Author Archives: Gombeen
Tyrone To Offer Russians Healy Park As Bomb Target Instead Of Fivemiletown
Tyrone GAA officials are to assemble a convoy to Moscow after it emerged that Fivemiletown is on the Russian radar for nuclear strikes, should Putin take the notion.
After an emergency meeting last night in Dungannon (as Healy Park media room was waterlogged), GAA officials agreed that a strike on Healy Park would be ideal, as they are planning on cutting it up anyway to solve the draining issue.
Henry Sally, GAA War PR, added:
“I can see yer man Putin having an issue with this. Sure we’ll even pretend to be making military uniforms or something using scarecrows in the middle of the field to lure them in. Bombing Fivemiletown would be a disaster. Where would people go after Clogher? Fermanagh? Sure that’s worse than a nuclear fallout.”
If Putin does bomb Healy Park into shite, it is estimated that it could save Tyrone GAA thousands on digger hire.
Pope Leo Catches Tyrone Jersey And Starts Saying Things Are Deadly and Lethal
Pope Leo, who caught a Tyrone jersey thrown at him in Rome this week, has alarmed his closest aides by totally changing his mannerisms and dialect since the incident. After celebrating Mass at St Peter’s this morning, he commented to the altar boys that it was a ‘deadly mass altogether’ and that it was ‘lethal to see a big crowd’, and was glad ‘them shower a hoors didn’t wreck it’, pointing at protesters outside the Vatican.
There are fears that he may start practising the dark arts, although it was only southern media suggesting that.
Leo, who once lined out for the Philadelphia Fighting Cocks at full back in 1977, marking Frank McGuigan out of the game, has already suggested he might attend a Tyrone game after asking reporters if they were ‘heading til Clones the year’ to looks of confusion from the Italian press.
Cappagh Admits To Using Northern Lights As Christmas Tree Switch On Event. Clouds Leave Locals Disappointed.
Cappagh Village Community Group has admitted that, as a cost-cutting initiative, they asked a local meteorologist to use their knowledge of solar flares to predict the best night to advertise the Christmas Light ‘turn on’ and simply use the sky instead of an actual tree.
Villagers were unable to see the lights on the night due to a cloudy sky, but were told that a picture of the lights would be uploaded later to the community’s Facebook page, to a round of rapturous applause from those who were still standing about.
Optimistic locals claim that although it was slightly disappointing that there were no actual lights or trees, they will continue to congregate every night at 9pm at the village centre in case they turn up. They were also pleased that there was a bit of the moon poking through on the night.
Tyrone Man Without Tattoos Cannot Get Job In Hospitality
A Tyrone man with 15 years of experience as a barman, waiter, and back-of-house work in Ireland, London, and New York, claims he cannot get a job because he does not have any tattoos.
Liam McMahon, who has also enjoyed stints as a travel writer, told the BBC that the perception of food these days has changed that much that unless waiters are “covered in stupid tattoos” they will not be suitable for the hospitality industry.
Mr McMahon told us:
“I turned up alongside three other people for a job at the Cappuchino Room in Coalisland yesterday, and I was literally the only one of us who had actually worked as a waiter. One lad was straight out of prison, complete with teardrop tattoos under his eyes, swallows where his thumb met his index finger and spiderwebs on his elbows. Needless to say I didn’t get the job”
Mr McMahon, a native of Beragh, told us that this inability to get work in the field in which he is experienced has led to serious strain on his relationship. His fiancée said to him that he should draw tattoos on with a biro until he gets hired somewhere, and then wash them off afterwards. As a principled man, he has refused to do so.
“It’s a sad day when Conor McGregor, or that lad from that x-files episode at the carnival, is better placed to get work taking orders and serving food that a man with several years experience at some of the world’s best known restaurants just because of what is currently in vogue. I mean where will it end?”
We have approached the Equality Commission for comment.
Calls For Tyrone’s First Club AI Manager To Get Sack After It Mistakenly Ordered Fish Supper During Match Glitch
Windmill GFC’s recent revival has met a bump in the road after their new manager, an AI Bot called Takehimdowntefeck, glitched and ordered a takeaway during a friendly game instead of a substitution.
The AI bot, which manages the squad from a laptop, was said to provide state-of-the-art management and training until the glitch.
Windmill officials boasted of how it:
- Doesn’t sleep, eat or shite – saving money and time
- Can be put in a laptop case and thrown into the river if it loses
- You can change its voice (eg Clint Eastwood, Polly Parton) depending on the result or halftime score
- Leaves an extra seat in the dugout for a spare goalkeeper etc
The glitch came at a crucial point in the friendly game with the Windmill a point down, only to see a chip van pull up and a fish supper making its way to the home dugout.
This wasn’t the first time the AI manager caused trouble. In a friendly away to Brocagh, the poor WiFi signal there meant most of the decisions were only half understood.
There were also concerns that the AI manager was eyeing up Hawkeye during a Windmill trip to Croke Park.
Clonoe O’Rahilly’s To Raise Funds For Ulster Championship With Coalisland Fianna Tribute CD
To raise much-needed funds for their assault on the Ulster Intermediate Championship, Clonoe O’Rahilly’s have released a CD packed full of lovely songs about their neighbours, Coalisland Fianna, and will go on sale outside all good chapels tomorrow morning.
Included are some well-known ballads such as Dirty Old Town, We’re Not Brackaville We’re Coalisland, and the newly penned Shame, Na Fianna Foiled.
CDs retail at £15.99
Derrylaughan GAC Accused Of Breeding Asian Hornets To Replace Midges During Matches
Derrylaughan Kevin Barrys, who used to win loads of matches from 1965-1985 including two county titles, due to the amount of midges in the eyes of opposition players unaccustomed to the phenomenon, have been accused of breeding Asian Hornets to replace the decreasing numbers of midges.
The hornet, an aggressive beast that can render players incapable of seeing for days, has been spotted around the lough being trained to attack anything not wearing a green jersey. This appears to be an escalation in tactics by the loughshore team to ensure a quick return to the senior grade in 2027.
Environmentalist Kenny Arching fumed:
“Derrylaughan would need to have a good luk at itself. Them hornets are deadly. They’ve no loyalty either and will head up the road to Ardboe and Moortown. Soon the whole of the East will be a no-go area again; teams like Urney and Aughabrack won’t trek across the county to come back covered in lumps and an eye missing. It’ll be like the 70s all over again. Imagine if the Windmill had hornets.”
Derrylaughan have denied breeding hornets and said they’re just big angry midges.
Church Ordered To Change Name Of Rooster Appreciation Sunday From ‘Blessing Of The Cocks’ To Something More Holy
The Vatican has ordered a church in East Tyrone to change the name of their rooster appreciation weekend from ‘Blessing Of The Cocks’ to something more palatable.
St John’s RC Church on the outskirts of Aughamullan, which has a history of unique Sunday blessings, has decided to honour the rooster this year. The rooster acts as a natural alarm clock for locals in the area, as many of them are suspicious of electronics.
Parish priest Fr Jimmy admitted he might change the name to suit his Roman overlords, but was adamant that the blessing of roosters would still go ahead on the date planned:
“Aye it’s a bit of a pity as I’d loads of Blessing of the Cocks banners done out but it’s easily changed. And I suppose there are loads of other cocks out there, like pheasants and stuff. No harm done.”
Next month, the parish has announced the Blessing of the Dungarees.
Errigal Ciaran Deny Making Senior Players Wear Fake Moustaches and Wigs For Thirds Team Championship Game
Rumours that Peter Harte and Joe Oguz wore highly convincing wigs, whilst the Canavan brothers painted big moustaches on their faces, have been denied by the club after their Thirds overturned Derrytresk in the Junior Championship, despite a 26-point loss to the same opposition earlier in the year in the league.
Spectators at the game became suspicious after a player with a blonde mullet, who bore a striking resemblance to Peter Harte, scored a point with the outside of his foot, only to be congratulated with shouts of ‘Well done Petey’ from his club supporters. Errigal mentors were quick to correct the crowd by shouting ‘that’s not Petey, that’s his cousin Peader’ to their own fans, who were now smirking.
Tyrone GAA spokesman Leo McGinley maintains Errigal did not break the rules:
“Listen, Derrytresk only bate Errigal earlier in the year by 26 points because the Hill ones used one of their clubmen as an umpire. And besides, if the Ballygawley ones want to pull a few of their seniors into the thirds to win the coveted Junior title, fair frigs to them. It’s not easy playing in fancy dress.”
Darragh Canavan was spotted wearing a face mask on Monday morning, but denied it was because he couldn’t get the permanent marker off.
Fish Supper In Cookstown Reaches £42. Credit Union Sees Rise In Loans.
The Cookstown Credit Union has urged chip shop owners to lower the price of a fish supper after it saw a rise in loans for Friday fast-food family meals.
One of Cookstown’s newest outlets, The Cod’s Pollocks, has defended the price rise, citing the cost of the newspapers to put the food into, as well as the price of the small plastic forks.
Shop owner Nemo Fisher fumed:
“People need to wise up and quit moaning about it. Sure everything is going up. I bought a tin of Lilt and a Marathon last week in a shop in Pomeroy and it gave me 50p change from a fiver. People don’t realise the cost of things. Sure the Guardian newspaper is nearly £5 on a Saturday and that’s our favourite newspaper for cods.”
Cookstown man Ray Haddock revealed he had to take on a part-time job this week in the evenings to pay for a rake of fish suppers he bought at the weekend for his son’s 7th birthday.
Croke Park To Weigh Fans Before Admittance To Big Games
Croke Park has purchased over 400 scales in a bid to curb heavier supporters taking up too much room at All-Ireland semi-finals and finals. They have also asked Ticketmaster to add a tab to their app, which will make buyers declare their weight before purchasing a ticket, in stones and pounds.
Early trials suggest that people with a BMI of over 30 will be charged £10 more than the asking price and will be told to stand in Hill 16.
This morning, we travelled around the county and asked for views on the subject:
“That’s me on the diet now. I’ve a good feeling we’ll do well next year and I don’t have the legs for standing on Hill 16” RONAN MCSHELVY (COALISLAND)
“It’s a disgrace. Sure half them people that run the GAA are a quare size themselves.” PETER MORAN (TRILLICK)
“I’m furious. Not at Croke Park. The people. Fat bastards are ruining everything for everyone.” TOM DAVIDSON (BROCAGH)
“I’m a big girl myself and don’t mind standing on the Hill.” ELIZE MADONNA KELLEGHER (CASTLEDERG)
Meanwhile, Croke Park has also announced it will be limiting burger quotas to just one burger per family until the above issue has settled.
Unionists Lodge Complaint Against Colour Of Lough Neagh Algae
Insiders claim that a complaint by the Combined Unionist Collegiate is about to be lodged with the Department of Environment, complaining about the greenness of the Lough Neagh algae, proposing that it is injected with colouring to make it a bit more orange or even red and blue.
The algae, whose damaging presence has saddened many due to years of neglect by authorities, has become much greener this year, making it a real eyesore for unionists around the shore. Many have upped sticks and left for more inland areas, such as Ballymena and Moygashel, where the water is much less green.
Billy McIdle, leader of the Unionist Collegiate, fumed:
“Sinn Fein and the SDLP have allowed this to happen to wind us up. I was up in a helicopter last week carting pallets from Fivemiletown to Antrim and it was like a permanent St Patrick’s Day. It’s not on. There’s no reason why we can’t inject the algae with red and blue and make it a more equitable lough. Sure what harm can it do?”
Meanwhile, an eel-whisperer claims an eel told him they mightn’t bother heading to the Lough next year and might take a detour to Lough Fea near Cookstown to see what it’s like.
Eglish Man Threatens To Pish On Badly Parked Cars And Record It On TikTok
An Eglish social media influencer has promised to pish on cars that aren’t within their lines at carparks or parked in disabled spots without a badge, especially in the bigger towns like Dungannon, Coalisland, Cookstown and Omagh.
Malachy Jordan, who also describes himself as a social justice warrior, admitted to secretly pishing on cars already that were badly parked, but didn’t record it.
In a post on the Tiktok last week, he announced:
“There will be no exceptions and I’ll specifically target big motors like Range Rovers. If I see their tyres touching the lines and making it hard for others to get out of their car doors, I’ll pish on their wheels and maybe the door handle if I can get it up that far. It drives me mental. Especially those with personalised numberplates. It’s usually them.”
Jordan has a following of over 1.2 million people on social media, mostly accrued after he made videos last year of bursting the tyres of tractors that were holding up traffic on small roads.
Tyrone Illusionist Disappears On Britain’s Got Talent Whilst On Bail
An Ardboe fisherman, currently on bail for stealing ten jars of Nutella at Nutt’s Corner market, has disappeared completely after being granted permission by a Dungannon judge to appear as an illusionist on Britain’s Got Talent.
Reginald McGuigan, who also performs tricks at children’s parties under the alias ‘Reg the Clift’, auditioned for BGT but astounded the judges by completely disappearing during his act, and has yet to be found after six days of searching.
Simon Cowell, who initially claimed it was the best act he’d ever seen, changed his mind after it emerged McGuigan had done a runner, and ordered the clip not to be shown.
An insider added:
“We haven’t a clue how he did it. There was no trap door and we checked the cage he was in. He seems to have disappeared into thin air. If he is reading this, please come back. You’ll make millions.”
McGuigan was once chased from a school variety show after making the secretary disappear during the act, only to be found later with her in the principal’s office in a compromising position.
Reg the Clift rejects the accusations that he stole the Nutella.
East Tyrone’s First Driverless Bus Called In After Stopping Off At Falls Bar For ‘Pints’
Technicians are investigating the programming of East Tyrone’s first driverless bus after it stopped at a pub two minutes into its maiden test drive from Washingbay to the Tamnamore car park, sending a text message to the control centre that just said ‘pints’.
The bus, which was to ferry 25 passengers on a test drive from Derrylaughan GAA to the Tamnamore Park and Ride near the M1, a 3.6-mile journey, stopped half a mile into the drive, parking just outside Falls Bar and opening its doors.
The expert behind the initiative, Killyman engineer Oscar McVeigh, was at a loss to explain the detour:
“To be honest, I didn’t even know the bus could send us messages. To receive ‘pints’ as a text message from the driverless bus was exciting but also terrifying. We’ll go again tomorrow and maybe try a different route that has no pub. I wasn’t aware that AI could be fond of the drink.”
Technicians are also investigating the possibility that the pub’s owner had a cousin involved in programming the vehicle’s brain.
Two Tyrone Road Workers Sacked For Painting Big Yellow Box In Maghera ‘For The Craic’
It has emerged that the big yellow box, which has since been reduced in size, was painted by two men from Kildress for a laugh, and also to waste up yellow paint as they were getting paid by the stroke.
The two men, one of whom is married to a Derry woman, admitted they’d had a few drinks in them that morning, the day after Tyrone beat Donegal in the Championship. They revealed that at one stage they considered extending the yellow box halfway up the Glenshane ‘just to annoy the Derry ones’.
“Aye I’m disappointed to lose the job but we’d good fun watching the first few motorists trying to get their heads around the big box, from our cabin camera. At one stage there were about six cars driving along the kerb trying to avoid touching it. And we were getting paid by the stroke so it was a good pay-off.”
The culprits were caught that evening after falling asleep in a Portacabin around the corner, with their homemade CCTV still trained on the yellow box. They’d drunk three 6-packs of Carlsberg each.
Meanwhile, the Maghera Historical Society has asked people to come forward to share their memories of the days of the big yellow box.
Orange Order Call For More Tyrone Flags On Bonfires To Show Solidarity With Red Hands
With Tyrone’s semi-final clash against Kerry now scheduled for the 12th of July, Orange leaders in Coagh, Tamnamore and Augher have urged their 11th night revellers to pile more Tyrone flags and pictures of Peter Canavan and Sean Cavanagh onto their bonfires in an act of comradeship with their GAA brothers.
They have also suggested that parade-goers should send Tyrone followers on their merry way to Croke Park on the day by holding up two fingers at supporters driving past, indicating that they should go for two-pointers during the game.
Billy ‘The Biter’ Bunter, one of the top Orangemen in the Fivemiletown radius, explained:
“I’ve great time for the GAA, as all our brethern do. In the 80s I was a massive fan of the men in white like Harold McClure. I personally burnt the Tyrone cassette that came out at the time, in honour of their feats. The least we can do is merge both cultures. GAA ones like their flags, and we like burning stuff. It’s a match made in heaven.”
The Augher LOL have set a stall outside their lodge, asking for donations of Tyrone hats, scarves, headbands and flags.
Brawl At School Gates After Teachers Filmed Laughing And Winking At Parents Before Summer Holidays
A mass brawl broke out at an Aughnacloy school this afternoon after parents accused teachers of grinning and winking at them as their children completed the last day of the school year. A P6 teacher was hospitalised after falling on a glass of prosecco.
In video footage leaked to TikTok, teachers were spotted dancing and pointing at parents whilst sipping from what looked like long flutes of champagne. A few parents started throwing rocks at the teachers, with the school staff responding by giving them the fingers, as well as the VP baring his backside whilst singing ‘cheerio’.
The Education Authority has urged teachers not to rub it in at this time of the year and to be mindful that parents face 60 consecutive days of having to entertain their own children.
“It’s not easy for the poor parents. Teachers only have them for 8 hours a day five days a week. These poor parents now are faced with raring their own children for two months and having to recharge ipads and phones every night. Teachers need to be wary of this and stop drinking and frollicking at school gates at this time of the year.”
The Aughnacloy brawl ended after the Principal smashed a Peroni bottle over the head of Fr Kelly’s son by mistake, who is in P6.
1980s Tight Tyrone GAA Shorts On Rise Again After Good Spell
Women of Tyrone have been told to wear sunglasses at all times when outdoors this weekend after a spate of men between the ages of 50-65 have been spotted parading around Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh and Strabane wearing 1980s GAA shorts once sported by Plunkett Donaghy, Kevin McCabe and John Lynch.
The shorts, which are now illegal in 17 counties due to multiple court cases for indecency, are still legal in Tyrone. Last week, a crowd of Americans touring the county, looking for broken Celtic crosses, was sent screaming back to their bus after two men from Galbally emerged from a gap in the hedge wearing their club’s shorts from their successful 1986 Junior League campaign.
One of the tourists, Brock Power from Arizona, commented
“Balls on them like stallions. I didn’t need to see that after a hearty irish breakfast, man.”
County officials have asked women to wear the darkest sunglasses possible over the next while in most rural areas in the county.
In other news, people from Edendork have been told to stop licking the melted tar on the roads. A tiktok video has been blamed for convincing them it was liquorice.
Geezer To Bless All Armagh Graves Before Galway Game To Ensure Good Support
Kieran McGeeney has been given permission by the Arch Bishop of Armagh to do a mass blessing of all the graves of Armagh on Saturday 14th June in Breffni Park, just before the ball is thrown in against Galway.
Fears of a poor match turnout were gathering this week after it emerged that the game coincided with the blessing of graves on many parishes across the county. Armagh is known for their fanatical support of graves and graveyards, with many supporters claiming their dearly departed loved ones would be turning in their graves had the match gone ahead with a blessing.
McGeeney, who doesn’t believe in graveyards or death, has opted to wear a small purple tunic for the blessing and will conduct the 30 second ritual in a strong Mullaghbawn dialect, closely linked to the native tongue of the Baluba tribe of Congo.
Tyrone’s Malachy O’Rourke refused to comment.
Tyrone Tribulations 