Category Archives: Greencastle
What’s On In Tyrone This Weekend?
GALBALLY – World Goat Dung Spitting Championships
This weekend sees the much-anticipated World Goat Dung Spitting Championships return to Ireland after a ten year lapse. Galbally will host the main senior event with Yayo Mbachi from Senegal hoping to retain the title he won in Bolivia last year. Local competitor Gareth Loughran will make his debut having practised spitting hard balls of goat dung all Christmas out his back.
PLUMBRIDGE – Mass Destruction Therapy Weekend
Come along to The Plum on Saturday to witness or even take part in the mass destruction therapy session on the banks of the Glenelly River. Anyone who is feeling stressed out and has a doctor’s note can bring along old TVs, cars and loose windows and smash them to smithereens without fear of being committed. Organisers ask that you bring your own jack-hammer or crowbar. Women are asked not to curse like last year.
OMAGH – Sauna Endurance Competition
Following last year’s near fatal but magnificent record victory, GAA referee Martin Stafford will be aiming to consolidate his position as Tyrone’s top sauna endurance specialist on Sunday at the Silver Spoon Hotel. Stiff competition this year comes from Caledon’s Mary ‘Wrinkle’ Quinn whose preparation has been so intense she now looks like an deflated accordion.
GREENCASTLE – Tyrone Tom Returns
Tom McDermott, once the most famous man from Tyrone in 2000, relives his best TV moments on stage this weekend when he acts out his Big Brother highlights with a few of his mates and a lock of sisters on the back of a lorry. Be sure to get a front row seat as Tom re-enacts the day he walked in, the day he walked out and riding a stationary bicycle for food. Plans for the infamous tight-shorted ‘massage scene’ will only be fulfilled during the late night X-Rated performance on Saturday, weather permitting.
Tyrone Classifieds – October
WANTED SECTION:
Two adult tricycles. Good breaks, not too rusty. Must be able to hold 15 stone each. Needed for romantic excursions with wife. Ardboe.
A yellow and green button for my shirt. Shirt has been very successful at Sally’s in Omagh. Tattyreagh.
Surgeon required for new surgery in Coalisland. No experience necessary. Must have own tools.
Someone to do farm work. Must have a hoolahoop. Augher.
The person I hit on the head with a tomato in Beragh in 1958. Feel guilty. Fivemiletown.
Someone to go back in time with. No time-wasters. Must bring your own weapons. Safety cannot be guaranteed. Will get paid when we get back. Only done this once before. Strabane.
Someone who can speak and write Australian. Relatives visiting in three months so want teacher asap. Brocagh.
SELLING SECTION:
Child’s potty chair. 10 years old. Slight staining. Newmills. £20
Used gravestone. Used only once. Must be called Patrick Kelly. Dungannon. £300
Soccer ball. Signed by either Pele, the greatest footballer on earth from Brazil, or some guy called Peter. Writing faint. Moortown. £100
Bagpiper. Will do wedding, funerals and children’s parties. Not the greatest piper but no one can tell. £50 per hour. Plumbridge.
Dinosaur bones. Not 100% sure but look a bit like the way I imagine they would. Found in bog in Greencastle. £50’000
Horse. Half Andalusian. Half Labrador. Very friendly. Likes bones. Drumragh. £600
One pair of hardly used dentures. Only three teeth missing. Galbally. £50
Vosene Shampoo. Only half used. Bargain at £4. Also Mach 3 razor blade. Only used twice. Mint condition. £2. Edendork.
Miss Greencastle Pageant Passes Off Peacefully. Aussie Actor Adjudicates.
Bishop was a big Greencastle fan
The 2012 Miss Greencastle pageant did not require a visit from the police for the first year since its inception in 1964, sparking a great night of celebration in the clubrooms. Formerly called The Loveliest Girl from Greencastle (1964-1969), The Beautiful Blade (1970-1989) and You’re A Quare One (1990-2004), this year’s Miss Greencastle was adjudicated by Neighbours actor Ian Smith who plays the angelic Harold Bishop in the long-running Australian Soap. Smith was called in due to the previous incidents which have plagued the highlight of the Greencastle Community Weekend. Harold Bishop (Smith was in character over the weekend) was seen as a safe option what with his Christian outlook in the programme itself.
‘We couldn’t chance another disaster”, gala director Dermy McDevlin told us. “Last year we had Alf Stewart from Home and Away and sure didn’t he wreck the place after he got his first taste of Guinness. There were a few of the potential Miss Greencastles he didn’t like the look of and hurled out insults like “flamin thunder thighs ye galah” and “strewth, bingo wings” much to the anger of boyfriends and family. It was a bomb-site after the riot receded. Harold was a gentleman and even blushed when one of the Miss Greencastles told the story of her slipping on a pick axe when dunging out the yard, displaying her knickers for everyone to see. I thought he was going to pass out.”
The winner, Magdalene Teague, won easily, scoring 79 points out of 100. Her party piece was plastering over a hole in the makeshift lorry truck in under 12 minutes. Her interests included shouting at GAA matches, playing dead and mooing. Last year’s winner Henrietta Tracey didn’t take the defeat too well and was caught slashing the tyres on Bishop’s Ute shouting “stick that in your blinking barbie, fair dinkum?”
Bishop, as expected, was in typical charitable form:
“Ah, one of God’s creatures gone astray, the young jillaroo. Up the ‘Castle. I’ve been a fan of them since way back you know. Yes, they’re a real rip-snorter club. Madge loved them and we’d a picture of Sean Teague in the bedroom.”
Greencastle Woman Drives To Dublin In First Gear
It emerged yesterday that a former beauty queen from mid-Ulster had left home in shame after a weekend blunder of titanic proportions. It may have been a 1996 Datsun Sunny but it was tested to its limits on Sunday by the former Miss Greencastle, Susie McGurk. Having driven an automatic Peugeot since getting the test in 1990 which failed to start the morning of the hurling semi-final in Dublin, McGurk borrowed her father’s Datsun in order to make the game on time.
‘I just thought she was a noisy yoke but the payple waving at me did make me think something was up. So I just turned Sunday Sequence up further on the wireless and waved back. I also thought it strange that while I had her shoe to the burd, mopeds were passing me.’
The Datsun, Sunday 8am
It was only on getting out of the vehicle at Newry to be greeted with a steamy cascade causing excessive engine wear, excessive oil loss leading to engine failure, excessive fuel consumption, overheating and subsequent engine damage that she realised it wasn’t an automatic. Mr McGurk refused an interview but was overheard shouting ‘stupid fuckin bitch’ and’ won’t darken my door again’ at confessions that night.
Tyrone Tribulations 