Kiwis, before the kicking

Coalisland writer Roy Sherry has admitted to completely decimating a local supermarket’s fruit section, and in particular the kiwis, in a fit of temper after the heartbreaking Irish loss to New Zealand in a rugby test in Dublin today. Sherry, the town’s only rugby fanatic, was described as possessing ‘mad eyes on him’ as he rampaged his way through Newell Stores half an hour after the game.

Shelf operator Kitty McGlone described:

“Jaysus he was fit to be tied. I knew he was fierce passionate about Ireland rugby but this was frightening. He kept shouting ‘where are the buckin kiwis?’ but we’d have plenty of people shouting things like that every day so no one batted an eyelid. I saw him run straight at the fruit section like an Olympic sprinter and do a two-footed mid-air sliding tackle on the kiwi punnets.”

Eyewitnesses described him jumping up and down on the kiwis shouting, ‘how do yiz like this haka, yiz Oceanic buckers’ and other similar phrases. Shop manager Mary Newell (49) intervened when a crowd began to gather to encourage the stamping session:

“By the time I got there, men were goading him into destroying any product with all-black packaging on it. As soon as I saw him pull down his trouser zip I rugby tackled him before things escalated. Sherry remarked that I could show Tommy Bowe a lesson or two, which I was secretly chuffed about.”

This was the second successive week Sherry has been caught taking a rugby defeat badly. Seven days ago he was evicted from two pubs in the town after the Australia win over Ireland, for firing his pint glass through both pubs’ TV screens for showing Celebrity Get Me Outta Here, set in the Aussie outback.

PSNI officials let Sherry off with a final warning