Author Archives: Gombeen
Tyrone GAA Launch Search For Gulpins To Bulk Up Skilful Underage Talent For Senior Level
Tyrone GAA have launched a campaign to recruit up to FIVE gulpins to bulk up the serious underage talent the county is producing, preferably between the ages of 25-30. Pundits have argued that the lack of a gulpin could prevent Tyrone from competing with the Galways and Armaghs in upcoming years, both of whom have a plethora of gulpins.
The typical Tyrone gulpin is normally around 5’10” to six feet tall, 15+ stone, and able to take out two men through clumsiness. They won’t have played much underage football.
To cover all positions, the board has defined what a good gulpin would make in each of the three key gulpin positions:
- FULL BACK GULPIN: Won’t stray from the square. Will fist all high balls coming in, accidentally nicking the full forward’s scalp in the process. If in possession of the ball, they will kick it as far down the field as they can, coupled with ‘go on ye boy ye, yahooooo’ and hit the full forward another slap on the way back. Do not solo.
- MIDFIELD GULPIN: Won’t stray from the midfield line. If clean catching, fist it to the nearest teammate, often punching it with the fist over long distances. Permitted to create a one-man wall for raids down the field by the opposition, using arms as a windmill. Late tackles will be seen as clumsiness. Do not solo.
- FULL FORWARD GULPIN: Won’t stray from the box or make diagonal runs. High balls will be fisted towards the goal, often catching a part of the head area of the full back. If in possession of the ball, run the ball into the net with two opposition players as well as the goalkeeper hanging off. Do not solo.
The next round of league games will be scrutinised for gulpins.
BREAKING: Tyrone Seniors May Wear Speedos In Ballybofey In Solidarity With Camogs
According to sources close to the team, an internal vote tonight suggests that Tyrone are soon to make public their intention to wear Speedos in the group game against Donegal to protest against the ongoing skorts controversy.
Whether Malachy O’Rourke will also wear the swimwear on the sidelines hasn’t been made clear.
It has also been intimated that Cathal McShane left the panel because he wanted to wear the better-fitting Arena swimming togs but was overruled by Kennedy and Kilpatrick who are eyeing a long-term Speedos modeling contract.
Darren McCurry tried out wearing Speedos during tonight’s training but a wardrobe malfunction saw Padraig Hamspey taken to A&E with a vomiting condition.
The GPA has yet to comment.
Great Excitement In Brackaville As Time Capsule Opened From 2020
Hundreds of Brackaville people, and even some from Coalisland, gathered excitedly for the dramatic opening of a time capsule which had been sealed since 2020, nearly five years ago. Locals maintain that they have gained great insight into how people in the area lived their daily lives back then and are willing to share their findings with scientists in Belfast.
After opening the chest, there were loud ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaaahs’ as items were pulled out one-by-one and shown to the excited spectators. Included were face-masks, hand sanitisers, toilet rolls and a copy of the Tyrone Times from June 2020. There was also a 6-pack of McCoys crisps and a £20 ticket for a Stewartstown GAA draw.
Brackaville historian, Kelly Gillis, explained:
“What we learned was that the people of the time were fairly primative. They seemed to be avoiding some kind of illness, hence the face-masks or some have suggested if there was perhaps a religious aspect to it and that the clergy had made people wear them to stop kissing and stuff. The hand sanitisers must have been used because they were a very dirty people, maybe digging for spuds barehanded. Toilet rolls were probably new to Brackaville people in 2020. It’s really quite exciting.”
One item caused much consternation, an official MOT certificate, but it was agreed that it was probably mistakenly dropped in by someone from Newmills.
Armagh To Rename Washingbay As The ‘Gulf Of Maghery’
In a show of bravado before the Ulster semi-final against their dear neighbours Tyrone, Armagh Borough Council has announced it will refer to the greater Washingbay area in east Tyrone as the ‘Gulf of Maghery’. It will be changing maps in schools to reflect this.
Taking inspiration from their fellow orange man in the US, the name change will take immediate effect, with additional measures such as the planting of over 500 apple trees, and forcing public houses to promote Buckfast as their recommended drink of choice. Also, players from Derrytresk, Derrylaughan and parts of Brocagh will now be expected to tog out for the Orchard county if called upon, leaving Brian Kennedy in a precarious position before Saturday week.
Washingbay fisherman, Mattie Hughes, has surprisingly welcomed the news:
“I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. OK, we lose our identity a bit but let’s be honest, it’ll mean that Peatlands Park and Oxford Island will be free to use as there is currently a Tyrone tariff placed on Tyrone ones using it. I love Peatlands park. It’ll also mean Brian Kennedy has another All-Ireland.”
There was a protest tonight at Tamnamore roundabout against the move, but only six people turned out because of the weather. Additionally, roadworks at Tamnamore meant the 6-person protest had to move to the next roundabout at Dungannon. The police have urged the protesters to stop having protests at roundabouts.
Balls Kicked From Moy Into Blackwatertown, Smashing Windows. ‘Practising 2-Pointers’ Claim Moy Men.
Tyrone/Armagh tensions have been heightened further ahead of the upcoming Ulster Semi-Final after it emerged over 400 GAA and soccer balls have been kicked towards houses and sheds in Blackwatertown in Armagh from the direction of the neighbouring Moy village, over the last three days. The latest damage totals 14 windows and 3 fences.
Last night, a man from the Moy was caught getting out of his car on the Charlemont Rd and lining up a kick towards St Jarlath’s Boxing Club. When apprehended, he claimed he played for Tyrone and was just practising two-pointers before the big game in Clones.
Investigations confirmed that he was, in fact, a former Tyrone player from the Moy with a bad hip.
Armagh GAA requested Tyrone GAA intervene before further damage made relations irreparable, but reminded their rivals that they now have over 400 Tyrone O’Neills balls.
Cavan Fans Lodge Complaint About Omagh St Enda’s Soup Going Up 10p to £1.60
The famous Omagh GAA soup, recently positively reviewed in a TikTok influencer video, has come under fire by the Cavan Ultras Supporters’ Society (CUSS) after it emerged that Omagh officials have raised the price by 10p, their first increase since 2005.
Cavan, who play Tyrone this Sunday in the Ulster Championship first round in Omagh, have threatened to bring their own mobile soup kitchen to the game and park it outside the main gates, in protest of the 10p hike.
CUSS spokesman Lawrence Reilly fumed:
“Do they think we’re made of money in Cavan? In the past we could have got 2 soups for £3 and took one home for later. Now we’ve to pay an extra 20p for 2 soups. The world has gone mad. I’d rather starve.”
Omagh stewards have warned Cavan supporters not to run onto the pitch when the referee tosses the coin. Last year, in a match against Wicklow, 16 Cavan supporters stormed the field after the coin toss and made off with the coin, his whistle and his stopwatch.
Trump’s Whatsapp Leak Confirms White House Views On 2025 GAA Championship. Musk Thinks McCurry ‘Past It’.
We can reveal that Tyrone Tribulations was mistakenly added to a White House Whatsapp group called ‘GAA Championship 2025’, revealing some surprising views held by the US government top brass.
In a comment that is sure to irk the Edendork community, Elon Musk thought Tyrone had a good chance to ‘play in the high sun’ but also commented on Darren McCurry’s age. Calling him ‘The Dazz’, Musk said he worried about the mileage on McCurry’s legs when the ground gets firmer this summer. ‘The Dazz might be past it, lads, especially in the heat of Clones’ to which Trump himself gave a thumbs-up emoji.
Vice President JD Vance went further into the intricacies of club football but also blundered when he said ‘Clonoe could take the O’Neill Cup the year’, despite Clonoe playing in Division Two in 2025. He was immediately rebuked by U.S. national security advisor Michael Waltz who wrote ‘stop talking bollocks ye wee wanker’ followed by 5 laughing emojis.
Trump, an avid Armagh supporter, put up three orange faces and wrote ‘up the apple men’ but also added he’s $500 on Darragh Canavan as top scorer and Donegal to take Sam.
Tyrone Tribulations left the group.
Tyrone GAA Offer Cookstown To Dublin In Exchange For 2 Points This Sunday
It has emerged that Dublin GAA have convened an emergency meeting tonight with Dessie Farrell to discuss the offer of annexing Cookstown for 100 years in exchange for 2 NFL points this Sunday.
Current debating issues surround the promise of multiple Floozies in Jacuzzis in Cookstown, and something to resemble the big spike in the middle of Dublin. Although there currently isn’t a big spike in the town at the moment, a farmer from nearby Tullyhogue has indicated he can build a 200-foot pole made from recycled tins and stuff.
Dublin officials are seemingly won over by the fact that Cookstown plays in blue, possesses a swagger, and in Owen Mulligan has a son who looks like someone who could have played for Dublin.
Although Tyrone are not guaranteed to stay up with two points, losing Cookstown is a gamble they’re prepared to take according to an insider:
“Let’s be honest. Cookstown is a sort of city anyway, what with all the discos and markets. And loads of the young lads walk around with bleached hair and their collars up. It’s a no-brainer.”
A sticking point appears to be Mugsy’s goal in 2005 which the Dubs want revoked.
GAA Add Another New Rule Before Championship – Protestant Players Or Vicars Can’t Score Goals. Atheists Might Be Next.
In a move that will further annoy managers up and down the country, the GAA has revealed its final rule change before the Championship starts: Protestant GAA players or vicars are not allowed to score goals, and must either score a point or pass the ball if they are clean through on goal. If successful, atheists might be added to the rule before the knockout stage.
The new rule, the fifteenth to be tried out this year, will mean all players must declare their faith before the Championship starts, with severe penalties being forced upon counties if they flout the rule.
A prominent GAA Rule Committee member, Trevor Sharkey, warned managers:
“We’ve a fair idea who the Protestant players are, even just by the look of them. We have decided to introduce this rule to add more chaos and jeopardy to the game and everyone wants that, don’t they. For now, atheists can score goals but that might not be the case in June. We shall see.”
County Down are to challenge the new rule tomorrow night, complaining that it’s hard enough for them to score goals as it is.
Trump Eyes Up Football Special & Maine Company As Ulster Says Keep Away From Our Minerals
Donald Trump has been urged to leave Ulster’s minerals alone after annexing the minerals in Ukraine through an 11th-hour deal with President Zelensky. Donegal’s Football Special, one of the nicest minerals in the nine counties, have declared they will not be handing over any minerals to the Yanks no matter what deal is made between Trump and the Irish government.
Although Trump has yet to mention Ulster’s minerals, Maine from County Antrim are adamant that they will not budge from their Ballymoney base and will turn to arms if need be:
“Listen, we’re not adverse to orange men out here in Ballymoney but that Orange bastid won’t be getting his mitts on our drinks, including the Football Special.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have warned their supporters to put emergency plans in place already because of the probability of Armagh doing 2-in-a-row.
Guide To Pomeroy For Visiting Kerry Supporters
Tyrone’s National League game with Kerry has been moved to Pomeroy. Here, we offer Kerry GAA supporters a quick guide to help them stay safe and secure at Tyrone’s highest point.
THE MOUNTAINS
One of the unofficial wonders of the world, the Mountains of Pomeroy have been honoured by many in print and song.
However, geologists have yet to find the mountains. That is not to say there are no mountains as visitors have often complained of feeling light-headed in the village, although that has been put down to local pastimes such as diesel laundering and home distilleries. Kerry people should not worry about bringing walking sticks or hiking boots.
THE DIAMOND
The Diamond has also been studied by government officials but has yet to have its own song. In the last 12 months, 23 people have tried to leave the Diamond but ended up in the same place as they started due to its unusual shape. Remembering landmarks is pointless as all the buildings look the same. A good tip is to close your eyes and run in a straight line to try to get out of the Diamond’s magnetic grip. Locals are angry that it doesn’t get the same media coverage as its sister phenomenon, the Bermuda Triangle. It is also rumoured that the Diamond was the basis for the TV show Lost.
LOCALS, ANIMALS AND CUSTOMS
Be prepared for long tailbacks behind diggers and lorries. For 300 years, anyone living in the village MUST own a digger, or a lorry at the very least. Cattle also roam the streets, acting as mobile speed bumps. The cattle also guard all entry and exit points and are said to have long memories, often targeting people who litter or drive too fast. Dogs also outnumber cats by 5 to 1 but are toilet trained, using many of the portaloos scattered around fields from abandoned attempts to build more houses. Don’t pet them though.
THINGS TO DO
- Pomeroy is home to the world’s only corrugated iron museum.
2. Ring the bell at the Church of Ireland belfry and run away.
3. Look up the road towards towards Carrickmore
4. Visit the forest and try to spot the trees
5. Look up the road towards Donaghmore
ENJOY YOUR STAY
Chest-Butting On The Rise In Maghery As A Welcome Gesture After Forker Move
Culture experts have expressed delight that the ancient communication gesture of chest-butting has returned to the north Armagh area after the Donegal Armagh game in Ballybofey last weekend.
Chest-butting, which involves recipients receiving a head-butt to the chest, is an old Druid welcome still practised in parts of north Armagh and south Tyrone, once outlawed by the British in the 1500s.
Local historian, Harry Robinson, explained:
“When Forker head-chested Murphy at the weekend, he was simply welcoming the iconic Donegal footballer after his sabbatical. It’s actually the highest form of respect an Armagh person can give. It’s usually followed up with a hug which Forker was deprived of by a trigger-happy referee.”
Armagh primary schools were reporting a rise in chest-butting in the last five days and have initiated a chest-butting summer school starting in July in Caledon.
Accusations Of Witchcraft After First Double-Decker Drives Through Coalisland. Driver chased.
Friends and family of the driver of a double-decker are concerned for his safety after his bus was stopped in Coalisland after locals accused him of some kind of dark wizardry. He was last seen fleeing towards Brackaville on foot as the bus was ransacked and the wheels stolen. A local priest was also called to bless the bus to free it from any evil spirits.
Although locals had seen double-deckers on the TV as well as on trips to Belfast and Craigavon, the sight of the two-tiered bus left many in the town, especially the elderly, on their knees praying and openly wailing as it approached the main street.
Local hardman and watcher of the roundabout, Micky O’Neill, fumed:
“Getting the roundabout was something that took a long time to accept. If they think they can start using double-deckers in our town, they’ve another thing coming. We’re not pagans. That driver will be burned at the stake if he appears again. On another note, we invite all residents to attend The Burning Of The Bus tomorrow after normal Mass. It should only take four hours to burn it to the ground.”
Coalisland has a proud history of resisting change and it was recently discovered that over 80% of the town still use cassette tapes.
Brocagh Bull Identifies As A Cow. Scientists Stumped.
A Brocagh bull that keeps hanging around the milking machines has stumped scientists into believing that it identifies as a cow.
Bertie, who is now called Cassie, spends most of his day with the other cows, and allows young children to play on its back and swing off his horns. To confirm the suspicion, Bertie was thrown into a field of 45 cows in heat but curled up in the corner and went to sleep.
Owner Patsy McGahan fumed:
“I’ve been sold a pup. I needed a bull and bought this one off a boy from Portadown. I paid big money and yer fella said he’ll go all night and all day. The only thing he goes for is a dander around the yard, staring at the cows being milked. To say I’m disappointed is putting it mildly. Cassie is actually eyeing up another bull these days.”
In an idea to prove it was a bull, McGahan dressed as a matador and tried to goad Bertie/Cassie into showing some aggression. The bull just turned around and ate some grass.
‘Beast From East’ Was Moortown Full Back Says Apologetic Weatherman
Rumours regarding a devastating cold spell called The Beast from the East have been proven unfounded after the weather station, Irish Met TV, admitted they overheard the wrong information in a pub in Moortown.
The beast turned out to be none other than the St Malachy’s full back Paulie Quinn who is contemplating a move to Aghyaran after getting married to a woman from the West Tyrone club.
Weatherman from Irish Met TV, Snowy Robinson, admitted:
“Yes it’s my fault. Id overhead a conversation about the Beast from the East heading west to wreak destruction and I assumed it was another cold spell. I jumped too quick there and I apologise to the Irish public. I also wish the beast, Paulie, all the best in Aghyaran.”
Meanwhile, a 55 year old man from up the road in Ardboe has been told to stop sucking diesel as he has now become a fire hazard to vapers outside the local Spar.
Satellite Confirm Fears That Storm Has Blown Tyrone Closer To Dungiven
Joe Brolly could become a Tyrone native in 2027 if another storm with the same impact as Storm Eowyn occurs again, according to science boffs at Magee College in Derry.
The recent storm, which saw Ballinderry lose another 14% of its territory to Ardboe in an unusual change of wind direction, as well as Fermanagh totally enveloping Trillick, witnessed the area below the Sperrins edge almost 13 miles towards Dungiven. Sean Teague is now being touted as an honorary president of the Kevin Lynch’s hurling club in the village, despite only having drank once in it, in 1988.
Derry wind expert Gusty McGonagle added:
“Yes, it looks like Joe Brolly could be the face of Tyrone in 2027 if there’s one last push. Cookstown is already on top of Magherafelt and they’re mad into the sausages now there too. Mugsy was seen learning Danny Boy at the bingo last week in the Glenavon.”
Meanwhile, a man in Beragh broke the Irish javelin throwing record during the storm, throwing it from Beragh to Killyclogher, breaking the previous 82m record.
Toilet Rolls Sell Out In Gortin Area Before Arrival Of Storm Eowyn. ‘Use Ferns’ Advises Government.
The government has uploaded videos of how to use ferns and brackens to replace the use of toilet rolls, after the big Spar shop in Gortin as well as all the minor shops in the area pleaded for shoppers to stop asking for workers to search for toilet rolls ‘around the back’ as locals fear the worst before the arrival of storm Eowyn.
Andrex, Velvet and Nicky have also confirmed that they will not be shipping extra toilet rolls to the Gortin area as there is already a big demand in other areas such as Cookstown, Dungannon, Strabane and Omagh.
Gortin shopper, Liam Coyle, fumed:
“If the ministers think I’m heading into the Gortin Glens to clean my hole in broad daylight with a few ferns, they’ve another thing coming. I’m 76 and have a bit of dignity. They need to dip into the reserves around Stormont and give us what we need before this storm arrives. With the amount of shite they spew up there, I’m sure there’s a plethora of bog roll hidden on the hill.”
When asked why people were stocking up on toilet rolls before a gale, Coyle said it was in case the electricity goes out.
Coalisland Man To Sue Chemist After Very Strong Viagra Tablet Mistaken As Paracetamol
According to sources close to the pair, a Coalisland kiln-maker, Marty Guinness (61), and his partner have initiated proceedings against a chemist in Dungannon after his paracetamol purchase left him in a permanently heightened state, three days after it was consumed.
Guinness, who ordered the supposed batch of paracetamols after getting his finger caught in a gate, noticed something was wrong when his partner was giving off about the mess he’d left the small living room in, and he didn’t really mind.
“In fact I found her quite attractive,” added Guinness. “She was calling me all the bad names of the day but I just found her deadly alluring. It was then I realised it wasn’t a paracetamol I had ate, but one of them Viagras, and a strong one at that. I keep taking cold showers but to no avail. It’s very awkward in the pub, especially when you’re talking to an oul fella or a relative. I’ve had some quare looks.”
Guinness’s partner, Mary Rice, revealed that although the constant attention was flattering to start with, she is now tired of the seductive looks and has taken to hitting him with a wooden spoon.
Doctors believe the symptoms will subside soon.
Kerry Bishop Calls On All Tyrone People To Be Excommunicated After Dr Crokes Defeat
The Bishop of Killarney, Fr Paidi Sheehy, has called on the Vatican to excommunicate all Tyrone people from the Catholic Church after Kerry outfit Dr Crokes were defeated by Ballygawley outfit Errigal Ciaran for ‘crimes against gaelic tradition’.
The excommunication of Tyrone people would not be a first, after the whole county was excommunicated in 1598 when Hugh O’Neill gave the English Queen the fingers after a banquet in London. The Queen at the time was doing a line with Pope Clement VIII.
Bishop Sheehy added:
“To be honest, we’re sick and tired of Tyrone ones with their arrogant ways. They’re flash and nouveau riche and full of it. An excommunication is only the first step in a new initiative in 2025 to put them back in their 1986 box.”
Errigal Ciaran fans on their way to Croke Park have been urged to attend Mass as normal until official word comes through.
Despite Further Queen Revelation, “Stupid Looking Hats”, Orange Order Calls For No Queen Bonfire Effigies In 2025
The former Queen of England, the German Elizabeth Windsor, allegedly told a close friend in a letter that as well as the 12th of July being a time for silly marching, she thought their hats were stupid looking and that most of the marchers were ‘overfed’. The Orange Order has responded by calling for no effigies of the Queen on the bonfires next year.
With bonfires already at breaking point with nationalist and republican election posters as well as GAA emblems and the Irish flags, organisers are worried that they may keel over if effigies of the royal family of England are added to the load. Bonfire strategist Billy Bunting explained:
“Listen I understand that we’re annoyed at the Queen at the minute but she might have said these things when in a bad mood. Not all the hats are silly and not all the marchers are overfed. In fact, many of us lose weight marching 10 miles til the field. I urge bonfire construction supervisors to hold back on piling on the royal family. We’ve enough to burn as it is.”
A Freddie Mercury poster was vandalised in Lisburn after the Queen’s comments became public at the weekend in what was a mistaken identity.
Irish rap band Kneecap are said to be excited about appearing in bonfires next year, as well as the rap industry in general.
Tyrone Tribulations 