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Council to Remove ‘Kill’ From All Tyrone Place Names. ‘Doesn’t Sound Nice’.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
East Tyrone Council last night confirmed that it intends to phase out ‘Kill’ or ‘Kil’ prefixes or suffixes to all place names in Tyrone over the next 12 months, and replace them with ‘something nicer’.
Over-excited councillor Paddy Donnelly explained the thinking behind the idea.
“Places starting with ‘Kill’ is a hangover from the times when people were cuttin’ the lining out of each other during the times of the pollan fish riots and such like. We’re more civilised now. It’s time to move on”.
Pointing out the fact to Donnelly that ‘kill’ is a derivative of the Irish ‘cil’, meaning ‘church’, was met with scepticism.
“What? Don’t take me for a mug. What’s churches got to do with killing each other, except when it comes to getting out the car park after mass on a Sunday? ‘Kill’ frightens young children and old people, plain and simple. I’ve seen pensioners quaking in their shoes walking into Killyman. And what about people’s human rights? They might get all intimidated and start thinking of killing and death and stuff. We’d get the blame if someone suddenly went mental with a big stick in Kildress and slaughtered pets. Or should I say, ‘Quaredress’.
Under the proposal, all place names that start with ‘Kill’ or ‘Kil’ are to be replaced with nicer, more tourist-friendly words. From 1st January 2014 ‘Killeeshil’ is changed to ‘Lovely-leeshil’ and ‘Killyclogher’ becomes ‘Prettyclogher’.
“Think it through”, insisted Donnelly. “Tourists will love coming into Kissyman. We’ll be fightin’ off Americans off with a stick. It sounds deadly. So does Drumnacuddly. If them ones in Derry can mess about with all their ‘London Stroke Derry’ stuff, we can do the same. It’s a winner”.
The initiative coincides with a re-vamp of the Tyrone Tourist Board advertising campaign. The previous slogan which has been used since 1987, ‘County Tyrone: For All Your Bog Requirements’ will be replaced in 2014 with the more welcoming, ‘Come To Tyrone. You’ll Never Get Better’.
Council Plan To Spend Entire Aborted A5 Road Budget On ‘Deadly Session’ For Tyrone
Bono for Tyrone?
By Shengas McGlumphie
Leaked plans from a source within Dungannon & South Tyrone Council have revealed that the Council is planning to spend the £400m budget, originally earmarked for the A5 road extension, on a huge party for the 150,000 lucky residents in Tyrone. An anonymous source told us:
“We were going to get the money taken away anyway so we might as well use it on something. We’ve not done the sums yet on how much it works out at per resident because our calculators don’t go to enough decimal places, but it should be the price of a whole clatter of pints for every man, woman and child”.
The original expectation was that the funds would be withdrawn and used elsewhere in Ireland or the EC for other projects. However, the source said that officials discovered that they can re-classify the £400m expense from ‘A5 Road multi-million pound upgrade’ into a category called ‘Miscellaneous Expenses’ without anyone noticing.
Plans are already underway to have a one-day celebration of all that is good about Tyrone, including Irish dancing, bull-fighting, tyre-kicking, dwarf wrestling, diffing, laundering, slagging, passing down clothes and St Bridgid’s Cross weaving. The leaked 10-point document outlines the plans for the event which will be organised by the Council, expected to take place mid-August:
- ‘Mad Musical Spectacular’, better than Band Aid. Featuring band made up of Bono, Philomena Begley, Paul McCartney and Dennis Taylor. Follow up with charity recording The Mountains of Pomeroy, featuring Sting on the spoons. Get Lady Gaga if Philomena not available.
- Derrylaughan to be re-classified as 2013 City of Culture. Persuade people in Derry that them getting it was an admin error.
- Get Derrylaughan re-classified as a City
- Free Moy Park chicken for every Tyrone resident. Utility bill as proof of address required. Cookstown Sausages instead for any vegetarians.
- ‘All Star Football’ featuring 1986 Tyrone versus the 1966 England World Cup Team
- Fly Pope and entourage over for the day as special guest of honour. Use Easyjet to keep cost down but agree to pay for Easyjet Meal Deal for Pope only, to include sandwich, Pringles and bar of chocolate of His Holiness’s choice.
- A lock of pints for every resident. Get Costcutters to do a deal.
- Free sick bag for every family.
- Bulldoze Asda in Cookstown. Build 3,000-foot statue of Peter Canavan.
- Bribe BBC producers for Tyrone to feature on ‘Lesser Spotted Ulster’ every week for next 5 years
The day will be hosted by Ant or Dec, whichever is cheaper.
Brackaville Pensioner Still Incurably In Love With Joe Brolly
The dreamboat
Brackaville pensioner, Hillary Kelly, tonight confirmed she can find no cure for her fascination and deepening obsession with the Dungiven GAA analyst, Joe Brolly. The 81-year old, a former Miss Wrangler Jeans 1955 at Corr Hall in Clonoe, admitted she sends RTE five letters a day addressed to the former Derry county player filled with poems and items from her underwear drawer. Kelly, who never married and still holds out that her big day might yet be around the corner, maintains they’re keeping the letters from Brolly as ‘he’d find me hard to resist’ if he read her poems:
“I sort of fell in love with the little imp around 1993 when he pranced around the fields of Ireland like a tiny ballet dancer with boots on. I remember swooning in the crowd when he blew kisses, delusionally believing they were aimed at me. Although I was 61 then, I could still put one of my legs behind my head – a party piece I’d do up at Campbell’s pub on Friday nights.”
Kelly went on to explain her infatuation with the bespectacled barrister:
“I have plastered three bedrooms now with images of my love, from magazines, newspapers and secret photos I’ve taken of him out shopping and stuff. How could anyone not adore the way he crunches his face up when thinking about a question, like a wee inquisitive otter or mink? OK, he may have gone grey a bit and lost the tussled black mop that hung majestically from his scalp as a player, like one of those Victorian dreamboats on any BBC adaption of a Bronte book. He should be called Joseph Lewesbottom or something. Sigh.”
This is not the first time Hillary has fallen for a TV star. In 1988 she was warned by Gardai about stalking Derek Davis and Gay Byrne at the same time. Kelly claims this is different:
“I can’t see me giving up on Brolly. How he makes me laugh. I’d just love to sit on his knee with a cup of tea. In fact, that was the first line of the best poem I sent him last night, along with the briefs I wore all last week.”
Locals claim she’s a harmless craytur but would tackle any fellow if he looked at her sideways. Meanwhile, RTE have refused to comment on the story although an insider tells us the panel are well aware of the lady, with O’Rourke and Spillane a bit peeved off they haven’t received anything.
Derrytresk Man Overawed By GAA Congress Experience. Took No Notes.
Kilpatrick, twenty minutes before congress
A Derrytresk representative at the GAA Congress in Derry came home with no notes and little notion of what actually happened. Sunday morning’s feedback session down at the Hill was hastily abandoned after it became clear that Mr Kilpatrick had underestimated the importance of the event. Derrytresk had tabled a motion that all county grounds should have official lockers for punters to store stuff in especially women with their handbags and other toiletries. Even though it was not expected to pass, Kilpatrick’s inability to recognise his own club’s motion didn’t help matters and it was resoundly defeated by a 100% NO vote which indicated that the Hill man himself also voted against it.
“Ah it was deadly confusing. We all met up the night before for a few drinks and I was a bit overawed to be talking to Brolly and Burns and that sort of boy. I slapped a pup’s feed of stout into me and the last think I remembered was singing ‘Will Ye Come To The Bower’ with Cuthbert Donnelly at 3am. I woke up like a bear and finally made it to the place just as the first motion was to start. They handed me this remote thing with a rake of numbers on it and with my head banging I was deadly confused and just started pushing buttons.”
When pressed on how the Derrytresk motion failed with a 100% No vote, Kilpatrick was brutally honest.
“Aye, I voted against our own motion. Sure by that stage I was retching and sweating with the thirst. All I could see were these boys with iPads and smartphones and red pens writing away with mad accents from all over Ireland and beyond. I knew I was out of my depth and just wanted out of there. By the time they asked me to speak on my motion I was fast asleep with my finger on the no button. I haven’t a clue what happened to be honest.”
One positive though was that he thinks Brolly said he’d present medals to lads if they won anything this year but can’t be sure if that definitely happened.
Eglish Man Breaks Lent. Lets Rip In Aftermath.
McGleenan, after losing to Eskra in 2011
An Eglish Pioneer, John McGleenan, has reportedly smashed his lenten promise in style and is currently ‘worse than ever’ at the cursing, according to his son who has decided to move to Cappagh. McGleenan had lasted over a week without a bad word emanating from his mouth until he heard the result from the Ulster Senior League match between his beloved Eglish and Magherafelt. A former reserve player and waterboy from 1986-1999, ‘Feckin’ John, as he’s called in the area, is a passionate and ardent St Patrick’s supporter but had recently been told to stop his match-going following a high blood pressure reading last month. Enda McGleenan, his 26-year old son and playing member of the senior team, knew his father’s lenten vow of a period of 40-days without cursing was about to end when he got home after the game.
“Ah as soon as the final whistle went I knew it was all over. In normal circumstances a draw in a friendly game with Magherafelt would be seen as acceptable progress, but not when my da’s concerned. He loses the bap completely if we don’t win. Last year we lost to Derrytresk and he locked me in the attic for five hours and burned down the outhouse. We thought the lent cursing thing would help him to curb his temper but it was simply a simmering volcano waiting to explode. 10 days of abstinence erupted yesterday. I muttered “9-all draw” when he asked. He simply set down his knife and fork and walked out to the yard. The next thing I saw was the dog yelping and hurtling through the spring Eglish sky, followed by a string of expletives I’d never even heard of. What is a ‘bollocksing shower of a hoor of a Derry bollocks’ anyway? Made no sense”
Reports suggest that McGleenan went on a rampage for the rest of the day, cursing vehemently at any passers-by regarding land, horse-meat, the Brits, Free-Staters, Europeans, the weather and spuds. 93-year-old Maisie Gildernew near fainted after hearing rude words she’d last come across when the Yank soldiers stopped off at the Brantry in 1942.
New Runner In Mid-Ulster Election. 1-2-1 Interview with Seamie McCloy.
McCloy campaign poster
Tyrone Tribulations were delighted to be granted an exclusive interview with Seamie ‘The Red Boy’ McCloy, an independent candidate for the Mid-Ulster seat, from Galbally.
WHAT MAKES YOU AN IDEAL CANDIDATE FOR MID-ULSTER?
Well, lucksee, I’ve been living in Mid-Ulster since I was born. I know all the roads. Manys a night I walked every road on my way home from Clubland or Dormans or even the Cohannon Inn after a night on the tear. I know every pothole and sheuk. Molloy might be a Tyrone man but sure he spent half his time helping them Fermanagh ones. I’ll not be doing anything of the sort. I’m a pure bred Tyrone man.
BUT YOUR CONSTITUENCY COVERS DERRY?
What? Does it? Well, if I’m elected we’ll be seeing about that. And we’ll be taking all of Ballinderry back too. That’s not to say I don’t want them Derry wans not to vote for me. Far from it. Get me in and you get your Derry back for yourselves. Tyrone and Derry have no business mixing with each other. McGuinness was cute about that. He took over when Tyrone were going well and pretended we were all the one. Not any more. A vote for me is a vote for independence.
SO WHAT IS YOUR MANIFESTO?
What kind of question is that? I’ve nothing to hide.
SORRY, YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME. A MANIFESTO IS A DECLARATION OF INTENTIONS IF YOU’RE EVER VOTED IN.
So what are you saying? I’m not intending on anything. I’m open and transparent. You hacks are slippery wee bastards.
OK. IF YOU ARE VOTED IN, WHAT CHANGES WILL YOU MAKE?
That’s more like it. Well, I’ve already told you about the geographical changes. Secondly, I will lower taxes on alcohol, smoking as well as offering financial relief for those caught doing the double or mixing fuel or things like that. They’re the real issues in Mid-Ulster/New Tyrone. I’ll also be asking for permission to stop cops who are stopping cars looking to dip. Turn the tables on them so to speak. Like a new B Special gang under my control. We’ll police the police.
YOU DO REALISE YOU CANNOT LOWER TAXES? ONLY WESTMINSTER OR STORMONT CAN AFFECT THAT.
That’s what you think. Vote for me. Vote for change. Vote for standing up to the man.
OK. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN PULL IN ENOUGH VOTES TO OUST MOLLOY, MCGLONE AND FRAZER?
Them boys wouldn’t have the balls to attempt what I’m going to achieve if I get in. I’m proposing an extra day at the weekend, possibly moving Thursday between Friday and Saturday. The working week will be Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and then Friday. Mondays will also move between Tuesday and Wednesday once a month to give a four-day weekend of Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. You’d get some work done around the house that weekend and still have time for a game or two and a slap of pints. I’ll also be taking five minutes off the journey from Dungannon to Coalisland by allowing buses to fly down the Coalisland Road towards the Bush at any speed they want. I’m thinking of redesigning the graveyards in the constituency by adding spooky music at night in order to attract horror film producers etc. I’ve loads of great ideas like this boy. A tax on red-haired people and priests who take more than forty minutes for a mass.
WHAT ABOUT THE FLAGS ISSUE?
Pressed concrete flags don’t bother me. They’re great for hopscotch for the childer. Anyone tripping on flags just needs to watch where they’re walking.
HAVE YOU A CAMPAIGN MOTTO AND GAMEPLAN?
I’m going to give the people of Mid-Ulster an American-style experience. I’ll be using women in bikinis picked at random from the Dungannon swimming pool to flank me on road tours, probably in the Toyota Corolla shouting at Shinners or Stoops. I’m inviting Molloy to a head-to-head bare-knuckle boxing match down at the Washingbay to raise money for a badger crematorium in Stewartstown, powered by coal bought up at Cappers at Tamnamore. My motto is, “Vote McCloy X. He’ll buck it into them.”
Tyrone Tribulations 