Category Archives: Edendork
Tyrone Classifieds Volume 2
FOR SALE
Metal set of drawers. Stood the test of time. Sleeps six children. Great for big traditional family. DREGISH
Collection of old people. Retirement home fire-sale. No real bother apart from wiping and scraping. DUNGANNON
Cheap Divorces! End the misery today! OMAGH
Home-made portable toilet. Great for attending GAA or soccer games or going to a march. Serviced recently. GLENELLY
Have you had a heart attack or died? We can help. Cardiac Discussion Group. ARDBOE
Freshly cut Christmas Trees. Can be delivered by December 28th. Local produce. FINTONA
Part-time head-lice puller. Great with children. BROCAGH
Turkey for sale. Only partially eaten. Wasn’t stuffed. STRABANE
Donkey with a red cowboy hat on. Answers to Hetty. Do not look direct in eye. EDENDORK
Man-Flu Epidemic Sweeps Tyrone
Edendork man, today
An exceptionally acute man-flu episode is apparently rifling its way through Tyrone this week, allegedly originating in Ardboe. Today, Strabane men were reportedly suffering from symptoms which suggests the whole county’s male population is now probably affected. Tyrone women, who are immune to the illness, have been exhibiting unusually less-sympathetic-than-normal responses to the epidemic. Con O’Farrell, a poor sufferer from Brackaville, explained the early telltale signs as well as offering advice for fellow male victims.
“Jeepers, it’s deadly boys. I started snifflin on Saturday night and told the woman I couldn’t light the fire cos of it. Although she was suffering from a migrane herself and was 8 months pregnant, she showed no sympathy at all and the slabbers running clean off me like. The other lads around here said their women were the same. No grief atall. The next day I was hurting everywhere and, again, no TLC was offered. I’ll tell you how bad it was. After she made the dinner, I had to lie down for an hour. I usually do the dishes and all and bejaysus I couldn’t do them cos of the slight pain in my body and the snifflin. I thought I was going to die like. The pain and suffering must be worse than childbirth. Be strong lads.”
Other Tyrone men reported ‘not feeling right’, with many too frightened to help out around the house with fear of collapsing of something. Others confirmed that they found women became sarcastic, cold or unsympathetic towards them. Similar responses were reported by women in Derry, Armagh and Fermanagh.
“Ah fer feck sake”, Deirdre Henderson from Fintona told us, “I have high blood pressure, women’s problems, piles and have borne 13 children. I make the breakfast, get the children out to school and that oul bastard is lying on the couch with a duvet on him watching Loose Women, all because he has a snattery nose and a gentle cough. He won’t even lift his fingers to change the remote for himself, whimpering at the children to help him. I urge all Tyrone women. Stand firm against these shower of useless hoors. The next time he says he thinks he’s coming down with something, he will be. My fist.”
Male doctors have urged Tyrone men to stay positive and remain at home as one cough could infect another batch from a neighbouring townland.
Tyrone Classifieds – October
WANTED SECTION:
Two adult tricycles. Good breaks, not too rusty. Must be able to hold 15 stone each. Needed for romantic excursions with wife. Ardboe.
A yellow and green button for my shirt. Shirt has been very successful at Sally’s in Omagh. Tattyreagh.
Surgeon required for new surgery in Coalisland. No experience necessary. Must have own tools.
Someone to do farm work. Must have a hoolahoop. Augher.
The person I hit on the head with a tomato in Beragh in 1958. Feel guilty. Fivemiletown.
Someone to go back in time with. No time-wasters. Must bring your own weapons. Safety cannot be guaranteed. Will get paid when we get back. Only done this once before. Strabane.
Someone who can speak and write Australian. Relatives visiting in three months so want teacher asap. Brocagh.
SELLING SECTION:
Child’s potty chair. 10 years old. Slight staining. Newmills. £20
Used gravestone. Used only once. Must be called Patrick Kelly. Dungannon. £300
Soccer ball. Signed by either Pele, the greatest footballer on earth from Brazil, or some guy called Peter. Writing faint. Moortown. £100
Bagpiper. Will do wedding, funerals and children’s parties. Not the greatest piper but no one can tell. £50 per hour. Plumbridge.
Dinosaur bones. Not 100% sure but look a bit like the way I imagine they would. Found in bog in Greencastle. £50’000
Horse. Half Andalusian. Half Labrador. Very friendly. Likes bones. Drumragh. £600
One pair of hardly used dentures. Only three teeth missing. Galbally. £50
Vosene Shampoo. Only half used. Bargain at £4. Also Mach 3 razor blade. Only used twice. Mint condition. £2. Edendork.
Edendork Family Had a ‘Decent Summer’
A respected Edendork family yesterday claimed to have had a “decent summer altogether at home, boys” amid confusing scenes outside the Dungannon Jobs and Benefits Office in Dungannon. The remarkable admission left fellow ‘Dorks perplexed and doubtful of their honesty following the 22nd horrible holiday season in a row in the townland and surrounding areas.
Summer was tough in Edendork
Mr McAnoy, a retired butcher and avid kite flyer, told his fellow jobseekers that he’d had enough of God and the climate and decided to take on the Irish weather head-to-head.
“We were looking out the window every morning and sure it was lashing down. We’d send the children (six daughters, 2 sons) out into the rain anyway but sure they were miserable just standing there quietly in the field, drenched, crying and too cold to move. After the third bout of pneumonia we decided to take matters into our own hands.”
Jim McAnoy came up with the genius plan to throw the whole lot into the car and drive to where it wasn’t raining, within a twenty mile radius of Edendork. Although the mileage was astronomical over time, McAnoy claims a great time was had by all.
“There were days we’d only have to go as far as Coalisland to beat the rain-clouds for a few minutes. If the wind wasn’t too bad, I’d overtake the clouds no bother. As soon as we’d reach the Lineside, out would come the beach balls, deck chairs, lotion and sandwiches. It was great craic. I admit there were times when we’d just got the stuff out of the boot and it’d be pishing down again which would result in a massive row between myself and herself and long periods of silence in the motor but there were fleeting moments of happiness.”
McAnoy claims the highlights included reaching Cabragh and it not raining for 25 minutes. In that time, they managed to fit in an ice cream, a game of Monopoly and had stripped off to their trunks before the heavens opened.
“I’m proud that the children can go back to the school and write the essay ‘What I did In The Summer’ with confidence and pride now. That is, apart from Tom and Catherine who are still recuperating from the early onset of arthritis. We’ll probably go to Peru next year though”
Tyrone Tribulations 