Category Archives: Clonoe
Clonoe O’Rahilly’s To Raise Funds For Ulster Championship With Coalisland Fianna Tribute CD
To raise much-needed funds for their assault on the Ulster Intermediate Championship, Clonoe O’Rahilly’s have released a CD packed full of lovely songs about their neighbours, Coalisland Fianna, and will go on sale outside all good chapels tomorrow morning.
Included are some well-known ballads such as Dirty Old Town, We’re Not Brackaville We’re Coalisland, and the newly penned Shame, Na Fianna Foiled.
CDs retail at £15.99
Church Ordered To Change Name Of Rooster Appreciation Sunday From ‘Blessing Of The Cocks’ To Something More Holy
The Vatican has ordered a church in East Tyrone to change the name of their rooster appreciation weekend from ‘Blessing Of The Cocks’ to something more palatable.
St John’s RC Church on the outskirts of Aughamullan, which has a history of unique Sunday blessings, has decided to honour the rooster this year. The rooster acts as a natural alarm clock for locals in the area, as many of them are suspicious of electronics.
Parish priest Fr Jimmy admitted he might change the name to suit his Roman overlords, but was adamant that the blessing of roosters would still go ahead on the date planned:
“Aye it’s a bit of a pity as I’d loads of Blessing of the Cocks banners done out but it’s easily changed. And I suppose there are loads of other cocks out there, like pheasants and stuff. No harm done.”
Next month, the parish has announced the Blessing of the Dungarees.
Clonoe O’Rahilly’s Launch Audacious Bid To Host Euro 2028 Games With New Stand
The DUP has reacted furiously to the possibility that a match between Germany and France may be played in the heartland of East Tyrone at a ground commemorating Michael Joseph O’Rahilly. It is also believed that Casement Park officials are also irked at the development.
Clonoe GAC, who this week launched plans for a new 600-seater stadium, claim that the new building, coupled with loads of benches from local schools as well as a pile of ladders reaching to the roof of the clubrooms, could see the ground host games such as Latvia v Moldova or Wales v Montenegro.
Club spokesman Henry ‘the milkman’ McCann explained:
“‘Think big’ McCabe told us. So we’ve an entourage of Mansells, Corrs, Devlins, Taggarts and Campbells heading to Switzerland on Friday to pitch a bid for the Euros. We’ve also contacted the the agents of Britney Spears, Barry Manilow and Gary Barlow to see if they’d be interested in doing a concert here. Next year we will make Elon Musk an offer to launch a rocket on Lough Neagh that can be watched from the new stand.”
The DUP are said to be furious at the possibility that O’Rahilly will be celebrated across the planet.
“We’d rather Casement. At least he was called Roger”
claimed a farmer from Magherafelt.
A Casement Social Club drinker said their eyes were being wiped by Clonoe.
Police Plead To Thousands Camping On Washingbay Rd Ahead of Clonoe Coalisland Play-Off
International press have descended on East Tyrone ahead of the crucial Clonoe/Coalisland play-off this Saturday, with police pleading to non-ticket holders that batons will be used if they attempt to gain access to the Clonoe ground before the relegation decider.
An estimated 20’000 supporters are expected to try to gain access to the 1000-capacity ground, with many homes in the area offering B&B facilities for astronomical prices, despite only putting on sausage sandwiches and milk. Already, 3000 hopefuls have set up camp in hedges along the Washingbay Road, with helicopters shouting warnings and spraying them with water and rocks to disperse the numbers.
New York Times journalist Bruce Taggart, who has ancestors in the area, explained:
“We’ve travelled 1000s of miles for this game. It’s all the talk in the States. Most Fianna supporters are from New York itself, with many Clonoe fans emerging from the hillbilly states. I’m worried about getting in to see it now although Tessies are doing a chipped firestick screening.”
The police were called to Coalisland earlier today after two seemingly friendly rivals engaged in a fistfight regarding the outcome of the weekend’s game. Ronnie McSheery and Olly McNeill, two local celebrities, had to be separated after McSheery alleged that Clonoe only bate Coalisland in 1991 because they poached Derrytresk’s best player.
Michelle O’Neill To Be Crowned At Tullyhogue In First Inauguration Since 1595
The O’Neill society of Tullyhogue and Stewartstown have confirmed that Clonoe’s Michelle O’Neill will get ‘the full works’ at a ceremony at Tullyhogue Fort as soon as Stormont is up and running again.
The site, which last saw an inauguration in 1595 when her distant cousin Hugh was crowned the O’Neill, is already being tidied up with a man from Cookstown heading up tomorrow with a Massey to mow a pathway to the ancient historical mound, despite charging an astronomical amount for the service.
One of the O’Hagan’s from Derrylaughan has already been chosen to place the golden sandal on her foot to symbolise her authority. The sandal will be bought from Tom Morrow’s in Dungannon, retailing at £69.99.
Music will be supplied by the harpist Terry O’Carlan who will play tunes such as Lady In Red, Changes, and The Heat Is On. A lone piper will lead O’Neill up the Tullywiggan Rd, through the cowgate and up to the mound.
Tickets are limited and can be purchased in Spar shops.
Thousands Expected At Outside Screening Of Coronation In Coalisland
Organisers of the Coalisland big screening of Charles Windsor’s coronation as King of England have warned people to get there early to avoid the disappointment of being turned away and having to watch at home or even worse not at all.
The celebration, which will see local bands such as the Newmills Republican Flute Band and the Moygashel Pearses Accordion Band entertain the crowds before the kick-off, has been hailed as a hands-across-the-divide event, with local chip chop Landi’s putting on Union Jack sausages, and pies in the shape of the late Queen of England.
Spokesperson for the event Caoimhin O’Neill warned:
“We’re expecting the guts of 4000 people down the Lineside from as far away as Brackaville and Clonoe. It’s going to be mental. A great day for the parish.”
Party-goers have been asked to bring their own binoculars if they have to stand at the top of Platers Hill.
Meanwhile, anyone attending the event called Charlie or Charles will get a free 3-year pass to the cinema in the town which is showing Rocky 4 next week.
Tyrone Heroes Prepare To Get Heads Taken Clean Off In Club Championship
After being cheered to the rafters and celebrated all week by all within the county, Tyrone’s All-Ireland winners are preparing for the inevitable ‘slapping and slabbering sessions’ on the field as they return to the club championship in places such as Urney, Brackaville, Clonoe, Aghaloo and Tattyreagh.
In a tradition that stretches back over 100 years, county players who were feted in recent days will become targets for off-the-ball digs and deadly slagging by the same people who were back-slapping and buying them drink since their All-Ireland win.
Tyrone’s club championships in 03, 05 and 08 saw the most red cards, with most of the Moy’s games abandoned as the Cavanaghs, Jordan and Mellon fought off entire opposition squads and even some of their own.
Scientists have labelled the condition as ‘SSTS’ (slapping and slabbering trolling sessions) and maintain there is no vaccine for the illness.
An anonymous Tyrone player from 2003/05/08 from Cookstown added:
“I hated playing at the loughshore after an All-Ireland. They’d be saying stuff like ‘shove yer medal up your hole ye blonde hoor’ and grappling at your testicles and stuff like that, and then asking for your autograph afterwards.”
Logan and Dooher have yet to comment on the disease but it is thought Dooher believes it’ll harden them.
We Ask Tyrone People: What Will You Do When Lockdown Is Over?
Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do.
“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY
“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY
“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE
“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.” K LUNDY, COALISLAND
“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.” O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY
“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there” M CUSH, DONAGHMORE
“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON
“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.” J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG
“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE
“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND
“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.” M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE
“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND
“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK
“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK
Illicit Diesel Merchants Ask For Furlough Funding From Stormont
With social distancing measures still a constant for the foreseeable future, hundreds of South Tyrone illegal diesel merchants have signed a letter urging Stormont to apply the national furlough conditions to their line of business until things settle.
The current lockdown directive has witnessed a marked decrease in vehicle traffic in the county, with many households simply walking to the shop or off licence to get essential provisions. The illegal diesel business is reckoned to be on its knees with many car owners still using the fuel they bought at the start of March.
Davy Quinn (55) from Coalisland was adamant that they will not become the forgotten business of this pandemic:
“Let’s be honest here. 75% of the money spent on shops in Coalisland, Brackaville and even Clonoe has the smell of diesel off it. Sometimes you come out of a shop in the town after buying corned beef and stuff and your hands smell like a lawnmower after getting the change. We exist! It’s time we got our 80% furloughing. In my case that would be roughly £3m.”
South Armagh businessmen have joined their South Tyrone and South Derry counterparts in arranging a protest online about their plight on Zoom, with their cameras turned off though.
Clonoe Man Hailed A Hero In LA
Artist’s Impression of Hero
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Clonoe-born John McClure has been hailed as a real life Die Hard hero after he foiled an attempted robbery at a jewellers in Los Angeles last week.
McClure entered Rickman and Co jewellers in downtown LA two minutes before closing time to “look about a ring for the woman” and “to find somewhere to get to the bogs“.
Unbeknownst to the former Rahilly ticket seller, a carefully planned diamond heist was in full swing which he found himself in the middle of and, subsequently, alleviating the robbery. It is understood that McClure’s ‘heroics’ saved the business $640m.
“It all started cause I was busting for the toilets. I ran in and kicked open the men’s toilet door and disarmed a man who was on the other side of the door. It looked like he had a name badge that said Kyle. I noticed a pistol dropping to the floor out of the corner of my eye, but paid it no more attention, as I was concentrating on not getting any pish on the lovely marble tiles. I must have hit the door some boot to be fair…”
When McClure enquired about the price of one of the diamonds his missus would be keen on, he flung his arms in disgust and knocked out another would-be robber (who had been posing as a concierge) with a rear-lead hook uppercut.
The piece-du-resistance came when the Clonoe native took out the remaining members of the gang in one fell swoop:
“I got bored listening to all that diamond talk, ‘cut’ this and ‘clarity’ that, so I got some duct tape out of a drawer and taped a load of C4 explosives I found in the toilet around a real old Amstrad computer, taped the whole thing to a wheel chair and dropped it through the lift shaft…She lit up like a Christmas tree, with the blow back singeing my eyebrows. I saw it in an old 80s movie once and just kind of did it for the craic to be honest. They said I killed the four remaining German tourists, or was it terrorists? …I can’t remember…”
In court yesterday, Judge Rinder commended McClure for his actions. He has been asked back to the city on Christmas Eve for a special award ceremony in his honour.
McClure has since broken up with his fiancée Holly over allegations he is ‘too tight’.
Moortown Woman To Sue Cookstown Disco For Not Getting A Man Between 1990 and 1994 Due To Smoke Machine.
A Moortown spinster maintains she has a solid case to take against Clubland in Cookstown after claiming that the smoke machine they used during the slow dances made it impossible for potential suitors to see her all done up.
Hillary McClintock (53) is hoping to claim up to £10’000 in damages after she failed to get one curt over a four-year period despite attending the disco for over 200 consecutive weeks and twice one week over Christmas. Her barrister maintains that he has evidence that the smoke machine made it much harder for Hillary to show off her rugged loughshore looks, even during Bryan Adams slow songs.
“My client even wore figure-hugging dungarees which we all know are irresistible to lads from Clonoe and Brackaville. It doesn’t make any sense. My sister who had two eyes heading in different directions met her future husband during a Wet Wet Wet song even with the smoke coming down. Not sure if I’ve just ruined my own argument there.”
McClintock has yet to say how the £10’000 was arrived at but is confident she will at least get a voucher of some sort, even though the Pink Pussycat nightclub doesn’t exist any more.
Meanwhile, scientists in Queen’s University in Belfast have revealed that the most likely song to get a partner at a Cookstown disco during the 1990s was Cotton Eye Joe.
GAA Dubious Results Committee To Investigate Tyrone Club Scene
By Aughohilly Schniffles
It has emerged that a special GAA Dubious Results Committee are to investigate allegations of match-fixing following some extremely surprising results in club league games in recent days.
As the league tables are finalised and secure positions become known for next year, it has been rumoured that some clubs have remarkably not been giving 100% in their last game.
A rash of inexplicable wins and draws over the past two weeks have led to an international chair of experts being assembled and called to Garvaghey to investigate. The expert panel consisting of Bruce Grobbelaar, John Higgins and Lance Armstrong were due to be flown to Tyrone today and have apparently been watching video footage of Division One and Two games from last weekend on the plane.
Joe Doyle, a County board insider who does not wish to be named, told us:
“Aye, you get plenty of that at this time of year, so you do…lads throwing points when they are safe…in exchange for free sandwiches the next time the teams meet, or agreeing to stay away from their women at McAleers…”
Evidence understood to be presented to the experts from last weekends games include a dog lining out in full-forward for Killyclogher, Donaghmore and Omagh fielding just 2 a side, and Coalisland Fianna sending out their Ladies team to play Clonoe. The Edendork Bingo Snowball has also been slashed from £6000 to £200 despite there being no recent winners.
The results of the investigation are due out next week, though the chances are you’ll never hear about this again until this time next year.
Edendork In Search For Their ‘Thing’
Edendork’s thing
By Aughohilly Schniffles
What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…
It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.
McCann explained:
“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”
While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.
“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].
With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.
“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”
It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.
In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.
Club Players In Tyrone May Be Forced To Play At Midnight, In Car Parks
Brackaville, at night.
A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success.
Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.
A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:
“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”
The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.
95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.
Clonoe Metal Detecting Enthusiast Destroys Bog
A well known metal detecting activist and part time stove-fitter is said to be in hiding after he destroyed over 300 chains of turf near his home in Drummurrer.
Terence McNeil, who can read newspapers in 32 different languages, was adamant that a rich bogland was sitting on top of some kind of metal monster, hinting at the possibility of a hidden underground world or perhaps even real gold.
His long-suffering wife, Alisha, admitted she did believe her husband was onto something:
“I heard the bleeping of the metal detector myself. It was going clean mad in that bog so he had the whole family out digging like bastes. Terence was sure it was maybe a helicopter shot down in the 70s or perhaps some kind of Celtic underworld, with the bones of leprechauns a possibility. It wasn’t until it starting bleeping in the house during the night that it finally dawned on me.”
The source of McNeil’s incessent beeping appears to be a new pair of steel toe cap boots he purchased at Cookstown market at the weekend which he has worn non-stop since.
Bog-owner Patsy Corr is currently seeking legal advice after over £300’000’s worth of turf was destroyed due to McNeil’s digging frenzy.
“That bollocks and his steel toe cap boots. When I get my hands on him, he’ll be needing his metal detector to locate my steel toe caps from his backside.”
McNeil has promised to pay the arrears and has advised his daughter that her wedding may be downgraded next year.
Uproar As Tyrone Players Asked To Pay For Their Own Snorkels/Flippers For Monaghan Game
McCurry lines up a free kick
Tensions were said to be high tonight in Garvaghey after Tyrone County Board officials asked the county squad to pay £5.99 towards the snorkels and flippers needed for the match in Omagh to take place tomorrow night.
A star player, who wishes not to be named but is from Edendork, explained how players were shocked to see county board heavies arrive in sunglasses to collect the money:
“They did a number on us. About six big lads from Omagh and Tattyreagh arrived like juiced-up bouncers and demanded we all pay £5.99 for the wet gear. I could see the county board officals hiding behind a wall watching. Fair play to wee Mark Bradley. He said ‘no I’m not, you rotters’, but the biggest heavy with a tattooed neck lifted him and stuck him in the bin. It’s a shocking state of affairs.”
Sean Cavanagh negotiated the cost down to £4.99 which received a round of applause from his brother and the McMahon brothers.
The snorkel charge is the latest in a series of cost-cutting measures after players were asked to cut the grass at Garvaghey last week. Unfortunately, over £300’000 worth of damage was caused when an unnamed player, believedly from Clonoe, tried to mow the 3G pitch.
Clonoe Man Leaves Wife For Scarecrow
Clonoe Claire
In a case described as a first of its kind, a Clonoe mechanic has filed for divorce after admitting to falling in love with a scarecrow he sees every day on his way home from work on the Washingbay Road.
Julius Doris, known locally as ‘Caesar’, listed irreconcilable differences for his decision as well as listing a plethora of qualities the scarecrow ‘Clonoe Claire’ possesses which he claims are ideal in his vision of a perfect woman.
Doris explained to waiting press outside Dorman’s Shop:
“Claire is just lethal. She has a stare on her that would break any man in Castlereagh. Rain, hail or shine she’s out there chasing birds and stuff with a strong back on her and that bit of leg, or straw, showing in that ragged dress of hers. She’s a dream.”
Doris went on to describe how he had to move on her quickly as he’d spotted other men mostly from Coalisland and Derrytresk leering at her from the roadside on slowed down tractors.
Close friends of Doris’ admitted to being slightly surprised at the news but revealed their own fondness for the scarecrow which was erected to prevent crows from attacking two drills of strawberries in a field near the crossroads.
An anonymous admirer added:
She has something about her that your average local Clonoe woman doesn’t have. Maybe it’s her optimistic demeanour. You never get the feeling she’s going to ate the head off you for looking at her. I can see why Doris left the wife.”
With no children from his previous marriage, Doris is hoping to start a family with Claire with the help of some ground-breaking work from fertility scientists which they haven’t started working on yet or even know about. He claims he doesn’t really mind if his offspring are scarecrows or Dorises.
Tyrone Unimpressed With Super Moon
Moon rising over Lough Neagh
With Skywatchers preparing for the latest “supermoon” as Earth’s satellite makes its closest approach since 1948, Tyrone Tribulations got out and about its people to find out how this astronomical phenomenon will affect them and what they made of it in general:
“Pile of shite” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“The hell do I care” – MARIE BRENNAN, EDENDORK
“What are you really sellin?” – DAN MCGURK, DUNGANNON
“Sammy Wilson in the fields again, only bigger and better?” – B MCELDUFF, CARRICKMORE
“Balls” – SISTER FRANCES CAVANAGH, EGLISH
“Have you even checked the sky, ye walt. It’s lashing. Typical Ireland, can’t even organise a full moon.” – ALAN DONNELLY, STRABANE
“That’s just one of Hub Hughes’ attempts finally coming back to earth.” – E MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“Still shite, stop asking me.” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“Is it a protestant moon or a catholic one?” – A FOSTER, TRILLICK
“Right enough, quare hairy women around Brocagh this last week” – JAMES MCGURK, BROCAGH
“Super, my hole” – FR FAY, CLONOE
East Tyrone Priest Mistakenly Beaten Up By Dads After Dressing Up As Clown At Halloween Party
Fr O’Fay (behind) during happier times
Fathers of children at an Irish Language School in Clonoe have apologised for ‘kicking the dung’ clean out of a local priest who unexpectedly arrived at a children’s Halloween party in the school today dressed as a clown.
Fr O’Fay accepted the joint apology from the parents and admitted it was probably a bad decision to burst into the assembly room dressed as the traditional circus performer, carrying a bloodied meat cleaver, given the current bad press clowns are receiving across the country.
Mother of three Geraldine Hanna explained how quickly concerned fathers reacted to the jovial priest’s surprising arrival:
“He just burst through the doors dressed as a clown and wielding a meat cleaver shouting ‘where are yiz ye wee scitters?’. Within twenty seconds he was having the tripe kicked out of him by upwards of 30 fathers up and down the school corridor before they realised it was just the parish priest Fr O’Fay dressed up.”
After the screaming and cries of the children and mothers had died down, an ambulance arrived to whisk O’Fay away to Craigavon A&E which was followed by three decades of the rosary in the school led by the principal of Gaelscoil Na Rahillys Mr Martin, and an unexpected early finish to the Halloween party.
Fr O’Fay released a statement tonight saying he regretted dressing up as a killer clown and should have stuck to his original decision to wear his Dolly Parton outfit. He also promised a good long Mass at Clonoe this Sunday to make up for his error.
What’s On Tyrone TV This Weekend
Saturday
10am: COUL – Edendork amateur production of Frozen, featuring classics such as ‘Do You Want To Build An Extension Around The Back’ and ‘Let Her Go, Ye Boy Ye’
12pm: POINTLESS – fly-on-the-wall documentary following Peter Canavan around Ballygawley as he tries to grow hair by eating more fruit
4pm: GAME OF THRONES – Reality show as language experts tour towns and villages trying to get locals to pronounce their county as Tyrone and not Throne
6pm: WOULD I LIE TO YOU? – Live debate as shady business men try to convince us that mining the Sperrins is great fun and fracking is even better
9.45pm: CINDERELLA – Reality TV series continues as a Moortown woman returns to the Glenavon disco with all her brothers one week after her shoe was stolen, to find the culprit
11pm: OPEN ALL HOURS – Comedy as seasoned Tessie’s drinkers relive the best nights and fights in Dorman’s shebeen at Clonoe crossroads
Sunday
9am: TOP GEAR – Light entertainment show as a Trillick entrepreneur reveals the secrets behind his ‘alternative fuel’ business as well as his thriving DVD sideline
11am: UP – Emotional documentary of Derrytresk’s promotion season
1pm: SKYFALL – Historical drama as Stewartstown residents remember the first time they saw snow coming down
3:30pm: THE GREAT ESCAPE – Thiller as Malachi Cush plays a traffic warden who was accidentally stationed in Coalisland only to be met with stern resistance
5pm: – HERBIE GOES BANANAS – Story of Omagh man Herbie Kelly who put £300 on Tyrone to beat Mayo in August
7:30pm: – PHILOMENA – Autobiographical drama as Scarlett Johansson plays Philomena Begley in the story of her astronomical rise out of Pomeroy to international acclaim
10pm: – CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND – Thriller as the bru man visits houses in Augher, Clogher and Fivemiletown
Tyrone Tribulations 