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Brocagh Family Had Best Holiday Rows Ever Over Easter In Bundoran
The McGurks, Good Friday
By Gombeen
An esteemed Brocagh family, the McGurks, claim they experienced the deadliest arguments they’d ever had during a three-day break at a caravan site in Bundoran over Easter. Tom and Cathy McGurk treated their two children and Tom’s parents to a traditional 6-seater getaway during the extremely cold spell at the end of March, managing to return to Brocagh with no one talking to anyone at all. Tom explained how the adventure got off to the worst possible start, making it a memorable break:
“As soon as we pulled out of Ballybeg Road, the children started arguing over who was getting the iPad. My mother then started giving off about the way young’uns couldn’t be pleased these days and that in her day they shut up and said nothing. Of course, my Cathy took that as a slight on her parenting skills and lit on mummy about poking her nose into things and even brought up my alcoholic brother as an example of ‘looking a bit closer to home’. We hadn’t even reached Cookstown and there was already stony silence.”
Things took a turn for the worse when Tom’s father and Cathy disagreed over the way home from the restaurant in Bundoran to the caravan site.
“To be fair, it was the best holiday for rows we’ve ever had. Daddy and Cathy were having a proper nose-to-nose screaming session over the route home. I was rowing with my ma regarding splitting the bill and the two children were cutting lumps out of each other in someone else’s garden. People were gathering around, pointing and laughing. It was a real humdinger of a weekend. I don’t think we stopped rowing even for a minute. Probably the best ever.”
The second day saw Tom’s parents move out of the caravan and spend the last night in a hotel near Downings but they all travelled home together, fitting in another bust-up over the temperature in the car.
New Pope Not Sure If Cookstown Will Stay Up
Up the Pope
In a moment of weakness, perhaps brought on by the stress of his new job, Pope Francis the First admitted to an aide that he fears Cookstown Fr Rocks will tumble back down to the Intermediate grade having learned nothing from their previous foray into the senior grade a couple of years ago. The Argentinian Pontiff has never hidden his admiration for the Fr Rocks as well as his love for San Lorenzo, his local soccer side. Under his previous name, Jorge Bergoglio, the former Cardinal would combine watching his home team with scouring the Internet for a live stream of Cookstown’s league and Championship outings.
“Ah he’s mad about them Father Rocks”, admitted his best friend Fr Toto Schillachi. “There bes times when you’d catch him dreaming mid-service and you know it has dawned on him that the Rocks are playing a league match that day, probably against the likes of Killeeshil or Urney. One day, in Buenos Aires, he had the whole school dressed in blonde mullets singing ‘Mugsy’s Blue and Navy Army’ in Latin. It was quite a spectacle. He’s a quare eejit.”
Reports that he fears for Cookstown’s ability to stay in the senior grade has come as a blow for the busy market town although early signs indicate it will make the Rocks more resolute to keep their place in the top grade. A club insider remarked:
“Listen, it’s great that His Holiness is part of the Azzuri Army but we can do without the negativity. He should stick to the praying and we’ll do the playing. At the same time, he’s welcome down at Convent Lane any time he wants. It’s usually only a fiver in to club games.”
The Pope celebrated Cookstown’s All-Ireland last month with a slap-up feast of Cookstown Sizzlers, champ and a glass of Buckfast.
The Rock Make Bid To Stage 2014 Eurovision
Rock and Roll?
The Rock, famous for its disused water pump and Ciaran Gourley, has made an audacious early bid to stage the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest in case Ireland wins it this year. Strabane man Ryan Dolan will represent Ireland in this year’s contest in Malmo and ‘Euro For The Rock’ chief organiser, Kitty McCreesh, reckons it’s only right that a county Tyrone village gets to stage the event.
“Ah sure why not. There bes Portuguese and Latvians in Cookstown and Dungannon all the time. Why can’t but put up a few thousand Ukrainians, Spaniards, Maltese, Swedes and the likes up around these parts for the guts of a week. If you take a drive around Galcussagh, Rough Hill, Sessiagh Hill, Knockavaddy and Mullynure you’ll see acres of space that would cater for tents, wigwams, them there cars that are also caravans or whatever them foreigners sleep in. Hammocks etc. My husband says he’d look after the Swedes any day of the week, especially the blade who won it last year. We’ll put on a quare welcome and the Rock Accordian Band says they’ll play for free when parading the 44 countries around the football field before the singing bit. I cannot see any problems with this idea at all. It’ll be rock-on in the Rock next year. Isn’t it a great way to promote the disused pump and the general friendliness of Rock people. We might even get two dots above the ‘o’ in Rock to give us a continental feel, like The Röck.”
Pierre Dumont of the Eurovision 2014 Committee confirmed they received the bid and will make an announcement shortly. Dumont did express concerns about the crowding around the disused water pump and whether or not they can employ enough security to control it:
“Yes, there is a concern about the water pump. Although disused, it’s still up there with the towers in Pisa and Paris, the Great Wall of China and the Statue of Liberty. In school in Montpellier, one of the first things I was taught about when it came to foreign places of interest was the ‘Rock Disused Water Pump’. I’m giddedly excited myself about the possibility of seeing it so I can’t imagine how people in Luxembourg or Belarus feel. It’s a grave concern and might scupper their bid. And anyway, Cookstown isn’t what it used to be they say, like Pompeii.”
Cookstown Credit Union Workers Are County’s Heaviest Party-Goers
Cookstown CU in the Greenvale at the weekend
A recent survey carried out by the Matt Talbot Research Centre in Omagh has discovered that the staff at the Cookstown CU are the most likely workforce in the county to get completely blattered every weekend and every other day during the week. The infamous Strabane Bikers – ‘The Pissed Off Bastards of Bridge Street’ – are the most teetotal grouping, closely followed by the ‘Eskra Eucharistic Ministry Society’.
The news that the Credit Union in Cookstown came out top in the survey came as no surprise to customers who commented on the outlet’s reluctance to give out any loans at all on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays due to severe hangovers.
“Ah sure I’m not surprised one bit,” Seamie Sheehey told us. “Everyone knows that you haven’t a hope in hell of getting even a tenner on a Wednesday. They’d be awkward and call your bluff. You’d be asking for a lock of pound to ‘do the kitchen’ and they’d be saying ‘sure I was in your kitchen last week and there’s nothing wrong with it’. Yet on Thursday they’ll hand out a grand even if you only needed a ton to pay the parking fines. It’s a lottery, especially if they’ve been on two day benders. My mother asked for £2000 for a holiday in Portygal and even though she had £1500 savings in it, they told her it’d be more in her line to go to mass more often than to be galavanting around Faro.”
In second place were the clergy in Pomeroy who consume more wine in a year than the whole Basque region in northern Spain.
33 Stewartstown Motorists Fined For Picking Nose In Traffic
Suggested driving gear for Stewartstonians
Over thirty Stewartstown women and men were fined this evening on their way out the Lisnastrane Road following a PSNI sting on blatant public nose-picking motorists.
Labelled ‘Operation Neb’, the police service landed £30 on the spot fines to the wannabe Christmas shoppers within an age range of 17-81. The action was taken after a rash of complaints since the summer regarding the upsurge of loose-fingered drivers, especially those driving Astras. Superintendent Mark Delilah explained:
“We’d been inundated with complaints from Coalisland and Cookstown residents in recent months regarding the chain of nose-pickers winding their way towards their towns to do a bit of shopping. Children were being chased into houses or alleyways by protective parents for fear they’d catch a glimpse of this monstrous habit. We simply had to act. Intelligence operators told us the residents generally left their houses around 7pm after dinner. Hiding in the hedge, we saw the initial few cars weave their way towards Coalisland and sure enough the first few were hoking around their snouts. Without hesitation we pounced, nailing 33 motorists. Hopefully that is the warning shot Stewartstown needed.”
Amongst the offenders was 75 year old Frances Dillon, a retired knitting machine operator.
“I was picking me nasal passage because I thought you had to. Any motor making its way to Coalisland from Stewartstown would have someone cleaning out their sniffer. I just believed it was compulsory in order to smell the delightful spices around Annagher or the Lineside. I’ll not be paying the thirty quid. They can stick it.”
Stewartstown Residents Society are considering blocking the Lisnastrane Road tomorrow in a show of solidarity for the accused, especially Fergal Tennyson so was fined £60 for scratching his arse at the same time.
Cookstown Face-Painter Ruins Intermediate Final
One of Cookstown’s most colourful characters, Anton McCaffrey, almost single-handedly ruined the Fr Rock’s finest day when he caused ‘untold distress’ to Eskra mothers during his face-painting service at the Intermediate final. McCaffrey admitted he’d had a skinful before the game down at Mulligan’s but believed he was still half-sensible enough to bring joy and mirth to the youngsters who attended the replayed decider. Setting up his stall at the far side of the Healy Park goals, well away from the majority of stewards, McCaffrey charged the children £5 for a face-painting of their choice, or £7.50 for the face and a packet of crisps. One Eskra mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, was shocked when her little Johnny returned to his seat:
“I knew something was up when I escorted Johnny over to the face-painting table. The artist was slumped over and appeared to be throwing up lightly under the table, cursing the weather. I also spotted a bottle of spirits which I initially thought was for cleaning purposes. When my lad returned, the stadium erupted into uncontrollable laughter. Johnny had asked for the face of Batman. What he got was simply thick black paint completely covering his head, back and front. All you could see were his big white eyes. He even painted his tongue black. He looked nothing like Batman. I paid £5 for this.”
Disgruntled customers
As other children slowly emerged back from the stall, the damage was unfolding. Young girls who had asked for a pussy-cat faces came back as grotesque devil-like creatures. One elderly supporter needed cardiac resuscitation after being tapped on the shoulder by a young boy painted as a grim reaper. He’d also been given a scythe. After a dozen children returned as demonic terrors or with just an X across their face, a now extremely intoxicated McCaffrey had resorted to just brushing a single thick stroke across the child’s face, in black mostly, before chasing them away with his strong Cookstown brogue ringing in their ears such as ‘now feck away off back til Eskra.’
Tyrone GAA reps are looking into it.
What’s On In Tyrone: Oct 20-21
COOKSTOWN
Wife-carrying competition. All participants must register in the field behind the convent. Women must be over 12 stone and fully clothed. Distance 400 metres. Winner receives a token for a pint in Mulligans as long as they buy another. Sunday 9am.
STRABANE
Sat, 4pm. Tar-Barrel Racing. This annual event involves people racing through the streets of the town, carrying flaming wooden barrels of burning tar on their backs. This ancient game has been a staple feature of Strabane life since 1888 when John McElhinney was convicted of stealing his neighbour’s underwear from her line and made to walk through the town carrying a tar barrel alight. Patron please take notice that there’ll be no medical facilities on offer.
BALLYGAWLEY
This weekend sees the return of Plough Sunday, a day when ploughmen traditionally blacken their faces with cow clap (or manure) and dance up and down the Whitebridge Road singing “Hickory Dickory Dock”. No one knows the origin of this but people flock from all over to see these strange customs. Stalls will be on display, showcasing homegrown Ballygawley produce such as grass, blackberries and sticks. Paudge Quinn will lead the dancing, heavily manured.
MOY
Diesel 0.002p Cheaper in Coagh. Crowds Flock.
An estimated 40’000 visited Coagh yesterday, including people from France, after the news broke that the local filling station had boldly SLASHED their diesel prices by 0.002p per litre. Queues were backed right up to Cookstown as drivers filled up anything they could to avail of the unexpected bargain at Henry’s Store on the Urbal Road. Declan Herbert, a retired gardener, took no time in stocking up on fuel:
“I got a text message from my neighbour and immediately thought someone must be dead. I couldn’t believe my eyes when he told me Henry’s had cut the clear stuff by 0.002p per litre. It was a dream come through. I threw the family into the back of the yoke and gave them all a barrel to look after. We must’ve taken 4000 litres back with us, spending the guts of £5000 but it was worth it. Christmas will be a bit bare this year in the house. There’ll definitely be no turkey but look at all that diesel. Now I just need to buy a diesel car and other dieselly stuff.”
Carnage in Coagh
Punters were dealt a slight blow though when paying for the bought diesel. At the till, they were informed of the small print which stated that for customers to avail of the 0.002p reduction, they had to purchase £20 at the hot food counter. Eyewitnesses confirmed reports that mini-riots broke out in the garage as families fought over cooked turkeys and Irish stew in order to reach the £20 quota. Shelf-stacker Gerry Turbett observed the scenes:
“There was carnage in there. People were in a bad mood already because they’d spent hundreds of pounds on diesel only to be told they needed to buy another £20 of meat. Tempers were frayed and I personally saw one woman battering another repeatedly on the ground with a leg of lamb. It was frightening. People were climbing over the counter and stuffing pork chops down their trousers etc before others got to them. Coagh was a quiet town and the only bad thing to happen here was when a fella was caught looking at his neighbour getting ready with a pair of binoculars, the dirty bastard. But, listen, you don’t turn your nose up at a 0.002p diesel sale. “
Henry McCracken released a statement yesterday thanking all customers for their purchases, claiming he’d sold £1.3m in diesel and £9000 in hot food during a 6-hour period yesterday. He added that you could buy two bottles of water for a pound today, as long as you also purchased 3 items from the hardware store.
Coalisland/Clonoe Clergy Raring To Court Women
It has emerged today that the clergy in Coalisland and Clonoe are to descend on Cookstown tonight to gather vital information on how to court and woo women. Following the recent revelation that Jesus may have been married all along, the priests in the East Tyrone parishes are waiting for the green light from the Vatican to begin chasing women.
“This is great news”, Fr Niblock told us. “The news about Christ has changed everything. If it was good enough for Him, well, it’s only a matter of time before Pope Benny gives us the go-ahead to get stuck into the blades. Myself and a couple of newer priests are hitting Clubland tonight to see how it’s done. As you can imagine we’re rightly out of shape. I get very nervous if I look at a woman even from a great distance. Funny, we were practising on each other last night, chat up lines and that, and it was a disaster. We haven’t needed to approach women since we were 14 and back then you’d be acting the hard man and ask things like ‘are ye ridin?’ That won’t work now I’m sure. We all bought aftershave today.”
Ready to go on the rip
Local women in the Coalisland area welcomed the news that the local clergy will possibly provide a fresh market in what they describe as ‘cat area’ for finding a man. 22 year old Eilish Chambers pulled no punches:
“Let’s be honest. The boys in this area wouldn’t be the best now. If you’re approached by a lad from the Washingbay Road or the Stewartstown direction you can guarantee three things: He’ll smell of diesel and cattle, he’ll just grunt instead of talking like a normal human and he’ll attempt to carry you under his arm instead of hand-in-hand. I’m sick and tired of courting fellas from here who just talk of twin cams, diffing and bulling. These priests will seem like Hollywood stars. I’m sure they’ll be a bit raw at first but give them a couple of weeks and they’ll get the hang of us. I pray to God every night that the Pope gives them the nod.”
The police are on standby tonight outside the Glenavon area as a backlash is expected from single lads from the lowlands. Although the clergy will be in civvies, the Munchie Militia have issued a statement that anyone who even just looks holy will get a kicking.
Plumbridge Police Smash Underground Black Pudding Ring
Poor Croatian Black Puddings
The remaining three members of the PBPB (Plumbridge Black Pudding Boys) are still said to be at large after a raid on their underground premises saw two arrested and a confiscated black pudding estimated value of around £120. The five-strong gang have been terrorising other black pudding vendors in the greater Plumbridge area since 2008, cornering the market on the blood-filled sausage. The recent tip off came about after one of the five let it slip to Fr Toner in confessions that he’d fallen out with his comrade over the bulk price of a recent shipment.
“I know confessions are meant to stay confidential but this was simply too big an issue. The poor quality of black puddings in Plumbridge recently has been unbearable. We’ve envied the Gortin and Crannagh lads eating away at their Cookstown Meats puddings whenever they wanted to. Here, with the market monopolised by the PBPB and their terrible Croatian import, life had been almost unlivable, especially in the morning. The clergy were no different. I dare any man, woman or child in The Plum to say they function well without a slap of black puddings in the morning. If they do, damn them to eternal hell.”
PBPB leader Jack Rafferty confessed to Fr Toner that relationships within the group were at breaking point over the pricing system. With the locals dependent on the group for their fix, some wanted to charge them £9.99 for 30g, three times the going rate for the Cookstown variety. This came soon after a previous fallout when Rafferty chastised one of their member for excessive strong-arm tactics. Fr Toner continued:
“Rafferty said there were holes already in the initiative after a junior PBPB member made a show of himself by staring threateningly at a traveling meat van in the area. Although it went unnoticed Rafferty knew some were getting too big for their boots by staring and all.”
Fr Toner said he won’t be revealing any other confessional secrets in case anyone was worried. He went on to claim that he’s put a curse on the on-the-run remaining members that they suffer from severe diarrhea for the next 12 months.
Ardboe Man Arrested For Directing Traffic Away From The Village
Ardboe poet, James Coyle, was seeking bail this evening after being arrested for illegal traffic directing near his own house, for the last four weeks. The frustrated writer admitted to buying “one of them luminous yellow work jackets and trousers” and getting up at 7am each morning to stop all traffic from driving through the centre of Ardboe for 28 consecutive days.
“I had a fair idea something was wrong,” local shopkeeper Henry Coney told us. “I hadn’t seen a car since August and had only sold 20 Irish News, 16 pan loaves, 3 bulbs and a few litres of milk since school started. I knew James was annoyed that no one had attended his open house poetry reading session in The Battery but what did he expect? The last poet in Ardboe was chased out of it for coming over that oul fancy talk. There’s no place for that here. Ghost oh, sure Heaney wouldn’t last thirty seconds here.”
Coyle at work
A close relative of Coyle told us of James’s recent heartache in recent months and can understand why he decided to deprive the rest of Ardboe of any trade.
“Coyle wasn’t good at the fishing and was fired from his job working for Quinn Construction because he couldn’t dig a hole. He’d also been turned down repeatedly by Cookstown District Council after applying for a fuel hardship grant, dog kennel registration, pig-letting license and a caravan site application. Then he took to writing poems and sent a hand-written invite to every house in Ardboe for a reading session in the pub and no one turned up. The Battery’s usually full on a Friday too.”
It now seems that Coyle decided if he wasn’t earning any money then the rest of Ardboe’s business people wouldn’t get a penny either. By simply standing on the road in to the village every morning with a shovel, yellow jacket and a stop sign, he directed every motor towards Brocagh since the 27th of August. He was arrested when, whilst he took a toilet break, the postman finally broke through to find out the roads were in perfect working order. Police arrived before he was almost lynched by local tradesmen who shouted abuse at him such as ‘the oul poety bollocks’ and ‘typical of them there Coyles’. The trial continues.
Flu Epidemic In The Rock Blamed On ‘The Brits’
An influenza episode which has ripped through the sleepy village of Rock shows no sign of abating today with the finger firmly pointed at ‘the Brits’ according to the regulars in McLernon’s Pub. At the time of going to print it was estimated that 300 of the 302 population had contracted the ‘flu with the only healthy bodies being an elderly English couple who live on the Cookstown Road.
“I’ve never seen the like of it”, a sniffling Gerry Gourley told us. “There’d be boys coming in here ordering half’uns and the snatters and slabbers would be tripping them. Their wholes faces would be covered in that oul shite, the eyebrows stiff hard from it. But sure it’s The Brits. You’re telling me it’s just a coincidence that the Scunthorpes up the road don’t have it? Pull the other one. They’re trying to break us.”
A Rock man, today
This is the latest in a line of local incidents in the Rock blamed on ‘The Brits’. The bad smell, a nest of dead sparrows, 3 broken bicycle chains, the rain, the poor quality coal, dog excrement at the football field and the overwhelming desire to attend cock-fighting has all been laid squarely at the feet of ‘The Brits’ despite the absence of a British military presence in the Rock for ten years now. A drunken Gourley added:
“We need to be vigilant. Them boys are capable of anything. Yesterday Mrs Tally nearly slipped on a half eaten KitKat left outside her back door and her snattered to the gills. Why would someone eat half a KitKat? Who would do something like that? The Brits, that’s who. Them boys are well fed with their big necks and all”
‘The Brits’ have refused to comment but we were told David Cameron is looking into it and was seen carrying a big folder with ‘The Rock’ written on it this morning.
Beragh Man With No Insurance Repeatedly Fools PSNI For 13 Years
A Beragh entrepreneur boasted yesterday of his ability to drive with no insurance, tax and ‘hardly any suspension on her’ since 1999. Paddy Jacobs, a clown/street entertainer in the area, has decided to ditch the motor for a new mountain bike he bought at a car boot sale in Trillick last week.
“Sure I’d only be traveling as far as Omagh or Cookstown for some child’s birthday party and the bike will do the same job. I was getting tired of hoodwinking the cops anyway. It’s time to come clean.”
Jacobs’ motor car.
Jacobs said he was often stopped by the police at the bottom of his loanan or on the Sheboy Road. He thinks they were sure there were no documentation for the vehicle he was driving and suspicious that there was no suspension at all.
“I’d see them rubbing their hands as I approached, like as if they’d finally got their man now. Sparks would be flying from the back of the Datsun. I’d be all nice and give them my faded licence. As they were squinting to make out my name and address, I’d quietly lift the mobile phone and phone the police to say that there was an on-going robbery somewhere close by. I was whispering like. It’d be phoned through to the cop in front of me and he’d be away like a shot. I’d just wind her up and drive off. I did the same trick over 300 times.”
Jacobs claims he’d change the nature of the prank phone call each time, from a bank heist to sheep rustling.
“There was one time they arrested the parish priest because I phoned through that he was leering at the female cooks in the school canteen. He was in the middle of devotions when they nabbed him and still took him to Omagh barracks. It got a bit silly at the end. I recently fooled them into driving to find a well because I said someone was pishing into it. There is no well in Beragh.”
The Beragh entertainer says he’ll not be getting a helmet for the bike and doesn’t know what an MOT certificate looks like.
Loughmacrory Man Caught With Clear Diesel
Shamed Loughmacrory surgeon Peter Whittle has vowed to clear his name after being accused of using clear diesel in his Vauxhall Zafira on the Omagh to Cookstown road last month. In the first of its kind in the greater Loughmacrory area, Whittle was dipped as he made his way to Cookstown to buy a pair of ill-fitting jeans for a dance from a Pakistani merchant on one of the stalls at the world-famous market, and was found to be completely innocent.
“I was being flashed at by cars for about half a mile so I slowed right down to 80 thinking them bastards had the hair drier out. It wasn’t until the traffic came to a standstill that I realised they were dipping. My life flashed before my eyes as I knew I was on the clear, legit stuff.”
Whittle was clean, unfortunately
For fear of serious slagging if the word ever got out, the Loughmacrory medic tried everything to convince the PSNI that he was a hardcore red-diesel dealer in order to save face.
“I threw everything at them. I even gave them the address of my farmhouse hidden around the back of my garage which is packed to the rafters with red, green and all manner of dyed fuel even though I own no agricultural machinery at all. I fix legs for feck sake. I also admitted I was making poitin and was, in fact, half-cut at the time. They just laughed and said ‘you’re clean’ and told me to drive on. Most of Loughmacrory were pulled over at the side of the road and getting details taken. They just shook their heads as I drove past. I was mortified. In order to mend my family’s fine name, never again will I go legit.”
Whittle’s immediate family refused to comment but one uncle did remark that he wasn’t surprised at the news as “young Peter was always a bit odd like that. The sort of boy who never worked whilst signing on. Wouldn’t marry the cousin. His shame knows no bounds.”
Cookstown Man Doesn’t Like Sausages
Outrage and anger engulfed Cookstown last night after a 66-year-old man was heard to say he didn’t like sausages. The remarkable outburst occurred as an elderly woman sauntered past Sheehy’s Chippy on Sunday morning after visiting her uncle and overheard a discussion between a Brazilian tourist and local man Seamy Gas.
Mary Mulligan told us:
My hearing aid had been turned up as my 115-year old uncle can hardly speak, so I heard the whole lot. The foreign lad was asking if this was where George Best ate his sausages. Seamy shrugged his shoulders and I distinctly heard him say “sure how would I know, I hate the hoors”. He then gave him the middle finger.
As the man says….was Bestie wrong?
Mulligan told anyone she met for the remainder of the journey of what happened, even knocking on the doors of families she didn’t know. Within an hour, up to 1000 men, women and children formed a mob and stormed through the centre of the town holding lighted blackheads and carrying banners with slogans such as ‘sausages are deadly’ or ‘you’re fuckin dead meat, Seamy’.
Late last night Mr Gas was holed up in his flat outside the Greenvale with over 5000 protesters gathered on his lawn and back field. The police refused to intervene with one PSNI constable telling us, “you reap what you sow. He has made his own bed. If there’s a riot, there’s a riot”. Mr Gas’s lawyer has issued a statement claiming Mrs Mulligan heard it wrong and that Mr Gas will eat a whole plate of sausages in the town square to appease the locals.
Tyrone Tribulations 