Category Archives: Charlemont
Balls Kicked From Moy Into Blackwatertown, Smashing Windows. ‘Practising 2-Pointers’ Claim Moy Men.
Tyrone/Armagh tensions have been heightened further ahead of the upcoming Ulster Semi-Final after it emerged over 400 GAA and soccer balls have been kicked towards houses and sheds in Blackwatertown in Armagh from the direction of the neighbouring Moy village, over the last three days. The latest damage totals 14 windows and 3 fences.
Last night, a man from the Moy was caught getting out of his car on the Charlemont Rd and lining up a kick towards St Jarlath’s Boxing Club. When apprehended, he claimed he played for Tyrone and was just practising two-pointers before the big game in Clones.
Investigations confirmed that he was, in fact, a former Tyrone player from the Moy with a bad hip.
Armagh GAA requested Tyrone GAA intervene before further damage made relations irreparable, but reminded their rivals that they now have over 400 Tyrone O’Neills balls.
Travel Agents In Moy ‘Bunged To Gills’ After Armagh Reach All-Ireland Final
Queues stretching as far as Charlemont were reported yesterday as hundreds of Tyrone people from the south of the county booked holidays from Jordan’s Travel Agents in the Moy in the immediate aftermath of the All-Ireland semi-finals. In an unrelated event, their neighbours Armagh qualified for their first All-Ireland final in 22 years.
Early indications suggest that the favoured destination was ‘anywhere you can get me‘ and for a timespan of ‘at least 14 days‘. One holiday-goer, Freddie Cavanagh, spoke to us after leaving the shop following a 3-hour queueing session:
“Ach we just decided we need out of here for a bit. There weren’t many places left by the time we got into the shop and ended up booking a package holiday in South Sudan for 18 days. It was cheap and we were told it might be a bit dangerous but sure we went to Strabane last week and it was grand. It’ll do.”
Jordan’s Travel Agents cited their busiest day since September 2002 and reckon the poor weather has pushed people to extreme measures.
Meanwhile, the Moy Safe Neighbourhood Watch (MSNW) group is on high alert after plans for a successful Armagh homecoming were leaked this morning. The timeline includes mistakenly taking a wrong turn before they get to Armagh city, and driving through Eglish and the Moy. The MSNW has warned of zero tolerance towards unwanted traffic.
Anger In Armagh Over Unavailabilty Of Delicious ‘Red Hand Hot Dog’ Outside Of Tyrone
Red Hand Hot Dog
In a remarkable similarity to the recent McDonald’s McMór controversy, County Armagh residents are considering a week-long protest after it emerged that the delicious Red Hand Hot Dog, which has been on sale in over 40 Tyrone fast food outlets since they beat Monaghan in the quarter final, will not have its licence extended outside of the confines of Tyrone’s borders.
The Red Hand Hot Dog has been labelled as the most succulent sausage in a bap ever tasted in Ireland, merging the finest pig meat from the county with fresh homemade baps, and has seen hordes of Armaghicans swarm over the Blackwater every night to feast on an estimated 800 hot dogs on a weekly basis.
Charlemont man and hot dog aficionado, Kevin McNicholl, fumed:
“This is partitionist, racist, xenophobic or something. Why are Tyrone people happy to take our money when we travel to their county to eat these delicious sausages but won’t allow us to serve it in our own county? Sure do you ever see us banning our apples from being consumed in Tyrone? They’re just being mean-spirited. So much for taking the bun out of politics.”
Moy chip shop owner Leo McPollin, the first person to make the food, admitted he had no interest in extending the selling rights to any outlet in Armagh:
“Armagh ones have no right to be looking the licence for the Red Hand Hot Dog. They’ll probably ruin it with apple sauce or something like that. And I refute the accusation that I’m racist. I’ve a dog reared in Maghery.”
A ‘We Exist Y’Know’ rally is to be held in Armagh City tomorrow from 2pm-4pm with protesters urged to come dressed as baps.
Tyrone GAA Treasurer Seen Wearing New Fur Coat Around The Moy
Tyrone treasurer buying cabbage
A recently re-elected Tyrone GAA committee member responsible for the financial management within the county has been spotted walking around The Moy brazenly wearing a fur coat as well as more finger rings than he’d usually wear.
Ralf McKeogh, who also holds the record for the most wides in one game at U16 level, has denied any misconduct and maintains he has the receipts for all recent purchases to match the money taken from his own personal account, however he was smirking at the time.
Local sceptics, including his old U16 manager Harry Donaghy, remain doubtful:
“It was the same last year. A week after the Tyrone County Convention he was spotted in a pub in Belfast wearing a crown. Or maybe it was in the Crown Pub. I can’t remember but what I definitely recall is all those wides against Brocagh back in 1991.”
McKeogh’s uncle Patsy, who was the first man to swim the River Blackwater from start to finish, also remains unconvinced about his wealthy nephew:
“He always seems to buy the smallest presents at Christmas. This is the classic sign of a miserably wealthy man. And he’s always laughing when you ask him about the county’s financial state, saying things like ‘we’re getting it tight’ but winking at the same time. I’d put nothing past that man.”
McKeogh refused to comment but was last seen asking a young lad from Charlemont to go buy him the biggest turkey from the local butchers.
Facebook Spells The End For BBC And UTV Weather Updates
BY BIDDY ANN
Facebook status updates regarding weather conditions have resulted in two prominent celebrity weathermen becoming worryingly disgruntled and fearful for their profession. Both UTV and BBC bosses have issued a public apology for all those affected by the recent projected weather forecast job cuts and promise to move Frank Mitchell and Barra Best sidewards into presenting ‘animal or motorbike shows or something’.
The decision has left over 150 people potentially out of work, including the woman who shines Barra Best’s head five minutes before going on air. Many others within the meteorological industry are worried about their future after it was decided that neither company really required the service any further. Both stations believe Facebook status updates are to blame for the devaluing of the traditional end-of-bulletin weather news.
Linda Hoey, head of BBC Weather, issued the following statement via Facebook this morning:
“We are extremely sorry but sadly there is no demand for weather forecasts in 2014. It seems Facebook has taken over in regards predicting immediate weather patterns. Last week, I counted nine status updates in the space of half an hour from the same woman in Cookstown, each one informing me of the chances of rain and whether it’ll be a cold one tonight or not. How can the BBC compete with that?”
Sally Eastwood, the Tyrone woman in question, refused to accept accountability for the job losses:
“Aye, dead on. Best and Mitchell are just caught out. Just because they have deadly posh accents means people thought they were weather gods. Well, Facebook and Twitter have turned the tables on them boys. Anyway, when was the last time Mitchell had Cookstown as his weather watching camera? He had Charlemont the last day. Charlemont, like?”
Four hours after the decision, UTV’s weatherman and all-round celebrity Frank Mitchell was spotted semi-naked around the Ormeau Park area in Belfast in a mildly-excited state. Police later fired a tranquiliser dart and captured the disgruntled Down man, who is reported to have exclaimed, “Sack me? Sack me? I’m Frank Mitchell! I made the UTV!”
Tyrone Tribulations 