Category Archives: Coalisland
33 Stewartstown Motorists Fined For Picking Nose In Traffic
Suggested driving gear for Stewartstonians
Over thirty Stewartstown women and men were fined this evening on their way out the Lisnastrane Road following a PSNI sting on blatant public nose-picking motorists.
Labelled ‘Operation Neb’, the police service landed £30 on the spot fines to the wannabe Christmas shoppers within an age range of 17-81. The action was taken after a rash of complaints since the summer regarding the upsurge of loose-fingered drivers, especially those driving Astras. Superintendent Mark Delilah explained:
“We’d been inundated with complaints from Coalisland and Cookstown residents in recent months regarding the chain of nose-pickers winding their way towards their towns to do a bit of shopping. Children were being chased into houses or alleyways by protective parents for fear they’d catch a glimpse of this monstrous habit. We simply had to act. Intelligence operators told us the residents generally left their houses around 7pm after dinner. Hiding in the hedge, we saw the initial few cars weave their way towards Coalisland and sure enough the first few were hoking around their snouts. Without hesitation we pounced, nailing 33 motorists. Hopefully that is the warning shot Stewartstown needed.”
Amongst the offenders was 75 year old Frances Dillon, a retired knitting machine operator.
“I was picking me nasal passage because I thought you had to. Any motor making its way to Coalisland from Stewartstown would have someone cleaning out their sniffer. I just believed it was compulsory in order to smell the delightful spices around Annagher or the Lineside. I’ll not be paying the thirty quid. They can stick it.”
Stewartstown Residents Society are considering blocking the Lisnastrane Road tomorrow in a show of solidarity for the accused, especially Fergal Tennyson so was fined £60 for scratching his arse at the same time.
Coalisland Crowd Storm Brackaville Demanding Removal Of Flag
A tense Brackaville, earlier.
Inspired by the goings on at the City Hall in Belfast earlier in the week, a group calling themselves the Coalisland Restoration Appreciation Party (CRAP) have stormed the Brackaville Social Club tonight, demanding that the Brackaville Owen Roes flag hanging from the guttering is removed before Monday morning or they ‘take her down’ themselves. CRAP spokesman, Jab Herron, claimed they were willing to tolerate the flying of the flag in the midst of the local club’s failed assault on the Ulster title but now that it was at an end, there was no reason to keep it up.
“It’s bloody ridiculous. Brackaville is really the outskirts of Coalisland. We call it inner-city Coalisland where the shanty town type families scrape together a living by doing odd jobs like collecting golf balls. Now and again we do tours out to Brackaville for the Primate Dixon ones to show them what happens if you don’t do your sums and learn the english. Recently, we discovered that a few Brackaville residents were making forays into Coalisland under the cover of darkness. They were probably drinking the slops in bars or hanging around the back of Landi’s for scraps. We need to be vigilant about that. However, this flag flying craic must stop. Sometimes we have to travel through Brackaville to get to other places. We don’t need to see those dirty flags goading us. Provocation, all from a movement to follow a team bate by a river in Armagh.”
Brackaville Disaster Fund spokesman, Harry Gillis, sees it differently.
“Them fcukers would paint over us if they could. We are Brackaville. We are a people. This great run that the Owen Roes lads performed was a real lift for the community. Ok, we’ve had to start us a disaster fund to cover the expenses of every family in Brackaville heading to the final last week, but we can survive without tourism from the Island. We have the golf course and a lock of other lads doing stuff like welding. Them hoors are just jealous that we had Sean McNally, probably the best footballer in Tyrone ever after Iggy Jones. We shall not be moved. The flag stays. No surrender.”
CRAP have given Brackaville 48 hours to comply or they will dam Barrack Street, cutting off vital supplies like soda bread and the Irish News.
Obama For Ardboe. Secret Footage Found
The following video was forwarded to us by an anonymous emailer.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/13985364/obama-heads-for-ardboe
What’s On In Tyrone This Weekend – Nov 1st-2nd
COOKSTOWN
PARADE OF THE ELEPHANTS – Barney Eastwood and Jimmy Cricket lead the annual Parade of the Elephants at 10am Saturday morning. These fine creatures, 9 in total, live on the Tullhogue side of the town and are native to the area. They are a distant relative to the elephants you’d see in programmes about Africa and barely survived the hose pipe ban of 1995. Young children at risk from being excreted on so caution needs to be exercised.
COALISLAND/CLONOE LEAGUE FINAL
Edendork will witness the coming together of Coalisland and Clonoe people – a must-see event (Sat 2pm). The East Tyrone diaspora are a uniquely indigenous people, many of whom haven’t set foot out of a 15-mile radius of the area apart from going to Nutt’s Corner in the lead up to Christmas. Sit back and watch how they interact using one-syllable words. Witness their jeans and tucked-in jumpers – a real heart warmer. Observe how they manage to throw a pound into the turnstyle and get away with it by employing a pretend innocent ignorance that you had to pay in at all. Get there tomorrow before they start watching Friends and change.
OMAGH
Celebration of Polygamy. The marriage of one man and several women or one woman and several men, is prohibited in modern day Omagh, but only in the first weekend of December and must be terminated by St Stephen’s Day. The great Seamus McMahon, the oldest living functional man in Omagh, is said to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Sunday polygamy service starts at 4pm Sunday at Healy Park.
STRABANE
Baler Twine Belt Competition. Sunday 9am sees the inaugural baler twine belt event. Men and women will parade down the main street in their Sunday best with only baler twine holding up their modesty. Best twine judged by Hugo Duncan and Jimmy McGuinness.
Coalisland Man Says He’ll ‘Take The Head Clean Off’ Early Merry Christmas Wishers
Kerr has no time for this blade
A likeable Coalisland photographer, Olly Kerr, has threatened the rest of the town with the ultimate revenge if they are heard to wish him or anyone else a Merry Christmas, or even talk about the festive period, before December the 18th.
Kerr, known for his charitable acts and friendly banter, appears to have snapped early this year, pasting notices of the threat outside most retail businesses in the area.
The notice, in shaky red writing, reads:
“I hereby announce that anyone mentioning the word ‘Merry’ and ‘Christmas’ in the same sentence in the vicinity of my presence will leave the same company with their head taken clean off them, before December 18th. Signed Olly Kerr.”
An agitated Kerr has since told us:
“I’d like to add a bit to that earlier statement. I’d want to inform all shop owners or public houses in the greater Coalisland area that if I walk in and hear that Mariah Carey shite ‘All I Want For Christmas’ blasting out, all they’ll want for Christmas is new stock because I’ll fooking wreck the joint. I’m serious about this. I’ve already smashed my sister’s 50 inch HD TV to smithereens after that ‘Holidays Are Coming’ Coke advert came on during Countdown. I don’t apologise for my actions. Coalisland is the perfect place to live 11 months of the year. You can miserably dander around the town knowing everyone else is as miserable as you. Then people lose the run of themselves for a month and pretend they’re happy whilst being crippled with burgeoning debt and preparing for a harrowing, hard and hungry January. Well, not on my patch. You’ll just hear the slap.”
Kerr has already clipped a hapless schoolboy for whistling Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer on his way to school up the Brackaville Road last week. Young Harry Gervin (8) says a semi-naked Kerr came running out of his house ‘like some mad demented buffalo’ and gave him an accurate skite across the earhole, having heard the whistling from his opened window in the upstairs bathroom.
Meanwhile, the PSNI’s application to turn on the Coalisland Christmas lights this year will be heard by the Town Committee tonight at 9:00pm. The meeting will end at 9:02pm.
American Literacy Convoy Says Tyrone Speech is ‘Mysterious Language’
Is this man a ‘clift’?
The American Literacy Convoy to Ireland finished writing up its report yesterday having spent 32 days touring all the counties in Ireland. The most startling revelation is that they believe the lingo spoken in Tyrone is actually a separate and distinct language from English or Irish and is urging the Dublin government to either cherish and promote the Red Hand tongue or ban it completely.
Early indications suggest the Dail is thinking of outlawing the dialect with stern punishments for any Tyronnies heard speaking it outside of their own county, especially in Dublin or Kildare. A government spokesman told us:
“We weren’t expecting anything to come from this – just an excuse for a few Yanks to come over to kiss the Blarney Stone and sink a few stout. It wasn’t until we reached the Tyrone section that we knew something was wrong. It seems that the Yanks couldn’t make head nor tail of anyone in Tyrone. We’d been saying this for years in Dublin. Around the All-Ireland period we hire Tyrone ex-pats to serve in the bars and cafes here so we can get these odd breed of northerners what they want.”
Dr Hillary Philpot, chief literacy coordinator in Obama’s government, was the first to spot the mystery language when he watched a man from Coalisland do a crossword in a bar in the town. He wrote the following:
“I watched a rather hairy and unkempt young man, about the age of 40, stare at a crossword intently. I studied him closely and he appeared to be stuck on the first clue. It asked for a 5-letter word meaning ‘a foolish person’. Knowing it was ‘idiot’ I waited for the penny to drop with the young gentleman. About 25 minutes later he exclaimed ‘Ah fer feck sake lak biys, howd a nat know thon’ and proceeded to fill out the answer. To my amazement he wrote ‘clift’. I’ve searched every dictionary since. No such word. He seemed rather pleased with himself.”
Kenny is to announce a bank of words not allowed to be spoken outside of Tyrone in order to contain the language up there. They include: tay, flure, dure, windee, bizem, yousuns, kkarrr, kkarrrpet, ggarrrdin, blade, coul, oul, houl and locka, . Also, when asked a question, the Tyronnies simply don’t say ‘yes or no’ e.g: “Are yousuns coming home?” – “We are”. From now on, a simple yes or no is required. The new measures are to be introduced in the morning.
Coalisland Man Caught Duping Doctor. High Blood Pressure Fraud.
O’Neill’s reading broke records
A Coalisland ex-barrister, Javier O’Neill, is in police custody tonight having been caught fooling the local doctor into claiming for incapacity benefit since 2008. O’Neill (56), officially ‘off on the sick’ at the time, was unveiled as a fraudster after the suspicious doctor admitted he had resorted to setting up CCTV cameras around the town to follow Javier’s movements. Dr Laverty told us:
“I hadn’t slept for weeks thinking about this man. He’d come in to the surgery once a month with a blood pressure reading completely off the scale. It was something like 300/200. In the history of medicine, a reading like this had never been recorded. Add to that, his pulse rate was 180 at resting point. No matter what dosage of tablets I put him on, he’d come back with the same readings. It was either a miracle or this boy O’Neill was a freak of science. Even if you had the weight of the world’s problems on your shoulders, you wouldn’t have these readings. This man should have been dead long ago.”
Doctor Laverty travelled the length and breadth of the planet in order to show off the Coalisland man’s readings to medical experts. Unable to find an answer and with the cream of the medical world asking to descend on Tyrone to witness this man in action, Laverty set up a couple of CCTV cameras around the town to capture O’Neill in his daily routine. Nothing showed up until the day of his appointment.
“I was about to admit defeat when I check the cameras just before his arrived. Suddenly I noticed Javier sprinting from the top of Platers Hill to the bottom, half an hour before the appointment. Then he’d run back up again. He did this 7 times in total, a remarkable feat for a 56 year old man. He’d then wipe the sweat from his brow, settle himself and come in for the appointment. That explains the reading. I did always smell sweat but that’d be typical of a Coalisland resident.”
His incapacity benefit of £500 a week was immediately stopped today and other high blood pressure cases are being looked into.
Tyrone Court Notices – October 2012
I SAID NO ONE MOVE
Two Stewartstown mechanics have been refused bail after a botched robbery attempt in the local Post Office. McKnight and Hobson were attempting to rob the popular PO during lunch time yesterday only to be foiled by a misunderstanding between the pair. McKnight shouted “b’jaysus, nobody move” after securing the doors tight. All staff and customers obediently stood still whilst his fellow robber moved to collect the money from the counter and was promptly shot in the leg by his nervous partner. Case adjourned until Hobson recovers.
A SLOW DAY
A robbery in Coalisland was foiled when police managed to arrest the villain after two hours from the commencement of the dastardly deed. Murray held up the town’s chip shop and tied up the owner only to find there were few takings in the till (£9.50). He proceeded to put on the shop’s overalls and worked for two hours serving locals chips, fish, mineral and sausages in order to boost his takings by which time the PSNI arrived and arrested him. The judged sentenced Murray to three months but commended him on his work ethic.
UNDERAGE ROBBERY
A canny Strabane off-license vendor saved the day after an initially successful robbery of the till in the town’s Winemart. The Sion Mills robber, Mr Tomney, held up the off-license and filled his bags with the takings. He then demanded a bottle of whiskey from behind the counter. The fast thinking cashier, Mick Lundy, asked for ID to prove he was over 18. Tomney supplied it before making off with £45 and a bottle of Ardbeg single malt. Lundy immediately phoned the police with the naive robber’s name and address. The were waiting for him as he arrived home. Tomney is out on bail.
OLD HAGS
The Omagh Witch Trials began yesterday, the first of its kind in Ireland since 1467. Thirteen women were reported to authorities last weekend of possessing hag-like appearances and mumbling incoherently at the end of the night in the town square. The defense pointed to the fact that they were simply a group of Tattyreagh girls dressed up for the night to the best of their ability and were simply palatic by the time they spilled out onto the street at 1am. The prosecution, the Reverend Willy Smith, said he’d never seen such she-devil behaviour since a night out in Maynooth in 1969. The trial continues.
Tyrone Classifieds – October
WANTED SECTION:
Two adult tricycles. Good breaks, not too rusty. Must be able to hold 15 stone each. Needed for romantic excursions with wife. Ardboe.
A yellow and green button for my shirt. Shirt has been very successful at Sally’s in Omagh. Tattyreagh.
Surgeon required for new surgery in Coalisland. No experience necessary. Must have own tools.
Someone to do farm work. Must have a hoolahoop. Augher.
The person I hit on the head with a tomato in Beragh in 1958. Feel guilty. Fivemiletown.
Someone to go back in time with. No time-wasters. Must bring your own weapons. Safety cannot be guaranteed. Will get paid when we get back. Only done this once before. Strabane.
Someone who can speak and write Australian. Relatives visiting in three months so want teacher asap. Brocagh.
SELLING SECTION:
Child’s potty chair. 10 years old. Slight staining. Newmills. £20
Used gravestone. Used only once. Must be called Patrick Kelly. Dungannon. £300
Soccer ball. Signed by either Pele, the greatest footballer on earth from Brazil, or some guy called Peter. Writing faint. Moortown. £100
Bagpiper. Will do wedding, funerals and children’s parties. Not the greatest piper but no one can tell. £50 per hour. Plumbridge.
Dinosaur bones. Not 100% sure but look a bit like the way I imagine they would. Found in bog in Greencastle. £50’000
Horse. Half Andalusian. Half Labrador. Very friendly. Likes bones. Drumragh. £600
One pair of hardly used dentures. Only three teeth missing. Galbally. £50
Vosene Shampoo. Only half used. Bargain at £4. Also Mach 3 razor blade. Only used twice. Mint condition. £2. Edendork.
Coalisland/Clonoe Clergy Raring To Court Women
It has emerged today that the clergy in Coalisland and Clonoe are to descend on Cookstown tonight to gather vital information on how to court and woo women. Following the recent revelation that Jesus may have been married all along, the priests in the East Tyrone parishes are waiting for the green light from the Vatican to begin chasing women.
“This is great news”, Fr Niblock told us. “The news about Christ has changed everything. If it was good enough for Him, well, it’s only a matter of time before Pope Benny gives us the go-ahead to get stuck into the blades. Myself and a couple of newer priests are hitting Clubland tonight to see how it’s done. As you can imagine we’re rightly out of shape. I get very nervous if I look at a woman even from a great distance. Funny, we were practising on each other last night, chat up lines and that, and it was a disaster. We haven’t needed to approach women since we were 14 and back then you’d be acting the hard man and ask things like ‘are ye ridin?’ That won’t work now I’m sure. We all bought aftershave today.”
Ready to go on the rip
Local women in the Coalisland area welcomed the news that the local clergy will possibly provide a fresh market in what they describe as ‘cat area’ for finding a man. 22 year old Eilish Chambers pulled no punches:
“Let’s be honest. The boys in this area wouldn’t be the best now. If you’re approached by a lad from the Washingbay Road or the Stewartstown direction you can guarantee three things: He’ll smell of diesel and cattle, he’ll just grunt instead of talking like a normal human and he’ll attempt to carry you under his arm instead of hand-in-hand. I’m sick and tired of courting fellas from here who just talk of twin cams, diffing and bulling. These priests will seem like Hollywood stars. I’m sure they’ll be a bit raw at first but give them a couple of weeks and they’ll get the hang of us. I pray to God every night that the Pope gives them the nod.”
The police are on standby tonight outside the Glenavon area as a backlash is expected from single lads from the lowlands. Although the clergy will be in civvies, the Munchie Militia have issued a statement that anyone who even just looks holy will get a kicking.
Coalisland Chase Crows To Derrytresk
The conundrum surrounding the crow epidemic in Derrytresk has been resolved with the revelation that Coalisland locals have been chasing crows at night towards the loughshore wetlands.
An unnamed source broke ranks from the Coalisland Crow Cull (CCC) and informed us that the town’s clergy were finding it hard to sleep late into the morning due to the squawking from the enormous crow population feeding on scraps from the chips lying outside the town’s fast-food outlets from the previous night.
Mr H told us:
“The PP approached a group of us just standing on the Lineside smoking pot and asked if we’d like to get to heaven without question, as well as an immediate clean soul in terms of past misdemeanours. We all jumped at the instant redemption. He said we just needed to shoo the crows towards Derrytresk so that they could get a good night’s sleep. It was too good to be true and deadly easy. Sure we’re up all night anyways stoned out of our heads.”
Derrytresk, an hour ago.
Mr H managed to round up 400 other Coalisland layabouts, linking arms across a quarter of a mile radius and slowly marched towards the direction of Derrytresk, chasing the crows. After 14 consecutive nights of slow progression towards the Washingbay Road, the CCC had completely eliminated all crows from the Coalisland area with the clergy now happily rising around midday each morning and young lads completely absolved from all previous misdemeanors.
The Derrytresk locals are up in arms over this leaked information but are unable to leave their houses due to the amount of crow shite on the ground.
Tyrone Tribulations 