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Eglish Man Gives In To 21st Century And Buys CD Player
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Eglish finally succumbed to the relentless march of progress and bought a CD player on Saturday afternoon in Dungannon.
“I’ve always been an early adapter with all the new technologies, and buy stuff just as they come onto the market”, said Terry Malloy, an astro-physicist from Eglish. “I was one of the first to buy a fax machine about three years ago and you still don’t see very many of them about. I’ve always loved vinyl but now it’s time to embrace the modern world, and this Amstrad CD player is a beauty”.
Malloy bought the Amstrad CD430 stereo system for £35 from Johnny Skinner’s hardware shop in Dungannon, which comes complete with a twin-deck tape recorder.
“Two tape recorders, not just one!” said a proud Malloy. “So I can tape the CDs and then play them on my Walkman when I’m in the lab smashing photons into each other. Did you know that it’s got something on it called ‘Shuffle’? I know what you’re thinkin’. But it’s nothing to do with playing cards. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like putting all the songs that were in one order into a different order but not the same different order every time but a different different order. I’m still getting my head round it”, admitted Malloy, shaking his head in wonder. “Everyone will have one of these soon”, he predicted. “Well, maybe not them ones in Greencastle”.
Malloy’s first foray into the CD market was the purchase of Daniel O’Donnell’s ‘Moon Over Ireland’ album. Unfortunately, he got so excited about hearing the Donegal pensioner-botherer, the CD got badly scratched when Malloy got confused and tried to play it on his old record deck.
“Fitting 70 minutes of music onto this wee disc thing is deadly”, enthused Malloy. “In like a hundred years, they might find a way of squeezing maybe 2 hours onto it, but I’m not holding my breath. Jaysus, it would be like something out of Doctor Who or Space 1999”
Evidence Of Tyrone Women ‘Doing Themselves Up’ For Obama Undeniable
Typical Augher woman today
The county’s tanning salons and hairdressers have reported a 300% rise in bookings in the last month, finally confirming that Tyrone women are going that extra mile to look a bit better in case the American president sees them on a random spin around the roads. Excitement amongst Red Hand women has reached fever pitch with many husbands and boyfriends complaining about their partners being ‘a right bit distracted’ over the last few weeks with the arrival of President Obama imminent for the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Mary’s Salon in The Rock explained the extent of the grooming:
“It’s been deadly. I’d say about three-quarters of the Rock’s women have their hair set already. Even women who should know better, grannies and the like, have been getting blue rinses since Easter almost on a weekly basis. Women from as far as Moortown were coming here to get their eyebrows mowed or for Turkish shaves. I’m completely out of Pond’s anti-wrinkle cream. The Fitzgerald family from Derrytresk bought the whole box. You’d think Robert Redford had landed in the county. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Mary’s have reported a rise in toenail cutting appointments from Eglish and hairy chin removals in Lissan with a noticeable rise in Tattyreagh women looking ‘them there push-up bras’. Omagh women have been the highest users of the leg-shaving services, preferring the cut-throat blade after years of neglect. Not all reports have been of a positive nature with stories of sabotage leaking through to us on a regular basis. Fr Kelly from Donaghmore says it could cut up rough yet:
“I see the way the wemen are looking at each other during mass, especially at those wearing new frocks. I saw it coming but last week a woman tripped her cousin going up for communion, ruining her sexy trendy banded casual above the knee mini dress, not that I would know about those things. I caught two of the sacristans pulling the hair out of each other during Stations of the Cross. I’ve a bad feeling about how this will end up.”
Neglected Tyrone Husbands have started up a website to cater for men who feel a bit hacked off about the whole thing. They can share stories and have a good old communal cry.
Moy Internet Cafe Closes Down. Owner Tired Of Explaining Stuff.
Moy man on Google
One of The Moy’s most adventurous business ventures closed today after the owner, Colm Mackle, admitted he was ‘sick and tired’ of explaining what surfing the net meant to confused locals. Tyrone’s first Internet Cafe was launched last month with a fanfare of sandwiches and cold drinks whilst an Apple Store employee from Benburb cut the rope around the shop. Early euphoria soon turned to resentment after Mackle became scundered with requests from patrons like ‘how does this mice yoke work’ and ‘how do you get on to the next line’.
“Ah I enjoyed the first day, seeing the faces of Moy people who thought computers could only be found in America or London. But then it began. One of the first complaints was from a young girl from the Armagh Road who said she was afraid of mice and if I could get her another animal. Men and women were talking to the screen thinking there was someone inside it. And they all seem to forget what I told them as the next day was exactly the same.”
Mackle called it a day soon after he called his first tutorial class on “How to surf the web”.
“I thought I’d educate the locals on surfing and advertised a Beginners Guide to Surfing. 30 turned up. 28 of them were wearing wetsuits, breathing apparatus and carrying a stack of towels. The other two brought dusters ‘for the webs’. What a waste of money this venture was. A centre for left-footed Aborigine Ballet would’ve had as much success as I had with this idea. The Moy ain’t ready for the Internet.”
Local actor, Tony Gribbon, reckons they’re better off without it:
“Ah sure any time I was in it I couldn’t get near it for the amount of surfers looking at videos on YouTube of people falling over or tractor diffing. I mean, it was the only site used. Then there were oul lads typing in ‘bare women’ and getting Mackle into bother.”
Future Of Tyrone’s Coastguard Helicopter In Jeopardy As Pilot Held To Account
On duty, this morning
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
The future of Tyrone’s coastguard service lies in doubt amidst claims that the helicopter pilot employed by the Coastguard was witnessed on several occasions using the aircraft for his own personal use. Kieran Doherty of Trillick was allegedly seen landing in the Tesco car park in Dungannon to use the cash dispenser two weeks ago on Saturday. He defended his actions, saying:
“I thought I saw someone close to the edge of the lake in Dungannon Park. You can’t be too careful you know. I went in to make an emergency landing but she over-shot and accidentally landed in Tesco’s car park. Just next to the cash point. And anyway, I could hardly have landed in Dungannon Square, could I? It’s heaving on a Saturday afternoon”.
Doherty has also had to defend accusations that he hovered at less than 50 feet above the pitch for the entire second half at last Sunday’s match at St Colmcille’s football ground between Carrickmore and Eglish, allegedly to get a pilot’s eye view of the game. “Not true” said a heated Doherty.
“I just happened to be flying by and saw a whole lock of people waving and shouting. We’re trained in the Coastguard that that sort of thing can often be a sign of people drowning, so I went in for a closer look. By the time I realised all was in order, Mark Donnelly had scored two brilliant goals and was going for the hat trick. Deadly. He’d probably have got it if the ball hadn’t flown into the rotors. Some boy that Donnelly”.
The claims come at a time when many people are questioning the benefit of the Coastguard service, which is based at Omagh. The helicopter, an Agusta Westland AW139 model, currently costs the public purse more than £1m each year to operate. “It’s ridiculous” said local MP Sean Cribben, an opponent of the service. “It’s utter madness to have a coastguard helicopter for Tyrone when any idiot can see it’s a bonkers idea. A lifeboat would be much more cost effective”.
Criticism has also come from certain parts of the county who have been distressed by the presence of the helicopter. Stewartstown residents in particular have been reported as being terrified of the “big noisy sky bird”, and have run into their homes screaming.
Moy Accordion Player Admits To Being Way Out Of His Depth During Session With Eglish Band
Sharkey, before the Polka
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
An inexperienced session musician has admitted to being way out his comfort zone during a session at Tomney’s in the Moy on Monday night. Noel Sharkey, 78, of Gorestown Road had been touted as the best musician to come out of The Moy since Ryan Kelly after he won the tin whistle solo in P7 playing Roddy McCorley at the Dungannon Feis in 1941.
“It was cat” said Sharkey, still shaken by the experience. “It was all going fine to start with. The Eglish crowd let me play alongside them and we were doing Nancy Spain. Nice and easy on the fingers. And then the man on the fiddle decided to up it with Phil the Fluter’s Ball. To make it worse he started tearing away, getting faster and faster. Flip, like there wasn’t enough pressure with all the Moy regulars willing me on without the rest of those lads playing like the clappers and me trying to keep up. I think the fiddler must have smelt the fear off me, the oul Eglish bollocks. I was doing my best but by the time he started onto the Kerry Polka, I just shut my eyes and hoped everyone would think I was really into the session, but to be honest I was just praying it would stop and the sweat was blinding me anyway. At one point I thought my hands were going to fall off. Even the boy on the bodhran seemed to be doing okay, and you know what them lot are like.”
Fortunately, Sharkey had the presence of mind to create a diversion.
“I started throwing in the odd ‘yeooo!’ and ‘hup!’ at the top of my voice like I was mad into it. I saw Christy Moore do it once with the Dubliners on You Tube and thought it was class. Come to think of it, maybe Christy was struggling to keep up as well. He was certainly doing plenty of sweating”.
As the Polka finished, Noel pretended he’d consumed a bad pint, lifted his accordion, made his excuses and headed home. Looking back on the evening Sharkey commented, “Lucky escape. Jaysus, what a nightmare. The longest five minutes of my life. I’ll only be doing Roddy McCorley or Raglan Road from now on”.
Benburb Man Doesn’t Like Champ. Mixed Reception.
No more for Rafferty’s mouth
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A 28-year old Benburb joiner finally admitted to his family yesterday lunchtime that he doesn’t like champ, and never has. Aiden Rafferty’s dramatic ‘coming out’ occurred during a chicken roast dinner at his ma’s house in the Tullydowey Road before Eastenders on RTE, when he finally plucked up the courage to tell his father Tom, mother Mary, and two sisters Roisin and Rachel.
“Growing up I knew I was different to the other kids,” said Rafferty. “They were all just horsing the champ into them like mad and I just wasn’t like that. I was always confused about my feelings towards the potato. Some of the kids used to call me hurtful names, ‘potater hater’ and all that. I tried to ignore the cruel jibes but it was never easy, especially the Dungannon ones at the Academy.”
It has emerged that his family are still adjusting to the news. Late last night a fight was reportedly broken up outside the Benburb Arms involving Tom Rafferty who reacted violently to a bit of gentle slagging about his ‘champion son’ and other potato-related puns.
“When I told my da he just stood up and walked out the room. He only came back when mum brought out the Blue Ribands. He hasn’t talked to me since. I think it’s hard for him to accept me as I am, him being originally from Eglish and all. My mum has been more supportive, and my sister Roisin said that she always suspected I didn’t like champ. I’ve been keeping this inside me for so long, I can now be true to myself and get tore into the basmati rice whenever I like”.
Some locals have reacted badly to the news, calling for Rafferty to be chased out of the townland to somewhere like Donaghmore or Castlecaulfield where other fussy food people live in relevant harmony. Others have welcomed the news, intimating that it will help Benburb stumble into the 21st century.
Rafferty is currently receiving support and counselling from the Champ & Colcannon Aversion Trust in Craigavon, which helps those with potato disinclination. Anyone affected by this article can contact them on 02980 665887.
Eglish Man Breaks Lent. Lets Rip In Aftermath.
McGleenan, after losing to Eskra in 2011
An Eglish Pioneer, John McGleenan, has reportedly smashed his lenten promise in style and is currently ‘worse than ever’ at the cursing, according to his son who has decided to move to Cappagh. McGleenan had lasted over a week without a bad word emanating from his mouth until he heard the result from the Ulster Senior League match between his beloved Eglish and Magherafelt. A former reserve player and waterboy from 1986-1999, ‘Feckin’ John, as he’s called in the area, is a passionate and ardent St Patrick’s supporter but had recently been told to stop his match-going following a high blood pressure reading last month. Enda McGleenan, his 26-year old son and playing member of the senior team, knew his father’s lenten vow of a period of 40-days without cursing was about to end when he got home after the game.
“Ah as soon as the final whistle went I knew it was all over. In normal circumstances a draw in a friendly game with Magherafelt would be seen as acceptable progress, but not when my da’s concerned. He loses the bap completely if we don’t win. Last year we lost to Derrytresk and he locked me in the attic for five hours and burned down the outhouse. We thought the lent cursing thing would help him to curb his temper but it was simply a simmering volcano waiting to explode. 10 days of abstinence erupted yesterday. I muttered “9-all draw” when he asked. He simply set down his knife and fork and walked out to the yard. The next thing I saw was the dog yelping and hurtling through the spring Eglish sky, followed by a string of expletives I’d never even heard of. What is a ‘bollocksing shower of a hoor of a Derry bollocks’ anyway? Made no sense”
Reports suggest that McGleenan went on a rampage for the rest of the day, cursing vehemently at any passers-by regarding land, horse-meat, the Brits, Free-Staters, Europeans, the weather and spuds. 93-year-old Maisie Gildernew near fainted after hearing rude words she’d last come across when the Yank soldiers stopped off at the Brantry in 1942.
New Reality TV Show For Benburb. ‘Wreckin About’ To Air In July.
Benburb on a Saturday
A new reality TV show is to be launched in Benburb later in the year as part of the Benburb Sunday celebrations. Filmed entirely in the area, the show is set to follow three families around for 24 hours a day for ten weeks, called ‘Wreckin About’. Despite initial apathy towards the idea amongst the locals, the Dutch TV company BSE managed to convince three families in the area to take part in the programme which will record their every second on camera, be it at work, home or just wandering about the fields. The first to sign up were the Glackans, one of the quietest families in the area. Gertie Glackan explained their decision:
“Ah sure isn’t it great. They did a trial run last week and all went well. I was afraid there wouldn’t be much happening in the house or Benburb itself and people would turn off the TV in their droves. But you just don’t realise the dramas that happens week in week out. Didn’t the top shower start leaking. It was some handlin. The cameras were up like a shot and filmed the drip. Then a tiler from the Moy turned up to give a quote to fix it. He said £120 all in – £85 for the labour and £35 for the sealant. Well didn’t my Patsy go clean mad and called him all the fleecing bastards of the day and a typical Moy thieving bollocks. It was very dramatic. I pretended to cry to add to the whole atmosphere. Them Dutch ones were loving it.”
The identity of the two other families remain a mystery at the minute but speculation is rife that the Martins, the blow-ins from Eglish who encounter bad manners from locals on a daily basis, have signed up to the project. Last year there was a bit of a scandal when Leo Martin was called ‘an oul woman’ by the Benburb Church cleaner after he turned up for service wearing a jumper tied around his shoulders.
The show will air in July.
Moy Woman Gets Tattoo. Locals Give Verdict.
Llama in the Moy
Miss Moy 1988, Pamela Jordan (42), ‘went ahead anyway’ and got a tattoo of a llama on her outer thigh despite reservations expressed in the hamlet during the week. Jordan became the first Moy woman to go under the needle since Kirsty Mackle had a small gnu tattooed onto her heel in 1986. They remain the only people from the area to sport a tattoo. Eglish have reportedly seventeen people with skin graffiti. Tyrone Tribulations went out and about The Moy this morning to gauge reaction to Jordan’s decision.
“Well Holy Jaysus. Why in under God did she go ahead with it? She was a great looking young girl. That Miss Moy ’88 has gone to her head altogether. It’s in them Jordans. Her great aunt Elma was the first woman in the Moy to wear a short skirt, in 1949. I remember the local PP fainting when she went up for communion. To be fair, attendances went up. Something for the dads.” PADDY HOLMES (88)
“A llama. A buckin llama. What is wrong with a chinese proverb or some kind of celtic thing? It’s in them Jordans. Always thinking they’re pioneers. See them llamas, when they don’t like the eye in your head they start spitting, kicking and neck wrestling. Give it three months and all the young girls will be spitting and neck wrestling. I don’t mind the kicking.” SUSAN GLACKIN (55)
“Ah sure isn’t it great. A bit of positive news for the village. Although it’s in them Jordans, she’s free to do what she wants with her thighs. As for the llama, sure isn’t better than my nephew from Eglish who got one of a cock. Or was it a hen? I cannot remember but it was some kind of fowl. Some dick. Not the tattoo, him.” DENISE MARTIN (45)
“A gnu. Now a llama. Next they’ll be devil worshipping or snorting meth.” FR TOBY CASSIDY (71)
Eglish Entrepreneur’s Dragons’ Den Dejection
Self-styled madcap Eglish inventer Mattie Glackin has slammed the judges from the BBC show Dragon’s Den after being rejected by all five dragons following his sales pitch which fell on deaf ears. The show, which sees entrepreneurs attempt to secure funding from rich benefactors (dragons) for their innovative idea, saw its biggest viewing figures in Tyrone since the series began. A total of 68 people watched Mattie hit the dragons with everything he had, only to fall short of the mark in spectacular style. Earlier, Glackin gave his reaction:
“Shower a fcukers, the lot of them. How could they not be impressed, especially with my first proposal – the Spovel. The Spovel is a mixture of a spade and a shovel. You can dig holes with it as a spade and in order to shovel the soil away you press a button at the top of the shaft and hey presto – curved walls appear on either side of the spade. I showed it to the lads down the club the day before and one fella said it was class. Not these hoors. That Duncan Ballantyne boy said it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever seen. I nearly rammed the Spovel up his hole right there and then. I should have.”
Undeterred, Glackin managed to pull out two more inventions only to be faced with the same response only on a much blunter scale.
“I then showed them the Bocks. The Bock is a boot with a sock already inside it, attached. I tried it for a week beforehand and I found that I cut my getting ready time in the morning by at least 45 seconds. There was no need to be looking for socks. One of the dragons asked for security to remove me at this stage. Before they arrived up the stairs, I showed the dragons my Spork – a mixture of spoon and fork. The woman dragon told me never to darken their doors again “with that shite” she says. The tall boy at the end of the line said the Spork already exists and that I would be hearing from a solicitor. All-in-all it was a horrific experience. I was glad to be back in Eglish. I’ve already received six orders for the Bocks from local builders.”
Glackin says he remains positive about his future and aims to shatter the local impression of him as a ‘useless oul bollox’ as described by his old headmaster. He is currently working on a ‘Studgel’ – a stick and a cudgel all in one – an instrument you can use as a walking stick as well as a weapon for fighting outside discos at the weekend.
Benburb Priest Rares Up Over Parking Spot
Well known Benburb cleric, Fr McNally(originally from Maghery), has stunned the Benburb parishioners by going on a verbal rampage during Stations of the Cross tonight in St Mary’s Church. It has emerged that the reason for his outburst surrounded the decision of sacristan Mrs Gildernew to park in his spot outside the vestry door. Although the car park was three-quarters empty, Fr McNally took issue with the sacristan’s manoeuvrings, three minutes before he arrived on the scene.
“I’d never seen the likes of it,” avid church-goer Kitty Mulgrew told us. “The good Father just went berserk calling the whole parish a ‘bunch of selfish pricks‘. He said that’ll be the last time he’ll set foot in this ‘hellhole of a place‘. Then he lit on the Gildernew family saying they were a shower of Eglish blow-ins anyway. It was savage stuff.”
An artist’s impression of Fr McNally
Things took a turn for the worse when he ordered the altar boys to bounce Mrs Gildernew’s car out of his parking square. The young boys, aged 8-11, only managed to slightly move her Ford Ka before Mr Gildernew arrived with a shotgun. Mulgrew added:
“It was like a real western scene, the likes never seen in Benburb before. Patsy Gildernew told the altar boys to get back into the vestry but the Father was blocking their way. It was only when Gildernew threatened to blow his head back to Maghery that Fr McNally relented. Jaysus we thought it was one of them British soaps.”
Mrs Mulgrew has since resigned from her sacristy post and took a taxi home, leaving the car there for badness.
Moy To Drop ‘The’
NTIMLA (No The In Moy Liberation Army) leader Calum Donakey issued a chilling warning as it emerged yesterday that Moy have lodged detailed plans to the UK Deed Poll Service regarding the use of ‘the’ in common everyday mention of Moy. This move comes after an elongated campaign by The Moy villagers to prefix every other townland or hamlet in Tyrone with ‘the’, sometimes resulting in bloodbath on the roads and loanans in the county. Just last week, UTV Live highlighted the mass brawl in The Moy after ‘The Eglish’ was scrawled on a gable wall on the Terryglassog Road. Eglish natives descended on the home-patch of their neighbours in their thousands, declaring war on anyone with red paint on their hands or those ‘with a bad eye in their head’ which included the majority of the hamlet. 32 people were taken to hospital with pike wounds.
Tensions were high
“Lose The The” spokesperson and ex-county player Phillipe Jardin told us:
“We’re sick to the back teeth of people taking the mickey with our names. At school all Moy people were bullied by munchies and townies alike, calling us things like ‘the Phillipe from the Moy’ an all, even the bastard teachers. At the start it was a bit of craic with only the Blackwatertown boys saying it but even RTE have adopted the ‘the’ and its busting all our balls, even the women. Look at the signpost fer feck sakes.”
NTIMLA Militant Calum Donakey added:
“No more. From here on in, until the UK Deeds shower enforce the verbal abolition of ‘the’, we see anyone using ‘the’ with ‘Moy’ as a legitimate target. We have the support of the people. An Maigh Abu”
before bursting into a rendition of ‘Blanket on the Ground‘, their signature tune.
The Rock are monitoring the situation with interest.
Tyrone Tribulations 