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Beragh Set To Build New Village Hall And Leisure Centre If Uruguay Win Euros
Beragh school children get ready for the Euros
The tiny village of Beragh is set to become the envy of the county if an adventurous gamble comes off during the current European Championships in France.
After days of intense analysis by sporting experts in the local watering establishment, it was decided that Uruguay was the most likely outsider to win the tournament. Every family agreed to donate £10 each to the kitty which, if successful, will see the village a cool £3.5 million richer due to the generous odds laid on by local bookmaker Westwoods. The winnings, if successful, will see work begin on a multi-million pound leisure centre with an Olympic-length swimming pool and a tennis court capable of holding one of the world majors.
Kitty treasurer Kitty Grimes told us:
“If the boys are correct about this, we’ll be the richest village in Ireland, if not the world. The jealously will be dripping off the Omagh ones. We’ll make sure every penny is accounted for and if there’s any left over we’ll have a fun day or something like that. Well done to the lads in the pub. I’m quietly confident they’ll come up smelling of roses. And a big thank you to Westwood bookmakers who laid on generous odds of 10’000-1 even though he stands to lose a fortune.”
The village has already been kitted out in Uruguay colours, much to the delight of soccer expert and chief debater John McCaughey:
“Ah it’s great to see the flags all around. They’ve really got behind our decision. It was a heated debate and strong arguments were made for France, Spain, Mexico and even England but we all agreed eventually that Uruguay was the most likely underdog to win it. That Luis Suarez lad is lethal.”
Although unsure when Uruguay’s first game is, McCaughey maintains it’ll be one hell of a party to begin a month of celebrations before the expected financial windfall.
Clonoe GAC Youth Policy “A Clean Disgrace”
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Clonoe cub yesterday
Damian Cassidy has been blasted by Coalisland na Fianna players and supporters as “a clean disgrace” following reports that he has placed all male children in Clonoe over the age of 2 and a half years old on a unique ‘Rahilly cubs’ strength and conditioning program.
It is further rumoured that ‘the cubs’ (as the 30 month plus young boys are known), have embarked on training programs deemed more advanced than even that of the cross-fit gymnasiums currently sweeping the nation. In photos leaked to Tyrone Tribulations, we can confirm children are being taught to perform the Snatch, Clean and Jerk Olympic style power lifts, with purpose built toy weights. Initial reports suggest that the clubhouse fitness suite is allegedly preparing for pram sized parking spaces to be painted on the tar, and boxes of pampers, dummies and babies bottles have been spotted beside the vending machine in the foyer.
One local we spoke to outside Tessie’s, who did not want to be named ‘for security reasons’, nervously indicated that the rumours may indeed be true.
“Hi, what Cassidy says, goes round these parts, hi.”
He stammered on:
“No man questions him- they just do whatever he tells them to do… Sure there’s one of the reserves who carries his own shite around in a wee lunch box with him everywhere he goes because Cassidy says it will make him faster. He was put out of Begley’s shop last week cause of the smell – and him in looking about new boots. Apparently he fairly shifted out the door alright.”
When pressed whether Mr Cassidy would consider such ground-breaking and controversial steps, our source told us:
“aye, well- you could say he’s the new Mickey Harte, but he’s from Derry, so you wouldn’t really say that,”
before darting off.
Damian Cassidy was approached for comment and, while he duly obliged, apart from the word “sir” we were unable to ascertain what he had to say. A Derry/Tyrone translator could not decipher the tapes we recorded. Mr Cassidy did, however, nod his head three times yet shook his head FOUR times over the course of his interview, which we take as a firm denial of the new youth training policy.
Tyrone Tribulations 