Category Archives: Moygashel
PSNI Defend Poor Record On Cattle Theft: Many Unsure What A Cow Looks Like
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Figures released by the PSNI last week confirmed that despite over 300 cattle have been stolen from the South Tyrone area since 2012, no arrests have been made.
Defending their record, DI Sean Robertson said,
“Listen. We’re up to our necks giving out parking tickets, and we’ve all this cattle theft to sort out as well. We’ve been told there’s 300 cattle been stolen. Well, we’ve not found a single one. Maybe they’ve got it wrong. Do they mean kettles?”
Robertson also explained the challenges some of his officers have had identifying cattle.
“Understand that some of these officers come from huge towns like Aughnacloy or Moygashel. They’ve rarely been out in the country, poor lads. Some of them don’t know what a cow looks like. And it’s easy. Cows is the ones that look like wee fluffy white clouds. Aren’t they? Or is that pigs?”
Responding to the criticism, Constable Ivor McDowell said,
“Where do you hide 300 cows? We’ve seen pictures and they’re enormous. We’ve been sent to butcher shops to see if we can find what might have happened to them, but it’s a waste of time. The only thing in them butcher shops is massive big pieces of meat and stuff. There’s no way you could hide a cow in there. It’s pointless. And anyway, you’d need an awful lot of milk for them to drink, wouldn’t you?”
Officers are also working on a theory that the cattle weren’t stolen at all, but instead that the cows might be playing a game of hide and seek with police.
“If that’s the case, wasting police time is a grave offence and can come with a custodial sentence”, said a stern Robertson. “If we find out that these cow things are deliberately giving us the run around, Jaysus, we’ll take the legs out from under them. Both of them. Or have they got four legs?”
In a separate incident, three cows were arrested last night in a field near Plumbridge for ‘urinating in a public place’.
Moygashel Woman Desperately Looking For Ways To Avoid Annual Family Christmas Argument
Christmas Day in Moygashel
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Moygashel woman is preparing for the biggest challenge of her life as she frantically looks for increasingly inventive ways to avoid family arguments breaking out on Christmas Day.
“I offered everyone round on Christmas Day in about August and then forgot all about it”, bemoaned 34-year old Rachel McNally from Moygashel. “Jaysus, what was I thinking? It’ll be like managing the G8. My da’s not talking to my brother Frankie since he sold that field that never belonged to him, my other brother Paul lost the family car on a game of 25’s which his wife Paula’s still not forgiven him for, and my mum’s not talking to my da since he went and hired that 19 year old Latvian girl to help dung out the shed. One word from anybody and it’ll be like a feckin dynamite. I’ll be lucky to get through the day alive”.
McNally has previously resorted to a variety of methods to ensure arguments don’t spoil the day.
“The last few years I’ve opted for themed Christmas Days which have worked quite well. 2012 was the ‘Monastic-Themed Christmas’ when everyone had to dress as a monk and took a vow of silence for the day. It went surprisingly okay, other than the v-signs that Frankie kept making to his ex. And the rabbit punch he got from my da on the side of his head when he was half-way through his turkey. Still, he never made a sound. Fair play to him”.
McNally continued,
“2011 was fine as well, which was ‘Games-Themed Christmas Day”. We had a 3-hour game of charades and a 2-hour game of Pictionary, and then for the Queen’s Speech we came together and shouted abuse at the TV”.
Rachel’s plan for 2013 is an ‘Alcohol-Themed Christmas’.
“To be honest I’ve run out of ideas, so I’m going to get everyone as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible”, said McNally. “I’ve already loaded up the cake with nearly a pint of sherry, and we’re going to have tequila shots all the way through dinner. If I can get everyone completely hammered then the sooner everyone passes out, the better. Not sure how Granny Gormley’ll cope. She’s 96 and took the pledge 70 years ago. Still, it’s worth a go”, she said hopefully.
In 2010 McNally opted for a disco-themed Christmas Day with flashing lights and a smoke machine, which ended abruptly after she forgot that her sister was an epileptic and brother-in-law Dennis was a chronic asthma sufferer.
Heathrow’s Third Runway Might Be Built At Moygashal’s Linen Green
Dry run at Moygashal
By Shengas McGlumphie
Plans are underway to build London Heathrow Airport’s controversial third runway on the site of the beleaguered Linen Green in Moygashel. Proposals for the controversial third runway at Heathrow have reached deadlock in recent years with the current government accused of kicking the issue into the long grass, whilst closer to home the upmarket Linen Green retail outlet in Moygashel, Tyrone, has been put up for sale in recent weeks after its owner was declared bankrupt.
‘Every way you look at it, this makes perfect sense,” said local entrepreneur, property owner and part-time fantasist Declan Corrigan, who is leading the initiative. “Them London planning boys need to look outside the box a bit. They want a third runway at Heathrow but there’s not enough space and the campaigners don’t like it. They should look a wee bit further afield. Like Moygashel”.
Corrigan explained the plans for the audacious proposal.
“We’ll turn some of the empty Linen Green shops into a huge petrol station for the jumbo jets to roll up to, nice and easy. And it won’t need a terminal building because there’s a big Spar Shop round the corner. It even sells hummus which would cater for the foreign types”.
Corrigan went on to outline his plans for the runway itself.
“Everyone’s into the environment these days, so we make use of what we’ve already got. Them airyplanes will taxi out down the Mullybrannon Road to the A4 and they can take off and land on the dual carriageway. To keep it safe, we’ll have a man with a flag to stop cars during take-off and landing. Once we’ve knocked out a few of the bridges that’s the job done. And if they need a long runway for Concorde and the like we’ll give them one. 40 miles of it all the way down to Belfast”.
Suggestions that the 300 miles between Moygashel and London might be further than passengers would like, Corrigan retorted,
“Jaysus, Ryanair play that game all the time and it doesn’t stop them. And anyway, if for some mad reason they’re desperate to get to London, we’ll bus them down to Belfast City Airport and they can catch a plane from there”.
Opponents of the plans have already raised concerns regarding potential noise and air pollution in the local area. Corrigan said,
“People have to stop being selfish with all this ‘not-in-my-back-yard’ stuff. They should think about the money this could bring into the Tyrone economy, that’s what they should be doing. Besides, I live in Coalisland, so as long as the runway’s nowhere near there it won’t affect me”.
Moygashel Man Not Fond Of Brussel Sprouts and Christmas
A Moygashel machine operator admitted this morning that he’s not overly enamored with Brussel Sprouts in spite of what he has said at every dinner table he has eaten at around Christmas since 1955. Malachy Carney made the astonishing outburst to his mate Gerry the plumber as they fished for small perch in the Torrent River before sunrise on Wednesday.
“I’m coming clean this year,” he told Gerry the plumber, “I can’t stand the fcukers. Since a young lad I’ve watched people put them in their gob and chew whilst trying not to show the utter feeling of revulsion and disgust on their face. It was a sign of weakness for a man in Moygashel not to like the sprouts. I remember my grandfather passing out after eating his second one and he put it down to ‘bad movements’ so no one asked any questions. I knew rightly. Well, that’s it for me. I’d rather ate a boul a dung.”
Carney’s nightmare
Malachy, who was in a particularly bad mood this morning, also admitted he didn’t really like Christmas and wouldn’t be sending any Christmas cards out this year, even to his in-laws. Gerry took up the story:
“Jaysus he was in foul form altogether. He said he hadn’t received a Christmas present he’d liked since he got a pile of Lego when he was 5. This annoyed me a bit as I’d bought him a pair of Brian Dooher trunks last year. Then he pledged not to reply to cards he received as the majority were a shower of miserable bastards the rest of the year who’d cross the street if they saw you coming. Just when I thought he was finished he said he didn’t believe in Jesus anyway and says there’s no way yer woman rode on a donkey with her nine months pregnant in the depths of winter.”
Malachy repeated the message to Mrs Carney on arriving home, only to be met with an avalanche of abuse about ‘acting the bollocks’ and that he would be eating the sprouts ‘or there’d be no drink bought the year’. Carney said he would take a few then.
Tyrone Tribulations 