Newell Stores Creating 150 Jobs In Coalisland – One Man Not Happy
Despite the general excitement in the greater Coalisland area that the new supertmarket, Newell Stores, is to create a rake of jobs for people on the dole, Pedro ‘The Deballer’ Thornton took to the street this morning to campaign against the latest addition to the Coalisland retail landscape. Thornton, 59, maintains he wanted a job there too but his back was too sore for sweeping or doing shelves. After arranging a meeting with the owners to discuss other options, Thornton left in disgust after being told the only job left was to lick stamps:
“I used to be big news around here. I neutered cats for 25 years for everyone within a 10-mile radius. Even the Yellow Pages had me as ‘Mr Deballer, Coalisland’. I was a celebrity, like, and had no bother with getting the women because of it.”
Pedro had to give up the neutering business after he had the face scratched off him by a continental large cat as he attempted to neuter the beast which was imported during the International Festival. He claims he will not degrade himself by becoming the supermarket stamp licker:
“I had to take a couple of years off after the stress of that big bastard clawing away at my choppers like. My good looks never really returned and I think that’s why I’m not getting jobs anymore. There are worse looking people than me in management positions. Fair enough, the empty eye socket and missing nose might frighten the young’uns but after a while they become less scared. I’m not buckin licking stamps though. Imagine the slagging down in O’Neills I’d be getting about being an ‘oul lick’ or ‘gluey tongue scratch-the-face himself’. I’ll campaign here for a day or two just against the store as long as it’s not too cold.”
Thornton says he’ll not give up on finding employment though and has turned his hand to freak show performances for an illegal Croatian circus in Dungannon, calling himself ‘The Deballing Demon‘ as he attempts to neuter lions.