The Midge Army

Rumours of skulduggery in Derrylaughan were finally confirmed tonight as a police raid uncovered a midge-training camp on the shores of Lough Neagh. Neighbouring townlands had long suspected something untoward was going on down at the Washingbay, especially when it came to taking on the Kevin Barry’s football team in their patch. The PSNI pounced upon a disused barn at the corner and on kicking the door down found an estimated 900’000 midges being put through their paces by older members of the GAA club. Constable Molloy explained:

“We’d been receiving these complaints for years that the midges down there were attacking opposition players and supporters during games yet strangely none of the home crowd. We always put it down to the locals there having a distinctive odour which naturally repelled the creatures. Well, it turns out that things are much more sinister than that. We uncovered an evil training regime where the midges, living in what can be described as inhumane conditions, were being cajoled into attacking members of the opposition. This was achieved by watching videos of opposing players and making the midges fly straight into the TV screen by rubbing the screen with fish oil. Come match day and the tired and emotional midges were automatically biting away at the opposition in their colours.”

Further investigations were underway regarding the deployment of the bigger flies experienced down there, locally called the ‘pollan fly’, named after the fish distinctive to the Lough. Early signs indicate that special fertiliser was being used to make them bigger, offering the locals a quick, free and relatively tasty snack during these times of high unemployment and near-poverty.

“Yes, it appears that they’ve been getting the pollan flies to eat steroids. That’s why they’re so big this year and scaring non-locals from the area. The Derrylaughan folk have taken to eating the flies as a filler between meals. We’ve no qualms about their entrepreneurialship but we’ll have to start taxing them. You can’t just get food for free. It’ll kill businesses like Falls’ Shop or Springisland. I’ve seen lads freewheeling down hills with their mouths open, getting a bellyful of pollan flies instead of a wholesome meal at home. It cannot be good for you in the long term.”

Five Midges’ Rights activists will protest tomorrow night at the Washingbay against the cruel captivity of nearly a million midges. Reports this morning also suggest that a renegade group of midges have broken away and are causing havoc elsewhere.