A self-styled scriptwriter from Tyrone has confirmed that he has received an ‘almost definite yes’ from Hollywood that the next James Bond film will be based in and around Tyrone.
“I finished the script last week and sent if off”, declared a proud Daragh McGee, from Cookstown. “And I’ve had a letter back thanking me for it. It’s a done deal as far as I’m concerned. Bond is coming to Tyrone!” He went on, “See, lots of ‘Skyfall’ got filmed in London, so we’ll do the same in Tyrone. We’ll showcase the county. Imagine doing some of it in Greencastle. That’d be deadly. And they can use special effects to get rid of all the weird-looking ones in the final cut. Some boost for the area and the revenue could be spent on free drink or something for the locals”.
McGee was coy about revealing too much of the story, and then promptly told us the entire plot.
“Bond becomes embroiled in this conspiracy all about dirty diesel. He flies helicopters, shoots stuff, kills people, and gives a few deadly-lookin’ wemin plenty of hammer along the way”, said the writer. He admitted, “It might need a bit more work but them Hollywood boys can sort it out. I’ve done the hard bit. And the movie ends in this lethal fight to the death between Bond and the villain in the middle of Ballygawley roundabout with lorries and tractors whizzin’ by. Imagine that. Class”.
McGee as yet is undecided on a title but says he is toying with the idea of ‘From Cappagh with Love’, or ‘Quantum of Diffing’.
The Cookstown man has always had a deep fondness for the Bond movies.
“Nobody knows the James Bond films like me”, he asserted. “I know them inside out and back to front. As the current Bond, I’d say Pierce Brosnan is definitely the best. He was deadly in ‘The Spies Who Loved Them’. Some film”.
The scriptwriter confirmed that he has already commenced auditioning for the part of the beautiful Bond girl, and also for other parts.
“For the evil villain I wanted someone that looks tara scary and grotesque, like Gollum out of ‘Lord of The Rings’ only worser and uglier. I auditioned down in Mountfield last Friday night and there was that many I was fighting them off with a stick. I’m not even sure some of them were there for the evil villain audition. They were just hanging around. At least we’d save on the prosthetic make-up”. McGee went on to add, “Come to think of it, some of the wemin who turned up for the Bond girl could probably have auditioned for it”.
McGee concluded, “Thon Alfred Hitchcock was some boy to have written all those James Bond books. I hope to be able to tell him that in person if he comes over for the filming and stuff. He can stay at my aunt’s in Donaghmore. She’s got a spare settee and sleeping bag”.