Category Archives: Derrylaughan
East Tyrone Women Frustrated By Missing Paddy Heaney Column
East Tyrone women, weak at the knees right now
70% of women in East Tyrone were said to be distraught this week following the decision by The Irish News to give Paddy Heaney a break from writing his column last Tuesday.
Heaney’s ‘Against The Breeze’ slot is said to be a firm favourite with women from Ballinderry right down to Derrytresk with sales on Tuesdays doubling that of a normal day, with some comparing it to ’50 Shades of Grey on tap’. Paddy’s dreamy middle-aged looks and suggestive smirk has long been the bane of many husbands in mid-Ulster, with any form of marital communication a write-off on a Tuesday. Mary Muldoon, a 45-year old school cook, maintains this has been the longest week of her life:
“When I woke up on Tuesday to find 32 text messages and missed calls on my phone I knew something was up. I could feel the blood draining from my forehead as the horrible truth was laid bare in front of me. Disbelieving, I walked down to the Spar to get the paper anyway. Alas, it was true. No Paddy Heaney this week. I only had to look around me to witness at first hand the effect this man has on us women down here. Bernie McGahan was crying at the meat counter. Denise Molloy was buying wine at that time of the morning. Two of the McGoreys were fighting over cooked ham. We all hit the drink by midday. It was carnage.”
Reports suggest that husbands and boyfriends frantically searched their recycling bins in order to placate their partners with old Tuesday editions of the paper but Muldoon admits it wasn’t the same:
“To be fair, my Harry tried his best to comfort me. But looking at old pictures of Paddy isn’t the same. We need fresh pictures, with the new smell of the paper wafting off his alluring mop of Oak Leaf hair. Oh Paddy, never do this to us again. Seriously, The Irish News need to give us a firm warning a few days beforehand that we’ll not be getting our Paddy-fix on any given week. Kitty Tougher from Brocagh drove the whole way to Belfast to sit outside The Irish News on Tuesday just to get a look at him, and him in Majorca probably with some oul money-grabbing bint.”
Heaney has yet to comment on his missing column but there was woman rejoicing along the loughshore this morning as he appeared in today’s paper, with Paddy reportedly looking particularly handsome.
Toilet Incident Sees Derrylaughan Tiler Marooned For Hours. Charges For Time Anyway.
An unfortunate toilet stop before the end of work saw a Derrylaughan tiler, Kirby McGrath, stuck in the upstairs bathroom of a neighbour’s house well into the late evening. McGrath was repairing a leaking sink and was about to red up at 5:30 after a full day’s work with the problem solved before disaster struck. The leak, caused by faulty sealant used by a young lad from the Windmill a couple of years ago, had been troubling the McMahon household for a few weeks. Leo McMahon takes up the story:
“Thon cowboy from the Windmill seemed to have just used superglue and painted white over it. The bathroom had been steadily flooding since Hallowe’en. I knew Kirby was the best tiler in Derrylaughan so I had no hesitation in getting him in to fix the seal. He arrived, as expected, just after nine and set to work, promising to grout a few tiles as well which had given way recently. I arrived back at five to find out how much I owed him and didn’t McGrath have it mended and was tidying up, such is his perfection. I was a bit surprised to hear him still tramping about upstairs at six o’clock though. I told the wife to dish the dinner out anyway. Half six came and there was still this commotion upstairs. I put it down to Kirby perhaps finding a few more loose tiles.”
The McMahon family became alarmed when eight o’clock came and passed and the same futtering about was heard above them.
“It was getting beyond a joke to be honest and I was concerned for Kirby’s wife and young family who were probably waiting for him to return with bread for the table. Time was money for me too. At a quarter to nine I was about to head upstairs to see what the problem was, only to be met with Kirby bounding down telling me he was finally finished. I gave him the money he initially asked for as well as the extra time added on. He speedily ran out which I found a bit odd as he’s usually a talkative lad. It was only after inspecting the job that it became obvious what the delay was. Thon hoor Kirby had made a last minute toilet stop at half five and sure wouldn’t the thing not flush. He must’ve spent three hours flushing that toilet to get rid of it. The toilet roll was piled up beyond the rim of the basin. The dirty bastard left some mess and smell, and charged me for it. Then didn’t the toilet flood.”
McGrath refused to take responsibility for the incident but did admit he had a big feed of black pudding that morning before he left the house.
McMahon’s bathroom that night
Derrylaughan Naval Base Plans Leaked. Ardboe On Alert.
Artist’s impression of Derrylaughan 2016
Leaked documentation has confirmed that Derrylaughan’s ambition to become a world power by assembling an impressive fleet of naval ships at their own base on Lough Neagh are at an advanced stage. Suspicions grew at the weekend following the plantation of 30-feet tall evergreen trees at the loughshore, covering from view any work being carried out on the warships or port at the Lough. This morning, the documentation shows they plan to assemble 10 aircraft carriers, 22 cruisers, 62 destroyers, 28 frigates, 3 littoral combat ships, 9 amphibious assault ships, 2 amphibious command ships, 9 amphibious transport docks, 12 dock landing ships, 53 attack submarines, 14 ballistic missile submarines, 4 guided missile submarines, 14 mine countermeasures ships, 11 patrol boats, and 1 ship for catching pullens.
Worried Ardboe fisherman Frankie McGrogan told us:
“We knew this day would come. Them fcukers down the road have been up to something for ages. I’d a fair idea it was on the cards when we played Derrylaughan down at the Washingbay earlier in the year. I heard some of their players refer to Admiral Cushnahan and Commander In Chief Carney during play. We’re on red alert. They’re going to plunder us first mission just like the Vikings did in 955. I’ve locked up the shed anyway. They can take our women and Brocagh.”
Admiral Cushnahan denied any knowledge of the plans and explained his new name:
“Ah now sure it’s only a bit of craic like. The boys call me admiral because I’m a big fan of butterflies and my personal favourite is the Red Admiral. As for them there plans you have, it’s just some bucko messing around – probably a school project. I’ll give them back to the Rear-Admiral, sorry, young lad. Listen, we have no designs on world dominance. There’s no way we could complete with the South Korea Navy. Their modern ships and amphibious capability with AEGIS technology would destroy us in a millisecond. And sure, how could we get them out of the Lough? It’d be some sight for the people of Toome to watch those ships pass down the Bann. Frightening. Powerful.”
Ardboe have moved to counteract these recent developments by building a big wooden boat with a giant-sized slingshot.
Derrylaughan Apply To UN For Independent State Status
Derrylaughan last night
Following the successful and historic vote on Palestine during the week, Derrylaughan have forward a motion to follow in the Palestinian footsteps in the hope of becoming an independent state with its own currency and language. The small loughshore townland claim they have been misunderstood and discriminated against for over a century, citing the fact that even Mickey Harte doesn’t pick Derrylaughan men for the county team apart from the odd one. Other gripes include bad roads, flooding, midges, lack of investment from American fast food outlets and the absence of a red light district. Harry Corr, a long-time Derrylaughan Seperatist Movement (DSM) member, explains further:
“The Palestinian lads have shown us the path to independence. Derrylaughan has always been treated as the dregs of the county. I remember a Lord Mayor of Dungannon, when asked in the paper how he’d better the county, saying that he’d raise the levels of the Lough to wipe out Derrylaughan so he wouldn’t be ate by midges going to a game down there. Well, fcuk him I say. Them there midges are a part of us, a bit like the aborigines and their didgeridoos. Even the Brocagh ones talk with marbles in their gobs and look down on us as lowland munchies all because Tom McGurk is on the TV. Enough is enough. I wrote a letter to the UN and got a lock of lads in Falls’ pub to sign it. We’re going to call ourselves ‘The United Kingdom of The Lowlands Formerly Known As Derrylaughan (UKOTLFKAD)’. We’ll have our own money, passports and language an all. A brothel is only a matter of time.”
The UN refused to pass comment on the possibility of success but the Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Hervé Ladsous did add “them boys have tried this before. Pat Kennedy filed for independence in 1981 after the county title, citing civil unrest with Derrytresk. We sent a 200-strong delegation only to discover it was a simple 2-man dispute over access to a rampart up near Kingsisland Church. It was a long drive from Brussels to listen to that.”
Corr has already devised a flag for UKOTLFKAD and an anthem called ‘They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out’.
Draft of New Flag
Derrylaughan Lotto Still Not Won After 15 Years
Who wants to be a millionaire?
Probing questions have been beginning to circle around the Clonoe Parish area after it emerged that no one has won the Derrylaughan lotto since its inception in 2001, even the £50 for three numbers. With last week’s winning numbers of 1,2,3 and 4 bringing the tally to 750 weeks without anyone winning more than a tenner for two numbers, punters are asking if this is the toughest lottery in the world.
Asking a £5 entry fee, the Kevin Barry’s lotto is one of the steepest in the entire country, with sellers targeting long distances from Moortown to Majorca. Ballinderry man, Jody McGuigan, summed up the current inquisitive mood:
“With the jackpot now standing at £1.3m it’s hard not to do the Derrylaughan lottery. Like, our own one is about £900 and any time someone wins it you can be sure it’s a McGuckian or a Muldoon. But there’s something funny going on down the shore. I remember reading in the bulletin once that the numbers for the Derrylaughan one was 13, 34, 41 and 66. Sure the buckin envelope only goes up to 26 numbers. I spotted it but said nothing for fear of being sent to the mad house again.”
McGuigan decided to pay a visit to Derrylaughan last Sunday to see if his suspicions were with substance. What he saw will live with him for the rest of his life.
“I went down to watch Derrylaughan play Dromore and had a sniff around. I just wish I’d taken my camera. The clubroom was akin to something you’d see in the Slieve Russell. There were butlers from Derrytresk, maids from Brocagh, a fancy reception where you were given an ash tray of nuts if you sat down at all. The toilets had golden railings and the toilet roll was some kind of velvety tissue from Japan. The car park was full of Mercs, BMWs, 2010 Nissans and boys walking around with bicycle clips on. I saw the chefs making the aftermatch meal of ‘lobster and Mousseline of pattes rouges crayfish with morel mushroom infusion’ and that was just for the away team.”
Derrylaughan Lotto committee chaiman, Michael Saggart, refused to comment and just encouraged people to keep dreaming of that £1.3m prize money before instructing his driver to bring him to somewhere that sells crowns.
Practical Joke Goes Wrong In Derrylaughan. Cattle Massacred.
An innocent attempt at a practical joke has ended in bloodshed as Katie Quinn’s entire herd were murdered in cold blood last night on the shores of Lough Neagh. With the hunting season in full flow, a group of shooters from Urney arrived in Derrylaughan after the news spread across the country regarding a gang of ravenous foxes who had been wreaking havoc around the general lowlands area. Quinn had been approached by the eldest in the Urney crowd, Larry Turner, to see if it was OK to shoot on her land.
“I thought it was good manners to ask permission. To be fair, Katie was very forthcoming and said that as long as we didn’t dung all over the place we were free to let loose on the foxes. She made one request though. I’d noticed a rancid-looking donkey standing behind a wall before she even mentioned it. She said that whilst we were out shooting, would we put a bullet into the donkey as it was too old, blind and lame and she hadn’t the heart to do that to Joxer who’d been in the family since Halley’s Comet visited in 1986.”
Joxer met his maker
Turner thought this was an opportunity to take a hand out of his fellow-shooters and told them that Katie had denied them the chance to shoot on their land. He also added that she was abusive towards them and said Urney was a hellhole full of wasters and bolloxes. He proceeded to tell them that he’d teach her a lesson and shoot her donkey. Little did they know that this was a prior arrangement between Quinn and Turner. Katie takes up the story:
“At first I thought he was a handsome young man. We came to an agreement that they could shoot on my land as long as they shot my poor Joxer. It was either them or the knackers yard in Coalisland and I wouldn’t give that shower a penny. I heard the shot and looked out to see poor Joxer drop to the ground, on his way to his eternal rest. What occurred afterwards will live with me forever.”
As it turned out, Turner was so convincing that, when he shot the donkey, the rest of his crew shot indiscriminately at all the cattle in the field in order to reinforce their anger at her supposed rudeness. The destruction was unimaginable as the field was strewn with murdered cows. One cow survived the ordeal and is currently receiving trauma rehabilitation. The Urney lads were chased down the Reenaderry Road but escaped up through Tamnamore.
This Weekend In Tyrone
A guide to What’s on in Tyrone for the weekend Sat 6th – Sun 7th October:
Suckin Diesel Debut In Clubland
New Moortown band – Suckin Diesel – make their first public appearance in Cookstown tonight. Describing themselves as a mixture of Eileen Donaghy music rapper-style classical jazz, the loughshore boys use only tools they picked up in one of their da’s sheds. Paddy Quinn is lead singer and also plays the chisel. Francey Devlin is on empty crate, Mary Hagan is on hammer and hubcap whilst the joker of the pack, Red Harry O’Donnell plays the welding mask and spade. More Power To Your Elbow, move over! They will also perform in Cappagh beforehand (see below).
Pomeroy Train-Spotting Convention
Tomorrow sees the 19th annual PTSC extravaganza behind the Post Office in Pomeroy tomorrow morning at 8am sharp. Although no train has passed Pomeroy since the late 50s, fanatics still gather once a year with binoculars and sandwiches in case they catch a glimpse of one that was running late perhaps. For thrills and spills, come to Pomeroy tomorrow morning. No mention of the hill/mountain debacle allowed.
Seskinore Peter Canavan Lookalike Competition
Last year’s Canavan lookalike winner.
The third Canavan lookalike competition takes place in the parish hall in Seskinore tonight (9pm). Last year’s winner Harry Tully is a firm favourite to win it for the second time of asking. Last year’s victory was all the more surprising as Peter himself took part and only finished third. This year’s winner gets a pound of mince.
Cappagh World Record Attempt
This evening (7pm, chapel car park), Cappagh will have the Guinness World Record officials in the vicinity as Peter Hampsey attempts to suck the diesel from 40 cars in three minutes. Using just a bit of plastic piping and a bucket, he’ll attempt to drain over three dozen family vehicles by sucking the fuel and letting it low into the aforementioned container. Police are not welcome. Sucking Diesel will perform their hit record ‘Tramp On, Boss” during proceedings.
Derrylaughan Healing Weekend
Derrylaughan GFC are staging a weekend of healings and cures at their well-being centre on the edge of the lough. Using the powers of Lough Neagh and the mythical curing properties of the Holy River, organiser Dermot Brannigan claims all ailments are treated from bunions, verucas and facial warts to consumption, laziness and having quare notions. Entry is free and only a donation of £20 is required. All monies will be used to get water for the Holy River which dried up in 2001.
Derrytresk Consider Relocating To The West
Derrytresk Townland Committee have called an extraordinary meeting tonight to consider moving the whole area to somewhere west in the county, it has emerged in the last twenty minutes. Listing a plethora of reasons, it appears that the move could take place with immediate effect or at least before Christmas. Committee member Alfie Fitzgerald was adamant the motion will be passed:
To tell you the truth we’re sick and tired of living down here. For ten months of the year the whole place is flooded, turning the turf to shite. Then when the sun does come out for a few days the midges have you ate alive as well as any flowers or plants you foolishly attempted to grow. Add to that you have the roar of the M1 up the road and those bastards driving the trucks from Tamnamore to Cookstown taking a short cut through Derrytresk, bucking up the road which is re-tarmaced 10 times a year. Plus there’s that noise the Lough makes on a windy night. Who in their right mind would want to live here? We’re getting out. Derrylaughan is welcome to it. Them boys would live in their own mess.
Derrytresk yesterday
Information on where they’re moving to appears sketchy at the minute and how the actual shifting of Derrytresk to another part of the county will take place. Fitzgerald attempted to clarify the situation:
Sure it’ll be no bother. Tonight we’ll draw up the names of all the families in Derrytresk and they’ll receive a letter this week informing them of how and when to get to their new abode. If we have to shift houses brick by brick we’ll do it. Myself and another boy has spotted an area below Drumquin on the map with no name on it. We’ll move there. Listen, the positives outweigh the bother of moving. We’ll be closer to Bundoran for holidays and maybe Mickey Harte will start picking some of our lads. He doesn’t like the East you know. That’s another thing, we’ll be taking the pitch, Church and school as well as most of the blackberries that haven’t been infested with them there flies that are enormous this year.
Derrylaughan Townland Committee chairman welcomed the move, saying they plan to use the extra space to build some kind of Loughshore Visitor Centre to rip off the foreigners or people from the south.
Derrylaughan Woman Implicated In Turf War
The mystery of the missing turf from McAliskey’s rampart appears to be nearing its conclusion with the revelation that a local woman has been monitored early each morning walking ‘oddly’. A reported £48 worth of turf has been stealthily removed from the McAliskey land over the past three months with various families at war over rumours, speculation and random accusations. A violent field fight during the Washingbay Sports last month resulted in hospitalisations for the majority of the McNulty, Robinson, McAliskey and McGrath families from the area.
McAliskey, yesterday
However, it appears that a small piece of investigative journalism work has moved the conundrum towards the finishing line. 16-year old Gerdy Wallace takes up the story:
“I’d been taking the ass out for a walk every morning at 6 because it gets little real exercise during the day. Each morning, I’d meet Anna Cushnahan and thought no more of it. We’d nod our heads and just say ‘rightly’. However, I did notice she seems to have a bit of a limp. After a week I asked her if the legs were hurting. She told me to mind me ‘own effing business ye wee runt’. “
Suspicious, Wallace from then on kept a good eye on Cushnahan as she approached. He thought he spotted strands of turf root hanging from under her dress. He also noticed her hands were filthy and her backside seemed rather bulky as she passed.
“I can’t be sure but I’m almost certain that Anna has been stuffing two, possibly three, sods of turf down her knickers every morning. My da told me that her great great grandfather was caught stealing about a pound’s worth of peat on the same patch of land in 1856 not too long after the famine and was transported to Van Dieman’s Land.”
Cushnahan refused to comment but a loyal neighbour said that Anna’s clan always had a strange walk, “like a drunk peacock.”
Tyrone Tribulations 