Category Archives: GAA
Fake Sam Maguire Raises Doubts If All Ireland Was Played At All. Replay On Cards.
News that the Sam Maguire Cup which has toured the pubs and clubs in the county of Armagh was a fake has cast doubts over whether the All-Ireland Final was played at all in the first place.
Croke Park officials have admitted they can’t confirm whether the fake trophy was presented to the Armagh captain on the day and may have to declare the name null and void.
Thousands of Armagh supporters have reacted angrily to the news, with many tearing up photographs after it emerged that the cup was not the real Sam Maguire but a replica made by a man in a garage in Loughmacrory, near Omagh. He pocketed £50 a photo off unsuspecting Orchard fans.
Alarmingly, Croke Park might order the match to be played again to ensure the correct trophy is in place at the start of the match.
An Armagh supporter fumed:
“Them Tyrone ones. They can’t let us have even the slightest happiness. If they ruin this for us they’ll never get one more apple off us, for ten years at least. This is a bollocks.”
Galway are already in training for the rematch.
Shocking Scenes At Rose Of Tralee After Party: Cursing, Drinking Beer and Giving The Fingers
It has emerged that the Rose of Tralee after-party descended into chaos with many of the ‘Roses’ churning out profanities and obscenities, drinking bottles of beer, and several instances of Roses giving each other the fingers from across tables, as well as dirty looks.
Witnesses also confirmed reports that two of the Roses almost came to blows outside the female toilets due to an argument over whether Dáithí Ó Sé or Ray D’Arcy was the better presenter. The fight was side-stepped after an impromptu rendition of It’s A Long Way To Tipperary was started by the New York Rose and spread throughout the room, disarming the situation.
A waitress at the event revealed:
“Ye think these girls are all nice but with a few drinks in them, they are terrors. There was a Rose of the west of the country who was glaring at the London Rose all night and then just kept giving her the fingers and calling her bad words. She was nearly going to give her the middle finger but was stopped by the Dublin Rose. One of the northern Roses was necking Peroni and burping. I’m just glad we didn’t have to call the priest.
Bouncers had to move in at 2am and close the party after two Roses started doing provocative dance moves to Lady In Red, making a clatter of the Escorts blush.
Croke Park Seagull Speaks To TT In Most Powerful Interview Yet
The Croke Park Seagull has joined us here today in what promises to be the most remarkable interview ever done on the island of Ireland this year.
The gull made national news after he stayed on the field of play in the All-Ireland Final on Sunday between Galway and Armagh until he was forcibly removed by a steward halfway through the first half.
In this explosive interview, we learn a little about his background and what made him do the unthinkable on Sunday. Strap up for one hell of a ride.
First of all, tell us a little about yourself.
Well, first of all, thank you for having me here. Us seagulls rarely get the chance to speak on national platforms so we as a community are grateful for the opportunity to do this.
Remember, only tell us what you’re comfortable with
Yes, well my name is Steve. I’m actually a herring gull and come from a long line of gulls from Dublin. In fact, my great aunt actually came from your neck of the woods, near Dungiven, but she was unfortunately shot by a farmer in Draperstown. (sobs)
Very sorry to hear that and if anyone reading this has been affected by farmers shooting at them, please contact us and we’ll see that you’re sorted. OK, moving on, why were you on the pitch on Sunday?
Well TT, to be honest, I was sick of what I was watching so I decided to push up on the Galway kickouts in the first 10 minutes to make them go long. We need to see some midfield battles again and I made sure any space in front of the keeper was filled.
Fair point. We noticed that you changed wings after 15 minutes. Not on the field, your actual wings. Why was that, my man?
You have to keep evolving in this game. I could see McGeeney squinting at me so I took advantage of that and sort of shape-shifted a bit. It worked and you could see Rian O’Neill was totally off his game at the start. He was bamboozled.
You have come in for a bit of criticism after it emerged you’d signed up to a sponsorship deal with Paddy Power before the game, is this true Steve?
Well TT, when you are gull with a life expectancy of 20 years you have to make hay. I also had PP tattooed onto my beak but the cameras didn’t pick it up. My bosses weren’t best pleased (laughter)
Finally Steve, any plans for another TV appearance?
Well, the people behind Mrs Brown’s Boys contacted me asking if I’d be interested in making a guest appearance. I told them to go to (BLEEP) and that I’d rather be stoned by a pile of Dublin kids that appear on that shite.
Apologies for the language there, readers, but that’s live interviews for you (laughter).
I’d like to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to Julie, the wife, who is unwell at the minute with the vomiting after accidentally eating her own faeces thinking it was ice-cream
Thank you very much Steve for the interview. Next week we will have a very special guest in the studio which I know will be the best one yet.
(Steve the herring gull attacks TT presenter).
Mulligan & Harte To Choose Entrance Songs For Pundit Face-Off On BBC Coverage This Weekend
Hundreds of thousands are expected to tune in to the BBC this weekend as Mickey Harte returns to the airwaves as a pundit alongside fellow county-man Owen Mulligan. Insiders have confirmed that the BBC will separate the two Tyrone men until the last moment, with their make-up departments at opposite sides of the ground.
Additionally, both men have been asked to choose entrance songs before going live, accompanied by pyrotechnics and fireworks just outside the commentary box. Although both men are keeping their song choices close to their chest, a musical director within the BBC admitted:
“We believe Mulligan is going for ‘Prodigal Son‘ by the Rolling Stones whilst Harte is veering towards ‘If I Could Turn Back Time‘ by Cher. Mulligan is also asking for a custom-made robe to be sewn for the occasion with flashing red hands on it, whilst holding a brolly. It should be quite the spectacle.”
Michael Murphy has been spotted doing weights at a gym in Donegal, suggesting he will be used as security if things get physical in the studio at the weekend.
BBC NI Weather Team Accused Of Making It Rain On Purpose
Cynics online have confirmed they have proof the BBC NI weather team has been secretly manipulating the weather so that people will tune in to hear if the bad news will improve. Additionally, it has emerged that Barra Best’s favourite song is Cloudbusting by Kate Bush, a song about a rain-making process that involved using a machine.
Rumours first emerged weeks ago that the BBC NI team was affecting the weather after three of them were spotted on Portstewart beach performing a ritual dance while having a barbecue. Within hours it was hail-stoning across the country.
One online cynic added:
“I’ve no doubt that Barra, Cecilia, Angie and Geoff are fiddling with the weather. When they’re talking about it raining and stuff you can see them smirking. How come in the 1990s it was sunny from May til September and now I’ve a duffle coat on me in Bundoran? It’s all to do with the Matrix and they’re in it.”
An estimated 1.5m people are set to tune into the weather today at 6.55pm to see if there will be any sun tomorrow.
Irish Government To Raise Taxes After Dublin’s Elimination From Championship
The Irish nation has turned its anger towards Galway and Galwegians, as well as referee Sean Hurson, after it emerged a wave of tax rises is to come into effect next week, to counter the loss of revenue from not having Dublin supporters at the latter stages of the championship, as well as to raise money for training funds to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
In what was described as an apocalyptical nightmare for the Irish Finance Division, the banking system went into meltdown as soon as Galbally’s Sean Hurson blew the final whistle on Saturday evening. Early estimates suggest that Dublin’s exit might cost the tax-payer an extra €6 a day over the next 12 months.
We got some early reactions from those affected:
“Why didn’t that bollocks Hurson not allow another minute? I know why, he’s up north and won’t be affected by the fallout. I was already stung this morning. I got a sausage roll that cost me €3. Last week it was €2.79.” PETER FROM KILDARE
“They should just tax the hell outta the Galway ones; they caused this with their assertive brand of football. The Dublin government will bleed us dry now, to pump more money into the Dublin training fund.” MARY FROM MAYO
The Dublin squad met for a debrief on Sunday morning at a swimming pool in Drumcondra. Locals said they heard a lot of shouting by men in suits and several players as well as manager Dessie Farrell left the pool crying.
Harte To Play Taylor Swift Songs At Training. Swift To Attend Croker To Support Native Derry.
Mickey Harte has taken the unusual step of playing Taylor Swift songs at training before the Kerry quarter-final after it emerged the American singer has Derry roots. It can also be revealed that Swift is looking forward to cheering on her native Derry in person and hopes ‘McKinless keeps the head’ but knows him all too well.
Harte, who is looking to avoid a cruel summer with a win over the Kingdom, is urging for Derry and Swift fans to merge this Sunday and support the team. The Ballygawley man hasn’t beaten Kerry in the championship since 2008, with this Sunday a chance to take that record and shake it off.
“I was delighted to hear the Swift girl was a big fan of Derry. To be honest, things were looking bleak lately and I was staring into a blank space. I know I was becoming an anti-hero and some people were claiming ‘I knew you were trouble’, but this could become a love-story and I say to the Derry fans, you belong with me.”
Swift, who is a big fan of Ballinderry style football, added that she hopes McKinless doesn’t get wound up:
“I know there’s a bit of bad blood between Mickey and Kerry but that was Tyrone. Mickey told the Tyrone board, ‘we are never betting back together’, so it’s all about Derry now. McKinless just needs to keep the head. I want Derry to win it this year. I don’t wanna live forever so this is the year. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d see Conor Glass in person. When I heard I was going to Croke I spilt my coffee and said to my agent, look what you made me do!”
When asked what his favourite Taylor Swift song was at training, McKinless went for Guilty As Sin.
Tyrone GAA Deny Plan To ‘Drive Derry Back To Divison Four’ By Infiltrating Key Positions In Oak Leaf County
Tyrone GAA officials have refuted allegations that an initiative to infiltrate Derry GAA managerial jobs at all levels, as well as schools, to return Derry to Division 4, was discussed at the County Convention last year, after it looked like Derry was going to come close to winning a second All-Ireland in the coming years.
Derry GAA has since revealed that they have been inundated with applicants for county managerial jobs from Tyrone men at U17, U20, and Senior level, despite the jobs never being advertised or needing to be filled. Additionally, a whistle-blower from within the Tyrone GAA camp has alleged that a secret convention was held between major stakeholders within the county to discuss breaking the Derry revival and “driving the bastards back to Division 4“.
The unnamed source added:
“They talked about a secret agent who was going to take over a major post in Derry and endear himself to supporters by winning a few matches, only to push them over the edge from the highest point of the hill. Then all underage structures would be targeted in a strategically timed manner, starting with getting Tyrone men into Principal jobs in schools around Dungiven, Bellaghy, Ballinderry and Maghera.”
A Tyrone GAA official has denied the allegation but admitted it didn’t look good for their dear neighbours before walking off and singing Danny Boy and winking.
Tyrone GAA To Offer Free Red Diesel And Chocolate To Tyrone Supporters If They Attend Donegal Game
In a bid to boost the poor numbers turning out to support the Red Hands this year, the Tyrone County Board has offered to reward any vehicle passing by Garvaghey on the way to Ballybofey with £50 worth of free diesel as well as a selection of confectionary for the journey including Mars Bars, Marathons and Drifters.
Additionally, the board will send out a convoy of drivers before supporters set out, to spot PSNI or Gardai dippers on all the main roads to the game and warn people on a Facebook page they have set up.
A county board member, who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“We had to do something. In some of the matches this year, the match officials have even outnumbered the Tyrone support. I don’t know what’s up. We had to try something. Hopefully the £50 red diesel will double the fanbase this Saturday. And the chocolate will keep the children happy. Also, if anyone is dipped on a minor road, there is a special number they can call and we’ll be there witin minutes to chase the cops.”
Supporters have been asked to use the code-phrase ‘throw the blanket on the ground‘ as they pass a man in a hi-viz vest in Ballygawley, then pull into the lay-by, where they’ll be filled up and received the food.
Health Experts Reveal Majority Of Mental Health Referrals Due To Lockdown Family Quiz Trauma On Zoom
The Irish Health Agency ‘Mathatters’ has revealed that 70% of referrals in 2024 so far have been due to trauma caused by having a series of family quizzes online during lockdown.
Dr Peter Campbell, who plasters walls in his spare time, admitted that the family quizzes have left siblings ‘shaking with fear’ as soon as they see laptops or hear the Skype ringtone.
“It appears that the quizzes would end up in heavy online drinking sessions with a few home truths told by the end of the session, usually in the early hours of the morning. Then they’d do it all again the following week. The quizzes were just a distraction before the slagging started. Some families haven’t spoken to each other since it, usually over a question about county nicknames.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be careful on the Glenshane Pass this Sunday as the dippers were spotting doing trial runs tonight.
Universities Concerned After 15000 7-Year-Olds Achieve Grade ‘A’ in New Ulster Scots A-Level.
The major universities in Ireland have issued a joint statement, outlining their fears that the new ‘Ulster-Scots Language A-Level’ will see too many applicants in future years after every P3 child in the six counties achieved top marks in the new subject.
The new A-Level included the following question as an opener:
1. If you have a lock of spuds, do you have no spuds or many spuds? (40 marks)
Queen’s University Entrance officer Dr Hector Hero explained:
“I’d be a wee bit worried that every P3 has an A-Level already. One of the questions was – What does ‘aye’ mean: Dog, yes or pothole? I’m not sure if this A-Level is robust enough. I’m also worried about the Degree in Ulster Scots that the P5s are already doing.”
Another of the 40-markers was:
“If I’m a crabby wee baldy glipe, am I happy, grumpy or indifferent?”
DUP Irish Love-In Continues As Pengelly Goes On Rip With O’Neill In Tessie’s In Clonoe
The DUP’s willingness to embrace new traditions has taken a new positive curve in the road after Emma Little-Pengelly was seen necking pints of stout in Tessie’s in Clonoe with Michelle O’Neill on a Sunday night, finishing up with a heated row outside Paddy Burger’s Van at 3am over the Wolfe Tone’s best songs, whilst ordering a cheesy chip and a burger with brown sauce.
Pengelly, who was born up the road in Markethill, was described as being ‘full of the craic’ and pure mad into the Sunday Game which was showing on the small black and white TV in the pub at the crossroads in Clonoe.
Although O’Neill had initially invited Pengelly for an afternoon tea in Michelle’s homeplace, the DUP juggernaut suggested going for a pint before she headed back to the city. Six hours later, the Armagh woman had won five pool games, three darts matches and an arm wrestle against the principal of the local Irish-speaking primary school.
Locals refused to comment on the night, but one Tessie’s resident admitted:
“That blade one to watch. She knows her rebel songs alright.”
In other news, an otter was spotted in Derrytresk which resembled John the Baptist. There will be a vigil at the pitch tomorrow night.
GAA To Offer Grants To Players Who Have Famous Partners
Following on from the Superbowl hype around a Kansas City Chiefs player and a famous singer, GAA officials met this morning to rubber stamp a series of bursaries and grants that will be made available for young GAA players if they manage to find a famous partner.
Over seven million 10-year-olds watched the Superbowl this year due to Taylor Swift’s presence at the game, something that Croke Park would like to see replicated in Ireland.
The GAA’s director of Positive PR, Malachy Cullen, revealed the extent of the financial rewards:
“Say for example, a young man from Trillick started going out with Beyoncé, then he could expect to receive a tax-free grant of up to £50’000 as long as she attends at least four of Tyrone’s big games. The fact that she has a fada in her name would possibly pave the way for more money. We need these lads to step up a bit and try being attractive to big stars across the world.”
Cullen, however, revealed that there would be no back pay after Tyrone legend John Lynch asked if he could receive a lump sum because he tackled Sheena Easton outside the Greenvale in 1979.
Ronan McNamee Spotted Winking At Jim McGuinness At Shop
Recently retired Tyrone legend Ronan McNamee has refused to quell rumours that he may tog out for Donegal in 2024.
The Aghyaran full-back, who was expected to hang up his inter-county boots to concentrate on terrorising club Intermediate forwards in 2024, has Donegal connections as well as a good geographical knowledge of the O’Donnell County. He also, reportedly, recently downloaded the Hills of Donegal as his ringtone on his phone.
Strabane newsagent, Johnny McIlhenny, confirmed that McNamee and McGuinness were in the shop at the same time this morning:
“They were smirking and nodding at each other at the deli counter. McGuinness then pulled out the Irish News and pointed at the McNamee retiring story. Ronan just winked and bought three sausage rolls. It seemed like a done-deal to me.”
When questioned about the incident, McNamee cryptically replied: ‘When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.’
McNamee is a renowned fisherman.
Trillick To Put On Two Masses After Errigal Announce Their Pre-Match Mass For Sunday
Trillick this evening confirmed that they will run two Masses on the morning of the county final to counteract the Errigal Mass organised for 11am in Garvaghy on Sunday.
The Trillick Masses, one at 7am and another at 11.30am, will allow fog horns to be blown during musical interludes at their second Mass as well as flag-waving, after Errigal encouraged club colours to be worn during their Mass.
The brainchild behind the Trillick double-Mass, Getty Sunken, has also asked permission from the Bishop to allow parishioners to shout abuse at the priest, to warm up for the match itself:
“Yes, we’re hoping we can hurl abuse at the clergy to make sure we’re fully vocally prepared for the big game. Nothing too obscene, just stuff like ‘are ye f**kin blind’ if he stalls when reading. It’s for the common good.”
Already, over 80 Trillickians have signed up for both Masses.
In other news, a pothole claimed another victim down a rampart in Castlecaulfield today. Mary McGlute (61) broke her ankle on the pothole whilst running after ticket seller.
Church Scandal As Hidden Confession Charges Revealed
Vatican representatives have distanced themselves from the revelations that worshippers are being charged for a rash of hidden charges whilst going to confessions across the county.
It emerged late last week that the following fines have recently been imposed at confessional booths:
- £10 if confessions last more than 20 mins
- £10 if too long is spent on justifying the sin
- £10 for stammerers
- £5 for over 5 sins
- £20 if the same sins are used twice in a 3-month sinning period
A 77-year-old parishioner from Strabane, who wishes to remain anonymous, fumed
“I had to go to the Credit Union last month for confessions and all I did was swear under my breath at the wife and have bad thoughts about the weather woman on TG4, but I’ve a stutter. It’s a disgrace during this cost of living crisis. I’d save more money dead, or just sinning away like a bollocks.”
A priest in Cappagh is hearing confessions without hidden charges but is currently booked out until 2025.
Several Tyrone Players Sizing Up Saudi Arabia GAA Offer
It has emerged this weekend that several GAA clubs in Saudi Arabia have made offers of a three-year deal to several Tyrone players since their elimination from the Championship by Kerry, with Al Bahah Pearses also confident of landing a few retired players in Mulligan, Canavan, and McMenamin.
Sources close to the club have intimated that Sakakah O’Rahillys are in the latter stages of securing a 5-year deal for Darragh Canavan, with extras thrown in such as a pile of Rolex watches and unlimited spices. Dammam Emmets have also tabled a bid for Brian Kennedy and have assured him that they’ll play the sound of the Lough at night in his house and present 2000 midges a day to prevent any form of home-sickness setting in.
Saudia Arabia GAA spokesman and former player Yousuf ‘the butcher’ Tunayan maintains that it’s only a matter of time before their league is shown on RTE instead of the traditional championship:
“It’s only a matter of time before our league is shown on RTE instead of the traditional championship.”
Jeddah Colmcilles are about to initiate negotiations to get David Clifford over permanently moving to Saudi and have promised to not have any Stewartstown players on their team. Already three Stewartstown players have been sent home from the country for drinking beer outside the training ground on their first day and fighting with the man trying to give them 1000 lashes.
Only Good Fighters From Ulster Allowed Into Hill 16 From Now On
In a reaction to the Armagh/Monaghan supporter brawl on Hill 16 at the weekend, Croke Park officials have revealed that only good fighters from Ulster counties will be allowed into the section, in order to end fights quickly.
Video footage of the brawl on Saturday revealed that no one could really throw a punch which resulted in the fight lasting longer than it should have, allowing other supporters time to video it.
Croke Park strategist Gordon McCartney confirmed:
“Yea, to take the bad look off it all, we’re getting all Ulster supporters to punch one of them punchbags you get in the amusements on the TV in America, on the way in. If you’re too wasted on the Buckfast or homebrew, you’re not going to perform well enough to stand on the Hill. We need fights ending in seconds with a quick 1-2 and no camera footage.”
The new measures will be put in place for the Derry/Kerry game, with only the hardest Oak Leaf men and women allowed into Hill 16 for the game.
GAA May Sell Exclusive Viewing Rights To Japanese Island For 2024 Season
The small Japanese community of Shikoku Island may get exclusive rights to the 2024 GAA season after it emerged they are frontrunners to secure the pay-per-view contract currently up for the highest bidder. RTE has been unable to match the Shikoku bid but has denied the suggestion that several of their board who have shares in Shikoku TV have influenced their decision.
Shikoku, which has baseball and soccer teams, has yet to form a GAA club but will enjoy exclusive viewing of the 2024 season for free, whilst the rest of the world could be charged up to £40 a game if current rates continue, if their £300m bid is accepted. It has since emerged that commentary will be in the local Japanese language.
Gary Mallon, a retired full-back from Edendork, fumed:
“Listen I’m delighted for the good people of Shikoku that they’ll be able to watch the likes of Peter Harte and Shane McGuigan for free, but how are we to afford £40 a match and it in Japanese? And you know what will happen. They’ll open up the Edendork Hall again and charge us £5 in and Edendork make millions again.”
Primary Schools have been urged to teach the basics of the Japanese language and in particulalry the Sanuki dialect.
Tyrone Tribulations 