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Fake Sam Maguire Raises Doubts If All Ireland Was Played At All. Replay On Cards.
News that the Sam Maguire Cup which has toured the pubs and clubs in the county of Armagh was a fake has cast doubts over whether the All-Ireland Final was played at all in the first place.
Croke Park officials have admitted they can’t confirm whether the fake trophy was presented to the Armagh captain on the day and may have to declare the name null and void.
Thousands of Armagh supporters have reacted angrily to the news, with many tearing up photographs after it emerged that the cup was not the real Sam Maguire but a replica made by a man in a garage in Loughmacrory, near Omagh. He pocketed £50 a photo off unsuspecting Orchard fans.
Alarmingly, Croke Park might order the match to be played again to ensure the correct trophy is in place at the start of the match.
An Armagh supporter fumed:
“Them Tyrone ones. They can’t let us have even the slightest happiness. If they ruin this for us they’ll never get one more apple off us, for ten years at least. This is a bollocks.”
Galway are already in training for the rematch.
Irish Government To Raise Taxes After Dublin’s Elimination From Championship
The Irish nation has turned its anger towards Galway and Galwegians, as well as referee Sean Hurson, after it emerged a wave of tax rises is to come into effect next week, to counter the loss of revenue from not having Dublin supporters at the latter stages of the championship, as well as to raise money for training funds to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
In what was described as an apocalyptical nightmare for the Irish Finance Division, the banking system went into meltdown as soon as Galbally’s Sean Hurson blew the final whistle on Saturday evening. Early estimates suggest that Dublin’s exit might cost the tax-payer an extra €6 a day over the next 12 months.
We got some early reactions from those affected:
“Why didn’t that bollocks Hurson not allow another minute? I know why, he’s up north and won’t be affected by the fallout. I was already stung this morning. I got a sausage roll that cost me €3. Last week it was €2.79.” PETER FROM KILDARE
“They should just tax the hell outta the Galway ones; they caused this with their assertive brand of football. The Dublin government will bleed us dry now, to pump more money into the Dublin training fund.” MARY FROM MAYO
The Dublin squad met for a debrief on Sunday morning at a swimming pool in Drumcondra. Locals said they heard a lot of shouting by men in suits and several players as well as manager Dessie Farrell left the pool crying.
GAA Team’s Goodwill Gesture Falls Flat In Eglish
Inspired by the story of a senior panel from Donegal club Naomh Columba who stopped to help a man turn his turf in Galway at the weekend, Ballygawley outfit Errigal Ciaran attempted a similar gesture whilst driving through Eglish on the way back from a game in The Moy yesterday.
Unfortunately, the attempted act of kindness which involved digging up 300 kilos of potatoes the size of grapes and 600 pallets of unripe strawberries, has left Eglish farmer Phonsie Jordan thousands of pounds in the red.
Clubman Johnny Bradley admitted:
“We’ve cocked up, yes. We thought it would be great PR for the club after we saw the Donegal lads do the same with the turf. We’ve a lot of students on the team and they haven’t really seen fields with spuds or strawberries in them so they aren’t to blame. We just ripped everything up and waited for the farmer to get back, with smiles on our faces. When he lifted that gun we fairly moved. In fact, some lads ran more in that thirty seconds than in the game against The Moy, going by the GPS trackers still on them.”
Jordan, who has been producing high quality produce for 50 years, fumed:
“Shower of do-gooders. Some of them spuds were as small as peanuts. How did it not dawn on them? And green strawberries….holy Jaysus.”
The Ballygawley outfit have vowed to make up for the innocent error by offering their services as scarecrows over the summer for the Eglish entrepreneur, starting with the defenders in July.
Pope Warns Garth Brooks ‘No More Concerts In Ireland’
NO MORE CONCERTS!
Following the news that Garth Brooks has sold out for a fifth night in Ireland this summer, the Vatican have sent a stark warning to Brooks’ PR team that they will take a dim view of any more concerts, which threatens to break the Pope’s record of a 3 million audience in 1979.
Brooks will play to almost half a million fans in July and music experts reckons he could sell out 10 times that if he really wanted to, although today’s statement from Pope Francis has put an end to that idea promptly. A Vatican insider, nicknamed Fr Hurson from Edendork Co Tyrone, told us:
“Yes, we take great pride in the 3 million Pope John Paul II pulled in in 1979. If Brooks thinks he can ride in on his stetson and top that then he’s deluded. Just in case he is a Catholic, we will excommunicate him if he has any more concerts. We have friends in high places, Brooks.”
Fr Hurson continued:
“Like, he’s being a bit of a dick about this. JPII pulled in 300’000 in Galway alone. Let’s see Brooks do that on a cold windy day in Tuam. Some chance. That day, tomorrow or not, will never come. Pope Francis is ripping about this.”
Meanwhile, Derrytresk GAA are confident they can secure the presence of Brooks for the opening of their third Guinness pump in the bar during his stay in the country. Club secretary Hughie Hanna is cocksure of his services:
“We emailed him last week and asked would he come to the Hill for the unveiling of the third Guinness pump in the clubrooms. He hasn’t replied but as my ma used to say ‘no news is good news’ so we’re fairly sure he’ll do it. He’ll get sandwiches and mineral and maybe he’ll hum us a tune or two.”
Moy Man Spotted Clapping And Smiling At Armagh Game. Public Punishment Considered.
The man, masked.
Photographic and video footage has finally confirmed rumours that a high profile Moy man, locally named as ‘Mac’, was seen openly smiling and even clapping as Armagh struck eight goals past Leitrim last weekend. The man’s best friend has moved quickly to defend the once-popular clubman by explaining to journalists gathered outside Tomney’s that he was only putting it on to impress a woman from Armagh he’d been chasing for a while. Locals, however, are refusing to accept this theory. Tom Donaghy (67) said:
“Listen, if God himself said he was an Armagh man I still wouldn’t be smiling and clapping when they scored. I’d rather be savaged by a pack of ravenous hounds. I’ve had my suspicions about this fellow for years now. He has a history of straddling the Blackwater. This man needs to be tied to a tree in the middle of the village with a sign hanging around his neck saying “Up Armagh”. Unfortunately he might like that though.”
The man’s family are refusing to comment though an unnamed cousin claimed he’s not surprised:
“Ah he’s an old romantic. One time he was going with a French girl and he started wearing stripy jumpers and berets. It didn’t make him any less a Tyrone man. Smiling at an Armagh goal might be hard for some to swallow but there’s worse things out there. However, if he did clap I cannot defend him. I would disown the fella too. A flogging might be justified here. See if he goes to Galway this weekend….”
The Moy GAA committee have called an extraordinary meeting to decide on how they will deal with the whole debacle. Video footage is being closely studied with lip-readers expected to confirm whether he said “deadly stuff” after the 6th goal. ‘Mac’ is expected to claim an unreasonable hatred of Leitrim in his defence.
Tyrone Tribulations 