Category Archives: Moy
Moy Unveil New VIP Section In Stand For New Season. Donaghmore Furious.
The failed Dromore VIP section
Moy GFC this morning unveiled their Premier Viewing Section at their ground on the Benburb Road, becoming the second Tyrone club to do so after the failed Dromore attempt in 1988. Dignitaries such as Plunkett Donaghy and Dr Kennedy from Neighbours attended the opening although photographers from Donaghmore boycotted the event. Moy treasurer Ronnie McGeown cut the ribbon which was actually a bit of police tape the PSNI left behind during a raid last year. The section consists of a perfect square at the top right hand corner of the stand allowing 8 or 10 people to squeeze into. McGeown believes this will become the norm around the county before long:
“Myself and a couple of lads were finding it increasingly irritating to stand with the ordinary man watching a match, what with their foul language and snorting and stuff. We came up with an idea of a VIP section season ticket that will allow six home fans and four away who possess a certain level of respectability to sit together in the top corner with four-foot perspex glass around them. We will provide fine English cheeses and a glass or two of Chilean Merlot. Free wifi will also allow the VIPs to do business transections or arrange social gatherings for the Tatler. We will maybe throw the leftovers to the non-VIP shower at half time like bits of cabbage etc.”
Donaghmore GFC are said to be furious that they have been surpassed as the poshest club in Tyrone. Chairperson Henrietta Winklebottom did not hold back:
“Who do they think they are? Have you ever been to the Moy or Benburb? Shit-kickers we call them. Always covered in crap. We’ve been picking bits of Venezuelan Pork from between out teeth at matches long before the Moy had running water. I had a look at the so-called VIP section. It’s like an exclusion zone for foot and mouth sows. This is just like the time Dromore tried it. They made the VIPs stand on bicycles.”
All six tickets home tickets have been sold for this weekend’s visit of Derrylaughan. The Kevin Barrys were not offered their allocation of four on the grounds that it would be pointless. A VIP season ticket costs £600 or £100 per game.
‘What’s On’ Guide For This Evening On Tribulations TV
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
To access, press the red button on your fax machine or go to channel 1 on any Sinclair ZX81 and type in ‘Run’.
5.00pm Cubs ‘n’ Weeans
A collection of Tribulations TV children’s programmes that have shaped the lives of Tyrone’s youngsters over the years, including Captain Pugwashingbay, Bill and Benburb, Tom and J’Erigal, and countless others. Contains swearing.
6.00pm The Culture Show: A Guide in Gentleman’s Etiquette
Presented by Malachy Mullan, local lady’s man and owner of the Donaghmore slaughterhouse, this week’s episode in self-betterment teaches aspiring young gentleman how to cough up balls of phlegm into your bare hand and then discretely wipe it on your trousers, and a valuable lesson in showing impressive restraint to a lady in a fancy Dungannon restaurant by not punching the waiter in the face when presented with the bill.
6.30pm Tyrone-ly Fools and Horses
Diarmid-Boy and Eugene drive about in a Reliant Robin that’s got ‘Paris London and Pomeroy’ painted on the side, and then fall through the bar in Hagan’s in Dungannon.
7.00pm Wife Swamp
Two wives, probably from Cabragh, dive face-down into a bog and get rescued by their husbands both of whom are in the advanced stages of inebriation, who then have a heated argument about which wife is which.
7.30pm James Bond: The Spy Who Loved Moy
Yer man gets lucky yet again with a nice piece from the Moy after a session in Tomney’s, and then gets to take her home in a fancy white sports car. Underwater.
9.45pm Tyrone in the 20s: A Step Back in Time
A fascinating insight into what it was like living in County Tyrone in the 1920s with no electricity, fresh running water, or modern vehicles, by using footage filmed in Stewartstown last week.
10.15pm Silage Witness
Drama about an Aughnacloy farmer who witnesses a bale of hay being stolen to order by an East European hay stealing ring, who is then drawn into the deadly underworld of black market hay espionage, armed with nothing but a big piece of blue rope.
11.00pm Mastermind
Hosted by local smart arse and Mensa-botherer John Quinlan from Mountfield, tonight’s four contestants face questions on their specialist subjects, ‘Tyrone’s Coastline’, ‘Fuel Siphoning’, ‘Tayto Salt ‘n’ Vinegar Crisps’ and ‘History of the Tarmac Rake’.
11.30pm Ardboe Selecta
A man in an odd-looking mask wanders round Ardboe near the Battery Harbour shouting “ghost oh biys” to strangers.
Moy Accordion Player Admits To Being Way Out Of His Depth During Session With Eglish Band
Sharkey, before the Polka
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
An inexperienced session musician has admitted to being way out his comfort zone during a session at Tomney’s in the Moy on Monday night. Noel Sharkey, 78, of Gorestown Road had been touted as the best musician to come out of The Moy since Ryan Kelly after he won the tin whistle solo in P7 playing Roddy McCorley at the Dungannon Feis in 1941.
“It was cat” said Sharkey, still shaken by the experience. “It was all going fine to start with. The Eglish crowd let me play alongside them and we were doing Nancy Spain. Nice and easy on the fingers. And then the man on the fiddle decided to up it with Phil the Fluter’s Ball. To make it worse he started tearing away, getting faster and faster. Flip, like there wasn’t enough pressure with all the Moy regulars willing me on without the rest of those lads playing like the clappers and me trying to keep up. I think the fiddler must have smelt the fear off me, the oul Eglish bollocks. I was doing my best but by the time he started onto the Kerry Polka, I just shut my eyes and hoped everyone would think I was really into the session, but to be honest I was just praying it would stop and the sweat was blinding me anyway. At one point I thought my hands were going to fall off. Even the boy on the bodhran seemed to be doing okay, and you know what them lot are like.”
Fortunately, Sharkey had the presence of mind to create a diversion.
“I started throwing in the odd ‘yeooo!’ and ‘hup!’ at the top of my voice like I was mad into it. I saw Christy Moore do it once with the Dubliners on You Tube and thought it was class. Come to think of it, maybe Christy was struggling to keep up as well. He was certainly doing plenty of sweating”.
As the Polka finished, Noel pretended he’d consumed a bad pint, lifted his accordion, made his excuses and headed home. Looking back on the evening Sharkey commented, “Lucky escape. Jaysus, what a nightmare. The longest five minutes of my life. I’ll only be doing Roddy McCorley or Raglan Road from now on”.
Greencastle, Kildress, Gortin & Donemana Call For Relocation Of Sperrins
Should I stay or should I go?
By Gombeen
Following on from yesterday’s news that Greencastle had tabled a motion at the Tyrone Congress that the Sperrins be moved from their present location, it has emerged that they have received vociferous backing from Kildress, Gortin and Donemana. In an added twist to the sensational developments, Glenelly, Strabane and Plumbridge have promised to fight tooth and nail to keep the mountain range exactly where it is for varying reasons. Donemana’s Richard O’Neill explains the stance of the four pro-removal townlands:
“Yousins in the rest of the county don’t know what it’s like to wake up til this giant thing towering over you everyday like big mad parent. Every buckin day. And what it is? A big hape of moss and bogland – useless to man and beast. They talk about the beauty of Mullaghcarn Mountain. It’d be damn well beautiful to me if it was sitting in Benburb or Trillick. And it’s freezing here. The sun can’t get at us. Sure you only have to look at the complexion of us indigenous peoples stretching the whole way across to Lissan. You’d think we’d been in solitary confinement all our lives with the gaunt skin and bags under the eyes. There’s so much we can’t see here – Portrush, the Aurora Borealis and the North Pole. It’s just not fair and another thing – there’s no drying at all here if the wind is coming from the north. That gigantic useless lump of turf blocks the whole thing. We’re calling on the Tyrone Sperrin Society to consider moving the range to the south west of the county of maybe abroad to Portygal or Egypt.”
Glenelly’s tourism spokesman, Eddie Parton, refutes the claims of the foursome:
“Listen, if them mountain glipes from Kildress hadn’t cut down all the trees 6000 years ago then it’d be a thing of beauty. They’ve greedily bogged the land out with their incessant burning of things. They’re always burning things down there. The Sperrins are crucial to tourism around these parts. Hikers usually try to go up them only to find it’s too wet and soggy and just freewheel down to here or to The Plum to buy coats and flasks and things. The Sperrins are here to stay I say. What about that lovely song concerning Slieve Gallion Brae:
My name is Joe McGarvey as you might understand
I come from Derryginnet and I own a farm of landAre there better lyrics on the planet than that opener?”
The four protagonists have been slow to distance themselves from a telephoned threat from a group calling themselves the Strabane Slashers to the tourism board warning that if the vote doesn’t go in favour of the removalists, they’ll blow the mountain range up anyway. Richard O’Neill added:
“We do not condone the use of explosives to rid ourselves of this monstrosity but let’s not get carried away. There’s worse things in the world than a couple of lads from Strabane blowing up the Sperrins.”
The Tyrone tourism board are to make a decision next week. They will also try to ask the Sperrins themselves by listening to the ground with a cocked ear.
Benburb Man Caught Drink Driving On Tractor Lawnmower
Jordan in happier times
Benburb erotic fiction writer, Jack Jordan, was fined £20 and warned about his future conduct after he was caught ‘zig-zagging all over the place’ and ‘singing his head off’ on his Mountfield 1430M Lawn Tractor yesterday evening on the Clonfeacle Road.
Jordan, 44, has also been enrolled on a 6-week drink-awareness programme in the Moy in order to curb the desire to commit the same offence again. Strawberry pickers in an adjacent field alerted the police after they witnessed an inebriated man revving his lawnmower ‘a wee bit more than normal’. Sarah Mullan told us:
“I was picking away when I heard a loud engine sound flashing up the Clonfeacle Road. He must’ve been doing, say, 7mph like. Then the terrible truth was laid bare when I saw Jack, full out of his head on brandy probably, slurring his way through ‘The Black Velvet Band’ at the wheel of his Mountfield 1430M. I was at my wits end thinking of the damage he could do on that. Mrs Glackin up the road has a lovely bed of daisies outside her front hedge. Jack was capable of obliterating the whole lot in this form so I phoned the cops who arrived before any carnage was committed.”
Initially, Jordan defended the accusations vehemently, insisting that Mrs Hughes had just given him ‘a nip of the craytur’ for mowing her bushes in her back field. The breathalyser indicated he was 20 times over the tractor lawnmower limit after which he admitted he’d downed a bottle of Bush as well as a few ‘glasses of stout’ whilst making a hames of Hughes’ field.
“I was only making the short half a mile journey home sure on the Mountfield. All these bloody do-gooders in Benburb would sicken your happiness. That Mullan girl never liked my singing.”
Jordan will attend the lawn-mower drink-awareness programme after Easter and is at present the only person enrolled.
Moy Pensioners Protest Over Tax Rise On Shortbread. Violent Scenes Ensue.
Henrietta Jordan during the riot
Chaotic scenes outside parliament buildings at Stormont this morning are being pinned on a group of Moy pensioners who boarded the 8:20 bus to Belfast in order to protest against proposed government taxes on shortbread. A visiting American delegate told CNN he just witnessed the ‘most savage group of elderly people he has ever encountered’ after being caught up in the crossfire as walking sticks, colostomy bags, false teeth and commodes were hurled at politicans from all parties as they made their way to work. Chad Hogan told CNN:
“Aw men, this was epic. I heard a group of yahooing elderly people coming up over the mound. Some were using motorized vehicles to help mobility, travelling at speeds of up to 7mph. They got up as far as the parliament front door before hurling all sorts of archaic instruments at anyone they saw who wore a suit or frock. Urine crashed against the vehicle carrying the First Minister. Awesome. They weren’t streetwise down-town pensioners either. These were real country hicks. They must’ve been aged between 77-90 and I’m told they were wearing Tyrone or Moy vests. One female threw a bag of boiled sweets and a ham sandwich at an SDLP delegation. You know what, they won me over. Lower taxes on shortbread, dudes.”
The First Minister and his Deputy are currently locked in a cupboard just inside the foyer after the Moy terror gang stormed the building, looking for a nice cup of tea and a Rich Tea after their long journey from the Moy. Robinson and McGuinness are said to be contemplating staying in there for the forseeable future or until a few of the rioting elderly keel over. 86-year old Moy woman Henrietta Jordan says they’re going nowhere:
“This is part of a systematic attack on the elderly in and around the Moy. Take shortbread out of our daily lives and all we have is Hugo during the week and Gay Byrne on a Sunday. We’re not in much of a rush home as the bingo isn’t til Wednesday. We will get what we want as soon as one of us remembers why we are here again. You’re a nice young man. What’s my name?”
The PSNI are said to be attempting to lure the aged Moy protesters out of the buildings with the prospect of scones, Christmas cake and a copy of the Ireland’s Own.
New Reality TV Show For Benburb. ‘Wreckin About’ To Air In July.
Benburb on a Saturday
A new reality TV show is to be launched in Benburb later in the year as part of the Benburb Sunday celebrations. Filmed entirely in the area, the show is set to follow three families around for 24 hours a day for ten weeks, called ‘Wreckin About’. Despite initial apathy towards the idea amongst the locals, the Dutch TV company BSE managed to convince three families in the area to take part in the programme which will record their every second on camera, be it at work, home or just wandering about the fields. The first to sign up were the Glackans, one of the quietest families in the area. Gertie Glackan explained their decision:
“Ah sure isn’t it great. They did a trial run last week and all went well. I was afraid there wouldn’t be much happening in the house or Benburb itself and people would turn off the TV in their droves. But you just don’t realise the dramas that happens week in week out. Didn’t the top shower start leaking. It was some handlin. The cameras were up like a shot and filmed the drip. Then a tiler from the Moy turned up to give a quote to fix it. He said £120 all in – £85 for the labour and £35 for the sealant. Well didn’t my Patsy go clean mad and called him all the fleecing bastards of the day and a typical Moy thieving bollocks. It was very dramatic. I pretended to cry to add to the whole atmosphere. Them Dutch ones were loving it.”
The identity of the two other families remain a mystery at the minute but speculation is rife that the Martins, the blow-ins from Eglish who encounter bad manners from locals on a daily basis, have signed up to the project. Last year there was a bit of a scandal when Leo Martin was called ‘an oul woman’ by the Benburb Church cleaner after he turned up for service wearing a jumper tied around his shoulders.
The show will air in July.
Moy Woman Gets Tattoo. Locals Give Verdict.
Llama in the Moy
Miss Moy 1988, Pamela Jordan (42), ‘went ahead anyway’ and got a tattoo of a llama on her outer thigh despite reservations expressed in the hamlet during the week. Jordan became the first Moy woman to go under the needle since Kirsty Mackle had a small gnu tattooed onto her heel in 1986. They remain the only people from the area to sport a tattoo. Eglish have reportedly seventeen people with skin graffiti. Tyrone Tribulations went out and about The Moy this morning to gauge reaction to Jordan’s decision.
“Well Holy Jaysus. Why in under God did she go ahead with it? She was a great looking young girl. That Miss Moy ’88 has gone to her head altogether. It’s in them Jordans. Her great aunt Elma was the first woman in the Moy to wear a short skirt, in 1949. I remember the local PP fainting when she went up for communion. To be fair, attendances went up. Something for the dads.” PADDY HOLMES (88)
“A llama. A buckin llama. What is wrong with a chinese proverb or some kind of celtic thing? It’s in them Jordans. Always thinking they’re pioneers. See them llamas, when they don’t like the eye in your head they start spitting, kicking and neck wrestling. Give it three months and all the young girls will be spitting and neck wrestling. I don’t mind the kicking.” SUSAN GLACKIN (55)
“Ah sure isn’t it great. A bit of positive news for the village. Although it’s in them Jordans, she’s free to do what she wants with her thighs. As for the llama, sure isn’t better than my nephew from Eglish who got one of a cock. Or was it a hen? I cannot remember but it was some kind of fowl. Some dick. Not the tattoo, him.” DENISE MARTIN (45)
“A gnu. Now a llama. Next they’ll be devil worshipping or snorting meth.” FR TOBY CASSIDY (71)
What’s On In Tyrone: Oct 27-28
GLENELLY. Former captain Joseph McCullagh becomes the first man to leave Glenelly for pastures new. There will be a going-away do in the community hall with music supplied by the Plumbridge Brass Band and Joseph’s uncle, Mattie McCullagh, who’s singing songs from the musicals. Festivities start 8pm tomorrow. Come along and see Joseph off in style before his long trek to Bundoran.
MOY. 13th Annual Camel Wrestling Event. A little known fact is that the only two camels in Ireland kept as pets both live in the Moy. This remarkable coincidence has lent itself to a yearly wrestling competition held between both even-toed ungulates. With 6 wins apiece this year’s fight promises to be a real humdinger. Ice cream made from camel milk will be provided for children. First bell rings at 7pm tonight.
TATTYREAGH. Annual bath for brides and grooms-to-be. Come along and witness the bathing of soon-to-be newlyweds in the Ballynahatty Water. Tradition in Tattyreagh dictates that all weddings in the area take place in November. At the end of October, all couples intending to tie the knot that year bathe in the freezing waters as relatives gather and clap. No showers are to take place between then and the wedding. That’s why the women hold flowers, to disguise the odour. First dipping at 11am Sunday.
STEWARTSTOWN. 100th Gurning Competition. Famous for its natural gurners, this year’s Stewartstown gala promises to be special as the centenary gurning weekend gets underway today outside the bank at 2pm. With competitions for all age groups and genders as usual, organisers have opened to competition to pets and livestock. Dan McCann is aiming for the ‘Most Miserable Bollocks’ title for the 5th consecutive year.
Dan McCann. Most Miserable Bollocks 2007-2011
What’s On In Tyrone: Oct 20-21
COOKSTOWN
Wife-carrying competition. All participants must register in the field behind the convent. Women must be over 12 stone and fully clothed. Distance 400 metres. Winner receives a token for a pint in Mulligans as long as they buy another. Sunday 9am.
STRABANE
Sat, 4pm. Tar-Barrel Racing. This annual event involves people racing through the streets of the town, carrying flaming wooden barrels of burning tar on their backs. This ancient game has been a staple feature of Strabane life since 1888 when John McElhinney was convicted of stealing his neighbour’s underwear from her line and made to walk through the town carrying a tar barrel alight. Patron please take notice that there’ll be no medical facilities on offer.
BALLYGAWLEY
This weekend sees the return of Plough Sunday, a day when ploughmen traditionally blacken their faces with cow clap (or manure) and dance up and down the Whitebridge Road singing “Hickory Dickory Dock”. No one knows the origin of this but people flock from all over to see these strange customs. Stalls will be on display, showcasing homegrown Ballygawley produce such as grass, blackberries and sticks. Paudge Quinn will lead the dancing, heavily manured.
MOY
Moy To Drop ‘The’
NTIMLA (No The In Moy Liberation Army) leader Calum Donakey issued a chilling warning as it emerged yesterday that Moy have lodged detailed plans to the UK Deed Poll Service regarding the use of ‘the’ in common everyday mention of Moy. This move comes after an elongated campaign by The Moy villagers to prefix every other townland or hamlet in Tyrone with ‘the’, sometimes resulting in bloodbath on the roads and loanans in the county. Just last week, UTV Live highlighted the mass brawl in The Moy after ‘The Eglish’ was scrawled on a gable wall on the Terryglassog Road. Eglish natives descended on the home-patch of their neighbours in their thousands, declaring war on anyone with red paint on their hands or those ‘with a bad eye in their head’ which included the majority of the hamlet. 32 people were taken to hospital with pike wounds.
Tensions were high
“Lose The The” spokesperson and ex-county player Phillipe Jardin told us:
“We’re sick to the back teeth of people taking the mickey with our names. At school all Moy people were bullied by munchies and townies alike, calling us things like ‘the Phillipe from the Moy’ an all, even the bastard teachers. At the start it was a bit of craic with only the Blackwatertown boys saying it but even RTE have adopted the ‘the’ and its busting all our balls, even the women. Look at the signpost fer feck sakes.”
NTIMLA Militant Calum Donakey added:
“No more. From here on in, until the UK Deeds shower enforce the verbal abolition of ‘the’, we see anyone using ‘the’ with ‘Moy’ as a legitimate target. We have the support of the people. An Maigh Abu”
before bursting into a rendition of ‘Blanket on the Ground‘, their signature tune.
The Rock are monitoring the situation with interest.
Tyrone Tribulations 