Author Archives: Gombeen
TT Alphabetical Review Of 2024 Part 1 (A-C)
A – Armagh. Where else to start but with our lovely apple-chomping, diesel smuggling, centre for ecclesiastical worshipping neighbours Armagh. Their second-coming has paved the way for a decade of Tyrone dominance just as they did in 2002. The similarities are remarkable. Sam in the Orchard has sparked new management in the Bushes, hungry Canavans, and a chance to ignore the traditional guard of honour in the league. Armagh are a bit like Moses for us. Or John the Baptist.
B – Brolly. You can’t keep a good man down. The highlight of the year was when the Dungiven dramatist launched a scathing attack on caravan owners whilst discussing the Mickey Harte to Derry situation. Despite protestations from his long-suffering partner, Dion Dublin, he labelled caravaners’ fools’. Quite why he hates caravans is unclear, though a friend in Knockloughrim told me he was dumped by a girl from Cookstown in the 1980s at a resort in Bundoran which might shed light on his distaste for mobile homes.
C – Cookstown. Cookstown held on to its claim as the longest main street in Ireland for a remarkable 211 consecutive years. Plans to create a bypass through the town have left locals on edge in case they cut the main street up a bit, but as it stands, like Armagh ones, Cookstonians can wake up on New Year’s Day knowing they’re still the best of the bunch.
‘Mary’ Leaves Scathing Review Of Manger In Beragh On Tripadvisor: “Rip-Off Merchants”.
A 33-year-old pregnant woman who traveled over 3000 miles in recent days to search for distant relatives near Omagh over Christmas, has ridiculed a rentable shed/outhouse in Beragh for ‘looking like a pigsty’ and for having ‘a wile smell of shite’ off the manger.
The reviewer, who goes by the username of Mary0000, added that there wasn’t even as little as a crib for a bed and that the cattle were making a weird sound all night, like ‘lowwwwwww’.
She added, on Tripadvisor:
“If that wasn’t bad enough, three headcases from Omagh kept knocking on the door trying to give me presents. They were off their heads on ether or some other stuff they called frankenstein or something but it was definitely illegal. And the dick of an owner charged me £300 for the night even though it was only £120 last night. I won’t be back. No stars from me.”
The manager of the Beragh Manger Facilities, Ally Rogers, defended his premises and hit back on the website by accusing Mary0000 of showing up at all hours of the night and moaning about all the other places being closed.
“She’s just a whinger” added Rogers. “I think the parter, Joe, was a bit embarrassed”.
Plumbers Gear Up For Bigger Sized Brussels Sprouts Carnage. May Charge Time And A Half.
With news emerging that Brussels Sprouts are 25% bigger this season, plumbers across the country are bracing themselves for multiple call-outs around Christmas, with the 26th of December expecting to witness record-breaking toilet-related breakdowns.
The Tyrone Plumbers Union (TPU) has urged its members to charge time and a half for call-outs around the festive period due to the unsavory jobs they’ll need to fulfill because of the size of the Brussels Sprouts.
TPU director, Terry Hanna, explained:
“Farmers have told us that this season’s sprouts are enormous. In some cases, only two sprouts can be physically eaten at the one time and I’ve a bad feeling they’re going to play havoc with the digestive system. Toilets these days are getting smaller when they should be getting bigger. I can only see catastrophe after catastrophe ahead. We’ll make a bomb though. £160 a call-out at least.”
Doctors have urged families to ration the large sprouts as they fear increased bowel-related incidents on Christmas Day. In 1988, a man from Killyclogher managed to block all three toilets in his house before 3pm on Christmas Day.
Strabane Open Ireland’s First Drive-Thru Botox Shop
Despite only being able to do one side of the face per visit, Strabane’s drive-thru botox shop, Fill Her Up, said it had a successful first day today. Over 60 cars accessed the drive-thru, spending an average of 6 minutes at a time.
Fill Her Up general manager, Juliana Graham, has reminded locals that they may see many people with one side of their face botoxed this week around Strabane, and that it’s only a temporary measure until next week or whenever they can afford the other side done.
“I’ve also urged today’s customers to drive through the drive-thru the opposite way next time so that we don’t botox the same side of their face. That can be dangerous and lead to irreversible one-side stretching.”
Strabane’s other botox shop, Convenient Injectables, said it has no plans to introduce a drive-thru as most of its operations take two hours. They expressed concerns over 6-minute botoxing.
Two Pints, Two Packets of Bacon Fries and One Whiskey Chaser Costs Punter £73 In Coalisland Public House
A Coalisland percussionist has admitted to applying to the Credit Union this morning, after a round last night cost £73 for just himself and his da last night. The order of a pint of Guinness, a pint of Stella, two packets of Smith’s Bacon Fries, and a Bushmills chaser left Harry Gillis in tears, although he still managed to finish the drink, and ordered another round.
The hostelry landlord, Mickey Quinn, could not give a breakdown of how the order came to £73 but was adamant that it sounded about right, as a pint is around £20 or so, he thinks.
Gillis fumed:
“I was warned ok that all pubs are dear holes these days but I wasn’t expecting that. I think he charged about £15 for the Bacon Fries and I counted them. There were only 9 of them in the packet and the oul fella took five. And the whisky was for him too. I went to the toilet when I brought the stuff to the table, and cried for about six minutes.”
Despite the astromonical cost, Gillis got another round in before heading to Landi’s for a cowboy supper and a tin of Lilt.
Brocagh Scrooge ‘Even Worse’ After Visits From Ghosts
A miser from the Ballybay Rd in Brocagh has committed to being even more of a hateful member of society, despite being visited by three ghosts over the weekend.
Jimmy ‘The Stinge’ Robinson, who once sued a child for kicking a ball into his tulips, was adamant that the visits from the three ghosts have confirmed he’s been right all along:
“The first two ghosts toul me nothing I already knew. The boy from the future showed me my funeral. No one turned up apart from the bin man and the neighbour’s wife who I’d a fling with outside the Glenavon in ’88. So I thought, the rest of them can go to hell. If they’re not going to my funeral anyway, I’m going to make their lives a misery from now on. Pure shower, the lot of them.”
Robinson ended the interview by running towards a group of children playing football and booting the ball into the Lough and giving them the middle finger as he ran off.
Young Trillick Lad Who Claims His Snowman Came To Life Is Told To Catch Himself On
Eight-year-old James Gallagher from the Galbally Road in Trillick has been told to give his head a wobble after he claimed his snowman he built came to life overnight and flew him to Iceland, as well as going for a spin with him on a scrambler through the forest near Ballinamallard.
Gallagher, who built the snowman last night after a freak snow shower in the area during Storm Darragh, maintains that the snowman melted overnight and all that was left was a carrot which he now cherishes.
Local businessman Lorcan Donnelly retorted:
“That lad would need to catch himself on. He says they flew to Iceland and all and played about with other snowmen. Sure there is only one flight to Iceland from here and it’s on a Tuesday. He’s a wee liar. The skitter also said they raked about on a scrambler up at the forest there and that the snowman started to melt as the motor was too warm. I’ve been on that scrambler and it never heats up. He’s a wee dickhead.”
Gallagher has yet to let the carrot go and is planning to have it embalmed.
Ardboe Parents Mistakenly Leave Son Home Alone Whilst Shopping In Donegal. Son Fights Off GAA Ticket Sellers.
Johnny and Maire McAlister have vowed never to leave their son, Pat, behind again after they forgot to take him Christmas shopping in Bundoran yesterday. It has since emerged that Pat (8) managed to turn away over 20 GAA clubs selling tickets through ingenious methods including giving them the middle finger through the curtain as they approached.
Despite being the only child, Johnny and Marie admitted they were caught up in the excitement of heading to Donegal and forgot to take Pat. It was only when they hit Lifford that they realised they’d left Pat behind, but went on shopping anyway as they’d gone that far.
“Aye it was a bit of a handling. We thought about turning back but we’d already booked a dinner in Ballybofey so there was no point in heading back. Looking back, we probably shouldn’t have stayed overnight. But fair play to Pat. He turned away ticket sellers from Ballinderry, Swatragh, Ballinascreen, Derrytresk and Killyman. He became a man overnight. But it was a stupid mistake, like.”
Pat McAllister claimed that although he’d fallen out with his mother the previous night over an argument about eels, he didn’t really like being left alone for 24 hours but enjoyed giving the Swatragh ones the fingers and telling them to shove their tickets.
The BBC are keen to make a documentary on the ordeal, called ‘Away Together’.
Clonoe O’Rahilly’s Launch Audacious Bid To Host Euro 2028 Games With New Stand
The DUP has reacted furiously to the possibility that a match between Germany and France may be played in the heartland of East Tyrone at a ground commemorating Michael Joseph O’Rahilly. It is also believed that Casement Park officials are also irked at the development.
Clonoe GAC, who this week launched plans for a new 600-seater stadium, claim that the new building, coupled with loads of benches from local schools as well as a pile of ladders reaching to the roof of the clubrooms, could see the ground host games such as Latvia v Moldova or Wales v Montenegro.
Club spokesman Henry ‘the milkman’ McCann explained:
“‘Think big’ McCabe told us. So we’ve an entourage of Mansells, Corrs, Devlins, Taggarts and Campbells heading to Switzerland on Friday to pitch a bid for the Euros. We’ve also contacted the the agents of Britney Spears, Barry Manilow and Gary Barlow to see if they’d be interested in doing a concert here. Next year we will make Elon Musk an offer to launch a rocket on Lough Neagh that can be watched from the new stand.”
The DUP are said to be furious at the possibility that O’Rahilly will be celebrated across the planet.
“We’d rather Casement. At least he was called Roger”
claimed a farmer from Magherafelt.
A Casement Social Club drinker said their eyes were being wiped by Clonoe.
Cookstown Annex Tullyhogue “in the interests of the region”
In a bold move, Cookstown has obliterated Tullyhogue, which it states is for the safety of the citizens of Tullyhogue (despite burning down the medical centre) and the stability of the wider region. They deny genocide.
Whilst universally slated, no one has done anything about it, while Cookstown sets its sights towards annihilating Newmillls, who they accuse of directing Halloween fireworks in their direction. The Tyrone County Board has been asked to intervene to help the Tullyhoguians but said that although Cookstown’s actions were reprehensible, it was nothing to do with them, but were since photographed shaking hands with Cookstown businessman Jacob McGurk who “makes great diggers”.
With many local counsellors up in arms, an emergency motion was raised to reinstate normal borders, but Mid Ulster Council vetoed the move, citing historical complications dating back to the 1940s. The council have also warned BBC officials that their reporting on the events will be ‘monitored closely’.
Cookstown, whom some have criticised for reacting a bit disproportionately to a window being smashed at an Orange Hall in their Main Street by burning down every GAA club south of the town within a 20-mile radius, stands firm in its actions saying it’s a matter of good versus righteous. They also claim to be open to a ceasefire, just after they’ve chased all natives from the area in the next few weeks.
When TT reached out for comment by locally elected officials, most ministers at Stormont were unavailable for comment, but we are informed they were dancing at the Glenavon and eating Cookstown Sausages, as that brought in jobs.
Derry County Board Interviewed FIVE Tyrone Celebrities Including Begley, Taylor and Cush
The recent round of interviews for the Derry manager’s job was described as being the ‘stiffest yet’ as Tyrone legends Dennis Taylor, Philomena Begley, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, and Jimmy Cricket finished behind Paddy Tally in the race to become the boss of the county’s footballers.
Tally, who hails from Galbally which has a Chinese takeaway and a convenience store, had to withstand stiff competition from Malachi Cush after the Donaghmore man told the Derry interview team that he’d also sing the national anthem if given the job, saving them money. It is reported that Begley and Duncan also offered to sing the anthem but lacked knowledge about the new rules the GAA is bringing in.
An insider informed us:
“Dennis Taylor impressed me with his jovial wit and he did the whole finger wagging thing, and that would be good for discipline. Jimmy Cricket wasn’t really all that interested but he was told to go anyway as he was from Cookstown and that’s only down the road. But we’re happy we’ve got the best Tyrone person we could get. What can go wrong?”
Adrian Logan, Darren Clarke and Kevin McAleer are said to be furious they were overlooked.
Tally is yet to name his backroom team but early signs suggest Omagh’s Sam Neill, Gortin’s Janet Devlin and Tom McDermott from Greencastle are in the running.
Trump Vows To Make Coalisland Fianna GAC Great Again, If They Dig For Coal
Donald Trump, who will be sworn in as 47th President of the United States of America, has revealed plans to make Coalisland Fianna ‘the best Gaelic football team on the planet’ by 2026, as long as they start digging for coal again and ship 90% of it to the States.
The re-opening of the coalmines, closed for over 50 years, will be overseen by a relation of Trump from Newmills, Harry Trump, a children’s clown artist.
President-elect Trump added:
“I’ve loved Coalisland all my life, really loved Coalisland. My mother used to tell me of the great people of Coalisland, all the great people. Handsome people. Some of the most handsome people I’ve ever seen. And the coal. The beautiful coal. There is no coal more beautiful than the coal in Coalisland. It’s a thing of beauty. And the football team. They’re beautiful too. They’ll be World Champions in two years. Mark my words, in 2 years they will be World Champions of America. I’ll see to it personally. I want the coal first, though.”
Trump has asked that 90% of coal extracted from the new Coalisland pits be shipped to New York in return for his personal Irish company as club sponsors on the jerseys, “Frackin Hell.” He has also bought a year’s entry to the GAA club’s Lottery.
Landi’s have acted immediately and are offering massive cheeseburgers.
Brackaville Ghost Now Identifies As A Ghoul, Says Local Medium
A ghost from the Mullaghmoyle Road in Brackaville has asked the public to respect her new identity as a ghoul and to stop referring to her as a ghost, according to local medium, Petsey Keeneedy.
Ghouls, which are perceived to be more disgusting than ghosts and are prone to eating dead carcasses, are said to be on the wane in recent times due to new environmental laws on disposing of dead animals and the rise in cremations.
The Brackaville Ghost has strongly requested to be called the Brackaville Ghoul from here on in, and has warned that she isn’t afraid of going down the legal route. Keeneedy explained:
“I usually check in with her once a month but I noticed she was a bit annoyed this time. She didn’t want to do any small talk on general ghosting matters but instead read out a prepared statement. In it she said she now identifies as a ghoul and wants to be called it from now on. She was quite angry about a recent conversation online that called her a ghost and threatened all types of disgusting stuff, like digging up cats and eating them, as well as contacting a solicitor.”
The Brackaville Ghoul is said to be over 500 years old and is related to the Coyle families in the area, although her father was reported to be from Monaghan.
New Proposed Cookstown Bypass ‘A Bit Winding’ Admits Authorities
Road authorities have admitted they might have to stick a petrol station and cafe on the newly proposed Cookstown Bypass after realising they’ve added 16 miles onto the journey due to farmer disputes, rivers, soggy ground, potholes, and fairy trees.
Plans for the new bypass have also raised concerns about driver dizziness, with over 19 sharp turns over the 16-mile new road. Authorities have also admitted there is no money to fix new potential potholes in the area until 2028.
An irate Magherafelt man, who goes home through the town every day, fumed:
“What kind of a bollocks made that map? I’d rather sit in a 2-mile tailback for an hour than throw-up on the new 16-mile bypass full of potholes. I’ve seen smoother rollercoasters. It’ll be a graveyard for axles. And you can be rest assured the cops will be out making a fortune on tyre damage. Some of them potholes are meant to be going to be as big as small paddling pools.”
Work on the new bypass will begin in the new year when the digger man gets over Christmas. Tenders will also be put out for eateries on the new bypass to give drivers a break.
Edendork Snowball Found After Demolition Of Building
The Edendork Snowball, one of the most elusive prizes in Europe, and which hadn’t been won since 1972, was found in box under a set of stairs during the demolition of the Edendork Hall this week.
The Snowball, awarded if a Full House was called at the bingo before the 40th number, was last won by Felix Cassidy from Dirnagh, earning him £2000, which would be around half a million in today’s money.
It is said that when the Berlin Wall was knocked down, the first thing the East Germans wanted to know was if the Edendork Snowball had been won yet. Neil Armstrong was also alleged to have asked the same question when he got out of quarantine in 1969.
The man who found the Snowball, Edendork club man Malachy Nelis, maintains it’s only right he is paid for the find:
“By my reckoning, the Snowball would be worth around a million now. It’s only fair that I get the money as I found the thing. I’m also an Edendork man so that is in keeping with our policy that we win things in-house around these places. Pay up, St Malachy’s!”
The Edendork Snowball is to be placed in a museum in Geneva.
Police Plead To Thousands Camping On Washingbay Rd Ahead of Clonoe Coalisland Play-Off
International press have descended on East Tyrone ahead of the crucial Clonoe/Coalisland play-off this Saturday, with police pleading to non-ticket holders that batons will be used if they attempt to gain access to the Clonoe ground before the relegation decider.
An estimated 20’000 supporters are expected to try to gain access to the 1000-capacity ground, with many homes in the area offering B&B facilities for astronomical prices, despite only putting on sausage sandwiches and milk. Already, 3000 hopefuls have set up camp in hedges along the Washingbay Road, with helicopters shouting warnings and spraying them with water and rocks to disperse the numbers.
New York Times journalist Bruce Taggart, who has ancestors in the area, explained:
“We’ve travelled 1000s of miles for this game. It’s all the talk in the States. Most Fianna supporters are from New York itself, with many Clonoe fans emerging from the hillbilly states. I’m worried about getting in to see it now although Tessies are doing a chipped firestick screening.”
The police were called to Coalisland earlier today after two seemingly friendly rivals engaged in a fistfight regarding the outcome of the weekend’s game. Ronnie McSheery and Olly McNeill, two local celebrities, had to be separated after McSheery alleged that Clonoe only bate Coalisland in 1991 because they poached Derrytresk’s best player.
First Country & Western GCSE ‘Going Well’ in Dungannon Tech
Ireland’s first Country and Western GCSE qualification has got off to a good start says officials at the prestigious Dungannon Tech in South Tyrone, with all 14 students passing their first assessment with flying colours.
The first module, which covers topics such as analysing and devising lyrics to do with losing your girlfriend/boyfriend to a rival, and how to dress country style, was assessed last week with all but one student receiving 100% in their tests. The remaining student only received 88% after they mistakenly wrote down that black shoes go well with jeans.
Teacher Malachi Cushling added:
“The students already had a sound knowledge of Hugo, Philomena, and the American greats like Tammy Wynette and Willie Nelson. We even had a country disco last week to celebrate the results, although that had to be cut short after one of the students got his pointy shoe caught in a grill in the middle of the floor. They were all bleary-eyed on Monday morning, having watched the Late Late Show Country Special flat out all day Sunday.”
Next month’s modules include ‘Cowboy electricians are not musicians‘ and ‘Hank Williams is no Nathan Carter‘.
Cookstown Trumpet Player Invents Way To Breathe Through Anus.
A 59-year-old veteran trumpeter has found a method to breathe through his anus while playing the trumpet, allowing him to hold a note for a staggering 16 minutes.
Henry McCann, whose discovery will make it easier for all wind instrumentalists to play without taking a breath, claims he discovered the method while playing at his kitchen sink, bent over with legs apart, whilst looking out the window at the neighbour cutting her hedge.
“I couldn’t believe it as first and thought I’d ripped my trousers. It turned out that the way I was standing allowed me to suck air up my backside. It has revolutionised my playing and it has also helped my sinus issues. You just need to stick your backside out like a baboon and suck in.”
Scientists are looking into the claim and are excited about what this will mean for other developments including communicating through the backside.
McCann will perform his first 4-hour concert this weekend around the back of the Glenavon.
Fake Sam Maguire Raises Doubts If All Ireland Was Played At All. Replay On Cards.
News that the Sam Maguire Cup which has toured the pubs and clubs in the county of Armagh was a fake has cast doubts over whether the All-Ireland Final was played at all in the first place.
Croke Park officials have admitted they can’t confirm whether the fake trophy was presented to the Armagh captain on the day and may have to declare the name null and void.
Thousands of Armagh supporters have reacted angrily to the news, with many tearing up photographs after it emerged that the cup was not the real Sam Maguire but a replica made by a man in a garage in Loughmacrory, near Omagh. He pocketed £50 a photo off unsuspecting Orchard fans.
Alarmingly, Croke Park might order the match to be played again to ensure the correct trophy is in place at the start of the match.
An Armagh supporter fumed:
“Them Tyrone ones. They can’t let us have even the slightest happiness. If they ruin this for us they’ll never get one more apple off us, for ten years at least. This is a bollocks.”
Galway are already in training for the rematch.
Anger As Thousands Mistakenly Book Tickets For Oasis Nightclub In Strabane
Oasis Nightclub in Strabane has been accused of purposely misleading the public after advertising their nighttime dancing club on Ticketmaster at the same time as tickets went on sale for the band of the same name.
The advert, which offered tickets for £50 with promises of ‘a great light show, smoke machine, and fantastic music’, sold over 2700 units for the night of Sunday 17th August next year. Oasis nightclub, which usually pulls in around 200 people on a good night, claims they have done nothing wrong:
“It was just a pure coincidence. We genuinely didn’t know it was the same time as the band Oasis was playing in Croke Park as we’re more into country music here. If it’s any consolation, we’ll play one or two Oasis songs and we will use extra smoke from the machine for the slow set.”
Meanwhile, Liam Gallagher is rumoured to visit the county around the time of the concerts to catch a glimpse of the electric tractor in Kildress. One of their most famous songs commemorates the time he saw the tractor for the first time at a tractor convention in Liverpool. Kildress native, Gerry Loughran, when quizzed by Gallagher as to why it was so quiet, told the Mancunian, ‘She’s Electric’.
Tyrone Tribulations 