Monthly Archives: December 2013
UN Peacekeeping Forces Rejoice At Derrytresk Relegation
UN forces ‘on the tear’
Hervé Ladsous, the United Nations Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Operations, admitted today that his committee ‘went on the rip’ in Brussels after it emerged Derrytresk had fallen to the Junior division after a one-point defeat to Newtownstewart on Saturday in Greencastle. Fears that a derby match next year between The Hill and Derrylaughan would stretch their resources to the limit were so heightened that an International Committee secretly met in a mid-European location on Saturday and watched the events unfold live by Russian satellite.
Ladsous, the 63-year old French General, said:
“It was looking hairy at one stage. When the Hill went seven up in the second half, we were just about to press the button that would mobilise 100’000 troops immediately for a 6-month intensive training session. We feared the worst. That German woman was calling Newtownstewart all the names of the day. The Japanese suggested nuking Greencastle before the final whistle but thankfully Mayse got his arse into gear, much to the delight of the Koreans who are big fans of St Eugene’s.”
Ladsous admitted it was a bitter-sweet result for him:
“To be fair, I’ve a soft spot for The Hill ever since they turned over Dromid Pearses in that infamous handbag game. The media attention that ensued took the spotlight off a major cock-up we made in the Middle-East. So I had a bit of a lump in my throat as the Chinese and Canadians danced the night away drinking Black Russians.”
Ladsous added that they’re still on amber-alert with the impending Derrytresk-Brocagh game but hoped they would sort themselves out with a traditional slappin session down at Castlebay the day after.
East Tyrone People Closely Related To Baboons
Artist’s impression of Washingbay man around 2000 years ago
Scientists in America have confirmed that recents tests show residents of East Tyrone are even more closely related to baboons than what had already been suspected. Professor Kenny Cullen, from the Institution of Biology and Genetics in Boston, spent five months in Ardboe after a year-long stay in Zambia. He is convinced that at around the time of Jesus, there were more baboons on the loughshore than humans.
“Yes, I’m totally convinced now. I enjoyed my time in Ardboe but I could easily have been in the jungles of Zambia and Tanzania. The similarities of the baboon community and everyone from Pomeroy eastwards was remarkably similar. Physically, both sets of males have powerful jaws, thick body hair and sharp teeth. The women on both sides have protruding buttocks which they use to impress the males, especially around Brocagh. That’s only the tip of the iceberg.”
The biological togetherness doesn’t end there. Prof Cullen also noticed a remarkable alikeness for behaviour:
“They both like running about aimlessly in open fields, hunting in packs for food at any time of day and night, eating a lot of fish and grass, and showing aggression by stripping their teeth and screaming or smacking their own lips. In Derrylaughan they beat their chests when not getting served in time in Falls’ shop or pub. It’s quite remarkable.”
Cullen admits that East Tyrone humans have evolved somewhat in order to fit into a more civilised world without shocking visitors from the west or other communities.
“Fortunately, the human variation has modified their behaviour somewhat. For example, the East Tyrone male does not attempt to woo a partner by grooming their target and eating any nits they find on her mane. One Coalisland human tried that at a disco in Cookstown and was met with a swift and painful handbag whelp across his face.”
Professor Cullen is to embark on another 10-years mission to discover the links between West Tyrone locals and wild feral dogs.
Misunderstanding Of Visiting American Causes Tyrone Locals To Lose The Bap
Typical Tyronnies
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A visiting American has upset a number of people after allegedly making remarks about residents of the county.
Randy Beckerson from Wisconsin, America, was visiting Clogher to conduct some family research, and is believed to have made some passing comments about the favoured activities of residents in Tyrone.
“How dare he accuse us of being obsessed with cars, stealin’ fuel, and the weather”, said 38-year old Tommy Boyce from Trillick as he furtively siphoned 300 litres of fuel out of an oil tank on the Killyfuddy Road. “That’s a racial slur that is. And he never so much as mentioned bacon, diffin’, lickin’ plates, or the price of a bale of hay. Jaysus, there’s nothing like a nice piece of crispy bacon. Anyway, if he wants to come over here with his hamburgers and his loud clothes and his milkshakes and his, ‘Hey y’all’ and ‘Howdy pardner’, then that’s up to him. But we’d never stereotype Americans like he’s done with us. It’s a disgrace”.
Carla Gervin from near Garvahey agreed.
“He’s made us out to be a bunch of culchies from the hills, like the Flintstones or something”, she said, struggling to control two pigs that she had tucked under each arm. “And he was deadly rude as well. I asked him if he had any string I could use to tie up the pigs because I forgot to bring some, and he told me I should get a fanny pack. Jaysus, I was only askin’. There’s no need for that sort of language”.
Beckerson however appeared puzzled by the furore.
“Most of them Ty-rone folks are just peachy. I was in a lil’ diner in Clocker that had a speakeasy out back, and I was getting on just swell with the fellers. But then I ordered up a whiskey and the bartender dude told me that the Bushmills was ‘Deadly’. Well of course I reckoned if it was gonna be poisonous I’d take a raincheck, so I ordered Bell’s instead, and then he said ‘Grand’. A grand? I ain’t gonna pay no jackass a thousand bucks for no shot of whiskey. So he got all uppity and suddenly he shoved my ass onto the sidewalk. Enough already. And I ain’t been doing no stereotyping. These sorts of things don’t exist”,
he said, before spitting an enormous wad of tobacco into a spittoon.
Beckerson caused further consternation last night when he popped into Costcutters in Galbally to buy some gum, where he greeted the shop assistant with a cheerful, ‘Hey, I’m Randy’.
Carrickmore Husband Warned Over Last Year’s Christmas Present Fiasco
Irish bear?
Despite a recent thawing in their relationship, Carrickmore mechanic Johnny McCann has been told to not repeat last year’s Christmas morning disaster after he bought his charity shop worker wife a £60 donation to a bear sanctuary in Kinsale Co Cork. Despite bears being extinct in Ireland for 3000 years, McCann believed it was a worthwhile cause in case a bear did come out of hiding and needed a warm spot to rest and feel safe:
“Yes, she went through me for a short cut. Because she’d started working in a charity shop, I thought she’d be all over this bear sanctuary idea. Didn’t turn out that way. She went clean berserk and then hit the sherry at midday. It was some handlin. Christmas Day massacre and we’re only talking now.”
Mary McCann, who also donates to Greenpeace and the RSPCA, hopes the message was loud and clear:
“The bear sanctuary was only the latest in a line of stupid Christmas gifts. The previous year he donated money to the Donemana Stamp-Lickers Society. I turned a blind eye to that as I do support the drive to bring back stamp-licking, but a bear sanctuary, in Ireland? I want diamonds, chocolates and overnight stays in fancy hotels. If I’m donating again this Christmas he’ll have the sprouts shoved somewhere awkward.”
Meanwhile, women of Derrytresk are bracing themselves for the New Year after amazon.com confirmed they’d made over 300 deliveries of suspenders and stockings to men in the area. A spokeswoman for the Derrytresk Female Society warned Royal Mail that there’ll be a lot of returns going out on December 27th.
Codology To Be Studied At Dungannon Met College
Experienced eejitry
The Southern Education and Library Board have denied the accusation that they are offering soft qualifications after Dungannon Met announced that from September 2014 a BTEC First Diploma in Codology which will be worth 4 GSCEs if successfully completed. The new course, which will be monitored closely by education boards across Europe, proposes to vigorously examine 16-18 year olds on all aspects of Codology including modules called ‘Acting The Clift’, ‘Bollocksing About’ and ‘Eejit Studies’.
Lecturer Francie Moore from Carnan reckons it will give local Tyrone youths a fine grounding on life before they’re tossed out into the real world:
“Yes, Codology is possibly the most important life-skill a fine young Tyrone woman or man should master before they get their hands dirty with trades or office work. When I was growing up we were forced to learn about codology from probably the age of two. I remember acting the bollocks in P2. These young ones nowadays are well into their 20s before they get to grips with being a clift with any degree of accuracy. Tyrone will be a better place for this course.”
Local sceptic and Newmills greengrocer Johnny Adams remains unconvinced that we’ll see any improvement in general skulduggery in the county:
“I can’t see it. In previous years I’d lose about £400 worth of sweets to thieves per month as well as about £200 worth of damage. Lads and lassies now can’t be bothered to bollocks about and have their heads constantly in phones. This is a waste of taxpayers’ money. You need to pump funds into the primary schools to make sure full blown codology is ingrained by the time they hit the big school.”
The first module called ‘Acting The Lig or Jack’ involves students wrecking about outside the Fort, stealing traffic cones and slagging family members. Their final module after two years involves a 3-hour exam on ‘Being a Complete Frigger’.
Remarkable Series Of Protests In Coalisland Between Psychic and Church
Coalisland hit the international news circuit this week when the cast and crew of Fr Ted found themselves caught up in a series of protests and counter protests in the town. The shenanigans revolves around the appearance of a well known psychic at the local theatre, Madame Rizzle, who has almost sold out a whistle-stop 4-day tour of the area.
Local worrier, Seamus McBonzo from Brackaville, explained the concern from one section of the community:
“It’s a load of balls, like. These people make stuff up and rip off the vulnerable who want to time travel after watching Dr Who or something. Sure I contacted the Madame herself and asked her to tell me who’d win the play-off between Newtownstewart and Derrytresk this weekend. She said Derrytresk would win by five goals to three. Con artist. I’m happy to announce that Fr Dougal Maguire from Fr Ted as well as some other real priests will be protesting on the night. Down with this sort of thing.”
Fans of the psychic world have also planned a counter protest at the same time outside the local church. Self-proclaimed medium Henry McCann from Annagher says he’ll be there with his placards too:
“Preying on the vulnerable? Explain to me the difference between our Madame and Fr Nolan telling the poor of the town to throw their last pennies into a basket, and then him buying a baste of a house, three Lithuanian maids, a Merc and a couple of holidays to Tenerife. Some con artists in that organisation. Sure I went to confessions last year and made the whole stuff up. He hadn’t a clue. Down with this sort of thing.”
McCann claims that he has secured the services of Fr Jack from the Channel 4 show to protest using the authentic banners from Fr Ted.
The Vatican confirmed they will be monitoring the situation closely using PSNI CCTV and will use reinforcements from Maynooth if there’s a ‘slappin session’ between the protests. Madame Rizzle predicts a peaceful evening.
Mobile Phone Coverage ‘Isn’t What It Used To Be’ Complain Tyrone Residents
Better reception – goddammit.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A growing number of residents across Tyrone are making official complaints to mobile phone companies following the news that mobile phone coverage is steadily increasing and now covers 96% of the County.
“It’s tara”, grumbled 28 year old Ernest Johnson, an auto-pilot from Carrickmore. “My house was a blackspot for years. It was class. It gave me a great excuse not to call people back or to tell them I hadn’t picked up their voicemail. Now I’ve got no defence”.
Similar complaints have been made by other phone users, in particular about the former blackspot outside between Craigavon and Dungannon on the A4 which now has excellent coverage.
“It’s cat”, said Orla Milligan, a levitationist from Aughabrack. “I used to be able to time it nicely so that after five minutes on the phone to my ma I’d get cut off. Now I have to pretend and start shouting, ‘I’m going into a tunnel’. There’s no buckin’ tunnels there. The least them ‘uns at Vodafone can do is build one to help me out”.
Siobhan Fox, a panda trainer from Eglish, agreed.
“Round these parts we’re used to ending every call with ‘Hello?’ being yelled down the phone half a dozen times. This improved coverage isn’t good enough. I was on the phone to my brother for nearly an hour last night. Jaysus, that man talks shite. I ended up putting him on mute because a repeat of Lesser Spotted Ulster was coming on. Some handlin”.
One resident, Frank Cassidy, a part-time thief from Omagh, took matters into his own hands.
“Thon phone boys are cunning. They make these mobile phone masts to look like trees so you can’t notice them, but I’m wise to that. So I took a chainsaw to three of them up the Dooish Mountain. Huge feckers, about a 200 foot high. Turns out they were real trees after all. Come to think of it, they did look dead realistic”.
The Tyrone Society of Pub Quizmasters, which has 60,000 members, are staging a rally in Coalisland on Saturday to protest that people can now cheat at pub quizzes by sneakily Googling the answers under the table.
Tyrone Tribulations 