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Toilet Rolls Sell Out In Gortin Area Before Arrival Of Storm Eowyn. ‘Use Ferns’ Advises Government.
The government has uploaded videos of how to use ferns and brackens to replace the use of toilet rolls, after the big Spar shop in Gortin as well as all the minor shops in the area pleaded for shoppers to stop asking for workers to search for toilet rolls ‘around the back’ as locals fear the worst before the arrival of storm Eowyn.
Andrex, Velvet and Nicky have also confirmed that they will not be shipping extra toilet rolls to the Gortin area as there is already a big demand in other areas such as Cookstown, Dungannon, Strabane and Omagh.
Gortin shopper, Liam Coyle, fumed:
“If the ministers think I’m heading into the Gortin Glens to clean my hole in broad daylight with a few ferns, they’ve another thing coming. I’m 76 and have a bit of dignity. They need to dip into the reserves around Stormont and give us what we need before this storm arrives. With the amount of shite they spew up there, I’m sure there’s a plethora of bog roll hidden on the hill.”
When asked why people were stocking up on toilet rolls before a gale, Coyle said it was in case the electricity goes out.
Top Geographer Confirms Hurricane Ophelia Blew Moy Into Armagh Permanently
Moy, Co Armagh
Confusion and denial have been words to describe the feelings of the Moy residents this morning after a top geographer from England confirmed that the Moy is now in Armagh after the recent strong winds and will stay there for a few million years.
Satellite images from the International Space Station indicated a geographical land shift in this particular area, with most of the Moy now on the southern side of the Blackwater. Doubt is now also being cast on the legitimacy of the All Ireland wins by Tyrone in the 2000s with any points scored by Moy players reportedly struck off their final tally.
Moy-proud mother Natalie Donaghy admitted she felt something change last week:
“I woke up the morning after the storm and had a real craving for apples and cheap diesel. That night I downed two bottles of Buckfast and that never happens. I even have replaced the picture of the Pope with one of Kieran McGeeney. The earth definitely moved that night.”
Unfortunately, there are calls for the 2008 All Ireland to be awarded to Kerry and the 2005 final to be replayed after scores by Moy players were chalked off. The 2003 final, ironically against Armagh, is untouched due to bad shooting from Moy men that day. Marsden was still retrospectively sent off for punching his own man, Philip Jordan.
Meanwhile, another land shift has seen Aughnacloy moved into Monaghan but no one has batted an eyelid about that.
Mid-Tyrone DUP Politician Warns Next Storm Might Be Gay
DUP Cartoonist’s impression of gay storm
Bernard McIlroy, the 66-year old DUP councillor from Galbally, has warned his voters to stay indoors when Storm Eric arrives next month, as God has told him that this weather phenomenon might be gay.
McIlroy, who famously campaigned against YMCA being played in Clubland in the 80s in case it made young men amorous towards their friends, maintains the storm might even be illegal due to Northern Ireland’s progressive laws.
The retired preacher added:
“It was only a matter of time. We’ve had gay cakes and TV presenters. I’ve even watched Brokeback Mountain a few times and I’m pretty sure there is a homosexual undercurrent in that. Now Mother Nature is weighing in with the latest trend. I’m urging all DUP voters to stay indoors during the storm.”
Galbally shopkeeper Paul Norman countered McIlroy’s claim by reminding the elements that his village is not a discriminatory community and is even looking forward to Storm Felix Hi, which scientists maintain is a Derry-born storm.
“Pastor McIlroy is acting the bollocks with his guff. I’ve never seen anywhere in the Bible about rejecting any violent disturbance in the atmosphere because of its sexuality. Sure didn’t it say: ‘The LORD hurled a great wind on the sea and there was a great storm on the sea so that the ship was about to break up‘. If the Lord says storms are great, then it’s good enough for me, and I’m not even religious.”
Meanwhile, the Galbally Whist Drive has been cancelled this week.
Tyrone Tribulations 