Category Archives: GAA
NEWSFLASH: Santa Held Up Mid-Air By Australian Customs Over Multiple Environmental And Work-Related Offences
- REFUSED TO SWITCH TO ELECTRIC REINDEER
- RUDOLF MADE TO WORK DESPITE 200-YEAR FLU
- RECKLESS CHIMNEY MANOEUVRES
Santa Claus has maintained his innocence after Australian customs intercepted his crossing of their border, claiming he ignored letters that over 60% of his reindeer should be electric. The North Pole man has also refused to attend a work tribunal initiated by Rudolf’s agent last month, after it emerged that Santa refused to give him a day off since 1825 despite having a 200-year flu and his nose beyond the point of repair.
Additionally, over 50’000 homes across the planet have complained that due to new home fuel-burning laws, chimneys are far smaller whilst Santa has refused to lose weight, creating a catastrophic effect on roof tiles.
Mr Claus, who claimed to be on a tight schedule, fumed:
“I’m sick of all this woke crap about electric reindeer. Sure by the time their excrement has hit the ground, it’s frozen solid. And I’m always telling the deer to let rip over the oceans. This is just people finding something to complain about. I WON’T BE CANCELLED.”
Australian officals are prepared to let Claus on his way if he promises to lose weight by next year by adopting a caveman diet as well as attending a few Parkruns a year.
Meanwhile, Rudolf was finally treated for flu-like symtoms and was given a Lemsip and a packet of Victory Vs. His nose was still glowing.
Tyrone To Offer Russians Healy Park As Bomb Target Instead Of Fivemiletown
Tyrone GAA officials are to assemble a convoy to Moscow after it emerged that Fivemiletown is on the Russian radar for nuclear strikes, should Putin take the notion.
After an emergency meeting last night in Dungannon (as Healy Park media room was waterlogged), GAA officials agreed that a strike on Healy Park would be ideal, as they are planning on cutting it up anyway to solve the draining issue.
Henry Sally, GAA War PR, added:
“I can see yer man Putin having an issue with this. Sure we’ll even pretend to be making military uniforms or something using scarecrows in the middle of the field to lure them in. Bombing Fivemiletown would be a disaster. Where would people go after Clogher? Fermanagh? Sure that’s worse than a nuclear fallout.”
If Putin does bomb Healy Park into shite, it is estimated that it could save Tyrone GAA thousands on digger hire.
Pope Leo Catches Tyrone Jersey And Starts Saying Things Are Deadly and Lethal
Pope Leo, who caught a Tyrone jersey thrown at him in Rome this week, has alarmed his closest aides by totally changing his mannerisms and dialect since the incident. After celebrating Mass at St Peter’s this morning, he commented to the altar boys that it was a ‘deadly mass altogether’ and that it was ‘lethal to see a big crowd’, and was glad ‘them shower a hoors didn’t wreck it’, pointing at protesters outside the Vatican.
There are fears that he may start practising the dark arts, although it was only southern media suggesting that.
Leo, who once lined out for the Philadelphia Fighting Cocks at full back in 1977, marking Frank McGuigan out of the game, has already suggested he might attend a Tyrone game after asking reporters if they were ‘heading til Clones the year’ to looks of confusion from the Italian press.
Errigal Ciaran Deny Making Senior Players Wear Fake Moustaches and Wigs For Thirds Team Championship Game
Rumours that Peter Harte and Joe Oguz wore highly convincing wigs, whilst the Canavan brothers painted big moustaches on their faces, have been denied by the club after their Thirds overturned Derrytresk in the Junior Championship, despite a 26-point loss to the same opposition earlier in the year in the league.
Spectators at the game became suspicious after a player with a blonde mullet, who bore a striking resemblance to Peter Harte, scored a point with the outside of his foot, only to be congratulated with shouts of ‘Well done Petey’ from his club supporters. Errigal mentors were quick to correct the crowd by shouting ‘that’s not Petey, that’s his cousin Peader’ to their own fans, who were now smirking.
Tyrone GAA spokesman Leo McGinley maintains Errigal did not break the rules:
“Listen, Derrytresk only bate Errigal earlier in the year by 26 points because the Hill ones used one of their clubmen as an umpire. And besides, if the Ballygawley ones want to pull a few of their seniors into the thirds to win the coveted Junior title, fair frigs to them. It’s not easy playing in fancy dress.”
Darragh Canavan was spotted wearing a face mask on Monday morning, but denied it was because he couldn’t get the permanent marker off.
Eglish Man Threatens To Pish On Badly Parked Cars And Record It On TikTok
An Eglish social media influencer has promised to pish on cars that aren’t within their lines at carparks or parked in disabled spots without a badge, especially in the bigger towns like Dungannon, Coalisland, Cookstown and Omagh.
Malachy Jordan, who also describes himself as a social justice warrior, admitted to secretly pishing on cars already that were badly parked, but didn’t record it.
In a post on the Tiktok last week, he announced:
“There will be no exceptions and I’ll specifically target big motors like Range Rovers. If I see their tyres touching the lines and making it hard for others to get out of their car doors, I’ll pish on their wheels and maybe the door handle if I can get it up that far. It drives me mental. Especially those with personalised numberplates. It’s usually them.”
Jordan has a following of over 1.2 million people on social media, mostly accrued after he made videos last year of bursting the tyres of tractors that were holding up traffic on small roads.
Tyrone Illusionist Disappears On Britain’s Got Talent Whilst On Bail
An Ardboe fisherman, currently on bail for stealing ten jars of Nutella at Nutt’s Corner market, has disappeared completely after being granted permission by a Dungannon judge to appear as an illusionist on Britain’s Got Talent.
Reginald McGuigan, who also performs tricks at children’s parties under the alias ‘Reg the Clift’, auditioned for BGT but astounded the judges by completely disappearing during his act, and has yet to be found after six days of searching.
Simon Cowell, who initially claimed it was the best act he’d ever seen, changed his mind after it emerged McGuigan had done a runner, and ordered the clip not to be shown.
An insider added:
“We haven’t a clue how he did it. There was no trap door and we checked the cage he was in. He seems to have disappeared into thin air. If he is reading this, please come back. You’ll make millions.”
McGuigan was once chased from a school variety show after making the secretary disappear during the act, only to be found later with her in the principal’s office in a compromising position.
Reg the Clift rejects the accusations that he stole the Nutella.
East Tyrone’s First Driverless Bus Called In After Stopping Off At Falls Bar For ‘Pints’
Technicians are investigating the programming of East Tyrone’s first driverless bus after it stopped at a pub two minutes into its maiden test drive from Washingbay to the Tamnamore car park, sending a text message to the control centre that just said ‘pints’.
The bus, which was to ferry 25 passengers on a test drive from Derrylaughan GAA to the Tamnamore Park and Ride near the M1, a 3.6-mile journey, stopped half a mile into the drive, parking just outside Falls Bar and opening its doors.
The expert behind the initiative, Killyman engineer Oscar McVeigh, was at a loss to explain the detour:
“To be honest, I didn’t even know the bus could send us messages. To receive ‘pints’ as a text message from the driverless bus was exciting but also terrifying. We’ll go again tomorrow and maybe try a different route that has no pub. I wasn’t aware that AI could be fond of the drink.”
Technicians are also investigating the possibility that the pub’s owner had a cousin involved in programming the vehicle’s brain.
1980s Tight Tyrone GAA Shorts On Rise Again After Good Spell
Women of Tyrone have been told to wear sunglasses at all times when outdoors this weekend after a spate of men between the ages of 50-65 have been spotted parading around Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh and Strabane wearing 1980s GAA shorts once sported by Plunkett Donaghy, Kevin McCabe and John Lynch.
The shorts, which are now illegal in 17 counties due to multiple court cases for indecency, are still legal in Tyrone. Last week, a crowd of Americans touring the county, looking for broken Celtic crosses, was sent screaming back to their bus after two men from Galbally emerged from a gap in the hedge wearing their club’s shorts from their successful 1986 Junior League campaign.
One of the tourists, Brock Power from Arizona, commented
“Balls on them like stallions. I didn’t need to see that after a hearty irish breakfast, man.”
County officials have asked women to wear the darkest sunglasses possible over the next while in most rural areas in the county.
In other news, people from Edendork have been told to stop licking the melted tar on the roads. A tiktok video has been blamed for convincing them it was liquorice.
Tyrone GAA Launch Search For Gulpins To Bulk Up Skilful Underage Talent For Senior Level
Tyrone GAA have launched a campaign to recruit up to FIVE gulpins to bulk up the serious underage talent the county is producing, preferably between the ages of 25-30. Pundits have argued that the lack of a gulpin could prevent Tyrone from competing with the Galways and Armaghs in upcoming years, both of whom have a plethora of gulpins.
The typical Tyrone gulpin is normally around 5’10” to six feet tall, 15+ stone, and able to take out two men through clumsiness. They won’t have played much underage football.
To cover all positions, the board has defined what a good gulpin would make in each of the three key gulpin positions:
- FULL BACK GULPIN: Won’t stray from the square. Will fist all high balls coming in, accidentally nicking the full forward’s scalp in the process. If in possession of the ball, they will kick it as far down the field as they can, coupled with ‘go on ye boy ye, yahooooo’ and hit the full forward another slap on the way back. Do not solo.
- MIDFIELD GULPIN: Won’t stray from the midfield line. If clean catching, fist it to the nearest teammate, often punching it with the fist over long distances. Permitted to create a one-man wall for raids down the field by the opposition, using arms as a windmill. Late tackles will be seen as clumsiness. Do not solo.
- FULL FORWARD GULPIN: Won’t stray from the box or make diagonal runs. High balls will be fisted towards the goal, often catching a part of the head area of the full back. If in possession of the ball, run the ball into the net with two opposition players as well as the goalkeeper hanging off. Do not solo.
The next round of league games will be scrutinised for gulpins.
Cavan Fans Lodge Complaint About Omagh St Enda’s Soup Going Up 10p to £1.60
The famous Omagh GAA soup, recently positively reviewed in a TikTok influencer video, has come under fire by the Cavan Ultras Supporters’ Society (CUSS) after it emerged that Omagh officials have raised the price by 10p, their first increase since 2005.
Cavan, who play Tyrone this Sunday in the Ulster Championship first round in Omagh, have threatened to bring their own mobile soup kitchen to the game and park it outside the main gates, in protest of the 10p hike.
CUSS spokesman Lawrence Reilly fumed:
“Do they think we’re made of money in Cavan? In the past we could have got 2 soups for £3 and took one home for later. Now we’ve to pay an extra 20p for 2 soups. The world has gone mad. I’d rather starve.”
Omagh stewards have warned Cavan supporters not to run onto the pitch when the referee tosses the coin. Last year, in a match against Wicklow, 16 Cavan supporters stormed the field after the coin toss and made off with the coin, his whistle and his stopwatch.
GAA Add Another New Rule Before Championship – Protestant Players Or Vicars Can’t Score Goals. Atheists Might Be Next.
In a move that will further annoy managers up and down the country, the GAA has revealed its final rule change before the Championship starts: Protestant GAA players or vicars are not allowed to score goals, and must either score a point or pass the ball if they are clean through on goal. If successful, atheists might be added to the rule before the knockout stage.
The new rule, the fifteenth to be tried out this year, will mean all players must declare their faith before the Championship starts, with severe penalties being forced upon counties if they flout the rule.
A prominent GAA Rule Committee member, Trevor Sharkey, warned managers:
“We’ve a fair idea who the Protestant players are, even just by the look of them. We have decided to introduce this rule to add more chaos and jeopardy to the game and everyone wants that, don’t they. For now, atheists can score goals but that might not be the case in June. We shall see.”
County Down are to challenge the new rule tomorrow night, complaining that it’s hard enough for them to score goals as it is.
Trump Eyes Up Football Special & Maine Company As Ulster Says Keep Away From Our Minerals
Donald Trump has been urged to leave Ulster’s minerals alone after annexing the minerals in Ukraine through an 11th-hour deal with President Zelensky. Donegal’s Football Special, one of the nicest minerals in the nine counties, have declared they will not be handing over any minerals to the Yanks no matter what deal is made between Trump and the Irish government.
Although Trump has yet to mention Ulster’s minerals, Maine from County Antrim are adamant that they will not budge from their Ballymoney base and will turn to arms if need be:
“Listen, we’re not adverse to orange men out here in Ballymoney but that Orange bastid won’t be getting his mitts on our drinks, including the Football Special.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have warned their supporters to put emergency plans in place already because of the probability of Armagh doing 2-in-a-row.
Accusations Of Witchcraft After First Double-Decker Drives Through Coalisland. Driver chased.
Friends and family of the driver of a double-decker are concerned for his safety after his bus was stopped in Coalisland after locals accused him of some kind of dark wizardry. He was last seen fleeing towards Brackaville on foot as the bus was ransacked and the wheels stolen. A local priest was also called to bless the bus to free it from any evil spirits.
Although locals had seen double-deckers on the TV as well as on trips to Belfast and Craigavon, the sight of the two-tiered bus left many in the town, especially the elderly, on their knees praying and openly wailing as it approached the main street.
Local hardman and watcher of the roundabout, Micky O’Neill, fumed:
“Getting the roundabout was something that took a long time to accept. If they think they can start using double-deckers in our town, they’ve another thing coming. We’re not pagans. That driver will be burned at the stake if he appears again. On another note, we invite all residents to attend The Burning Of The Bus tomorrow after normal Mass. It should only take four hours to burn it to the ground.”
Coalisland has a proud history of resisting change and it was recently discovered that over 80% of the town still use cassette tapes.
‘Beast From East’ Was Moortown Full Back Says Apologetic Weatherman
Rumours regarding a devastating cold spell called The Beast from the East have been proven unfounded after the weather station, Irish Met TV, admitted they overheard the wrong information in a pub in Moortown.
The beast turned out to be none other than the St Malachy’s full back Paulie Quinn who is contemplating a move to Aghyaran after getting married to a woman from the West Tyrone club.
Weatherman from Irish Met TV, Snowy Robinson, admitted:
“Yes it’s my fault. Id overhead a conversation about the Beast from the East heading west to wreak destruction and I assumed it was another cold spell. I jumped too quick there and I apologise to the Irish public. I also wish the beast, Paulie, all the best in Aghyaran.”
Meanwhile, a 55 year old man from up the road in Ardboe has been told to stop sucking diesel as he has now become a fire hazard to vapers outside the local Spar.
Satellite Confirm Fears That Storm Has Blown Tyrone Closer To Dungiven
Joe Brolly could become a Tyrone native in 2027 if another storm with the same impact as Storm Eowyn occurs again, according to science boffs at Magee College in Derry.
The recent storm, which saw Ballinderry lose another 14% of its territory to Ardboe in an unusual change of wind direction, as well as Fermanagh totally enveloping Trillick, witnessed the area below the Sperrins edge almost 13 miles towards Dungiven. Sean Teague is now being touted as an honorary president of the Kevin Lynch’s hurling club in the village, despite only having drank once in it, in 1988.
Derry wind expert Gusty McGonagle added:
“Yes, it looks like Joe Brolly could be the face of Tyrone in 2027 if there’s one last push. Cookstown is already on top of Magherafelt and they’re mad into the sausages now there too. Mugsy was seen learning Danny Boy at the bingo last week in the Glenavon.”
Meanwhile, a man in Beragh broke the Irish javelin throwing record during the storm, throwing it from Beragh to Killyclogher, breaking the previous 82m record.
Despite Further Queen Revelation, “Stupid Looking Hats”, Orange Order Calls For No Queen Bonfire Effigies In 2025
The former Queen of England, the German Elizabeth Windsor, allegedly told a close friend in a letter that as well as the 12th of July being a time for silly marching, she thought their hats were stupid looking and that most of the marchers were ‘overfed’. The Orange Order has responded by calling for no effigies of the Queen on the bonfires next year.
With bonfires already at breaking point with nationalist and republican election posters as well as GAA emblems and the Irish flags, organisers are worried that they may keel over if effigies of the royal family of England are added to the load. Bonfire strategist Billy Bunting explained:
“Listen I understand that we’re annoyed at the Queen at the minute but she might have said these things when in a bad mood. Not all the hats are silly and not all the marchers are overfed. In fact, many of us lose weight marching 10 miles til the field. I urge bonfire construction supervisors to hold back on piling on the royal family. We’ve enough to burn as it is.”
A Freddie Mercury poster was vandalised in Lisburn after the Queen’s comments became public at the weekend in what was a mistaken identity.
Irish rap band Kneecap are said to be excited about appearing in bonfires next year, as well as the rap industry in general.
Brocagh Scrooge ‘Even Worse’ After Visits From Ghosts
A miser from the Ballybay Rd in Brocagh has committed to being even more of a hateful member of society, despite being visited by three ghosts over the weekend.
Jimmy ‘The Stinge’ Robinson, who once sued a child for kicking a ball into his tulips, was adamant that the visits from the three ghosts have confirmed he’s been right all along:
“The first two ghosts toul me nothing I already knew. The boy from the future showed me my funeral. No one turned up apart from the bin man and the neighbour’s wife who I’d a fling with outside the Glenavon in ’88. So I thought, the rest of them can go to hell. If they’re not going to my funeral anyway, I’m going to make their lives a misery from now on. Pure shower, the lot of them.”
Robinson ended the interview by running towards a group of children playing football and booting the ball into the Lough and giving them the middle finger as he ran off.
Cookstown Annex Tullyhogue “in the interests of the region”
In a bold move, Cookstown has obliterated Tullyhogue, which it states is for the safety of the citizens of Tullyhogue (despite burning down the medical centre) and the stability of the wider region. They deny genocide.
Whilst universally slated, no one has done anything about it, while Cookstown sets its sights towards annihilating Newmillls, who they accuse of directing Halloween fireworks in their direction. The Tyrone County Board has been asked to intervene to help the Tullyhoguians but said that although Cookstown’s actions were reprehensible, it was nothing to do with them, but were since photographed shaking hands with Cookstown businessman Jacob McGurk who “makes great diggers”.
With many local counsellors up in arms, an emergency motion was raised to reinstate normal borders, but Mid Ulster Council vetoed the move, citing historical complications dating back to the 1940s. The council have also warned BBC officials that their reporting on the events will be ‘monitored closely’.
Cookstown, whom some have criticised for reacting a bit disproportionately to a window being smashed at an Orange Hall in their Main Street by burning down every GAA club south of the town within a 20-mile radius, stands firm in its actions saying it’s a matter of good versus righteous. They also claim to be open to a ceasefire, just after they’ve chased all natives from the area in the next few weeks.
When TT reached out for comment by locally elected officials, most ministers at Stormont were unavailable for comment, but we are informed they were dancing at the Glenavon and eating Cookstown Sausages, as that brought in jobs.
Trump Vows To Make Coalisland Fianna GAC Great Again, If They Dig For Coal
Donald Trump, who will be sworn in as 47th President of the United States of America, has revealed plans to make Coalisland Fianna ‘the best Gaelic football team on the planet’ by 2026, as long as they start digging for coal again and ship 90% of it to the States.
The re-opening of the coalmines, closed for over 50 years, will be overseen by a relation of Trump from Newmills, Harry Trump, a children’s clown artist.
President-elect Trump added:
“I’ve loved Coalisland all my life, really loved Coalisland. My mother used to tell me of the great people of Coalisland, all the great people. Handsome people. Some of the most handsome people I’ve ever seen. And the coal. The beautiful coal. There is no coal more beautiful than the coal in Coalisland. It’s a thing of beauty. And the football team. They’re beautiful too. They’ll be World Champions in two years. Mark my words, in 2 years they will be World Champions of America. I’ll see to it personally. I want the coal first, though.”
Trump has asked that 90% of coal extracted from the new Coalisland pits be shipped to New York in return for his personal Irish company as club sponsors on the jerseys, “Frackin Hell.” He has also bought a year’s entry to the GAA club’s Lottery.
Landi’s have acted immediately and are offering massive cheeseburgers.
Brackaville Ghost Now Identifies As A Ghoul, Says Local Medium
A ghost from the Mullaghmoyle Road in Brackaville has asked the public to respect her new identity as a ghoul and to stop referring to her as a ghost, according to local medium, Petsey Keeneedy.
Ghouls, which are perceived to be more disgusting than ghosts and are prone to eating dead carcasses, are said to be on the wane in recent times due to new environmental laws on disposing of dead animals and the rise in cremations.
The Brackaville Ghost has strongly requested to be called the Brackaville Ghoul from here on in, and has warned that she isn’t afraid of going down the legal route. Keeneedy explained:
“I usually check in with her once a month but I noticed she was a bit annoyed this time. She didn’t want to do any small talk on general ghosting matters but instead read out a prepared statement. In it she said she now identifies as a ghoul and wants to be called it from now on. She was quite angry about a recent conversation online that called her a ghost and threatened all types of disgusting stuff, like digging up cats and eating them, as well as contacting a solicitor.”
The Brackaville Ghoul is said to be over 500 years old and is related to the Coyle families in the area, although her father was reported to be from Monaghan.
Tyrone Tribulations 