Monthly Archives: March 2013
Coalisland Navvies Built Stonehenge 3000 Years Ago To Get Women, New Book Claims
The Island Men Built This By Mistake
A recent addition to the prehistoric monument library in London’s chief library has claimed that a group of Coalisland lads over looking for work in England 3000 years ago built the Stonehenge construction after another unsuccessful night out chasing the local women whilst most likely drinking ether or absinthe. Why the Fianna labourers built the monument is still open to interpretation although expert archeologist Dr Fredrick Winston OBE has put forward a couple of hypotheses:
“Firstly, let us acknowledge these brave innovators from Coalisland who came over here to lay down a few roads over 3000 years ago. Having arrived here they probably realised that roads hadn’t been invented yet nor train tracks for that matter. It’s a likely scenario that they decidhed to stay in England for the time being before making the long trek back to Coalisland by foot, a journey lasting 133 days. Personally, I believe they decided to built some kind of construction, hoping to entice the local women with their labouring skills. They definitely were not some kind of Pagans or spiritual hippies. Just after a bit of skirt I think. They appear to have erected coarse load-bearing walls with the intention of adding the plasterboard later. What went wrong we cannot ascertain but it’s likely they just gave up the ghost what with the effects of hardened drinking and simply threw up a few long irregular stones to act as ceilings. “
A group of Coalisland Historical Committee members have put in place plans to finish off what their forefathers started and build some kind of courting court or brothel that the original planners probably intended to do. The British Archeological Society will receive notification of their idea later in the week. Timmy Herron is confident they’ll get the green light.
“It’d be a crying shame if they don’t let us finish off the whorehouse, like. We in Coalisland have a long history of building things. Eastern Building Supplies recently built the outhouse around the back of the Cohannon Inn and anyone who has used the toilet there says it’s a great job and you can do your business in comfort.”
The book – “The Crazy Womanizing ‘Island Navvies Weren’t Hippies At All” will be on sale next year some time.
Loughmacrory Coalman Gets Nod To Supply Coal For Vatican Smoke Signal
Cardinal Hjata throws on Loughmacrory coal.
There was much rejoicing in Loughmacrory this morning after it emerged that local coalman and animal balloon contortionist, Malachy O’Brien, has been chosen to supply the coal for the papal conclave’s fireplace today. Whilst the world watches on in anticipation for the signal, it will be Loughmacrory smoke emerging from the Sistine Chapel’s chimney which will hopefully spark a mass tourism boost for the beleaguered village.
“I’m delighted,” O’Brien told the assembled media. “I had a bad reputation a few years ago for selling that oul shite coal that burns out in seconds giving no hate (heat) at all. Now the hate is deadly. If you dig deep enough in Loughmacrory you’ll get the good stuff. Still, I didn’t expect to hear Benedict on the other side of the phone. He just asked if this was O’Brien from Loughmacrory and if I’d throw a lock of 20kg bags on a plane before they started the meeting today. I thought it was Red Loughran from up the road and started calling him all the hoors of the day. It wasn’t until I heard the distinctive German brogue coming down the phone when he threatened to ex-communicate me and all that hellish damnation stuff that I backed down and asked for forgiveness. We’ll laugh at it in years to come.”
O’Brien’s coal is burning at the moment but early reports have indicated that a couple of Cardinals have complained about the ‘deadly heat’ and that the coal was spitting a bit when a new batch is thrown on, burning small holes into an expensive furry mat they had made by slave workers in Cambodia. Loughmacrory Coals are investigating whether wetting the coal beforehand will dampen its explosive nature by doing experiments in a disused fireplace on the Drumnakilly Road.
Date Set For ‘New Tyrone 2014’ Image Conference
Possible Donegal/Tyrone border signpost.
A date has finally been agreed on for the inaugural Tyrone New Image Conference, the County Tyrone Tourism Board announced today at their Seskinore headquarters. March 31st, despite falling on Easter Sunday, was unanimously agreed after representatives from all townlands intimated they’d rather be at this congress than sitting at home eating chocolate for the risen Jesus. All members also agreed on the need for speed on this issue following twelve harrowing months of negative headlines emanating from the county from ball-grabbing, handbag-swinging and mouth-gouging to person-gobbing, diesel-laundering and a declining standards in Country and Western musicians. Chairman of the tourism committee, Lisa Horridge, set out the agenda this morning:
“First up, we need to decide whether we stick or twist. Do we embrace the negativity and turn our county into a fearless wilderness like Mexico or Dundalk, or do we start with a clean slate and clamp down on any behaviour we see as being detrimental to our reputation? We appear to be split on that stance as we speak. The Carrickmore delegation are proposing that we go full-on and get signs saying “Welcome To Hell” at various locations on the county borders. Ardboe have motioned the idea of rejecting any attempts by the government to police the county or pay taxes. Strabane wish to bring back lynching for people suspected of having liaised with outsiders and witch hunts against folk susceptible to politeness. Then you have the other side of the coin like Donaghmore. They want sanctions put in place that forbid people with ‘an odd eye in their head’ to be seen outside during daylight hours, like inbreds or something especially up near Castlecaulfield. Sion Mills want compulsory elocution lessons for farmers and labourers. There’s a lot to discuss really.”
In what promises to be a heated debate, all townlands have been asked to canvass their population to find out where they stand on the whole ‘New Image 2014’ debate. Presently, only Brocagh have revealed their preference indicating they will be taking a ‘No’ stance, instead advocating public displays of nudity and stepping up general bad manners at all times.
Greedy Dromore Father Fools Children On Mother’s Day
Artist’s impression of fight
A devious Dromore daddy, who conned his children into thinking he was their mother this morning whilst the mother herself was out tending to the cattle, was this afternoon hanging his head in shame around the back of the house. Barney McCarron, who recently celebrated his birthday as well, put on his wife’s nightgown and hair rollers whilst she toiled outside doing the early shift dunging out the yard from 5am. The eldest child, Cathair (9), was the first to fall for it:
“Jaysus he’s some bollocks. I saw the hair rollers above the duvet just and didn’t want to wake ‘mummy’ on her special day so I just left the Ferrero Rocher and scratch cards beside the bed. About twenty minutes later I brought my younger sister in who had prepared her a breakfast and ‘she’ was still asleep but I saw that the chocolates had been eaten and the cards scratched. We left the breakfast beside her again and left.”
The scam was uncovered when the actual mother, Kitty McCarron, returned to the house in clabber to the throat. Having established what had just happened, all three pounded up the stairs and caught Barney finishing off the black pudding, still with the rollers in.
“Well, you could have heard the slap in Tattyreagh. My mother kicked the dung clean out of him for the guts of an hour, calling him things I’d never even heard before. He’s out the back at the minute sulking with her nightie still on. I can’t see things thawing in this house until he does something big to compensate. He tried to compliment her on how tidy the yard looked but that just made it worse. She was a fearsome sight with the eyes bulging and her covered in manure from top to toe. Some handlin.”
Neighbours have rallied around and brought Kitty some buns whilst shouting obscenities at Barney on the way out.
Tyrone Weekend Gossip Snippets – March 9/10
ELECTION NEWS
Francie Molloy’s victory in Mid-Ulster have seen a rise in extreme beard-sporting men across the county. Molloy’s fashion statement has been embraced warmly by the locals who wanted a new fad as the Dennis Taylor upsidedown glasses were starting to look dated.
BENBURB SUNDAY
Benburb Sunday organisers have warned Justin Bieber that if he’s late or takes ill during his performance in the townland this summer that they’ll kick ‘seven shades of shite’ out of him. The threat was sent by fax.
MOTHERS’ DAY IN ARDBOE CANCELLED
Mothers’ Day in Ardboe has been postponed for a year after a shop in the village mistakenly advertised it as Mother’s Day, with the apostrophe in the wrong place signalling it was just one mother. Children took this as gospel and neglected to buy anything for their own mothers. Mrs McGuigan is the lucky mother.
STREET LIGHTING IN GREENCASTLE REJECTED BY LOCALS
Greencastle residents have cut down the recently erected street-lighting on the main street. They said it was shining a light on the ‘things’ they do at night.
PLUMBRIDGE ROMANCE
A 21-year old carpenter from The Plum ‘got a woman’ at the Greenvale last weekend. The priest is to mention the success at Mass tonight and the choir have promised to sing the song from Titanic.
GORTIN MONITOR KOREAN CRISIS
The Gortin International War Monitoring Committee have issued a statement saying they’re keeping an eye on ‘them there Koreans’ and that they’re not afraid to ‘start swinging’ if they don’t calm down a bit.
TONY DONNELLY PISSED OFF
Tyrone assistant manager is reportedly ‘pissed off’ at having to stand behind the wire during games with the ‘ordinary plebs from the East’, complaining of wire marks on his hands. Negotiations to do a swop deal every now and again with Mickey are on-going but Harte is refusing to budge, stating an allergy to wire mesh and people close to the lough.
Police Foil Derrytresk Man’s Plans To Shout Stuff At Derrylaughan Man in Dublin On 16th
How McGarrell might have looked
This morning a successful raid on a house on the Derrytresk Road uncovered detailed plans for a 36-year old joiner to shout mild abuse at a Dublin player who originally hailed from neighbouring Derrylaughan. Aloysius McGarrell, an ex waterboy for the local senior team, had painstakingly drawn up a list of things to shout at Paddy Quinn during the Dublin/Tyrone match on the 16th of March in Croke Park. The piece of paper was discovered down the side of his settee after a tip-off from another Derrytresk man who didn’t want further negative coverage on the Joe Duffy Show the following Monday. PSNI spokesman, Herbert Houlihan, was in no doubt they acted just in time:
“We fully understand that Paddy Quinn is a Derrylaughan man and now a Dub, two things that are sure to get the blood pumping in any Derrytresk woman and man – a double whammy so to speak. That still does not excuse shouting barely threatening things at a player in full earshot of southern children who wouldn’t be used to that talk at all.”
Houlihan proceeded to list the worst of the abuse in what now appears to be a carefully worded assault in order to unnerve the new Dub from the north:
“Top of the list was “away a that a ye”. Next was “aye, you’re some boy”‘ followed by “typical Derrylaughan”, “not good enough, are we?”, “please come back” and, most harrowing of all – “wouldn’t get on the Hill team”. No spectator pays in good money to hear that, especially the posher Dublin ones in sheepskin coats. We’ve done the game a great service today. Fair play to young Hagan for touting.”
McGarrell says he has learned his lesson but wasn’t really going to do it anyway as the list was just things he was shouting at the TV on his own when Quinn played for the Dubs a lock of weeks ago.
Strabane Farmer Appears On Piers Morgan’s Life Stories By Mistake
Not Tom Hughes
An unfortunate error saw a whole one-hour show hosted by Piers Morgan dedicated to the life and times of Strabane pig farmer Tom Hughes, screened live to initially 7.3m viewers across the UK last night.
Morgan was slow to realise a mistake had been made and that Tom Hughes was not the Tom Cruise they had been preparing for since the Spring season line-up was announced shortly after Christmas.
Hughes, who was only in London that day to inspect a champion pot-bellied pig that a woman had been auctioning on Gumtree, had decided to kill a few hours by visiting the TV studios in the capital city:
“I was just dandering around the TV place when someone shouted if Tom Hughes was here yet. I presumed they’d heard I’d be in London as you know what Strabane people are like for the gossiping. I put my hand up and they ushered me onto the set and this boy started asking me questions about Top Gun and Mission Impossible. It was a bit odd for him to be quizzing me about that stuff and I just told him I’d never seen them at which the audience laughed heartily.”
The penny dropped when Hughes started talking about his love of mashed spuds and scallions and needing to get home before the Angelus came on the TV.
“The man then asked me if I was the real Tom Cruise atall and says I sure I’m Tom Hughes from Strabane, one of the Baker Hughes’ from Lifford originally. To be fair to him he kept on with the interview as it was apparently live and they’d spent over a million pounds making it. The audience fairly emptied though and the women who’d thrown their knickers at me as I came on to the set at the start retrieved their underwear sheepishly.”
Viewing figures plummeted during the second half of the show with only seven people watching as Hughes told of his love of scorching through Strabane in his Nissan Sunny with the soundtrack from The Matrix or Jaws playing full blast on the car radio, making him feel he was in the movies himself.
Morgan finished the interview, clearly embarrassed, by claiming that Hughes was possibly one of the most unhinged people he’d ever met.
Next week, Morgan interviews Bruno Tonioli.
Omagh Journalist Hires Personal Security After Goading Utd Fans
Outside Omagh offices this morning
In a bizarre development, roving journalist Roger McGuinness was seen walking into his Omagh offices this morning surrounded by a bevy of American-style security men in sunglasses talking down into their wrists. In what he is now calling ‘a severe backlash’, McGuinness took to social networking last night to wind up as many Manchester United fans humanly possible within an hour of the English soccer club’s demise in a top European competition. Misjudging the chronic disappointment of their fans, the freelance hack received a torrent of abuse initially before things took a turn for the worse overnight.
“Jaysus boys it’s tarra. I was only having a laugh like – the sort of barstool slagging you’d dish out in Sally’s or Tessie’s. I didn’t realise how serious these boys took it all. At the start it was just the odd gentle bad-tempered reply. Soon it got personal. I was up at three o’clock this morning hosing down grown men who were dancing on top of my motor shouting “Twelve Cantonas” or something like that whilst giving me the fingers. I never slept a wink.”
McGuinness immediately contacted Fermanagh novelist Damien Brogg who suffered the same fate after claiming in his highly-acclaimed book that Donegal smelt of vomit most of the time.
“I knew Brogg had been through this too. I remember he said men from Donegal would just stare through the kitchen window of his house in Fermanagh at night for six months after the book launch, as a form of silent psychological intimidation. He put me onto these six boys from New York who used to look after Tom McDermott from Greencastle after he came out of the Big Brother house. So far so good. They’ve managed to stretch out three United fans who went for me in the Centra this morning. I’ll not be letting my guard down yet and ironically saw a martial-arts course flyer in Pomeroy this morning. I’ll be fly-kicking these boys soon myself.”
McGuinness says his slagging days are well and truly behind him though he claims he might have one more shot at Liverpool supporters before the season finishes.
Aughnacloy Nurse Looked After Queen. Says She Was Quare Craic.
Queen – not as grumpy as she looks
An Aughnacloy woman was given the job of looking after the UK Queen this week in hospital as the British monarch battled bad wind and irregular bowel movements. Belinda Gildernew, an employee of the King Edward VII hospital since she was dismissed from Craigavon for slipping patients a ‘drop of the hard stuff’, maintains the head of the royal family wasn’t grumpy at all and was ‘some girl for the slaggings’.
“To be honest I wasn’t overly excited when I was given the briefing. I thought she’d be too old for a bit of banter. How wrong was I? As soon as she heard my accent she was ‘Paddy this’ and ‘to be sure to be sure’ that, all in good taste. I told her where I came from and I was astonished when she asked if Sean Douglas still played for Aghaloo. I really underestimated her knowledge of the lower leagues in Tyrone.”
Gildernew was sad to see Windsor leave the hospital yesterday as it meant she had to go back to cleaning the arses of patients who weren’t all that much craic at all.
“Ah I’ll miss the oul bint you know. She’d obviously done a bit of research on the Gildernews overnight using a special computer because the next morning she was fit to slag me about the fight we’re having with the Hughes family over access to a field near Caledon. There was one scary moment though when I dropped my guard and told her about my uncle who tried to blow her up in the 80s. Her faced dropped and she said she’d have me hanged in the tower for treason. I nearly dunged the togs. She then broke out laughing and told me to ‘have a titter of wit’ and sure it was all water under the bridge. She said her and Philip even listen to the Wolfe Tones before weddings.”
Belinda says she told the Queen she’s welcome down the Monaghan Road any time apart from Saturday mornings as they’re normally dying with the hangovers.
Newell Stores Creating 150 Jobs In Coalisland – One Man Not Happy
The cat that went for Thornton
Despite the general excitement in the greater Coalisland area that the new supertmarket, Newell Stores, is to create a rake of jobs for people on the dole, Pedro ‘The Deballer’ Thornton took to the street this morning to campaign against the latest addition to the Coalisland retail landscape. Thornton, 59, maintains he wanted a job there too but his back was too sore for sweeping or doing shelves. After arranging a meeting with the owners to discuss other options, Thornton left in disgust after being told the only job left was to lick stamps:
“I used to be big news around here. I neutered cats for 25 years for everyone within a 10-mile radius. Even the Yellow Pages had me as ‘Mr Deballer, Coalisland’. I was a celebrity, like, and had no bother with getting the women because of it.”
Pedro had to give up the neutering business after he had the face scratched off him by a continental large cat as he attempted to neuter the beast which was imported during the International Festival. He claims he will not degrade himself by becoming the supermarket stamp licker:
“I had to take a couple of years off after the stress of that big bastard clawing away at my choppers like. My good looks never really returned and I think that’s why I’m not getting jobs anymore. There are worse looking people than me in management positions. Fair enough, the empty eye socket and missing nose might frighten the young’uns but after a while they become less scared. I’m not buckin licking stamps though. Imagine the slagging down in O’Neills I’d be getting about being an ‘oul lick’ or ‘gluey tongue scratch-the-face himself’. I’ll campaign here for a day or two just against the store as long as it’s not too cold.”
Thornton says he’ll not give up on finding employment though and has turned his hand to freak show performances for an illegal Croatian circus in Dungannon, calling himself ‘The Deballing Demon‘ as he attempts to neuter lions.
What’s On In Tyrone – March 5/6
Penrose in full flight
SATURDAY
Brocagh Spring Festival
Saturday 5th (12pm) sees the annual Brocagh Spring Festival, a pagan celebration dating back thousands of years when the first settlers in Ireland headed up to Brocagh for a rake about. This year, famous Brocagh exports including Tom McGurk (RTE), Gerry Davidson (finished third in a 3-mile race in Liverpool during the 80s) and ex-president Mary Robinson (passed through Brocagh by mistake in 1991) will be there to sign autographs and smile in photos. Other activities conclude ‘blind man’s bluff in the buff‘, “staring competitions” and “drink a gallon of cider and score from the 45m line“. Festivities conclude with the traditional dance between two self-confessed virgins between the ages of 20 and 30. Organisers have announced that Kitty O’Neill is now 31 so a new woman must come forward.
Loughmacrory Baby-Jumping Competition
This controversial event is probably in its last year as the European Courts are closing in. All babies taking part win a week’s supply of Farley Rusks. Last year’s record of 8 babies is the target for competitors Larry Penrose (above), Hillary Lily and Dan Barr. First jump 11am.
SUNDAY
Ardboe Fish-Swallowing Festival
The first year for this weekend extravaganza, the fish-loving community in Ardboe have come up with a unique way to celebrate their talents by holding a fish-swallowing competition with the unique take that the fish must still be alive. No one really knows how this will work at all but it’s sure to attract massive crowds to the loughshore at 3pm Sunday for the eel section.
Gortin-Glen Nude Bathing
Bare men and women here on Sunday
The famous Gortin Glen Forest Park hosts their nude-bathing evening this Sunday. Men and women from as far as Glenelly will take part in the hope that the magical Gortin waters will cure all warts and other things like that. Come along to cheer on the bare bathers from 7pm.
Derrytresk GAA Club Take Reality Show Fundraiser Too Far. Men Hurt.
After coming around, Fitzgerald won
In an attempt to do something different from the run-of-the-mill GAA fundraising attempts such as Strictly Come Dancing or blue-collar boxing, the Derrytresk club have been accused of taking the whole reality genre too far after 34 players were hurt to varying degrees whilst participating in Splash! (At The Hill). The format closely mimicked the ITV version where Tom Daley teaches celebrities to dive into a swimming pool. In order to keep it realistic as possible, club officials convinced one of the local Dalys to judge the competition, despite being a non-swimmer himself. Eventual winner, Pat Fitzgerald, criticised the rushed format and maintains he may never play again.
“It was a bitter-sweet victory like. I knew we were in trouble when I saw the set-up in the middle of a field. They’d gotten a telegraph pole, lodged it 5 feet down into the ground and a big nine metre ladder for climbing up. Once you got up there you had to balance on top of the pole and dive into a family-sized paddling pool, filled to the brim with cold water and suds for effect. Poor Harry Corr was the first man up and him 61. The screams when he hit the pool will live with me forever. I still hear him in my dreams. But people had donated good money to see this and we couldn’t back out now, especially with the Italian tourists in the area for the pipe-smoking competition. I don’t know how we’ll field a senior side this year. There were thirteen broken legs, ten shattered collar bones, eight hip breaks and five lads are being counselled for the trauma of being up at the top of the pole looking down at the blood from the lad before. By the time the last lad jumped there was no water left in the pool even. It was kamikaze stuff. I’m banjaxed.”
Despite the negative reviews, the club have said they made £30’000 and are contemplating doing ‘Splash! (At The Hill) 2‘ with the camogie team, although maybe using a smaller pole.
Tyrone Tribulations 