Storms Blew Things Across Atlantic To Tyrone Including Old People

Pensioners take off from States

Pensioners take off from States

With the news that a Canadian bird has landed in a lough in Tyrone after been forced over by storms, more people have come forward with other artefacts blown from across the Atlantic, including pensioners.

The Pacific Diver bird which was spotted in Lough Fea appears to have opened the floodgates as people now realise where the new things in their area have come from. Leo Daly, a fitter from Eglish, was one of the first to come forward with evidence:

“The news of that bird made the penny drop. Last week I went out the lift the milk one morning and I spotted two female pensioners sitting on top of my shed. I shouted for them to get down and they told me they had no idea where they were in these mad American accents. I just shrugged it off as one of those things.”

Pensioners were also spotted flying through the sky in Strabane, Newtownstewart, Sion Mills and Aghyaran. Scientist Pat Morgan explained this phenomenon:

“Old people are remarkably light and resilient. I myself have witnessed pensioners in The Moy being lifted 40-45 feet across a road on a good gusty day. In America it’s probably more common and relatives turn a blind eye to it as the elderly have an incredible homing ability when lost. 3000 miles is a long oul jaunt I suppose.”

The storm theory also solves the overnight appearance of a McDonalds with Canadians inside it in a field in Clonoe. Locals simply put it down to the unstoppable globalisation of the fast food brand until the customers finally emerged and started playing ice hockey down the Washingbay Road.

Authorities have warned locals not to be keeping any people blown over here and mysteriously claiming for dependents.

Tyrone Estate Agents April Catalogue Top Offers

Washingbay Road, Coalisland

dilapidated1This excellent 7 bedroom detached two storey dwelling with missing double garage is located on the hiving Washingbay Road, approximately half a mile from the busy lights of Coalisland and far enough from Stewartstown. There is the option to purchase an additional 2 acres of unrelated black-turfed bogland in Derrylaughan. The property is in close proximity of both Coalisland and Clonoe GAA pitches, multi-denominational churches with Fr Benny’s sermons a local must-do experience, Landi’s, Springisland carvery, the former sandpit I think and scenic routes rambling across the ramparts to Derrytresk to find the bag-wielding woman, South Tyrone Hospital for plasters, Dr McKenna’s surgery and the Brackaville 9-hole deluxe Golf Course. The property needs some renovation and will undoubtedly attract a huge amount of interest and would make an excellent family home for people from Brocagh or the Windmill.

Offers over £175,000

Neagh’s Edge, Ardboe

dsc_5089Bright and spacious, needs window panes and a bit of residential roofing help,  this detached family home offers excellent accommodation with panoramic views over the Lough. The property offers excellent family accommodation with four well proportioned walls and all the outside toilet you want. A master bedroom en-suite has yet to be completed as no one knows what that is. Viewing is essential to fully appreciate this magnificent home and the surrounding views and privacy. Local phrase book ‘Ghost-Oh’ will help non-local buyers. Shouts from the Battery Bar usually dies down at midnight, as soon as the first bare-knuckler hits the deck. Please use a face-netting device to ward off midges on viewing. Comes with free fishing rod.

Offers over £80’000

Merchanstown Road, Loughmacrory

1008_stiltsThis superb detached 4 bedroom bungalow is situated approximately 1 mile from the Village of Loughmacrory and 12 feet into the air, supported by stilts. Internally the property is finished to a very high standard and most be viewed to be fully appreciated.  Great parking facilities. Burglar-proof and a great deterrent to boys selling tickets for Omagh GAA. The recent million-pound sports deal in Loughmacrory will see this property turn to gold-dust as a rental opportunity for Ethiopian long-distance runners, Canadian curlers and the like. Get on the Loughmacrory market NOW!

Offers over £45’000

Sessiadonaghy Road, Galbally

5081762595_c64dea1926_zThis generous 1 acre site has unrestricted planning permission and is located on the Sessiadonaghy road, approximately 4 miles from the village of Donaghmore, far enough to avoid tuts of middle-class displeasure. Needs to be viewed internally if possible to understand the character that once existed in this ex-brothel amidst rural Galbally. Local priest is nearly sure this once-haunted dwelling is now clean. The fallen tree is optional.

Offers over £30 or E50

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