Category Archives: Coalisland
Tyrone Man Without Tattoos Cannot Get Job In Hospitality
A Tyrone man with 15 years of experience as a barman, waiter, and back-of-house work in Ireland, London, and New York, claims he cannot get a job because he does not have any tattoos.
Liam McMahon, who has also enjoyed stints as a travel writer, told the BBC that the perception of food these days has changed that much that unless waiters are “covered in stupid tattoos” they will not be suitable for the hospitality industry.
Mr McMahon told us:
“I turned up alongside three other people for a job at the Cappuchino Room in Coalisland yesterday, and I was literally the only one of us who had actually worked as a waiter. One lad was straight out of prison, complete with teardrop tattoos under his eyes, swallows where his thumb met his index finger and spiderwebs on his elbows. Needless to say I didn’t get the job”
Mr McMahon, a native of Beragh, told us that this inability to get work in the field in which he is experienced has led to serious strain on his relationship. His fiancée said to him that he should draw tattoos on with a biro until he gets hired somewhere, and then wash them off afterwards. As a principled man, he has refused to do so.
“It’s a sad day when Conor McGregor, or that lad from that x-files episode at the carnival, is better placed to get work taking orders and serving food that a man with several years experience at some of the world’s best known restaurants just because of what is currently in vogue. I mean where will it end?”
We have approached the Equality Commission for comment.
Clonoe O’Rahilly’s To Raise Funds For Ulster Championship With Coalisland Fianna Tribute CD
To raise much-needed funds for their assault on the Ulster Intermediate Championship, Clonoe O’Rahilly’s have released a CD packed full of lovely songs about their neighbours, Coalisland Fianna, and will go on sale outside all good chapels tomorrow morning.
Included are some well-known ballads such as Dirty Old Town, We’re Not Brackaville We’re Coalisland, and the newly penned Shame, Na Fianna Foiled.
CDs retail at £15.99
Croke Park To Weigh Fans Before Admittance To Big Games
Croke Park has purchased over 400 scales in a bid to curb heavier supporters taking up too much room at All-Ireland semi-finals and finals. They have also asked Ticketmaster to add a tab to their app, which will make buyers declare their weight before purchasing a ticket, in stones and pounds.
Early trials suggest that people with a BMI of over 30 will be charged £10 more than the asking price and will be told to stand in Hill 16.
This morning, we travelled around the county and asked for views on the subject:
“That’s me on the diet now. I’ve a good feeling we’ll do well next year and I don’t have the legs for standing on Hill 16” RONAN MCSHELVY (COALISLAND)
“It’s a disgrace. Sure half them people that run the GAA are a quare size themselves.” PETER MORAN (TRILLICK)
“I’m furious. Not at Croke Park. The people. Fat bastards are ruining everything for everyone.” TOM DAVIDSON (BROCAGH)
“I’m a big girl myself and don’t mind standing on the Hill.” ELIZE MADONNA KELLEGHER (CASTLEDERG)
Meanwhile, Croke Park has also announced it will be limiting burger quotas to just one burger per family until the above issue has settled.
Great Excitement In Brackaville As Time Capsule Opened From 2020
Hundreds of Brackaville people, and even some from Coalisland, gathered excitedly for the dramatic opening of a time capsule which had been sealed since 2020, nearly five years ago. Locals maintain that they have gained great insight into how people in the area lived their daily lives back then and are willing to share their findings with scientists in Belfast.
After opening the chest, there were loud ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaaahs’ as items were pulled out one-by-one and shown to the excited spectators. Included were face-masks, hand sanitisers, toilet rolls and a copy of the Tyrone Times from June 2020. There was also a 6-pack of McCoys crisps and a £20 ticket for a Stewartstown GAA draw.
Brackaville historian, Kelly Gillis, explained:
“What we learned was that the people of the time were fairly primative. They seemed to be avoiding some kind of illness, hence the face-masks or some have suggested if there was perhaps a religious aspect to it and that the clergy had made people wear them to stop kissing and stuff. The hand sanitisers must have been used because they were a very dirty people, maybe digging for spuds barehanded. Toilet rolls were probably new to Brackaville people in 2020. It’s really quite exciting.”
One item caused much consternation, an official MOT certificate, but it was agreed that it was probably mistakenly dropped in by someone from Newmills.
Coalisland Man To Sue Chemist After Very Strong Viagra Tablet Mistaken As Paracetamol
According to sources close to the pair, a Coalisland kiln-maker, Marty Guinness (61), and his partner have initiated proceedings against a chemist in Dungannon after his paracetamol purchase left him in a permanently heightened state, three days after it was consumed.
Guinness, who ordered the supposed batch of paracetamols after getting his finger caught in a gate, noticed something was wrong when his partner was giving off about the mess he’d left the small living room in, and he didn’t really mind.
“In fact I found her quite attractive,” added Guinness. “She was calling me all the bad names of the day but I just found her deadly alluring. It was then I realised it wasn’t a paracetamol I had ate, but one of them Viagras, and a strong one at that. I keep taking cold showers but to no avail. It’s very awkward in the pub, especially when you’re talking to an oul fella or a relative. I’ve had some quare looks.”
Guinness’s partner, Mary Rice, revealed that although the constant attention was flattering to start with, she is now tired of the seductive looks and has taken to hitting him with a wooden spoon.
Doctors believe the symptoms will subside soon.
Two Pints, Two Packets of Bacon Fries and One Whiskey Chaser Costs Punter £73 In Coalisland Public House
A Coalisland percussionist has admitted to applying to the Credit Union this morning, after a round last night cost £73 for just himself and his da last night. The order of a pint of Guinness, a pint of Stella, two packets of Smith’s Bacon Fries, and a Bushmills chaser left Harry Gillis in tears, although he still managed to finish the drink, and ordered another round.
The hostelry landlord, Mickey Quinn, could not give a breakdown of how the order came to £73 but was adamant that it sounded about right, as a pint is around £20 or so, he thinks.
Gillis fumed:
“I was warned ok that all pubs are dear holes these days but I wasn’t expecting that. I think he charged about £15 for the Bacon Fries and I counted them. There were only 9 of them in the packet and the oul fella took five. And the whisky was for him too. I went to the toilet when I brought the stuff to the table, and cried for about six minutes.”
Despite the astromonical cost, Gillis got another round in before heading to Landi’s for a cowboy supper and a tin of Lilt.
Trump Vows To Make Coalisland Fianna GAC Great Again, If They Dig For Coal
Donald Trump, who will be sworn in as 47th President of the United States of America, has revealed plans to make Coalisland Fianna ‘the best Gaelic football team on the planet’ by 2026, as long as they start digging for coal again and ship 90% of it to the States.
The re-opening of the coalmines, closed for over 50 years, will be overseen by a relation of Trump from Newmills, Harry Trump, a children’s clown artist.
President-elect Trump added:
“I’ve loved Coalisland all my life, really loved Coalisland. My mother used to tell me of the great people of Coalisland, all the great people. Handsome people. Some of the most handsome people I’ve ever seen. And the coal. The beautiful coal. There is no coal more beautiful than the coal in Coalisland. It’s a thing of beauty. And the football team. They’re beautiful too. They’ll be World Champions in two years. Mark my words, in 2 years they will be World Champions of America. I’ll see to it personally. I want the coal first, though.”
Trump has asked that 90% of coal extracted from the new Coalisland pits be shipped to New York in return for his personal Irish company as club sponsors on the jerseys, “Frackin Hell.” He has also bought a year’s entry to the GAA club’s Lottery.
Landi’s have acted immediately and are offering massive cheeseburgers.
Police Plead To Thousands Camping On Washingbay Rd Ahead of Clonoe Coalisland Play-Off
International press have descended on East Tyrone ahead of the crucial Clonoe/Coalisland play-off this Saturday, with police pleading to non-ticket holders that batons will be used if they attempt to gain access to the Clonoe ground before the relegation decider.
An estimated 20’000 supporters are expected to try to gain access to the 1000-capacity ground, with many homes in the area offering B&B facilities for astronomical prices, despite only putting on sausage sandwiches and milk. Already, 3000 hopefuls have set up camp in hedges along the Washingbay Road, with helicopters shouting warnings and spraying them with water and rocks to disperse the numbers.
New York Times journalist Bruce Taggart, who has ancestors in the area, explained:
“We’ve travelled 1000s of miles for this game. It’s all the talk in the States. Most Fianna supporters are from New York itself, with many Clonoe fans emerging from the hillbilly states. I’m worried about getting in to see it now although Tessies are doing a chipped firestick screening.”
The police were called to Coalisland earlier today after two seemingly friendly rivals engaged in a fistfight regarding the outcome of the weekend’s game. Ronnie McSheery and Olly McNeill, two local celebrities, had to be separated after McSheery alleged that Clonoe only bate Coalisland in 1991 because they poached Derrytresk’s best player.
Disappointing Turnout By Graveyard Residents At Local Westminster Elections
Parties across the spectrum here have expressed disappointment at the lack of votes by the dead this year in today’s election, citing apathy and lack of effort on the part of the deceased.
The departed, who at one time accounted for up to 40% of votes in the six counties, retaliated by claiming very little has been done in recent years ‘to jazz up the graves’ and tackle underage drinking and littering around the place.
Sinn Fein activist Geroid McClenaghan fumed:
“There was a time when our dearly departed made the effort on voting day and that was the difference betwen being elected or being left on the scrapheap. Now, they are not just resting in peace, they’re being god damn lazy. The don’t make the dead the way they used to. I blame modern society.”
Roddy McGrin, who died in 1956, hit back:
“Themuns up in Stormont sitting on their holes doing nothing for us here in the cemetery. It’s like being in hell here. Younguns full on Buckfast dancing to music with no words til all hours at night and no cops about. Why should we bother our backsides backing them wasters? I’d rather be six-foot under than vote for that shower. Oh, wait….”
Meanwhile, voting in Coalisland was suspended from 5-6pm after Landi’s announced a Happy Hour with a sausage supper and Lilt costing just £3.99.
American Woman Disappointed Coalisland Isn’t An Island. Calls For Town To Be Renamed.
A 45-year old woman from Arizona has called for Coalisland to be renamed after she flew 5000 miles to visit the town ‘which sounded magical on the map, like an island full of coal’, after seeing an image of it from 100 years ago on Google.
Mandy Power, who planned on swimming from Dungannon to Coalisland instead of getting a boat, picked the town out on a map during a moment of madness after drinking two bottles of Jack Daniels on a Sunday night and jumped on a plane the following morning.
She added:
“When I arrived at the roundabout in Dungannon, I looked for the boats or pier and couldn’t see any. I asked a local man how to get to this Coalisland. He said to take the Coalisland Road past the ‘Dork field and then keep going on the Dungannon Road but not to take a wrong turn at the Bush. He said when you see Landi’s you’ll be there in the centre. I asked about the boat and he just threw his eyes up and told me to catch myself on.”
Power stayed a couple of days in Coalisland anyway despite the disappointment and visited Newell Stores nearly every day, bringing home gifts for her family such as sausage rolls and apple tarts. She has called for the town to be renamed.
Marchers Declare Marching War On Braverman, As Cavan People Tell Her To Leave Them Out Of It
Marchers from both sides of the community, as well as Pride marchers, trade union marchers, Coalisland Silver Band, and anti-pollution marchers, have declared a marching war on British Home Secretary Suella Braverman after she said people here hate marching. The people of Cavan, Donegal and Monaghan have also warned Braverman to leave them out of it ‘with all this Ulster talk’.
Braverman, who also once said Lough Neagh should be tarmacked over and used as a big jail for people she doesn’t like, didn’t specify which set of marchers she was referring to which has led to a united front from paranoid marchers up and down the country. Errigal Ciaran and Dromore footballers have also joined forces with Irish Marchers United (IMU) after marching behind the band at the county final last month.
In a combined statement, the IMU stated:
“This is ridiculous. We just love marching. Most of our thousands of members march down the stairs every morning to get porridge or whatever breakfast you like personally. Braverman has started a war she will regret. We don’t hate marching at all, and she’ll know all about it when we march around her house for a full week in big boots.”
Additionally, in a statement signed by the people of Donegal, Monaghan and Cavan, British politicians have been told to stop linking them with things that happen in the six counties, ‘or else’. They have also threatened to remove themselves from the province of Ulster to form their own province if this continues. Early names for the new province include ‘Huckster’ and ‘Mainliners’.
Brackaville Man Identifies As A Dog. Allowed To Urinate In Public.
An ex-Brackaville plasterer has been granted permission to identify as a dog, named Duke, and has demanded that his local pub allows him to urinate in public as well as groom himself in full daylight if he wants to.
Duke McNally, who is now 7 instead of 49, made his first appearance today as a dog, walking the whole way to Coalisland sniffing and barking at passers-by. Duke has also requested that his local Spar stock up on juicy bones and squeaky toys.
When asked how his first day went, Duke replied, whilst walking around in circles:
“I usually bark these days but for this interview I’ll use a few words. Yes, it has been good apart from some slabber from Newmills who kept throwing a stick into the middle of the road and it nearly killed me trying to fetch it. But apart from that, people have been good and even the lad whose shoes I pissed on just laughed and said ‘silly Duke’ and rubbed my head. Woof.”
Duke McNally will go back to the plastering tomorrow but will be allowed to take long naps and growl at people he doesn’t like.
Tyrone Wordle Players Told To Stop Using SHITE As First Word
A linguist academic has urged Tyrone Wordle players to stop thinking SHITE will be used as a first word after it emerged that no one in the county has achieved a Wordle in one since its inception.
A recent survey in Cookstown Main Street of 300 Wordle players confirmed that 90% used SHITE as the first word, followed by balls, clift, eejit, bucko and gutty.
Dr Phillip Taylor, a distant relative to Dennis Taylor, has asked players to try some normal words like NOTES or BEATS.
“All I hear in the county is ‘oh it’s definitely going to be SHITE tomorrow’. No!! It’s not. It’s time for the people of Tyrone to get that idea out of their heads. It’s not going to happen. As it stands, we’re bottom of the table in Ireland. Even Derry ones have got it in one and many of them only took up English in secondary school.”
Dennis Taylor confirmed he also uses BALLS, followed by GREEN, BROWN, BLACK, DAVIS and then SHITE.
Church Might Start Charging For Confessions, Choirs, Communion, And Kneeling
Due to recent energy prices and maintenance costs, multi-denominational religions have issued a joint statement warning worshippers that they might have to start charging for the whole religious experience, from June 1st.
A leaked missive in the county has revealed a series of ideas to make money in the Catholic Church. These include:
- Charging £50 for a half-hour confession with total absolution thrown in
- £20 for a standard confession with partial absolution
- £1 per kneel during a Mass (50p if kneeling on one leg)
- £5 per communion bread or £100 for an annual subscription
- £200 from the total congregation for a shorter mass
- £2.99 for choir music
Loughmacrory Mass-goer Mary McLaughlin fumed:
“Some shower. I don’t have enough money to buy my children the latest iPads and they’re looking kneeling money. I’m a great kneeler and one Mass will cost me over £200 and that’s before the money for the communion. I hate the choir so I don’t mind that. I won’t be back and might try out the Protestantism.”
Fr Peter McCyrssler defended the proposed charges:
“Do people not realise the costs these days? I fork out £30 a week to keep my Aston Martin DBX SUV on the road and I’ve been eating just four meals a day in the past year. Parishioners would need to wind their necks in.”
A parish outside Coalisland has arranged a riot over the charges this weekend. The riot will start at 7pm and rioters have been asked to bring their own lunch.
Thousands Expected At Outside Screening Of Coronation In Coalisland
Organisers of the Coalisland big screening of Charles Windsor’s coronation as King of England have warned people to get there early to avoid the disappointment of being turned away and having to watch at home or even worse not at all.
The celebration, which will see local bands such as the Newmills Republican Flute Band and the Moygashel Pearses Accordion Band entertain the crowds before the kick-off, has been hailed as a hands-across-the-divide event, with local chip chop Landi’s putting on Union Jack sausages, and pies in the shape of the late Queen of England.
Spokesperson for the event Caoimhin O’Neill warned:
“We’re expecting the guts of 4000 people down the Lineside from as far away as Brackaville and Clonoe. It’s going to be mental. A great day for the parish.”
Party-goers have been asked to bring their own binoculars if they have to stand at the top of Platers Hill.
Meanwhile, anyone attending the event called Charlie or Charles will get a free 3-year pass to the cinema in the town which is showing Rocky 4 next week.
Anger As Gortin Man Leaves Bad Review of Coalisland Canal On TripAdvisor
There have been calls for retaliation after a Gortin man went on TripAdvisor last week and left a scathing review of the Coalisland Canal and general area, giving it no stars out of 5.
The reviewer, known as TheGortinRambler, visited the canal after a recent radio show mentioned it in a quiz competition. The 4.5-mile-long canal takes in picturesque areas such as the town itself, Gortgonis and Derrytresk before meeting the Blackwater which flows into Lough Neagh.
The offending review stated:
“What a load of dung. All it had was trees, bird, hedges, water, flies and THERE WAS NO WIFI. And the locals just grunted and said stuff about the weather. It isn’t a patch on the Gortin Glens. The West is the Best. I’ll not be back.”
The Coalisland Canal PR team requested a meeting with TripAdvisor and asked for the comment to be taken down as TheGortinRambler was ‘obviously out to pull tourists to the west of the county from the east‘ according to their vice-chairman Vincent Taylor, an uncle of Dennis the snooker player. TripAdvisor refused the request on the grounds of freedom of speech.
Over 300 Coalisland residents are planning a trip to Gortin Glens this weekend and we have been told that reviews will be posted that day by all 300.
Riots In Coalisland As Lilt Changes Its Name
Local community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after widespread riots broke out around the town following the news that Lilt will not be called Lilt from later this week.
Rebranded Fanta Pineapple & Grapefruit, Lilt has been a staple accompaniment for cowboy suppers, fish suppers, and sausage suppers in the town since 1933. During the troubles, full cans of Lilt were pelted at the Brits at times of heightened tension. Dennis Taylor famously drank seven tins of Lilt during his 1985 World final versus Steve Davis, causing serious flatulence which Davis blamed for missing the last black.
Phonsie Kelly, 65, a retired poitin maker from the town, fumed:
“So what the buck do we drink with our cowboy suppers now? Men and women will be choking with the dryness of it all. Lilt haven’t thought this through. And sure by the time you ask for Fanta Pineapple and Grapefruit, the food will be cold. I’ll still be asking for Lilt to wash down my Marathon.”
Landi’s are considering calling it Lilt anyways which may get them into trouble with the Coca-Cola company.
Castaway Tyrone Man Returns To Home After 4 Years Lost On Coney Island
A Coalisland man who had been missing for four years after his boat disappeared on Lough Neagh has returned home after making a makeshift boat out of trees on Coney Island and waiting for the wind to change direction.
Henry McCann (58) lived on the island by eating pheasants and blackberry jam whilst trying to build boats to withstand the half-mile journey to Maghery shore. McCann, sporting a 3-foot long beard, told his family that he had a companion to talk to on the island to keep him sane, a size 5 O’Neills football he called Seamus.
When asked why he didn’t see the numerous tourists who visit the island all year round, McCann explained:
“I was scared and thought they might be bears as they all had these face masks on for a year, so I hid in the bushes til they left. I’m just glad to be back and can’t believe the price of petrol.”
McCann was initially distraught to hear that his wife was now married to his brother but soon got over it and is now back working as a plasterer.
Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
Netflix To Make Series On Coalisland Roundabout Stand-Off
In what has been described as a cross between Money Heist and a spaghetti western, Netflix has announced that they’re to make a 5-series epic based on the real event of the first four vehicles arriving at the new traffic calming measure in Coalisland in 1995.
The subscription-based streaming service has agreed to stay loyal to the exact events, which ultimately ended in accusations of cannibalism, drive-by shootings, and an impromptu rosary in the centre of the roundabout, following a 6-day stand-off.
The four cars, which came from Edendork, Clonoe, Brackaville and Stewartstown, have been reconstructed for the event as well as the hairstyles and clothes from early 90s Tyrone.
Daniel Day-Lewis has agreed to play Tommy Coney from Clonoe who ended up whacking a pensioner from the town over the head with a Kent & Stowe Carbon Steel Tree Planting Spade (Round Mouth) for telling him to hurry up, and has admitted he had never heard of Coalisland but will spend a day in the town perfecting the accent:
“Aye I’d never heard of it.”
The roundabout was never used again.
Tyrone Tribulations 