Monthly Archives: July 2024
County’s Farmers Excited As Round Baling To Be Introduced At 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles
Farmers across the county were spotted training as early as 4am this morning after it was announced that round-baling will be trialled at the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles, with high hopes that Tyrone can win gold, silver, and bronze at the Games in the same event.
As well as modern round-baling competitions, there will also be individual events in mowing, turning, rowing, and traditional bale-stacking, although the Polish are favourites for those events.
Pat McGurk, a 61-year-old farmer from outside Cookstown, is adamant he’ll be in Los Angeles in 2028:
“I can do up to 500 round bales on a good day if I’m up early. I can’t see anyone competing with that, and I include the Chinese. I know there’s a man in Kildress who can do over 400 but I know for a fact he’s on the performance-enhancing drugs. His tractor also won’t make the cut as it’s one of them Big Buds from America and it has something like a 3000L engine.”
Tyrone haven’t won an Olympic medal since 1928 when Danny Talbot from Brackaville finished third in the poetry competition with the poem “Cock-Fighting On The Bridge”. His bronze medal was subsequently taken back after it emerged he had copied the poem from a school textbook.
Travel Agents In Moy ‘Bunged To Gills’ After Armagh Reach All-Ireland Final
Queues stretching as far as Charlemont were reported yesterday as hundreds of Tyrone people from the south of the county booked holidays from Jordan’s Travel Agents in the Moy in the immediate aftermath of the All-Ireland semi-finals. In an unrelated event, their neighbours Armagh qualified for their first All-Ireland final in 22 years.
Early indications suggest that the favoured destination was ‘anywhere you can get me‘ and for a timespan of ‘at least 14 days‘. One holiday-goer, Freddie Cavanagh, spoke to us after leaving the shop following a 3-hour queueing session:
“Ach we just decided we need out of here for a bit. There weren’t many places left by the time we got into the shop and ended up booking a package holiday in South Sudan for 18 days. It was cheap and we were told it might be a bit dangerous but sure we went to Strabane last week and it was grand. It’ll do.”
Jordan’s Travel Agents cited their busiest day since September 2002 and reckon the poor weather has pushed people to extreme measures.
Meanwhile, the Moy Safe Neighbourhood Watch (MSNW) group is on high alert after plans for a successful Armagh homecoming were leaked this morning. The timeline includes mistakenly taking a wrong turn before they get to Armagh city, and driving through Eglish and the Moy. The MSNW has warned of zero tolerance towards unwanted traffic.
Mulligan & Harte To Choose Entrance Songs For Pundit Face-Off On BBC Coverage This Weekend
Hundreds of thousands are expected to tune in to the BBC this weekend as Mickey Harte returns to the airwaves as a pundit alongside fellow county-man Owen Mulligan. Insiders have confirmed that the BBC will separate the two Tyrone men until the last moment, with their make-up departments at opposite sides of the ground.
Additionally, both men have been asked to choose entrance songs before going live, accompanied by pyrotechnics and fireworks just outside the commentary box. Although both men are keeping their song choices close to their chest, a musical director within the BBC admitted:
“We believe Mulligan is going for ‘Prodigal Son‘ by the Rolling Stones whilst Harte is veering towards ‘If I Could Turn Back Time‘ by Cher. Mulligan is also asking for a custom-made robe to be sewn for the occasion with flashing red hands on it, whilst holding a brolly. It should be quite the spectacle.”
Michael Murphy has been spotted doing weights at a gym in Donegal, suggesting he will be used as security if things get physical in the studio at the weekend.
BBC NI Weather Team Accused Of Making It Rain On Purpose
Cynics online have confirmed they have proof the BBC NI weather team has been secretly manipulating the weather so that people will tune in to hear if the bad news will improve. Additionally, it has emerged that Barra Best’s favourite song is Cloudbusting by Kate Bush, a song about a rain-making process that involved using a machine.
Rumours first emerged weeks ago that the BBC NI team was affecting the weather after three of them were spotted on Portstewart beach performing a ritual dance while having a barbecue. Within hours it was hail-stoning across the country.
One online cynic added:
“I’ve no doubt that Barra, Cecilia, Angie and Geoff are fiddling with the weather. When they’re talking about it raining and stuff you can see them smirking. How come in the 1990s it was sunny from May til September and now I’ve a duffle coat on me in Bundoran? It’s all to do with the Matrix and they’re in it.”
An estimated 1.5m people are set to tune into the weather today at 6.55pm to see if there will be any sun tomorrow.
Disappointing Turnout By Graveyard Residents At Local Westminster Elections
Parties across the spectrum here have expressed disappointment at the lack of votes by the dead this year in today’s election, citing apathy and lack of effort on the part of the deceased.
The departed, who at one time accounted for up to 40% of votes in the six counties, retaliated by claiming very little has been done in recent years ‘to jazz up the graves’ and tackle underage drinking and littering around the place.
Sinn Fein activist Geroid McClenaghan fumed:
“There was a time when our dearly departed made the effort on voting day and that was the difference betwen being elected or being left on the scrapheap. Now, they are not just resting in peace, they’re being god damn lazy. The don’t make the dead the way they used to. I blame modern society.”
Roddy McGrin, who died in 1956, hit back:
“Themuns up in Stormont sitting on their holes doing nothing for us here in the cemetery. It’s like being in hell here. Younguns full on Buckfast dancing to music with no words til all hours at night and no cops about. Why should we bother our backsides backing them wasters? I’d rather be six-foot under than vote for that shower. Oh, wait….”
Meanwhile, voting in Coalisland was suspended from 5-6pm after Landi’s announced a Happy Hour with a sausage supper and Lilt costing just £3.99.
Irish Government To Raise Taxes After Dublin’s Elimination From Championship
The Irish nation has turned its anger towards Galway and Galwegians, as well as referee Sean Hurson, after it emerged a wave of tax rises is to come into effect next week, to counter the loss of revenue from not having Dublin supporters at the latter stages of the championship, as well as to raise money for training funds to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
In what was described as an apocalyptical nightmare for the Irish Finance Division, the banking system went into meltdown as soon as Galbally’s Sean Hurson blew the final whistle on Saturday evening. Early estimates suggest that Dublin’s exit might cost the tax-payer an extra €6 a day over the next 12 months.
We got some early reactions from those affected:
“Why didn’t that bollocks Hurson not allow another minute? I know why, he’s up north and won’t be affected by the fallout. I was already stung this morning. I got a sausage roll that cost me €3. Last week it was €2.79.” PETER FROM KILDARE
“They should just tax the hell outta the Galway ones; they caused this with their assertive brand of football. The Dublin government will bleed us dry now, to pump more money into the Dublin training fund.” MARY FROM MAYO
The Dublin squad met for a debrief on Sunday morning at a swimming pool in Drumcondra. Locals said they heard a lot of shouting by men in suits and several players as well as manager Dessie Farrell left the pool crying.
Government Approve Plans To Re-Deploy Teachers Over The Summer On The Roads
Officials at Stormont have rubberstamped plans to use teachers in July and August, with most being asked to refill potholes, cut hedges, or operate temporary start-stop signs at roadworks.
Although all teaching unions have vowed to fight the decision, government insiders are convinced that the decision cannot be overturned, with one remarking ‘this will wipe the smug smirks off their faces’.
DUP councillor Margarite Bryson explained:
“Teachers wouldn’t need to forget that they work for the government. They get paid a full wage for doing nothing for two months apart from going for coffee or living it up in Majorca. We’ve already earmarked a road outside Toome that has 17 potholes and the hedges need a good trimming. If we can assign about 10 teachers to that road in July it’ll be in some shape by September.”
Three teachers have already taken up work on a road near the Moy, taking turns to operate the temporary stop-start sign. Unfortunately, one of the teachers, who normally teaches RE, pulled a muscle in her left arm and is out on the sick for three months.
Tyrone Tribulations 