Category Archives: Carrickmore
Tyrone Children To Be Disappointed At Easter. Parents ‘Finding It Tight’.
Typical Tyrone child, Easter morning, 8am
By Gombeen
A plethora of fathers and the odd mother let rip in Quinn’ Corner last night, intimating that thousands of Tyrone children will wake up on Easter Sunday without the chocolatey surprises they took for granted waiting on them. In what initially appeared to be a series of drunken rants, children are now fearing the worst and are stocking up on Wispas and Yorkies with the intention of melting them into a roundish shape and covering it with tinfoil, in the hope of replicating the same pleasure from tearing into one hollow chocolate egg after another before vomiting. This morning, an unrepentant Ballygawley father, Iggy Kelly, refused to back down:
“I got 900 litres of oil delivered yesterday. It was nearly a pound a litre. If them weans think I’ve the money to be going out buying a dozen KitKat eggs the size of their own heads then they’re in for a mighty surprise. It’s time to end the madness. Last year the missus bought 88 Easter eggs ‘just in case’ and us with just the three children. The floors, walls, ceiling and furniture was covered in the stuff on the Monday morning and there were 80 of the bastards still left. Listen, in my day my oul fella threw us a boiled egg and a piece of blue rope and we were ecstatic. These children today expect 20 Easter eggs minimum, eat two and tramp the rest of them into the carpet. Like, did Jesus say anything about eggs?”
The local Spar reacted to the overnight developments by reducing the price of a Malteser Egg to 50p or 99p for 2 in the hope that they can counteract the sweeping movement initiated last night. Kelly was unimpressed:
“That’s another scam. These shops think we’re stupid like. When you walk in there are a pile of things with a gigantic £1 written on it, convincing you you’re getting a bargain. I saw three women in the space of 10 seconds buy a small packet of Hula Hoops for a pound, just because of the size of the sticker. Sure they’re 60p normally. I even bought one. It’s like hypnosis. Fair enough, I might buy a few of those 99p for 2 egg offers as it’s too good to miss but I’ll be putting them straight in the bin. There’s a logic in there somewhere. We cannot afford this.”
The Donaghmore Parents’ Society released a statement this morning reminding people that there are no such money worries where they come from and that they’ll be setting up an ‘egg kitchen’ to feed disappointed children from Pomeroy, Rock and Carrickmore.
Grave Error Sees Inebriated Carrickmore Priest Almost Bury Twelve Live Men At Funeral
Artist’s impression
A calamitous series of mix-ups resulted in twelve Carrickmore parishoners fearing the worst as a clearly intoxicated Fr Pollox got confused during the burial of pensioner Caster McCloy this morning. McCloy, a local character and hero to many in Carrickmore due to his dual role as local area doctor and manager of the underage teams, was mourned by over 1000 attendees according to eyewitness reports. Burial proceedings were held up when Fr Pollox, especially requested to carry out the final resting place holy orders, had to be retrieved from the nearby pub after a marathon 12-hour drinking binge.
“Ah poor Fr Pollox,” family friend Francie Gormley told us, “He was tarra fond of oul Caster. It was a hard blow for him and he took to the batter throughout the wake. He was in some shape when he arrived by the graveside. On three occasions, the altar boys prevented him from falling in himself by houling on to his vestments. It was a sorry state of affairs with the wailing in the congregation coupled with the burping and rifting coming from the good Father himself.”
The obviously disorientated cleryman mixed up the deceased’s name at least a dozen times and on every occasion a grief-stricken mourner would leap in to the freshly dug grave, too delirious with sorrow to question his orders.
“I hadn’t seen anything like it. I think the first one was when the Father said ‘we are here to bury Seamie the Red Boy’ and sure didn’t Seamus take a buck leap into the grave. Following him at 2-3 minute intervals was Jake Morrow, Pat Lundy, Dan McCann, Peader Horner, Marty McAliskey, Leo Burden, Henry McNally, Norm Kelly, Brendan Savage, Paul O’Brien and oul Joe Ryan and him 94. I don’t know whether it’s the encompassing effect of mass lamentation or the power of the clergy but there were 12 men standing in the grave with the coffin as Fr Pollox threw soil on them. Even better, didn’t members of Caster’s family throw muck on them too. It wasn’t until the wife of Seamie the Red Boy pulled him out that we woke out of our stupor. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Castor McCloy was eventually laid to rest after two hours of pulling men out. Reports of a missing Norm Kelly have sparked fears he might still be in there.
Date Set For ‘New Tyrone 2014’ Image Conference
Possible Donegal/Tyrone border signpost.
A date has finally been agreed on for the inaugural Tyrone New Image Conference, the County Tyrone Tourism Board announced today at their Seskinore headquarters. March 31st, despite falling on Easter Sunday, was unanimously agreed after representatives from all townlands intimated they’d rather be at this congress than sitting at home eating chocolate for the risen Jesus. All members also agreed on the need for speed on this issue following twelve harrowing months of negative headlines emanating from the county from ball-grabbing, handbag-swinging and mouth-gouging to person-gobbing, diesel-laundering and a declining standards in Country and Western musicians. Chairman of the tourism committee, Lisa Horridge, set out the agenda this morning:
“First up, we need to decide whether we stick or twist. Do we embrace the negativity and turn our county into a fearless wilderness like Mexico or Dundalk, or do we start with a clean slate and clamp down on any behaviour we see as being detrimental to our reputation? We appear to be split on that stance as we speak. The Carrickmore delegation are proposing that we go full-on and get signs saying “Welcome To Hell” at various locations on the county borders. Ardboe have motioned the idea of rejecting any attempts by the government to police the county or pay taxes. Strabane wish to bring back lynching for people suspected of having liaised with outsiders and witch hunts against folk susceptible to politeness. Then you have the other side of the coin like Donaghmore. They want sanctions put in place that forbid people with ‘an odd eye in their head’ to be seen outside during daylight hours, like inbreds or something especially up near Castlecaulfield. Sion Mills want compulsory elocution lessons for farmers and labourers. There’s a lot to discuss really.”
In what promises to be a heated debate, all townlands have been asked to canvass their population to find out where they stand on the whole ‘New Image 2014’ debate. Presently, only Brocagh have revealed their preference indicating they will be taking a ‘No’ stance, instead advocating public displays of nudity and stepping up general bad manners at all times.
Carrickmore Students’ Brave Attempt At Making Casserole Fails. House Destroyed.
Holylands, post-Carrickmore meal
Three Carrickmore students based in Belfast whilst studying at UUJ have been inundated with hard luck cards and commiserating phone-calls after marginally failing to make a beef casserole at their flat in the Holylands. Despite the early stages going to plan, a mishap saw the entire flat burned to the ground as well as the adjacent buildings in what has been described as a ‘ typical munchie horror show’ by the PSNI. Seanie Loughran, studying sums at the university, says it was a brave attempt inspired by something they saw on TV.
“Gutted. Not just us but this entire row of flats. Myself, Ciaran and Johnny were watching Nigella Lawson and I told them I was sick and tired of spuds and beans or fish fingers and spaghetti hoops. Nigella had just made a beef casserole and after we’d tired ourselves from the usual innuendos there, we went out to the Spar and bought 2kg of braising steak, onions, red wine, tomato puree, butter, a rake of carrots and a 24-pack of Coors. It was all going well after we’d chopped up the steak and got a big pot and bucked the whole lot into it. The smell was delicious. Ciaran cracked open the Coors and that’s when things took a turn for the worse. The craic was mighty watching Deal Or No Deal as we got wired into the cans and the wine which we decided to drink too. It was the burny smell and subsequent towering inferno from the kitchen area that reminded us of the casserole. It was too late.”
The fire brigade were able to salvage the half of the end houses in the 6-row of flats although little was lost in the way of college notes as Loughran says they are the type of learners that don’t need to write things down such is the collective power of their memories. The police also expressed disappointment that they didn’t try to add mushrooms to their casserole. Loughran added:
“We’ll dust ourselves down and try again when we find a new place to live. I’d love to try making something deadly like lasagna. Imagine going back to the Carmen saying you made a lasagna. You’d be considered a culinary genius. But for a while we’ll get back on the horse with jammed toast and the like.”
Time Ripe For A Carrickmore Pope Says Carrickmore PP
Fr Gormley this evening
Following the shock resignation of Pope Benedict today, Carrickmore PP Fr Colman Gormley (69) has gone on the offensive immediately with a series of twitter statements advocating the appointment of a Pope from the Carmen for the first time since Catholicism was invented thousands of years ago. Despite there having been no Irish Popes since St Peter got the first gig, Fr Gormley says that this should be no impediment to the drive for a Carrickmore Pope to shake up the whole Vatican movement.
“It’s about time, to be honest. We’ve had a black President of America, women prime ministers, a TV show called The Manageress in the 90s, Tyrone beating Kerry, men wearing skirts….why not a Carmen pope? Take me for example. I’m in my prime. I love pizza and at the sports day I travelled around the field standing up through the sunroof of the brother’s Mini Cooper, waving at the crowd. OK, it’d be a bit of a culture shock living in Rome but don’t forget, I did a stint in Loughmacrory in the 70s. I have big ideas too: twitter-style masses in 120 words or fewer; good looking Eucharistic Ministers; electro-dance homily music; altar boy reality shows where they are voted off by doing an average mass etc. I’m hoping to get a clipboard with pages for people to sign my petition.”
The Vatican refused to comment on Fr Gormley’s chances but did indicate that they were already in advanced negotiations with a young priest from Tattyreagh.
“It is Vatican policy not to comment on these things but Fr John Donnelly from Tattyreagh is at the top of his game. He did Stations of the Cross last year up in Glenelly in over two hours. That’s unavoidably impressive,” a member of the Holy See told us over the phone.
The Catholic Church have yet to rule out a Pope-Off mass competition at Edendork this weekend between Gormley and your man from Clonoe.
Out And About In Tyrone – The Horse Meat Debate
We visited the famous Augher cattle mart this morning to gauge opinions on the recent horse meat debate:
Is it that bad really? Sure in Asia they eat everything and them boys live til they’re 100. Listen, everything will run out eventually and our future generations will be eating each other to survive. I’d eat a man alright. FONZIE MCCLURE, CLONOE
Lucksee, I’ve begun thinking. Like, see them cows in the field, like, how do we know if they’re really cows like? What if they’re horses or zebras dressed up like cows? Them farmers are capable of anything. PADDY HARBINSON, ROCK
I was saying to the wife yesterday at the pictures. What’s in that popcorn? I’m prepared to question everything I eat now. Cream crackers – like is that cardboard or wood? I’ve long suspected an establishment in Omagh was passing off dirty water as Guinness. HARRY CULLEN, BERAGH
If I see one more horse joke on Facebook, i’ll not be responsible for my actions. SUSAN CASSIDY, COALISLAND
Spare a thought for Gavin Devlin. He must be sleeping with one eye open. He’d make one hell of a lasagne though. BRIAN MCIVOR, ARDBOE
What about the donkeys? They always get the raw deal. Even in a scandal like this, no one is thinking about the donkey. I’m sure ass meat tastes just as good too. There’s a marketing opportunity out there for ass burgers. You’ll find perverts buying them and all. MARY MUNROE, CARRICKMORE
Pomeroy Family To Quit The Village. Row Over 11+ Money.
Grimes, last night.
The family of Gregory Grimes, the first boy to achieve an A in the 11+ in Pomeroy since 1986, have said they’ll be gone from the village by the weekend and hope never to set foot amongst the “tightest shower in Ireland”. The remarkable turnaround by the Grimes’ seemingly surrounds the level of generosity in the village after young Gregory travelled from door to door last Saturday morning to inform the locals of his top grade in the ‘qualifying’ tests. Gregory’s father Kieran, a former A grade student himself and current Pomeroy tourism officer, claims they’ll never return to Pomeroy whilst there’s a breath left in his body:
“I loved Pomeroy. The mountains, the Diamond, Philomena Begley. We had it all. Well, all that’s wiped from my memory ever since young Greg, the first A in Pomeroy in 27 years, returned on his travels last Saturday with £3.56 in his pocket after telling his good news to 36 houses around the centre of the village. Three buckin fifty buckin six buckin pounds. Themuns couldn’t be happy for ye. The Kavanaghs down the road actually tapped him up for money for to pay the electricity meter. Paddy Devlin, and him a doctor too, gave him 11p after fumbling around in his suit jacket for fifteen minutes. The headmaster himself didn’t even open the door even though I could see him duking from the kitchen window and him boasting about our lad’s result at the shop this morning thinking he’s King Dick. What a begrudging, tight-fisted shower of glipes. Young Gregory, God bless him, was happy with the money and went out and bought a bottle of Lucozade and a giant Snickers. I’m not hanging around to count the pennies after his Confirmation. They can go and shite.”
No one from Pomeroy was prepared to officially comment on the Grimes’ plans to move off but the headmaster was reported to have said the following, on hearing about the A grade the previous night in the pub from the school secretary: “that wee Grimes lad needs taking down a peg or two. Who does he think he is? You’ll get nowhere reading books and spelling things correctly. He’ll be thinking he’s all it. We don’t need that sort in Pomeroy.”
The Grimes family are due to settle in Carrickmore.
Carrickmore GAA To Tackle Ferocious Image. Plans For Pink.
In a bold attempt to rid the area of its teak-tough and uncompromising representation, Carrickmore officials project that their new initiatives will see tourism rise at least by 500% over the twelve months. Locals have long lamented the lack of visitors to the Carrickmore high street, a phenomenon explained away by the harrowing perception of people in the area created by rival parishes and certain sections of the media. It is claimed that 1956 was the last time anyone from outside the townland married into the traditional Carrickmore families of the Gormleys, McCallans, Munroes and Dalys. Businesses have suffered as people fear of having to deal with the now mythical ferocious women and men from the village.
In a bold move, Carrickmore officials have unveiled their new strip – an all-pink number with frilly lacings around the collars – to be worn by the senior side in league and championship in 2013. Buying into the whole “connotations of colours” philosophy, club offical Gab Gormley maintains it could be the making of Carrickmore as a community:
“Well, to be honest, something needed to be done. The Carmen was turning into the wild west, where folk feared to travel. I emailed Gok Wan for suggestions and he didn’t reply. So I asked a boy from down the road who knows about colours and stuff and he filled me in about this idea. I was a bit skeptical at first but thought ‘what the hell’. There was a bit of a mini-rebellion when I announced it at training last night and, understandably, the clubrooms were thrashed by angry players. My car was also set alight by a few senior lads who should’ve known better, but no matter. As soon as they see the men and wemen from other places coming here for a pint or a loaf of bread then they’ll know they played their part in changing the future of this great place. We will soon be building skyscrapers and hoarding asylum seekers. People will see Carrickmore as progressive and in touch with their feminine qualities.”
Carrickmore will play rivals Dromore in a friendly next month in what could be a testing first outing. A high profile inter-county defensive player, who does not wish to be named, was furious at the announcement:
Holy buckin Jaysus, we’ll be laughed out of it in places like Derrylaughan and Killyclogher. Pink, like. Any other colour maybe. The renowned green and gold will be no more. I can’t see how this will bring in tourists. We might get some kind of knitting convention or gay pride march in Carrickmore but that’s the best case scenario. They’ve made a hames of this. I can’t see Mickey Harte picking lads who play in pink.
Officials say they haven’t shelved plans of forcing all Carrickmore people to attend night classes in “the art of nose-blowing and coughing up stuff in public”.
New design for Carmen
Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Carrickmore’s Dominance To Blame, Off Camera
Carrickmore during friendly
Lance Armstrong, the multi Tour de France champion and confessed drug cheat, told Oprah Winfrey during one of the breaks on her show that his main reason for throwing all sorts of dope into his blood stream was to dull the pain of seeing Carrickmore winning a rake of O’Neill Cups since 1995. A self-confessed Killyclogher fan, Armstrong admitted that he only stumbled across the athletic boost the drugs gave him after going out for a ride soon after the Carmen beat Moortown in the 1995 final. A secret camera caught the following conversation whilst the two American heavyweights tore into a pot of tea and digestive biscuits:
“Ah Oprah, it was some handlin. All I wanted to do was to kill the abject depression I was feeling when the news would filter through that Carrickmore had lifted another county title. And this was the pre-Block Gormley days even. I used to down a bottle of Powers but soon hit the harder stuff like EPO and blood transfusions – anything to take my mind off them hoors celebrating well into the night thinking they were deadly, like. It was only when I went out for a spin on the Grifter that I experienced the advantage that stuff gave me. When they beat Killyclogher in the ’99 final I bucked the whole lot into me and hey presto, the Tour de France was a doddle. It was a double-edged sword, Winfrey.”
Killyclogher’s defeat of Errigal in ’03 saw a dip in Armstrong’s form and he soon announced his retirement from professional cycling due to the lack of need for the dope. A double for the Carmen in ’04 and ’05 changed everything.
“Just when I thought I’d gotten away with it all and Killyclogher were top dogs, didn’t St Colmcille’s lift the next two. That set me back and I was transfusing anything that was humanly possible. Even shite. I was off the wagon big time and hence lifted another two Tours. Only for that double I’d never have been caught. That wee Brian Gormley bollocks has brought me here, Oprah.”
Winfrey seemed uninterested and just told him he should never underestimate the Carmen and that she was a bit of a Trillick woman herself.
Three Carrickmore Men Defy Storm And Drink On
Gormley and Woods hit the beach in NY
Despite repeated warnings to evacuate the area coupled with gusts of up to 85mph, three Carrickmore tourists continued to ‘drink on’ in a beer garden in downtown New York, sparking public statements of disbelief and awe from the highest authorities.
Barney Shields, Tommy Gormley and Kyron Woods had flown out to New York for three days on Sunday on a post-season blow-out which they had planned for ages. Despite warnings of treacherous conditions and the unmissable wailing sirens, the three Carmen men headed on down to O’Neill’s Pub anyway on 37th Street for a ‘lock a pints‘ as the storm hit the city, maintaining that they were always going to get the most out of the much-anticipated trip.
Woods, 36, who’d never set foot outside of Carrickmore before, explained their stance:
“We’d been looking forward til this for ages, boys. There’s no way a drop of water was going to spoil my three days in Amerikay. The Yankee barman wasn’t prepared to stay on after our 5th pint with the wind gathering an all but we toul him to leave us the keys. A nice man, he agreed and ran off. The beer garden was a bit ropey what with the umbrellas flying about, falling bricks and the sheets of hard rain but sure it was no worse than playing Derrylaughan down by the shore on a similar day in March.”
An impressed President Obama mentioned the threesome’s actions during his national address this morning:
“….and some say we are a weak nation. If that’s how the world sees us, well then it’s time we borrowed the willingness to stand firm in the face of adversity from those three Carrickmore heroes in 37th Street. The world watched as they faced up to Hurricane Sandy and said, ‘we ain’t going nowhere’. Up the Carmen I say. Up the Carmen.” (great applause and chants of ‘Carmen’ from Congressmen and women)
Woods, a little perplexed by Obama’s comments, told us:
“I don’t know what he’s waffling on about. I’d already bought six rounds. Them there hoors had only bought four rounds each. I wasn’t leaving til it was all evens. There’s nothing worse than being stung when doing rounds.”
Shields and Gormley were too delicate this morning to comment.
Carrickmore Boy Runs Faster Than Bolt
Yesterday it was reported that Carrickmore speedster Little Tony Dumphrey broke the 100m world record at the Tattyreagh Caravan Site Junior Sports Day. The amazing athletic feat was accomplished into a 20mph headwind couple against torrentially angled rain, ‘that oul wet rain’ Site Master Old Tony Dumphrey claimed.
Artist’s impression from America
Those in attendance were gobsmacked at the 8 year-old’s feat and appeared privileged to be there at the time. It was estimated that 25 were in attendance but exactly half of that number were women looking after the one barbecue or nattering about Prince Harry’s balls.
“I completely missed the momentous moment,” said Little Tony’s mother Bridle, “but it doesn’t surprise me. He used to run like a mad’un when the TV man turned the corner, giving us plenty of time to play dead. I just wish I hadn’t been gabbling about Harry’s arse.”
The exact details regarding time and distance seems to have thrown a veil of uncertainty over the feat. Old Tony reacted angrily when asked about the specifics of the achievement and whether the Jamaican should be informed.
“No, the distance wasn’t measured nor was there a watch or clock handy. But ask anyone who was there. He ran faster than anything we’d ever seen and a lot of these boys chase badgers and stuff. It was from about here to over there somewhere. What do you want from me? Just put down 8 seconds and 100m. OK?”
Tyrone Tribulations 