Category Archives: Cappagh
Cappagh Beauty Queen Contestant Accidentally Wins Local Gurning Competition
Miss Cappagh/Gurner
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Locals were left in confusion on Saturday afternoon at the Cappagh Summer Show after the gurning competition was accidentally won by a woman who had intended to the enter the ‘Miss Cappagh 2013’ contest.
It is thought that the judging process became confused after several of the judges had participated in the ‘Poitin Supplier of the Year’ competition, a hotly-contested category featuring different substances made variously of potatoes, barley, and water.
Clearly worse-for-wear head judge, local car-wash team leader Thomas McIlhenny, said,
“Ah sure, we had had a whole clatter of pints before the day started and the craytur on top. It was all a bit bewildering to be honest. This big lassie came up onto the stage, carrying plenty of timber. It did seem a bit odd her going in for the gurning wearing a swimsuit and talking about how she wanted nothing more than world peace and the new Nathan Carter album, but then I thought nothing of it. To be honest I had trouble seeing straight by that time. Then she started pulling all them grotesque faces like she was havin’ a fit. It was enough to bring the poitin back up. I thought she was a class act, mad for the gurning like. By the time we realised the mistake, it was too late. And we didn’t want to make a fuss. You know what Cappagh’s like. We’ve always been a really tolerant bunch”.
Fortunately, there will be no appeal:
“I was initially confused then surprised then shocked then a bit confused again”, said 26 year old winner Sinead Boyle from through a horse’s collar. “I’m happy now though. The prize for the gurning was a 10-second trolley dash down the biscuit aisle of Costcutter’s in Galbally, so I’m really pleased. I wasn’t really sure about entering the beauty competition anyway after I got my two front teeth kicked out by a heifer last year, but my ma persuaded me to go in for it”.
“She did great so she did”, said delighted mother Mary, a part-time cushion fluffer from Corlea Road. “Wee Sinead’s got a lazy eye and I think she must’ve went up onto the wrong stage. Still, she did us proud. We’ve enough Gypsy Creams to last us a year”.
In what is believed to be a further blunder by the judges, the beauty contest was eventually won by a 1982 light-blue Massey Ferguson MF82 tractor.
Tyrone ‘School Of Plastering’ Opens In Kildress To Improve Spreading Standards
A finished job in Cappagh
In order to combat the sharp decline in plastering skills in the county, the Tyrone County Council have opened a School of Plastering in Kildress which will teach youngsters who aspire to be plasterers the basic skills in the trade. The move comes after a series of street protests all over the county complaining about the cowboy spreading jobs being carried out in most new developments.
Peter Carney, a plasterer from Clonoe with 44 years experience, fully supports the new school:
“It has been a long time coming. I stopped taking on apprentices after a series of unbelievable mishaps last year. I took on a team of young lads from Brocagh and Derrylaughan for a big job in the Moy. Never again. I told one of them to scratch a wall for me. I came back an hour later and he was literally scratching a wall with his fingernails the way you’d scratch a cat. The poor fellow’s fingers were dripping with blood. Another boy was using the bible as a straight edge.”
Jack Kelly (61) from Galbally added:
“I took a nephew from Greencastle on last month. He arrived with what he thought were the tools needed. He brought a rubber duck (plastic float), a pet budgie (hawk) and a towel (trowel). And his da’s a spark too. I told him to go out and get a scratching tool and he came with nothing but a worried face and said ‘sure I can scratch ye’. I’d have been better off taking my ma with me and she’s 97 and deaf but a damn decent spread.”
So far 300 have signed up for the Plastering Summer School with the first week’s topic “How To Use A Darby” already in progress. Mary Farrell, a mother to 7 teenage sons, says all her lads will be attending:
“It was either that of the Gaeltacht. There’ll be plenty of time for curtin’ when they’re older so it’s off to the spreading school for them. There’ll be no curtin’ there hopefully.”
A place on the Spreading Degree course costs £300 and runs for 6 weeks.
G8 Police Deny Claims They’re So Bored They’re Playing An Enormous Game Of Hide And Seek
Cop in Galbally this morning, wrecking about.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The PSNI were forced to respond yesterday to allegations that the extra police drafted in to the county for the G8 summit in Enniskillen have been so bored that they have resorted to playing children’s games and making preposterous allegations against residents.
The claims come following the arrest of Joe McElduff of Cappagh, who was lifted on Sunday evening on a charge of attempted arson whilst trying to light a barbeque in his garden in the rain. A number of what the police called ‘strange-smelling items’ were also removed from his property that subsequently turned out to be some burgers he had bought from Aldi in Dungannon. He was later released without charge.
On Monday, twenty-nine cattle were detained in a field near Benburb for four hours by over 200 officers in a controversial practice known as ‘kettling’, on the grounds that they were ‘acting suspiciously’ and ‘loitering with intent’, whilst a woman having lunch in Askin’s in Ballygawley was cautioned for ‘eating without due care and attention’ after she dribbled some mayonnaise down her chin.
Other people have claimed that a county-wide game of policeman hide and seek is underway, which is why officers are spending so much time parked on top of bridges and key access points across the county, as they try to spot colleagues who are in hiding in ditches, barns and fields.
DI Sean Robertson of the PSNI refuted the claims, saying,
“The PSNI and our mutual colleagues from across the water offer the highest standards of professionalism, a level that is demanded to protect some of the world’s leaders”.
The G8 is being policed by 4,400 PSNI officers together with some 3,600 who have been drafted in from England.
“These ridiculous claims that there’s some sort of childish game going on is a complete fabrication”,
whispered Robertson, from half-way up a tree in a field near Clogher.
Meanwhile 76-year old farmer Finbar Kerr from Plumbridge was stopped for allegedly speeding at over 80 miles per hour in a 1976 Massy Ferguson tractor and link box, whilst going from one field to another.
“80 miles an hour?” said a peeved Kerr. “That thing wouldn’t do 80 miles an hour if you pushed it off a cliff. Them police have nothing to do all day but sit. I have 3,000 litres of dirty diesel sitting out the back in a tank and they never so much much as looked at it. Call themselves policemen?”
“We’re here to do an important job”, said DI Joseph Bruce of the Yorkshire Constabulary. “There are dangerous criminals about and it’s our job to catch them. Which, if they’re as good as hiding as the PSNI, may take some time”.
Plans For Hotel In Galbally May Go Ahead
Artist’s impression of Galbally Hotel
Ambitious plans to build an hotel in Galbally by ‘the end of the year’ by local lunatic, Peader Johnson, may actually be passed in time for work to begin on Sunday at the latest. The sleepy hamlet, which vies for tourism with nearby Cappagh, has been devoid of visitors since 2008. Johnson, an unemployed plasterer, was said to have ‘thrown the head up’ in the bar last week and decided to submit plans for a luxurious hotel to be built on a piece of land behind the pub. Bar manager Johnny Tally was impressed by Johnson’s plans:
“Jayz it sounds great like. Peader’s a bit of a header but he means well and if he manages to pull this off we’ll erect a statue in his honour. To be honest, it’s a bit depressing here. I’ve had the same dozen customers for four years now and even they’re getting sick at the sight of each other. Them Cappagh fcukers have the market cornered with their outdoor natural spa and mountain. Where they got the mountain idea from I don’t know but it was a genius stroke, all those millions of years ago.”
Johnson’s plans include provision for a 10-room suite with gold sofas, cushions, gilt mirrors and chandeliers. A grand foyer will dazzle the eye with an elaborate floor made of four kinds of marble from the Bahamas. The 15-metre-long living room will hold a baby grand piano. The vast entertainment centre will come with a full-service bar. Throw in the eye-popping balcony views of Pomeroy and Kildress, a butler and it’ll be hard to turn down the £25’000 a night offer.
Local convenience store owner Mary McCann wasn’t completely in favour:
“Listen, I’m all on for people coming to Galbally. It would be great to se people like Sean Connery and Gandhi coming here and spending all their money. That’s fine. It’s just that my store only does the papers, bread and a slap of milk. Them foreigners will be asking for queer things like salami and celery. And probably Amazonian camel’s piss. Can’t be scundered with that craic.”
Johnson claims he has a few lads from Cappagh with experience of plastering at GNVQ level.
This Weekend In Tyrone
A guide to What’s on in Tyrone for the weekend Sat 6th – Sun 7th October:
Suckin Diesel Debut In Clubland
New Moortown band – Suckin Diesel – make their first public appearance in Cookstown tonight. Describing themselves as a mixture of Eileen Donaghy music rapper-style classical jazz, the loughshore boys use only tools they picked up in one of their da’s sheds. Paddy Quinn is lead singer and also plays the chisel. Francey Devlin is on empty crate, Mary Hagan is on hammer and hubcap whilst the joker of the pack, Red Harry O’Donnell plays the welding mask and spade. More Power To Your Elbow, move over! They will also perform in Cappagh beforehand (see below).
Pomeroy Train-Spotting Convention
Tomorrow sees the 19th annual PTSC extravaganza behind the Post Office in Pomeroy tomorrow morning at 8am sharp. Although no train has passed Pomeroy since the late 50s, fanatics still gather once a year with binoculars and sandwiches in case they catch a glimpse of one that was running late perhaps. For thrills and spills, come to Pomeroy tomorrow morning. No mention of the hill/mountain debacle allowed.
Seskinore Peter Canavan Lookalike Competition
Last year’s Canavan lookalike winner.
The third Canavan lookalike competition takes place in the parish hall in Seskinore tonight (9pm). Last year’s winner Harry Tully is a firm favourite to win it for the second time of asking. Last year’s victory was all the more surprising as Peter himself took part and only finished third. This year’s winner gets a pound of mince.
Cappagh World Record Attempt
This evening (7pm, chapel car park), Cappagh will have the Guinness World Record officials in the vicinity as Peter Hampsey attempts to suck the diesel from 40 cars in three minutes. Using just a bit of plastic piping and a bucket, he’ll attempt to drain over three dozen family vehicles by sucking the fuel and letting it low into the aforementioned container. Police are not welcome. Sucking Diesel will perform their hit record ‘Tramp On, Boss” during proceedings.
Derrylaughan Healing Weekend
Derrylaughan GFC are staging a weekend of healings and cures at their well-being centre on the edge of the lough. Using the powers of Lough Neagh and the mythical curing properties of the Holy River, organiser Dermot Brannigan claims all ailments are treated from bunions, verucas and facial warts to consumption, laziness and having quare notions. Entry is free and only a donation of £20 is required. All monies will be used to get water for the Holy River which dried up in 2001.
Tyrone Tribulations 