Category Archives: Ardboe
Pope Leo Catches Tyrone Jersey And Starts Saying Things Are Deadly and Lethal
Pope Leo, who caught a Tyrone jersey thrown at him in Rome this week, has alarmed his closest aides by totally changing his mannerisms and dialect since the incident. After celebrating Mass at St Peter’s this morning, he commented to the altar boys that it was a ‘deadly mass altogether’ and that it was ‘lethal to see a big crowd’, and was glad ‘them shower a hoors didn’t wreck it’, pointing at protesters outside the Vatican.
There are fears that he may start practising the dark arts, although it was only southern media suggesting that.
Leo, who once lined out for the Philadelphia Fighting Cocks at full back in 1977, marking Frank McGuigan out of the game, has already suggested he might attend a Tyrone game after asking reporters if they were ‘heading til Clones the year’ to looks of confusion from the Italian press.
Derrylaughan GAC Accused Of Breeding Asian Hornets To Replace Midges During Matches
Derrylaughan Kevin Barrys, who used to win loads of matches from 1965-1985 including two county titles, due to the amount of midges in the eyes of opposition players unaccustomed to the phenomenon, have been accused of breeding Asian Hornets to replace the decreasing numbers of midges.
The hornet, an aggressive beast that can render players incapable of seeing for days, has been spotted around the lough being trained to attack anything not wearing a green jersey. This appears to be an escalation in tactics by the loughshore team to ensure a quick return to the senior grade in 2027.
Environmentalist Kenny Arching fumed:
“Derrylaughan would need to have a good luk at itself. Them hornets are deadly. They’ve no loyalty either and will head up the road to Ardboe and Moortown. Soon the whole of the East will be a no-go area again; teams like Urney and Aughabrack won’t trek across the county to come back covered in lumps and an eye missing. It’ll be like the 70s all over again. Imagine if the Windmill had hornets.”
Derrylaughan have denied breeding hornets and said they’re just big angry midges.
Ardboe Parents Mistakenly Leave Son Home Alone Whilst Shopping In Donegal. Son Fights Off GAA Ticket Sellers.
Johnny and Maire McAlister have vowed never to leave their son, Pat, behind again after they forgot to take him Christmas shopping in Bundoran yesterday. It has since emerged that Pat (8) managed to turn away over 20 GAA clubs selling tickets through ingenious methods including giving them the middle finger through the curtain as they approached.
Despite being the only child, Johnny and Marie admitted they were caught up in the excitement of heading to Donegal and forgot to take Pat. It was only when they hit Lifford that they realised they’d left Pat behind, but went on shopping anyway as they’d gone that far.
“Aye it was a bit of a handling. We thought about turning back but we’d already booked a dinner in Ballybofey so there was no point in heading back. Looking back, we probably shouldn’t have stayed overnight. But fair play to Pat. He turned away ticket sellers from Ballinderry, Swatragh, Ballinascreen, Derrytresk and Killyman. He became a man overnight. But it was a stupid mistake, like.”
Pat McAllister claimed that although he’d fallen out with his mother the previous night over an argument about eels, he didn’t really like being left alone for 24 hours but enjoyed giving the Swatragh ones the fingers and telling them to shove their tickets.
The BBC are keen to make a documentary on the ordeal, called ‘Away Together’.
Witchcraft On The Rise After Ireland’s Eurovision Entry
Schools in Tyrone have reported that witchery is on the rise in the county after several children were spotted running around on brooms, talking about boiling cats and casting spells on teachers. Educationalists have linked it to Bambi Thug’s Eurovision entry.
Bambi, who used to play camogie for Carrickmore during a holiday there in 2017, has stormed the European scene with their song about the colour blue and Harry Potter. However, young people have been captivated by the witchery of the entry and have started changing their names to Hag McGuinness and Hag O’Neill, for example.
Principal of Ardboe Elementary Prep School, Master Coyle, explained:
“It’s an awful hassle to be honest. We had 14 young girls arriving on brooms last Friday and fitting them into the cloakroom was a nusiance. Then half the brooms were stolen so we had to wait on the owners casting spells on whoever stole them and that took ages too. Then all the cats roaming about wasn’t helpful as they were shitting all over the school. I hope Bambi wins like but this is a handlin.”
One of the teachers has also embraced the new trend, Hag Coney (38), and is currently riding her broom around Moortown.
‘The Middlin Boys’ Ardboe Male Dancers Disappoint Female Audience In Cookstown
Aiming to cash in on ‘The Pleasure Boys’ exposure in recent days, an Ardboe troupe of men, named ‘The Middlin Boys’, made their debut in Cookstown last night in a performance that was described as ‘disappointing’.
The Middlin Boys, which consists of 4 builders, 2 sparks, 2 plasterers, and a butcher, only performed for 25 minutes as one of the performers needed his inhaler. Another member of the group appeared to be drunk and sat on a chair drinking a bottle of Peroni and just took off his cap, throwing it up in the air, shouting ‘yeeeoo’.
A woman in the audience, who wishes to remain anonymous, added:
“Aye it was a bit of a let-down. After seeing them boys in Belfast at the weekend, I was keenly anticipating The Middlin Boys. They weren’t even middlin. It was more like ‘The Shite Boys’. One fella, I think it was a plasterer, just replastered a wall with his top off. He even took a break halfway though and ate a sandwich with a cup of tea. It wasn’t all that appealing, to be honest.”
The Middlin Boys will be performing in Aughnacloy tomorrow night.
New Soup Ice Lolly Cafe A Real Hit, With Massive Queues In Ardboe
An Ardboe cafe specialising in soup ice lollies has had to turn away dozens of customers after selling out of stock, with tomato soup ice lollies proving to be the best seller, followed closely by minestrone ice lollies.
Jules Grayham, who stumbled upon the idea after freezing her own soup after accidentally dropping a spoon in it, maintains that her vegetable soup ice lolly will eventually take the number one slot as soon as she finds an alternative to carrots which don’t freeze well.
“Yeah, it’s been hectic. I’m just happy to see people licking my soup. Tomato and minestrone is doing well but I’ve big plans for vegetable soup ice lollies with a side dish of croutons. Even the beef soup ice lollies is extremely popular, especially with lorry drivers. They just love soup on a stick whilst trucking about”
The cafe, named Soup Herb, is running an introductory deal this weekend. One soup ice-lolly is retailing at £3 but you can get two for £5.50 or three for a tenner.
Harte Sets Sights On Reclaiming Cookstown, Ardboe & Greencastle Into Greater Derry As Well As Turning Flag Upside Down
A leaked document has revealed that Mickey Harte will approach Owen Mulligan, Brian McGuigan and Sean Teague to be the faces of a new ‘Greater Derry’ campaign, activating an old geographical claim dating back to 1782 to some of north Tyrone.
Harte has also approached Derry GAA HQ to ask if they would consider having the white part of the flag closer to the pole and promoting a new supporter chant ‘Derry, yer on yer own, sir’.
In a final demand, Mickey’s second-in-command Horse Devlin is to be given a caravan in Ballyronan for family holidays with spectacular views of the Lough, a free boat ride from the Marina once a month, and tickets to Dana’s next concert.
The family of Mulligan has revealed concerns that his hair has started to turn ginger again because of stress since the news of Cookstown’s possible move into the Oak Leaf. Sean Teague was spotted punching the Sperrin Mountains above Greencastle in anger, whilst Brian McGuigan has embraced the idea of becoming a Derry man if it brings more customers to the pub.
A third cousin of Joe Brolly from Maghera told us:
“This is like Barry McElduff donning a sash and bating a lambeg through Carrickmore. Rub it up them Tyrone ones. We might be inbred but Sam’s coming home next year. Derry amongst the bushes!”
The EU has offered military reinforcements for the Tyrone Derry NFL game next year.
Ardboe Parishioners Strip Shipwrecked Antrim Boat And Hold 12 Captive Until Boat Totally Raided
Ardboe is now said to be one of the most stylish parishes in the county after a shipwrecked boat was looted in the early hours of Saturday morning.
The boat, which set sail from Antrim to Toome to cart across fancy clothes, tobacco, make-up, spices and musical instruments, took a wrong turn and crashed into an Ardboe shore at 4am on Saturday 22nd July, .
Word of the wreckage reached most local households within seconds, with hundreds of Ardboians descending upon the boat, taking captive the dozen inhabitants and looting the vessel, leaving it ‘like a canoe’ according to witnesses.
Many women in the area were spotted wearing fur coats the following morning, with one wife claiming she had “enough mascara that will last me 10 years”.
Local curate, Canon McGuigan, added:
“I’ve never seen Ardboe look as well. Most houses have new wooden doors and all the women look class. The dozen Antrim ones have been released without harm and sure they had a safe enough vessel left to get back.”
The last boat looted in Ardboe was in 2021.
One of the sailors has decided to remain in Ardboe, having taken a shine to one of the Coneys.
Moortown Man Cautioned After Threatening To Wipe Smug Look Off A Group Of Teachers Lunching
A Moortown joiner was spoken to by police after he interrupted a group of boisterous female primary school teachers having lunch on Monday 10th July, telling them that he’ll wipe the smug look off all their faces if they kept it up.
Mickey ‘the tackle’ Devlin, who is currently balancing his work with minding seven children in the house on their summer holidays, cracked after he heard one of the teachers laughing and saying ‘same time tomorrow, girls’ and opening a fresh bottle of Prosecco, their ninth that morning.
Devlin, whose wife can’t take time off work from delivering Avon stuff around Craigavon, fumed at how the women openly flaunted their time off:
“I was only calling in for a quick pint after doing a job in Ardboe and having to head home to mind these weans. I didn’t need to see them women laughing and joking and winking about being off. They do it on purpose. The VP was full too, at 1pm in the day. I’m sorry for the language I used,”
Devlin was warned about threatening to take the heads off teachers in the future.
Dutch Businessman Invents Midge-Flavoured Chewing Gum After Visit To Ardboe
A successful Dutch entrepreneur, who has been credited with the sensational silencer for wooden clogs, has taken the confectionary world by storm by inventing midge-flavoured chewing gum which is already proving a smash hit for those from East Tyrone living abroad.
Terry Van Dirnagh (55), who shot to fame in 1998 after developing a silencer for wooden clogs favoured by Dutchmen on nights out, has already shipped over 50’000 units of his gum, named ‘Fly Chewy’, to places such as Australia, New York and Dublin.
Van Dirnagh is convinced this is only the start:
“I was walking through Ardboe at the start of May and noticed that many of the locals were eating chewing gum with their mouths opened and there were loads of flies flying into their mouths and they didn’t mind at all. It then hit me that many exiles are probably missing the experience of midges and chewing gum in the one go. I can’t believe how popular it is. It goes well with 7-Up i’m told.”
Van Dirnagh was recently cleared of accusations that his silencer on clogs allowed Dutch burglars to sneak upstairs in houses undetected.
Tyrone To Heat By 10 Degrees By 2030. Flights May Be Redirected From Santa Ponsa To Ardboe.
Scientists have warned Tyrone Tourism Board (TTB) to start thinking about rebranding the county as a getaway hot-weather holiday destination after they predicted that the county’s temperature will see them hit 40 degrees on a daily basis, even in March and November.
Already, a public vote will take place next Friday to decide whether all lough shore place names should have Costa del before it, with Costa del Derrylaughan already the favourite area to have its name changed first. Locals have also been told to start growing olive trees and think about selling sunglasses and hair beads.
Belfast Airport has admitted they’re open to having a runway in Ardboe for the 30-second journey across the Lough for people from Belfast or County Down.
Inland areas such as Galbally and Pomeroy have been told to construct water parks and bull-fighting arenas.
TTB spokesperson Phil Begley maintains this is a great opportunity for the county:
“Deadly news. There’ll be a pile of women and men with sculpted bodies and tans running about and if we can sell them some of the tight 80s GAA shorts it’ll do wonders for Gaelic games. Piri piri Chicken will be a Kildress delicacy.”
On the downside, a hosepipe ban will be enforced from 2027 which will see permanent shite on many pavements.
Ardboe Man Washing Clear Diesel Set To Lose Clean Fortune
In what has been described as a ‘less than enterprising move’, Ardboe man Franklin O’Hagan has locally made no secret of the fact that he has been adding food dye to clear diesel, and plans to sell it out the back of his home-house.
Mr O’Hagan, who has invested in a sea container (for use as an office), a till for storing cash and printing receipts, 100kg of red food dye from China, and a special unit complete with gravity-fed fuel pump, is adamant that there is a demand for his product.
“\Lucksee, sure the whole country’s couped with prices of everything going up and no one knows when it will stop. There’s many’s a man on the breadline, and I’m not that far off it myself, hi!”
Despite friends and family warning him that buying clear diesel and colouring it made no financial sense, O’Hagan fumed:
“Half the country is trying to get back on the red, and sure nowhere seems to sell it anymore. What I’m doing is completely legal. I buy the clear diesel and pay the proper price for it, so no issue there with customs. I then choose to add the food dye to what is legally mine, again no issue, and then I sell her off to the punter at cheaper red diesel prices.”
When pressed further that this would mean a financial loss for him, and he is likely to lose everything, including his mother’s house, he told us that we were just jealous, and that he also has a shipment of green food dye on the way, for the “Mexicans coming up here til get cheaper stuff”.
In other unrelated news, Ardboe has seen a decrease in midges in recent weeks coupled with an upturn in tourism.
VIEW OF THE FUTURE: GAA FOUND IN TYRONE IN 2221
BY CLAMPED CANDY
Talk of schools putting GAA in History lessons. Might as well make a start. Football fading into the distant past. Can envisage Irish archaeologists in a couple of hundred years time finding what they believe to be the site of an ancient sporting ritual. Something to rival the great Aztec and Mayan civilizations. Where a primitive, savage form of football was first thought to have been played.
Deep in the heart of Tyrone, these archaeologists find a long, forgotten expanse, surrounded by steep, weed covered banks. Maybe used as a vantage point for local villagers to watch the spectacle. A white chalk or paint like substance marking out the perimeter of the arena. Tattered flags set at various distances along the field of play. Some at 45 metres from each end. Although some dispute as to whether it’s 50 yards, not 45 metres. Two long, wooden uprights at either side, possibly marking the territory of the ‘players’ taking part.
The experts finding fragments resembling the shape of human gums and teeth which may have been used to protect the mouths of those doing battle. Although after examination, it may turn out that the fragments are, actually, the gums and teeth of those taking part. A whistle. Possibly used to call protagonists to order during these rituals. A little book, with names scribbled inside. Names of significance? Worthy of recording? And coloured cards. Red, yellow, black. Could these have been used to distinguish those who had shown some form of bravery in combat. A signal to the massed hordes watching perhaps.
In one corner, a large, dilapidated board, with strange lettering and numerals. Deciphered by experts in ancient hieroglyphs. Something like,. Pomeroy 0-9…. Ardboe 0-8. Who were these ‘Pomeroy’ and ‘Ardboe’? Tribes meeting to resolve disputes? And the numbers, maybe signifying those sacrificed by the tribes taking part. Further excavations will reveal small dugouts or huts on each side of the flat expanse. Filled with ragged, threadbare clothing with numbers on the back and the same names as on the board. They will deduce that the garments were part of the attire worn before going into battle to replace those bludgeoned in the fray. Empty water vessels litter the arena. Sponges, spray cans and potions also plentiful. Experts speculate that these may have been used by witch doctors as remedies to force the injured back into the melee.
One lone, discarded piece of footwear. Maybe lost by a fleeing participant. And two long white coats found in an adjacent area, ripped and bloodstained, may be related to the site. Although no ‘ball’ will be found it will be presumed there was. Or perhaps a human skull was used in a macabre resemblance to what some experts say the ancient Mesoamericans did. Whatever, many of the remnants found will remain a mystery, and forever open to conjecture. But those names, Pomeroy and Ardboe will be synonymous with Machu and Tenochtitlan, as honorifics of great awe and wonder.
Joyous Scenes As Ardboe Vaccine Reaches 21% Efficacy.
A vaccine developed by Ardboe GAA club and the Battery Bar has proven to be more than 20% effective in people of all ages, sparking immediate requests for funding and mass production.
A paper, published in The Lancet this evening, shows that the vaccine uses RNA technology which was brazenly stolen by a Moortown janitor from a lab in Oxford. It will, if applied at a temperature of -100 degrees celsius, prevent one in five adult homo sapiens from getting midge bites.
The peer reviewed paper has rated the vaccine 20.65% effective due to the fact that it’s December and that there are ‘fcuk all midges about’.
Unperturbed, Ardboe GAA officials and Battery Bar owner Mr O Mulligan, stormed Stormont today for any money they can get their hands on.
In other news, a Coalisland man has become the first person to have emerged from a self-imposed isolation period of 35 years. Johnny Fee emerged from a manhole in the town, asking people if Dennis Taylor was still doing autographs.
Tyrone Eye Olympic Medals As Line-Dancing Confirmed For 2024 Paris Games
Training for the 2024 Olympics began in earnest across the county today after it emerged that break-dancing, wife-carrying and more importantly line-dancing were added to the official schedule for the Paris Games.
Tammy Kilpatrick (40) from Annaghnaboe, the East Tyrone Line-Dancing champion from 1998-2017, has come out of retirement in a bid to become Tyrone’s first gold medalist at the Olympics and has already downloaded Achy Breaky Heart, Boot Scootin’ Boogie and Chattahoochee in order to brush off the cobwebs:
“I can’t believe it. I’d be very confident. Once you win in Ardboe Hall, you can win anywhere including the big arenas in Paris. Let’s be honest, it’s going to be between us and the Yanks and I’m not sure if they have the hunger we have here. I’m starting to think Brooks was bribed not to come to Croke Park all those years ago to keep us on the back foot.”
Early rules have already stated that all men must wear a checked shirt tucked into their jeans which may need practising as many locals had begun practising the more European shirt outside jeans look in recent years.
Schools will receive grants for after-schools line-dancing classes in preparation for the Los Angeles 2028 Olympics which will hope to garner 12 gold medals for the Emerald Isle.
East Tyrone Community Forum Call For Legalization Of Psychedelic Mushrooms If Lockdown Continues
In order to lift spirits before Christmas and to encourage locals to spend heavily in shops, the East Tyrone Community Forum (ETCF) have called on government officials to legalize Magic Mushrooms east of Omagh if the Executive continues with full or partial lockdown measures.
Shrooms, which make up 25% of fields in the greater Dungannon area right up to Ardboe, had long been regarded as a staple diet in the area from the 1300s until 25 years ago when the cops started to tighten up on workman’s glue, ether, poitin and mushrooms as they’d nothing else to be at.
ETCF chairperson B Quinn (69) maintains that the mushrooms will give locals a much needed boost to morale after being prevented from dressing up as Garth Brooks and Dolly Parton for Hallowe’en:
“I’d not advocating going mad on the shrooms, just maybe a small bite in the morning and then another one before going out to shop. It’ll multiply productivity at work and also make people a bit looser with the wallet when we need it most. It’s worth a punt.”
Off licences have reacted angrily to Quinn’s request and have threatened to close on Christmas Day if ministers give mushrooms the green light.
Vote For Your Favourite Hedge In Tyrone
In a bid to raise spirits amidst the current new restrictions, the Tyrone Tourism Board have asked people to upload photos of their favourite hedge to this website. The winner will receive a free hedge cut for the whole parish for less than a fiver each.
So far, we have had four astonishing entries.
- Ardboe
This hedge in Ardboe captures the natural beauty of the loughshore. Our expert says it encapsulates the rustic nature of an area renowned for its cattle and fishing. It’s called ‘the hedge’.
2. Plumbridge
‘Pruning in the Plum’ is a majestic example of the seasonal Plumbridge effect. In summer, this hedge would be thriving with wildlife and leaves and sometimes people.
3. Strabane
This big hedge is known as the ‘tall buckin hedge’ in the greater Strabane area and was famously jumped by Red Rum when the horse came to stay in 1976.
4. Windmill
Harry’s Hedge outside the Windmill is our final entry so far. It is reportedly the hardest hedge in Tyrone to maintain and has broken over 400 pairs of shears so far since it was grown in 1974.
All entries should be accompanied with a £6 postal order made payable to Tyrone Tribulations.
Impossible To Get Coronavirus From Collection, Says Church
Despite the temporary banning of the shaking of hands, church officials today confirmed that God will not allow anyone to get the Coronavirus by passing the collection basket around or by handling money, especially notes.
Although the message was met with groans across the county this morning, the collection in all 43 parishes still totaled just under £90’000 for all Masses this weekend, a slight decrease on last week.
Bishop James Bogue from Trillick confirmed that the Vatican are sure God would not allow anyone to contract the illness from the basket but reminded people to use notes instead of coins as you’d never know whose hands had been on the coins:
“Yes, we had a long good prayer about the basket and came to the decision that God wouldn’t allow it. But to be on the safe side, use notes as they normally stay in wallets and all. Coins would be fiddled with in pockets and stuff.”
Clogher Parish only managed to donate £30 this week after parishioners failed to make it to Mass on time due to queues outside the Spar which was selling 100 toilet rolls for £50.
Meanwhile, a hand-washing seminar in Ardboe was cut short after no soap was produced. Locals confirmed that soap hasn’t been used in the area since the 80s, with people just washing their hands in the Lough in the morning.
Devious Plans To Expand Derry Into Tyrone Uncovered By Irish News Readers
As hundreds of Derrylaughan residents woke to the fact that they’re now Derry people, Irish News readers have contacted authorities in their droves to provide evidence that the media are in cohoots with Derry.
A blueprint for the Derry invasion of Tyrone was uncovered in a graveyard in Lissan, with Cookstown next to be annexed before Easter. However, The Irish News have been accused of simply relocating Tyrone townlands into Derry through their articles, unashamedly.
Derrylaughan stalwart Packie Kennedy admitted it was hard waking up a Derry man this morning:
“It was a bit of a shock to read in the paper yesterday that we are now in Derry. Though, to be honest, I found myself half fancying my cousins at Mass this morning so it must be true. Up the Oak Leaf.”
Cookstown have already brought in reinforcements with several Kildress and Greencastle men manning the main road up to Magherafelt. Rumours tonight suggest that Ardboe and Moortown have already fallen and it’s only a matter of time until Coalisland is under attack. Coalisland officials have postponed the rolling out of their one-way system until this is sorted.
Meanwhile, a Aghyaran woman walked three miles yesterday to the shops and her plastic bag split coming home, losing a pint of milk and three Freddos.
No Corned Beef Sandwiches Eaten In Tyrone Since May 2017
NI Consumer Magazine have revealed that a corned beef sandwich, the once-staple diet of Tyronians in the 1980s, has not been consumed in the county since a builder ate one on a site in Pomeroy in 2017.
Additionally, the startling news has been compounded by the fact that Irn Bru is rarely used now to down any manner of sandwich in schools or workplaces, with water or organic coffee replacing the soft drink.
Patricia McDonagh (60) from the Rock, who once prayed for 3 hours non stop in 1983, is adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwiches has led to social disorder:
“I’m adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwich has led to social disorder. So it has”
The magazine have hinted that Tyrone ones going to Belfast to work and being slagged by locals for eating corned beef sandwiches has led to its demise as a daily item on the kitchen menu.
Meanwhile, a cafe in Ardboe was burned to the ground at the weekend by locals for offering salads as a dinner as an alternative for eel suppers and steak dishes.
Owners Packie and Mary McQuinn admitted they made a grave error with their menu choice and have vowed to rebuild as an eel-only restaurant.
Tyrone Tribulations 