Monthly Archives: September 2023
Harte Sets Sights On Reclaiming Cookstown, Ardboe & Greencastle Into Greater Derry As Well As Turning Flag Upside Down
A leaked document has revealed that Mickey Harte will approach Owen Mulligan, Brian McGuigan and Sean Teague to be the faces of a new ‘Greater Derry’ campaign, activating an old geographical claim dating back to 1782 to some of north Tyrone.
Harte has also approached Derry GAA HQ to ask if they would consider having the white part of the flag closer to the pole and promoting a new supporter chant ‘Derry, yer on yer own, sir’.
In a final demand, Mickey’s second-in-command Horse Devlin is to be given a caravan in Ballyronan for family holidays with spectacular views of the Lough, a free boat ride from the Marina once a month, and tickets to Dana’s next concert.
The family of Mulligan has revealed concerns that his hair has started to turn ginger again because of stress since the news of Cookstown’s possible move into the Oak Leaf. Sean Teague was spotted punching the Sperrin Mountains above Greencastle in anger, whilst Brian McGuigan has embraced the idea of becoming a Derry man if it brings more customers to the pub.
A third cousin of Joe Brolly from Maghera told us:
“This is like Barry McElduff donning a sash and bating a lambeg through Carrickmore. Rub it up them Tyrone ones. We might be inbred but Sam’s coming home next year. Derry amongst the bushes!”
The EU has offered military reinforcements for the Tyrone Derry NFL game next year.
Tyrone Man Wakes From Operation Thinking He’s Elvis
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
A county Tyrone man woke following keyhole surgery in Belfast, refused to believe he was not Mr Elvis Presley, and had to be sedated within minutes of waking from an operation to treat concussion, according to reports this morning.
Danny Shields, with an address just off Jacksonville Road in Moygashel, was in for an unexpected but fairly standard operation to relieve swelling above the eyebrows, after he was clipped by a bus coming out of TK Maxx in the middle of Belfast.
We understand he woke after the two-hour procedure with a quiff and a pair of golden black tinted sunglasses on him that none of the staff at the Royal operating theatre could account for, screaming “you’ll not get your vaccine in me” and “ah ha huuuing”, kicking and screaming before he had to undergo further unplanned anesthesia “for his own safety”.
Mr Shields’ only sister (who did not want to be named) was distraught when first informed by hospital staff, and said she really couldn’t understand it, and that the only music he likes was “the flute bands up in Londonderry in the summer” and “Neil Diamond’s Penny Arcade”. She described him as a born-again Christian, who kept all of his tattoos to remind him of his past and that he wouldn’t hurt a fly now.
We caught up with the general manager of the hospital, Mr Kildare:
“We can confirm that a 53-year-old son of two from Tyrone was admitted today after an incident with one of the new Belfast city electric buses. He woke after a procedure singing American songs, screaming out for cheeseburgers, and lashing out at staff. The individual (whom I am medically qualified and legally permitted to call a male for the purposes of this statement) had to be restrained and put under for his own safety and the safety of my staff. We hope to keep him sedated for the rest of tonight so we can conduct CT scans and a full suite of blood tests”.
The Belfast Mayor has again appealed for caution when in the vicinity of the new electric city buses after three sleeping pigeons, a binman, and a man trying to steal a hubcap were run over by them, so far this month.
Double Vaccinated Parents Barred From Ballygawley Sports Day Race For Having Longer Limbs Now
St Feckin’s PS in Ballygawley has notified parents who received at least two Covid vaccines that they are barred from competing in the parents’ race at the sports day next year, due to complaints from local non-vaccinated residents who claim their friends’ limbs grew over an inch each since the jabs were issued.
Although top scientists are refusing to confirm the larger limb syndrome, governors in the school have acted quickly to bar the vaccinated parents, with other local primary schools to follow suit before long.
One teacher, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that she has been able to reach the cereal cupboard in her house ever since she received her second dose, having previously stood on a stool or asked her tallest son to grab it for him. The tallest son can now touch the ceiling, having had two boosters.
Principal Steven Kinhead (48) confirmed:
“Yes, we are barring any parents who have received at least two jabs. I know of about ten people in Ballygawley who have longer legs now and it simply isn’t fair. The high jump competition was a farce last year.”
There will be a race for vaccinated parents but it will not be timed and no medals will be given out.
Years Of Lough Neagh Neglect See Double-Headed Eels, Kamikaze Midges and Nessie Snub
Lough Neagh is ‘quickly becoming an apocalyptic nightmare’ according to scientists at a prestigious university in Europe, labeling the current owner of the bed and banks of Lough Neagh, the 12th Earl of Shaftesbury, Nicholas Ashley-Cooper, ‘the new Dr Frankenstein of the 21st Century’.
As recently as last week, fishermen on the western shore near Ardboe have sworn they saw an eel with two heads, with one head talking to the other, as well as midges sky-diving into rocks in order to avoid the toxic effects of the green algae which has been allowed to envelope the waters.
Dr Brian McCourt, a famed microbiologist at Brussels University warned:
“It’s quite possible that we’re looking at the re-emergence of some of the most dangerous extinct animals ever to exist, emerging from a tragically mis-managed Lough. Examples include the Pollanasaurus, the Great Blue Pike, and various megladons. These enormous prehistoric sharks will make fishing rather difficult.”
Scottish sea-monster Nessie has declined to take up his daily visit to Lough Neagh to watch the bands in August, citing he’d rather swim in a sewer than even look at the state of the Lough.
Tyrone Tribulations 