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Recently Discovered New Testament Book Reveals Augher Man’s Role In The Easter Story
Some handlin
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A recently discovered book not included in the New Testament bible explains the role a man from Augher played in moving the stone from the tomb of Christ.
Previously known as the Q Hypothesis, the Book of Thomas was recently found by archeologists in Egypt, which unifies the gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke and explains the striking similarities between the three books, all of which share stories, phrases and even direct quotes with one another.
The transcript reveals 13 verses in Chapter 6 about a man from Ireland who was travelling close to Golgotha at the time of the entombment of Christ:
13 A man who was from the place called Augher in the Land of the Sperrins, travelled a long distance from the west. 14 His name was Eugene, and he had made a great fortune selling pallets.
15 He passed the tomb of Christ where nine men stood by the stone, looking at it. 16 He did say unto them ‘Are yous thinking about moveth thon stone?’ And they said unto him ‘Yes’. 17 And the man who was called Eugene did say back to the nine men, 18 ‘Deadly. The stone is heavy but I can help yous coup it for a lock of camels’.
19 And the ten men pushed and heaved and pushed and heaved and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but the stone did not move. 20 So the men stopped and sat and drank tea and ate wheaten and Eugene talked about the evil Clogher and after an hour stood up again. 21 Again they pushed and heaved, and they did sweat and toil, loudly shouting ‘Christ Almighty’. And lo the stone did slowly roll away.
22 The men went into the cave with Eugene and he said unto them ‘Red everything out will yiz’ but there was no sign of the Lord, 23 and the man called Eugene did say ‘This is some handlin’ brethren’. 24 Then he said unto them to go with him to a house of wine where they slaked their thirst with home spirit the man Eugene had made. 25 And there they talked in tongues and drank more spirit and lo they slowly fell to their knees and to the floor where they lay for many hours.
Eugene of Augher’s direct family are to open their family home on the Crossowen Road where people can come and look at the bed he would have slept on if he had been born 2000 years later.
Augher Man Set To Sue Hollywood For ‘Stealing My Idea’
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Augher in the 60s?
An Augher farmer plans to sue Hollywood makers for the theft of an idea which may have been as the basis for the recent smash hit movie, ‘Life of Pi’, currently shown in cinemas across the UK. Phelim McAlinden from McAlinden Farm near Altadavin wrote a poem called ‘Life of Pie’ in 1966 after his teacher punished him for throwing the spit bucket around another pupil by ordering a young Phelim to write a poem about pies over breaktime.
“I’m fuming if the truth be told. Them boys in Amerikay are ruthless. The Master said it was one of the best poems he’d ever seen a 6-year-old write and I’ve sort of been living off that praise since then. I’m known as ‘the boy who wrote the poem’ around these parts, even in my 53rd year. I remember it word for word:
Oh me. Oh my. I love a pie
And always will. I do decry.
Other food I sometimes try
But till the day I die. It’s a life of pie.”
‘Life Of Pi’, the film based on the book of the same name by Yann Martel, tells the story of a spiritual journey of a young boy in India who rejects his father’s rationalism and creates a personal amalgam of Hinduism, Christianity and Islam. Phelim admits he has no idea how they managed to come across the idea, nor accepts that the film has nothing whatsoever to do with his poem, including the title, the basic premise, the plot, the characters, the start, the middle, and the ending. He was originally advised to sue for £20m but has since said he’d settle for a ‘lock of pounds’.
“That’s what they do, lucksee. They change all the story to get out of paying. They’re crafty that way. Sometimes you have to stand up to the man. I don’t want to get in the way of a good movie but credit where credit’s due boys. If them boys in Hollywood send me twenty quid that would probably be the end of it”.
McAlinden says he is also also looking closely at the recent Quentin Tarantino film ‘Django Unchained’, which he believes may be sourced from another poem he wrote in the 1980s called ‘Jangle’, based on the loose change he had in the pocket of his dungarees that day.
Out and About – Hopes For 2013
We took a scoot out to the market in Cookstown to collate the hopes and wishes for 2013.
“Wouldn’t it be great if ourselves and Augher finally put our differences behind us and mixed next year. At the church the Clogher ones still sit on one side and the Augher folk on the other. There’s no intermarrying. We drink stout; they stick to triple X. The brawls on the streets are now a daily occurrence. Let’s pray for peace and try to endure those fcukers for 12 months.” GERDY MCNABB, CLOGHER
“A good looking priest. We’ve been starved out here in Donemana of young virile clergy. In fact, the last PP was so old he still read in Latin. Someone like the boy out of The Thornbirds would be deadly. Get me up in the morning, hangover or none.” MARY MAGUIRE, DONEMANA
“Bring back hanging for cattle rustling and trespassing.” DAMIEN COYLE, PLUMBRIDGE
“The government to turn a blind eye to women who bate the shite clean out of their husbands. That lazy hoor of a man I have needs a quare hiding to get his arse into gear on a Saturday. Say, once a week would be great.” NOLEEN MURPHY, EDENDORK
“Women wearing less in and around the streets. There are women now with jumpers and coats on even in the summer. If the powers taxed the amount of clothing you wore, they’d be more inclined to wear loose blouses and skirts. I’m 88 but I’d make more of an effort to get out to the shops if the women would shed a few layers. Not the fat ones though.” CATHAL JACKSON, DONAGHMORE
“Mickey Harte to pick players from the south east of the county. What did we ever do on him eh? There’s talk that he ruined his motor driving at 60 down the Annaghmore Road during the 80s. Well, that’s what we deal with day in, day out. We all drive 1990s motors from Lithuania now. Don’t hold it agin us Mickey.” FRANCIE O’NEILL, DERRYTRESK
“The price of diesel to come down a bit in Castlecaulfield. Might as well hope to grow wings. Miserable bastards.” SUSIE FOSTER, CASTLECAULFIELD.
“A traffic warden in Coalisland. In fact, anyone official at all. Even a TV licence man. Just for the craic.” JUSTIN LAVERY, COALISLAND
“A gay bar in Kildress.” ANONYMOUS, KILDRESS
Row Over Length Of Time In Shower Destabilises Augher
A photo McKenna took during the debacle
A domestic argument over the length of time spent in the shower has broken Augher’s peaceful aura and threatened to destroy the perception of the village as an ideal holiday destination for people from America and France. Henry and Gretta McMeel had always been considered the pin-up couple for the Augher Tourism Board with their strikingly good looks, lovingly approach to each other and their harmonious effect on the area. All that changed last night when a passer-by, Barney McKenna, overheard a heated exchange emitting from one of their back rooms.
“I was just dandering home from looking at the sheep up the road when I thought I heard raised voices coming from McMeel’s roadside dwelling. Hoping to get a bit of juicy information, I pinned my ear to the window of the back room as the curtains were pulled. I heard Henry saying ‘you’re always fcuking keeping me back washing your oul fcuking hair. How come it takes me five minutes and that includes a fcuking shave. Thirty-five buckin minutes I’ve been sitting here watching this XFactor shite. I could’ve had four pints in me by now for fcuk sake.’ Well, to be honest I almost collapsed from the shock of it. We’ve always looked up to the McMeels. I’ve never heard anyone curse in Augher before. What else does that monster do behind closed doors.”
McKenna continued to divulge information on the exchange and said it wasn’t all one-way traffic, or words to that effect.
“It wasn’t all one way traffic. Yer woman was further away from the window so I only caught bits. I heard her say ‘hairy-arsed bastard’, ‘spend more time in the shower ye smelly hoor’ and ‘alcoholic bollocks’. I can tell you, I don’t know if I can look at the McMeels in the eye again. I told the parish priest and he went into some form of convulsion. This mustn’t get out.”
The Augher Tourism Board has barred all talk of the incident and has warned McKenna that any further gossiping about it will be fatally dealt with.
Augher/Clogher 2022 World Cup Bid Rejected
Residents in Augher and Clogher woke today to the disappointing news that Fifa have rejected their joint bid to host the 2022 World Cup at the first round of eliminations. The ambitious project was hoping to see off rivals Argentina, Australia and China but fell short in what Fifa described as ‘major accomodation issues’. Augher Lord Mayor Jackie McKenna, who headed the bid, announced the decision from Fifa this morning outside the Spar:
“We are bitterly disappointed. My committee put a lot of effort in to taking pictures of fields and makeshift pitches, put them all onto a PowerPoint and sent it in an email. Finding someone who could do all that computer stuff wasn’t easy. Although this is a set-back, we will regroup and perhaps target the 2024 Olympics. We will bring a major world event to Tyrone, mark my words.”
Plans were made for successful bid
Fifa sent back a list of reasons why they couldn’t advance the Augher/Clogher bid to the next round. They included the need to seat up to 100’000 people in a stadium, house half a million more fans in the area and general lack of media facilities to cope with 188 TV stations from around the world. McKenna claims this was a smokescreen:
To be honest, that’s a load of balls. There’s talk of a new Subway being built in Fivemiletown. We have this Spar, a Post Office and a few pubs. What more do these foreigners want? We got promises from a couple of local joiners that they’d build a big wooden stand and all. Also, my nephew is training to be a spark and he could have wired up a few plugs for the TV boys. As for accommodation, have they never heard of caravans? They’re prejudiced against small rural villages like ourselves. Aghayaran said they were laughed at by Fifa officials in 1970 when they tried to rival the Mexico bid.
In a show of strength, Augher is today hosting their Horn Dance which is performed by six deer-men who wear reindeer horns. The dancers follow a 10 mile course and perform the horn-dancing ritual in 12 different locations in and around the village, whilst the musician plays tunes such as “The Farmers Boy” and “Uncle Mick” on a melodeon, with accompaniment from a triangle.
Augher/Clogher Twitter Row Escalates
The PSNI last night confirmed that they were investigating complaints that an unseemly cyber-war between two neighbouring villages had spiraled out of control, endangering relations within public houses and family households in the extended area. Hundreds of complaints had been filed regarding the ugly tit-for-tat typing which was apparently initiated when the Augher Community Twitter account claimed the Mid-Tyrone Belle competitor from Clogher was a rank outsider in the competition and posed the question whether she should ‘tog out atall with thon head on her’, all in 140 characters.
Augher Escort in Limbo
The Clogher Antique Tractor Appreciation Society (CATAS) Twitter account soon responded in kind and claimed that the Augher Belle was ‘fond of the lads’ and ‘would know her way around the St Macartan’s senior and reserve side rightly, including the subs’. From there on in it developed into a name-darkening session with words like ‘thunder thighs’, ‘face for crimewatch’ and ‘dirty fecking hoor’ tipping the debate into the realm of the macabre.
“Social networkers need to realise they can hurt thousands with the click of a button,” said the Augher Lord Mayor Justin Asken, “that young Clogher girl doesn’t need such negative attention, especially after the incident with the Fivemiletown Hockey team in the Drum Manor Forest Park last week.”
The PSNI have warned both twitter account holders that they are monitoring the situation and that if the cyber-war continued, they’d “award the Plumbridge Belle the title without hesitation despite her reputation for ridin anything within a 30-mile radius.”
Tyrone Tribulations 