Derry man, phoning in sick

Businesses and institutions across Tyrone reported high levels of sickness today as well as low levels of production after over 298 workers from Derry failed to show up for work.

In addition, several teachers from Dungiven, Ballinascreen and Swatragh locked themselves in school classrooms and toilets in schools in Omagh and Dungannon, with many other Oak Leaf educators handing out detentions to Tyrone students for soft offences including ‘looking at the teacher’ and ‘smirking’.

Although impossible to prove its legitimacy, business owners believe the unusual levels of absenteeism may be related to a soaking many supporters received at a match in Celtic Park in Derry yesterday where Tyrone edged past Derry in a close affair for the first 15 minutes.

The CEO of engineering company Sowerpreen, Plunky Donaghy from Dungannon, remarked:

“We had 13 phoning in sick today, from Ballinderry, Slaughtneil, Garvagh and Moneymore. All of them said they had the flu after getting a right drenching in Celtic Park yesterday. It was quite a coincidence. The six who did make it in were hard to find today, one of whom locked himself in the crane. I honestly don’t know what is up with them.”

Omagh Principal Mr Harry McClune also added:

“The Derry teachers were in wile bad form today. There must have been heavy traffic or something today over the Sperrins. Mr Barton from Lavey dished out 52 detentions, including two each to every member of the MacRory GAA team. Poor Tommy O’Neill, a brother of Tyrone player Ronan O’Neill, got a detention for smiling out the window. We’ll probably appeal that one.”

The Tyrone Employment Agency have urged Derry ones to return to work tomorrow and if they have problems walking in through the main entrance they can use the back door.

Meanwhile, Club Tyrone are looking into an old GAA rule from 1888 which states that if you defeat a neighbouring county five times in the one year, you get to reclaim 600 acres from the losing county around their natural border. Ballinderry residents are currently ‘expecting the worst’.