Category Archives: Stewartstown
Stewartstown Labourer Sacked For Having Fancy Sandwiches
Coyne felt alienated
An experienced labourer and expert hole-digger has expressed his disappointment after receiving his marching orders for continually bringing less traditional fillings for his lunch time sandwiches. Fergal Coyne, 44, claims his ability to think outside the box has cost him his job:
“I’ve been working on sites since I was 15 and recently got sick of eating corned beef and ham sandwiches day in-day out. We’re currently adding a beer garden to the back of the Credit Union and I thought I would spice up my lunch break by bringing in smoked salmon and egg mayo fillings for a granary breaded effort. Well, the looks I got when I explained what it was. One lad from Galbally said ‘your type is not wanted around here’ as he got tore into his apple and chocolate Club bar. I ignored him but then his mate came over and kicked the sandwich clean out of my hand.”
Undeterred, Coyne returned next morning with a mango and cashew filling but was met with an even frostier reception.
“I was digging a great hole and I spotted two boys from Pomeroy going through my stuff. By the time I went over they had smeared ‘stop being a bollocks’ on the gable wall with my filling. It was disheartening. I phoned the Builders’ Union that night to come in and observe the discrimination the next day”.
The Stewartstown Builders’ Union were on site in the morning and witnessed events first hand:
“Yes, we saw what the problem was. Fergal arrived this morning with pita bread filled with beef and vegetables. We were shocked and felt quite angry, almost aggressive, towards him. For decades we’ve been eating the traditional four ham sandwiches, tin of Fanta, apple, Club biscuit and maybe a banana. We’ve no time for this fancy dan American stuff. So we fecked him off the site and told him he’ll never get another job digging holes in Stewartstown again. We’ll also pay out compensation to the other workers for stress related illnesses.”
Coyne is considering moving to Donaghmore.
Tyrone Counting The Cost Of A Warm Weekend
Kildress man this morning
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
People in the county this morning woke up to yet another hot day, with many yearning for the typical Tyrone summers of drizzle, cloud and the occasional sleet shower.
“Last night in bed was just awful”, said a 62 year old man from Sandholes who asked not to be named. “Jaysus, I was sweating like a galloping stallion. I had to strip off the flannelette long johns at one point it was so hot, and then did the missus not start getting ideas in her head. I had to turn on the light to wise her up”.
Men are facing the prospect of now having to change their shirt at least once a week before children and elderly relatives start passing out from the overpowering smell, whilst many others have spent the weekend searching through car manuals to find how to switch the air conditioning on.
“This weather’s appalling”, said Jack Dolan, a door handle polisher from Kildress. “All we’re after is a wee bit of nice summer weather and what have we got? Scorching hot sun. Disaster. I’m sure it’s not my imagination, but years ago the summers seemed to be much better. Do you remember that summer of 87? Poured with rain every day for a month. Mighty. The Tones play deadly in the wet”.
A spokesperson for Dungannon & South Tyrone Council agreed.
“What we yearn for is the summers of yesteryear when a Tyrone summer was a proper summer. Lashing rain. At least we knew where we stood. We’re not set up for sunny days. We made the mistake of announcing on Saturday that it was 23 degrees in the shade. So a whole bunch of people from Stewartstown decided it would be better to stay the sun. We didn’t think it through”.
Dungannon Hospital confirmed that it has had an unprecedented number of people turning up with sunburn. “What are they playing at?” said Sheila Quinn from Edendork, one of the doctors on duty over the weekend. “Half of the people in this county would get third degree burns going out under a crescent moon, never mind a boiling hot sun. It’s tara. We admitted one man yesterday with the worst case of sunburn on his legs I’ve ever seen. We had to prescribe Viagra just to help keep the sheets off it”.
The Met Office confirmed that torrential rain is forecast for the rest of the summer.
Tyrone Women Bracing Themselves As Husbands Bring Out Barbecues
Urney Barbecue
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Thousands of women across the county are preparing for the worst as the warm weather looks set to continue into the weekend. As husbands in their droves drag barbecues out from behind the shed and start scraping the rust off, wives and partners are abruptly turning vegetarian overnight, sending children off to relatives, and frantically keying ‘999’ into the speed dial on their phones.
“I’ve scarce got over last year to be honest” said one woman from Urney. “It was the one warm day of June and I was looking forward to a nice quiet day in the garden but my man insisted on having a barbecue and cooking the whole lot himself. Jaysus, I was hoping to get a nice tan, and I ended up with the most tara scitter for the rest of the week. I couldn’t get the taste of rust out of my mouth for days”.
Another woman, from Cabragh, shared concerns.
“Barbecue? Barbe-spew more like. Last year I ate a couple of his burgers and some ribs that he got cheap from somewhere. Jaysus, did I not see them again half an hour later. My stomach was like one of those lava lamps for a month. And he’s always getting Sheena and Des over, our neighbours from across the way. We end up getting drunk and admit personal things and then we avoid eye-contact for six months for fear of what was said that night even though no one can remember”.
“What’s going on with all this weather?” demanded another woman from Brocagh. “Usually by the time the sun comes out here and my husband eventually gets off his arse to the get the barbecue stuff, it’s started raining or snowing. But the forecast last night said it’s guaranteed to be a really warm and pleasant weekend. What a nightmare”.
A spokeswoman from Dungannon & South Tyrone Council said that the weather is having far-reaching consequences beyond the back garden.
“Tyrone’s in unchartered territory here. For the first time in the county’s recorded history it’s definitely guaranteed to be a sunny weekend. Quite frankly, a lot of people are panicking. They don’t know what to do. We had one woman from Dungannon phoning us saying that normally if she goes out on a sunny day as a precaution she also takes a jumper, an umbrella, a pair of wellies, and a compass. What’s the poor woman supposed to take with her now?”
The Council have also has several calls from the Stewartstown area querying what the ‘big yellow hurty thing” is in the sky.
Future Of Tyrone’s Coastguard Helicopter In Jeopardy As Pilot Held To Account
On duty, this morning
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
The future of Tyrone’s coastguard service lies in doubt amidst claims that the helicopter pilot employed by the Coastguard was witnessed on several occasions using the aircraft for his own personal use. Kieran Doherty of Trillick was allegedly seen landing in the Tesco car park in Dungannon to use the cash dispenser two weeks ago on Saturday. He defended his actions, saying:
“I thought I saw someone close to the edge of the lake in Dungannon Park. You can’t be too careful you know. I went in to make an emergency landing but she over-shot and accidentally landed in Tesco’s car park. Just next to the cash point. And anyway, I could hardly have landed in Dungannon Square, could I? It’s heaving on a Saturday afternoon”.
Doherty has also had to defend accusations that he hovered at less than 50 feet above the pitch for the entire second half at last Sunday’s match at St Colmcille’s football ground between Carrickmore and Eglish, allegedly to get a pilot’s eye view of the game. “Not true” said a heated Doherty.
“I just happened to be flying by and saw a whole lock of people waving and shouting. We’re trained in the Coastguard that that sort of thing can often be a sign of people drowning, so I went in for a closer look. By the time I realised all was in order, Mark Donnelly had scored two brilliant goals and was going for the hat trick. Deadly. He’d probably have got it if the ball hadn’t flown into the rotors. Some boy that Donnelly”.
The claims come at a time when many people are questioning the benefit of the Coastguard service, which is based at Omagh. The helicopter, an Agusta Westland AW139 model, currently costs the public purse more than £1m each year to operate. “It’s ridiculous” said local MP Sean Cribben, an opponent of the service. “It’s utter madness to have a coastguard helicopter for Tyrone when any idiot can see it’s a bonkers idea. A lifeboat would be much more cost effective”.
Criticism has also come from certain parts of the county who have been distressed by the presence of the helicopter. Stewartstown residents in particular have been reported as being terrified of the “big noisy sky bird”, and have run into their homes screaming.
‘What’s On’ Guide For This Evening On Tribulations TV
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
To access, press the red button on your fax machine or go to channel 1 on any Sinclair ZX81 and type in ‘Run’.
5.00pm Cubs ‘n’ Weeans
A collection of Tribulations TV children’s programmes that have shaped the lives of Tyrone’s youngsters over the years, including Captain Pugwashingbay, Bill and Benburb, Tom and J’Erigal, and countless others. Contains swearing.
6.00pm The Culture Show: A Guide in Gentleman’s Etiquette
Presented by Malachy Mullan, local lady’s man and owner of the Donaghmore slaughterhouse, this week’s episode in self-betterment teaches aspiring young gentleman how to cough up balls of phlegm into your bare hand and then discretely wipe it on your trousers, and a valuable lesson in showing impressive restraint to a lady in a fancy Dungannon restaurant by not punching the waiter in the face when presented with the bill.
6.30pm Tyrone-ly Fools and Horses
Diarmid-Boy and Eugene drive about in a Reliant Robin that’s got ‘Paris London and Pomeroy’ painted on the side, and then fall through the bar in Hagan’s in Dungannon.
7.00pm Wife Swamp
Two wives, probably from Cabragh, dive face-down into a bog and get rescued by their husbands both of whom are in the advanced stages of inebriation, who then have a heated argument about which wife is which.
7.30pm James Bond: The Spy Who Loved Moy
Yer man gets lucky yet again with a nice piece from the Moy after a session in Tomney’s, and then gets to take her home in a fancy white sports car. Underwater.
9.45pm Tyrone in the 20s: A Step Back in Time
A fascinating insight into what it was like living in County Tyrone in the 1920s with no electricity, fresh running water, or modern vehicles, by using footage filmed in Stewartstown last week.
10.15pm Silage Witness
Drama about an Aughnacloy farmer who witnesses a bale of hay being stolen to order by an East European hay stealing ring, who is then drawn into the deadly underworld of black market hay espionage, armed with nothing but a big piece of blue rope.
11.00pm Mastermind
Hosted by local smart arse and Mensa-botherer John Quinlan from Mountfield, tonight’s four contestants face questions on their specialist subjects, ‘Tyrone’s Coastline’, ‘Fuel Siphoning’, ‘Tayto Salt ‘n’ Vinegar Crisps’ and ‘History of the Tarmac Rake’.
11.30pm Ardboe Selecta
A man in an odd-looking mask wanders round Ardboe near the Battery Harbour shouting “ghost oh biys” to strangers.
Tyrone Estate Agents April Catalogue Top Offers
Washingbay Road, Coalisland
This excellent 7 bedroom detached two storey dwelling with missing double garage is located on the hiving Washingbay Road, approximately half a mile from the busy lights of Coalisland and far enough from Stewartstown. There is the option to purchase an additional 2 acres of unrelated black-turfed bogland in Derrylaughan. The property is in close proximity of both Coalisland and Clonoe GAA pitches, multi-denominational churches with Fr Benny’s sermons a local must-do experience, Landi’s, Springisland carvery, the former sandpit I think and scenic routes rambling across the ramparts to Derrytresk to find the bag-wielding woman, South Tyrone Hospital for plasters, Dr McKenna’s surgery and the Brackaville 9-hole deluxe Golf Course. The property needs some renovation and will undoubtedly attract a huge amount of interest and would make an excellent family home for people from Brocagh or the Windmill.
Offers over £175,000
Neagh’s Edge, Ardboe
Bright and spacious, needs window panes and a bit of residential roofing help, this detached family home offers excellent accommodation with panoramic views over the Lough. The property offers excellent family accommodation with four well proportioned walls and all the outside toilet you want. A master bedroom en-suite has yet to be completed as no one knows what that is. Viewing is essential to fully appreciate this magnificent home and the surrounding views and privacy. Local phrase book ‘Ghost-Oh’ will help non-local buyers. Shouts from the Battery Bar usually dies down at midnight, as soon as the first bare-knuckler hits the deck. Please use a face-netting device to ward off midges on viewing. Comes with free fishing rod.
Offers over £80’000
Merchanstown Road, Loughmacrory
This superb detached 4 bedroom bungalow is situated approximately 1 mile from the Village of Loughmacrory and 12 feet into the air, supported by stilts. Internally the property is finished to a very high standard and most be viewed to be fully appreciated. Great parking facilities. Burglar-proof and a great deterrent to boys selling tickets for Omagh GAA. The recent million-pound sports deal in Loughmacrory will see this property turn to gold-dust as a rental opportunity for Ethiopian long-distance runners, Canadian curlers and the like. Get on the Loughmacrory market NOW!
Offers over £45’000
Sessiadonaghy Road, Galbally
This generous 1 acre site has unrestricted planning permission and is located on the Sessiadonaghy road, approximately 4 miles from the village of Donaghmore, far enough to avoid tuts of middle-class displeasure. Needs to be viewed internally if possible to understand the character that once existed in this ex-brothel amidst rural Galbally. Local priest is nearly sure this once-haunted dwelling is now clean. The fallen tree is optional.
Offers over £30 or E50
Stewartstown Nostalgia Night Draws A Blank
Not much happening
The much-anticipated ‘Nostalgia Night’ organised by the newly founded Stewartstown Historical Society ended early last night as not many could remember much that had happened in the area. The reason for the mass loss of memory is still under investigation with possible theories to be assessed such as some kind of lignite poisoning, too much drink taken over the years or the possibility that nothing has actually happened. The meeting, which started at 8pm and was attended by at least 1000 residents, ended at 8:30pm with a rendition of Faith Of Our Fathers and a goodie bag (pencil, tracing paper and a fudge) for all attendees. Chief organiser, Gerry Fee, was at a loss to explain the early finish:
“To be honest, I thought we’d be yarning away long into the early hours of this morning with tales of daring deeds and humorous turn of events. It wasn’t until the introductory speech had finished and the floor was opened up to the public that the horrible truth was clearly evident. Nobody could remember anything that had happened. After ten minutes, one woman did put her hand up and thought the football team reached an All-Ireland final a few years ago and says she vaguely recalls Fergal Logan in a jersey. She was quickly ridiculed by the others who said it was a foolish thing to claim and that Stewartstown have never nearly won anything. I put All-Ireland final with a question mark on the massive ‘White Board Of Memories’ just to take the bad look off it.”
Events appeared to take a turn for the better when another elderly man says he clearly remembers Dennis Taylor coming home in a van to parade a cup he won in England in the early 80s. A cheer went up at this recollection until it was pointed out that this probably happened in Coalisland as he was born down there. The Historical Society have asked people to email them with any memories they finally recall so they can put something on the whiteboard.
Omagh Newspaper Staff Face The Sack. Hiding Culture Exposed.
Business editor hiding
The entire staff of an unnamed newspaper with offices based in Omagh are facing the axe after a rebel investigative journalist uncovered a culture of hiding from the boss whilst on duty. The renegade hack, a former employee of the newspaper group in question, managed to collate video and photographic evidence of the mass skiving which will form the basis of an exclusive documentary that will be aired on mainstream TV next summer.
“Finally got the bastards,” Deckie Brogan told us, “but I wasn’t aware at the extent of it all. I caught a Stewartstown employee, laden with awards and all, and he was hiding out in the boiler house behind the car park with a mattress, pillow and mini-TV with freeview. The owners thought he was out sourcing stories on farming. He was getting them on the Internet the night before. Then there was a boy from Beragh who was hiding behind a skip in the town when he was meant to be at football matches getting reports. He’d set an alarm to go off about fifteen minutes before the the end of the working day, check the scores on Twitter and go back to the offices looking foundered for effect. It was widespread.”
Fermanagh man Brogan will also relate the story of a Derry journalist who insisted on wearing dark glasses supposedly because of the glare of the screen. He simply slept with his hands on the keyboard. An Armagh employee, who was meant to be sourcing articles on fashion trends, would leave the office at half nine, check into the Silver Berch Hotel and read the Ulster Tatler for a few hours. One of the journalists who was caught redhanded admitted:
“Ah Jeepers, I’m done for now. It’s a sad state of affairs that a private sector worker can’t hide but that’s a sign of the times. I might as well get another job that I can do a bit of skiving in. Teaching maybe.”
The newspaper are asking readers to text in their choice as to who should be sacked first. Texts cost £2.
33 Stewartstown Motorists Fined For Picking Nose In Traffic
Suggested driving gear for Stewartstonians
Over thirty Stewartstown women and men were fined this evening on their way out the Lisnastrane Road following a PSNI sting on blatant public nose-picking motorists.
Labelled ‘Operation Neb’, the police service landed £30 on the spot fines to the wannabe Christmas shoppers within an age range of 17-81. The action was taken after a rash of complaints since the summer regarding the upsurge of loose-fingered drivers, especially those driving Astras. Superintendent Mark Delilah explained:
“We’d been inundated with complaints from Coalisland and Cookstown residents in recent months regarding the chain of nose-pickers winding their way towards their towns to do a bit of shopping. Children were being chased into houses or alleyways by protective parents for fear they’d catch a glimpse of this monstrous habit. We simply had to act. Intelligence operators told us the residents generally left their houses around 7pm after dinner. Hiding in the hedge, we saw the initial few cars weave their way towards Coalisland and sure enough the first few were hoking around their snouts. Without hesitation we pounced, nailing 33 motorists. Hopefully that is the warning shot Stewartstown needed.”
Amongst the offenders was 75 year old Frances Dillon, a retired knitting machine operator.
“I was picking me nasal passage because I thought you had to. Any motor making its way to Coalisland from Stewartstown would have someone cleaning out their sniffer. I just believed it was compulsory in order to smell the delightful spices around Annagher or the Lineside. I’ll not be paying the thirty quid. They can stick it.”
Stewartstown Residents Society are considering blocking the Lisnastrane Road tomorrow in a show of solidarity for the accused, especially Fergal Tennyson so was fined £60 for scratching his arse at the same time.
Row Brewing Over Stewartstown Christmas Lights
Stewartstown’s latest acquisition?
The annual turning on of the Stewartstown lights, a highlight in the calendar for many in the whole of Ireland, has descended into a mire of allegations and threats which has left the chance of the extravaganza ever happening doubtful. Previous years has witnessed stars such as Malachi Cush, the Stewartstown Credit Union Manager, Pat the lollypop man, an extra from Titanic, Tommy Corr, Dennis Taylor, Ronan McSherry, Dolly Parton, Jimmy Cricket, a Powerscreen executive and Miss Stewartstown Wrangler Jeans 1977 amongst others turn on the lights. Next week, as in other years, a vote was to be taken between the Christmas Committee members as to who would do the honours in 2012.
“It is a farce. Everyone knew there was a smear campaign against Fergal Logan who was the people’s favourite this year. Fergal has been representing Stewartstown on the national stage for years now through is daring high catches on the field to getting lads off big bans in the court room. He’s an adonis around here. All the wemen are mad about him. We had a fair idea that a group of businessmen wanted a boy who works for that lingerie company Ann Summers to turn on the lights as well as half the men and women. They have this idea that an Ann Summers shop in Stewartstown would be a real goer because of the rampant nature of people in the local area.”
Unfounded rumours began to circulate a month ago that Logan had been spraying random juvenile graffiti around the area about rap stars like Tinie Tempah, Eminem and Vanilla Ice as well as things like ‘We Want Knickers’, ‘I Like Bras’, ‘The Ridin Capital Of Ireland’ and ‘Dickheads do the Double’, an area very close to the hearts of Stewartstown locals. It is also well known that rap music is detested in the area in favour of hip-hop.
“It’s obvious that this was a smear campaign by the Ann Summers campaigners. There’s no way Logan would use the word knickers. Cacks or lady-trunks maybe. Not knickers. And Logan hates Tinie Tempah. He’s more of a Labyrinth man. Fergal would never criticise those signing on whilst working away. Sure they’re his best clients. No, this is an attempt by the Ann Summers shower to gain favour.”
The ‘Ann Summers For Stewartstown’ movement refuted the allegation of a smear campaign whilst reiterating how frisky the locals are, even in the middle of the week.
What’s On In Tyrone: Oct 27-28
GLENELLY. Former captain Joseph McCullagh becomes the first man to leave Glenelly for pastures new. There will be a going-away do in the community hall with music supplied by the Plumbridge Brass Band and Joseph’s uncle, Mattie McCullagh, who’s singing songs from the musicals. Festivities start 8pm tomorrow. Come along and see Joseph off in style before his long trek to Bundoran.
MOY. 13th Annual Camel Wrestling Event. A little known fact is that the only two camels in Ireland kept as pets both live in the Moy. This remarkable coincidence has lent itself to a yearly wrestling competition held between both even-toed ungulates. With 6 wins apiece this year’s fight promises to be a real humdinger. Ice cream made from camel milk will be provided for children. First bell rings at 7pm tonight.
TATTYREAGH. Annual bath for brides and grooms-to-be. Come along and witness the bathing of soon-to-be newlyweds in the Ballynahatty Water. Tradition in Tattyreagh dictates that all weddings in the area take place in November. At the end of October, all couples intending to tie the knot that year bathe in the freezing waters as relatives gather and clap. No showers are to take place between then and the wedding. That’s why the women hold flowers, to disguise the odour. First dipping at 11am Sunday.
STEWARTSTOWN. 100th Gurning Competition. Famous for its natural gurners, this year’s Stewartstown gala promises to be special as the centenary gurning weekend gets underway today outside the bank at 2pm. With competitions for all age groups and genders as usual, organisers have opened to competition to pets and livestock. Dan McCann is aiming for the ‘Most Miserable Bollocks’ title for the 5th consecutive year.
Dan McCann. Most Miserable Bollocks 2007-2011
Tyrone Court Notices – October 2012
I SAID NO ONE MOVE
Two Stewartstown mechanics have been refused bail after a botched robbery attempt in the local Post Office. McKnight and Hobson were attempting to rob the popular PO during lunch time yesterday only to be foiled by a misunderstanding between the pair. McKnight shouted “b’jaysus, nobody move” after securing the doors tight. All staff and customers obediently stood still whilst his fellow robber moved to collect the money from the counter and was promptly shot in the leg by his nervous partner. Case adjourned until Hobson recovers.
A SLOW DAY
A robbery in Coalisland was foiled when police managed to arrest the villain after two hours from the commencement of the dastardly deed. Murray held up the town’s chip shop and tied up the owner only to find there were few takings in the till (£9.50). He proceeded to put on the shop’s overalls and worked for two hours serving locals chips, fish, mineral and sausages in order to boost his takings by which time the PSNI arrived and arrested him. The judged sentenced Murray to three months but commended him on his work ethic.
UNDERAGE ROBBERY
A canny Strabane off-license vendor saved the day after an initially successful robbery of the till in the town’s Winemart. The Sion Mills robber, Mr Tomney, held up the off-license and filled his bags with the takings. He then demanded a bottle of whiskey from behind the counter. The fast thinking cashier, Mick Lundy, asked for ID to prove he was over 18. Tomney supplied it before making off with £45 and a bottle of Ardbeg single malt. Lundy immediately phoned the police with the naive robber’s name and address. The were waiting for him as he arrived home. Tomney is out on bail.
OLD HAGS
The Omagh Witch Trials began yesterday, the first of its kind in Ireland since 1467. Thirteen women were reported to authorities last weekend of possessing hag-like appearances and mumbling incoherently at the end of the night in the town square. The defense pointed to the fact that they were simply a group of Tattyreagh girls dressed up for the night to the best of their ability and were simply palatic by the time they spilled out onto the street at 1am. The prosecution, the Reverend Willy Smith, said he’d never seen such she-devil behaviour since a night out in Maynooth in 1969. The trial continues.
Stewartstown UFO Unexplained.
New Stewartstown resident?
Although daily sitings of a UFO in the greater Stewartstown area have diminished slightly since the weekend, the local Community Watch Committee remain vigilant over the whereabouts of the mysterious alien motor. Word first spread that there was some kind of vehicle in the sky soon after service at St Patrick Church of Ireland. Terence Bunn claims he was the first to spot the vehicle:
“I was thinking about what the good vicar had said about abstinence during his sermon and found myself staring into the sky contemplating drinking less on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays when all of a sudden I saw this unmistakeable disc-shaped object swirling gently in the breeze over the Stewartstown Credit Union. I almost collapsed in shock. No one came to my aid as they automatically thought I’d been drinking again, which admittedly I had been. It was only when I pointed to it that others became aware of the UFO. I hope that when the movie is made that someone like James Nesbitt or Clint Eastwood plays me.”
Before long, everyone in Stewartstown emptied out onto the main street (population approx. 1400) to stare at the moving object. Explanations ranged from a very fat moth to a hubcap. Within 24 hours, over half a million people descended on Stewartstown with the local pubs, shops and hostelries experiencing a roaring trade, unprecedented in the town’s history. They have since declared to be the richest town in Ireland with Fergal Logan as their first Lord Mayor.
One woman did come forward with an explanation. Frances Graham claimed her hat flew off her outside the church and that she’s 100% certain it’s hers as it was round, green with a red rosette on it – just like the UFO. She has since gone missing and her house graffitied with, “Do Ye Want To Be Called Tin Town Again, Ye Hoor”
Tyrone Lonely Hearts Club Vol. 2
Moortown man, heavy drinker, 35. Seeks any type of woman, size not important, who’s interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Moortown St Malachy’s and has been known to start fights outside the Glenavon at three o’clock in the morning. Good arms for pouring a must.
Teetotal Stewartstown joiner, 55, following a sad recent loss seeks a replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie.
Augher man, 44, hideous looking, obese, bad odour, bad-tempered, cowardly and lazy. Seeks the complete opposite. No time-wasters.
Loughmacrory woman, 39, currently researching animal public executions, seeks man up to 40 for nights of gentle sobbing while shaking clenched fists at the ceiling. Must have own car.
Bitter unsuccessful Omagh woman, 41, wallowing in an unending pit of self-pity, seeks nerdy, leech-type who I can bore to tears with dull tales and listening to K.D. Lang CDs.
4-toed Mountjoy farmer, 51, likes spiders, buttermilk and a good long mass. Seeks chesty lesbian for the challenge. Must have no sense of smell.
Tall, well-built, frustrated Cookstown woman, 40, can’t take any more rejection, seeks man not unused to the sound of wailing coming from a bedroom from which he is strictly prohibited. Needs to tell me how attractive I am on the hour.
Angry, simple-minded Aghaloo widower, 77, balding, partially blind with a passion for pickles and scotch eggs. Seeks a heavily-tattooed hairy woman for nights of passion in the open fields of Aughnacloy. No freaks.
Omagh Woman, 35. Happily married until husband sponsored an African village goat in her name as a birthday gift. Would like to meet man for whom the phrase ‘I’d really like a pair of diamond earrings’ isn’t meant ironically. Must have holiday home in Donegal and Europe.
“I Landed On Moon First”, claims Stewartstown Farmer
Was a Stewartstown farmer on this?
A Stewartstown pig-farmer has stunned the astronomical world by claiming that he was the first man to set foot on the moon and not the recently deceased Neil Armstrong. Mr Felix Philpot, originally from Coagh, went even further and cast doubts as to whether the Americans were on it at all. Philpot, who rents pigs to poor homeowners who can’t afford to own a normal pet like a cat, made the startling claim in Maguire’s butchers in the middle of the town.
“All this talk about Apollo this and Buzz Adrin that has sickened me to the balls. I made it to the moon in 1967 before the Yanks or Russians could consider it. Myself and the brother Tomas were messing around in the shed with the lawn mower when the thought hit me. Why not point the mower upwards, build an aluminium cage around it, get a few of those experimental jet-propelled rockets I’d bought the previous year from China and see how far she goes.”
Philpot claims he made ‘a dozen spud dinners and wrapped them in tinfoil, 5 or 6 packets of Rich Tea, a gallon of tea in flasks, a toilet roll and the paper’ before setting off on his journey alone as Tomas watched from below.
“It was a bit of a handlin at the start with the radiation belt almost blinding me 25’000 miles up but once she settled and the oil was massaging the engine, it was shoe to the burd til I landed on the moon that night. I kept er lit as they say”
Felix described the moon as a ‘lonely, desolate and scary’ place but recalls seeing some wildlife on it, casting doubt on Armstrong’s claims.
“There’s no way Neil could have missed the serious amount of Corncrakes flying about. The ground was sandy, not powdery as he said. I’d wonder where they there at all.”
Tomas, when contacted, cast doubts on Felix’s achievement.
“Will ye wise the head for feck sake. He went up about 100 feet and landed in the big sandpit at Tullyhogue. Our boy’s a total head-case. A nut-job. Just ask about”.
Philpot claims he left a reminder up there for future generations to recognise his achievement. “I was dying to go to the toilet and the lunar module was half a mile away, so I let rip in the middle of the Sea of Tranquility. The boyo is still probably sitting there.” The mystery remains.
Tyrone Tribulations 