Monthly Archives: October 2013
Strabane Dentist Complains About ‘Worst Teeth In Europe’
Mr Sion Mills, 1998
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A dentist in the county has warned that unless dental health in Tyrone improves, he will move from the area and set up elsewhere.
Stephen McAdam, a dentist who has been operating a dental surgery in Strabane since 1998, said that he has had enough of dealing with diseased gums, decayed teeth, and morning-after breath.
“And that’s just the children”, complained McAdam. “The adults are even worse. You should see some of the ones coming into the surgery here in Strabane. They look like they’ve been eating coal their teeth are that bad. It would give you the heave. One boy who was in last week made Shane McGowan out the Pogues looks like the Colgate Kid. It’s a disgrace. I’ve had enough. Does no-one use a toothbrush these days? I’m fed up with picking bits of turkey out that have been there since last Christmas”.
The stressed dentist went on,
“It’s not just the teeth. I could contend with that. But it’s the breath as well. Has no-one heard of mouthwash? Some of the time I have to wear one of thon bio-suits like they wear when someone’s been slaughtered off the TV. I’m feckin’ swelterin’ in it. It’s beyond a joke. I had this wemin in last week from Edendork and she hit me with the worse halitosis I’ve ever smelt. And that was before she even got out her car. It was like something had died in her mouth. My eyes are waterin’ just thinking about it. I told her to go home and eat as much garlic, out-of-date eggs and fish as she could. It won’t cure the bad breath, but it might calm it down a bit. What are these people eating?”
McAdam claims he is virtually at breaking point.
“I had a lad in the chair from Sion Mills last week. I could hardly face it. I’ve never seen crooked teeth like it. He could have eaten a sandwich through a letterbox. Has no-one got decent gnashers or dental implants round here? I’ve heard them ones in Donaghmore have got lovely gobs, like the Americans. I’ve had enough. Much more of this and I’m going to start charging by the tooth”.
Grand Theft Auto Ardboe “Too Realistic” For Public Consumption
Grand Theft Auto, the controversial video game which sees players take on the role of criminals and work their way through the ranks within gangland warfare, has admitted that they made a grave error trying to replicate the trials and tribulations of the Ardboe Underground.
Early reports of French, Chinese and American teenagers taking weeks off school to recover after playing only three hours of GTA Ardboe has not gone down well with its executives and media watchdogs across the globe. Issues such as diesel laundering, poteen making, bru-dodging, eel-breeding and general codology has proven to be a step too far for hardcore gamers from Florida to Finland.
Francois LeMan, a 17-year old Parisian hardcore hood, found it hard to talk about his psychological condition:
“Sacre Bleu. These Ardboe ones are, how do you say it in Ireland, ‘mad hoors’. You breed mad deadly eels. I don’t play games any more. I’m off to Lourdes.”
Level two of GTA Ardboe, which sees the game-player indulge in tractor-diffing and stealing neighbour’s gates on Halloween night, was described by high ranking American officials as ‘complete mind-numbing depravity’. A spokesman for President Obama admitted:
“Yes, Barack did play it to see what the fuss was. He loved the ‘Slabberin At Moortown Ones’ level but thought the ‘Using Cooking Oil As Fuel’ task was too unrealistic.”
GTA Urney has also been discontinued because of its ‘Takin The Head Clane Off Strabane Sigerson Full Forwards’ level.
Omagh Man Gets Wrong Flight Home. Ends Up In Omaha.
Seamie Corrigan, on plane
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Omagh inadvertently found himself 4,000 miles from home when he got on the wrong flight home and ended up in America.
Seamie Corrigan, an unemployed car mechanic from Drumragh near Omagh, had spent a month travelling around Italy trying unsuccessfully to get work as a part-time bullfighter. In his final few days there he received third degree sunburn, and it is thought that when he bought a ticket at the airport in Rome to return to Ireland, when asked his destination he was in so much discomfort that ‘Omagh’ came out as ‘Oma-haaagh’.
“I made a hames of it so I did”, said a shame-faced Corrigan. “I was killed with the sunburn and all, so by the time I got on the airyplane I was getting tore into the duty free like a man possessed. When I got off at the other end the truth is I was wrote aff. I fell into the taxi and just told yer man to take me to Omagh town centre”.
Asked how soon he realised he was in the wrong continent, an indignant Corrigan replied,
“Incontinent? Watch it ye boy. That was just a wee misunderstanding on the plane. I spilled a glass of water on my trousers, that’s all. Don’t you believe anything different. Anyways, the queues for the bogs on that plane was ridiculous. I was burstin’”.
Looking back, Corrigan realised something wasn’t quite right as soon as he arrived in Omaha in Nebraska.
“I suppose I should have twigged straightaway I wasn’t back in Ireland when it was September and the rain wasn’t throwin’ it down. And the taxi driver was speaking with this really funny accent, saying ‘howdy’ and ‘shucks’ and suchlike, but I just assumed he was from Killeeshil or some place like that”.
The hapless Corrigan only realised the extent of his problem when he went into a local bar to order a drink, and was greeted by a barmaid with a warm and friendly smile who provided prompt and efficient service.
“Ach, Omagh is alright, but some of them wemmin working in the bars have a face like a pishmire. That’s when I knew something had gone badly wrong. And they don’t even have bullfighting in Italy. Some handlin’”.
The incident follows a report just a few weeks ago of a man from the Washingbay area who ended up spending nearly a month in Washington DC before realising he was on the wrong continent over 3,000 miles off course.
Anger As Giro d’Italia Comes To Ireland, But Not Pomeroy Or Drumquin
Cyclist’s nightmare?
Pomeroy, and its famed mountains, was said tonight to be ‘livid’ as news of the route for the Giro d’Italia was released today with Belfast, the Glens of Antrim and Armagh the designated stages. The Italian Quarter in Cappagh are also said to be a bit ‘miffed’, having bought in a lorryload of ice cream for the occasion.
There will be three stages to the race – a 22 km time trial around Belfast, a loop around the north coast and a cross border final stage, with Drumquin also sensationally snubbed despite them even having a song about their hills too.
Patsy Devlin, a cycling enthusiast from Pomeroy, summed up the feelings of his disappointed home-place:
“Some shower. Are they afeard to tackle our mountains? They think they’re deadly climbing the Alps and all but that’s a doddle compared to Grimes’ Hillock or Kavanagh’s Mound. I’d like to see Bradley Wiggles attempt Sigerson’s Hump with buck goats darting at you from both sides or trying to negotiate a spontaneous Philomena Begley concert half way up Cavanakeeran. Wimps. Buckin wimps.”
Drumquin’s Tessie Hurson also couldn’t contain her anger:
“We’re furious. When we heard the Giro was coming here we were sure Drumquin would be first on the list. We even painted the roads with motivational slogans like ‘Keep er lit’, ‘Shoe to the burd’ and ‘Suckin Diesel’. I’ve no doubt the words of The Hills Above Drumquin have put these pansies off: “This life is sad and dreary, and the task of it is sore, My feet are growing weary, I may never wander more;”
Meanwhile, Slieve Gallion locals have welcomed news of the route with Johnny Irwin claiming they never wanted a pile of nosey-parkers sniffing around their braes as “there’s things going on in them there mountains that no one needs to know about” before winking and walking off, smelling of potatoes, malted barley and diesel.
Tyrone Tribulations 