Category Archives: Trillick
Croke Park To Weigh Fans Before Admittance To Big Games
Croke Park has purchased over 400 scales in a bid to curb heavier supporters taking up too much room at All-Ireland semi-finals and finals. They have also asked Ticketmaster to add a tab to their app, which will make buyers declare their weight before purchasing a ticket, in stones and pounds.
Early trials suggest that people with a BMI of over 30 will be charged £10 more than the asking price and will be told to stand in Hill 16.
This morning, we travelled around the county and asked for views on the subject:
“That’s me on the diet now. I’ve a good feeling we’ll do well next year and I don’t have the legs for standing on Hill 16” RONAN MCSHELVY (COALISLAND)
“It’s a disgrace. Sure half them people that run the GAA are a quare size themselves.” PETER MORAN (TRILLICK)
“I’m furious. Not at Croke Park. The people. Fat bastards are ruining everything for everyone.” TOM DAVIDSON (BROCAGH)
“I’m a big girl myself and don’t mind standing on the Hill.” ELIZE MADONNA KELLEGHER (CASTLEDERG)
Meanwhile, Croke Park has also announced it will be limiting burger quotas to just one burger per family until the above issue has settled.
Young Trillick Lad Who Claims His Snowman Came To Life Is Told To Catch Himself On
Eight-year-old James Gallagher from the Galbally Road in Trillick has been told to give his head a wobble after he claimed his snowman he built came to life overnight and flew him to Iceland, as well as going for a spin with him on a scrambler through the forest near Ballinamallard.
Gallagher, who built the snowman last night after a freak snow shower in the area during Storm Darragh, maintains that the snowman melted overnight and all that was left was a carrot which he now cherishes.
Local businessman Lorcan Donnelly retorted:
“That lad would need to catch himself on. He says they flew to Iceland and all and played about with other snowmen. Sure there is only one flight to Iceland from here and it’s on a Tuesday. He’s a wee liar. The skitter also said they raked about on a scrambler up at the forest there and that the snowman started to melt as the motor was too warm. I’ve been on that scrambler and it never heats up. He’s a wee dickhead.”
Gallagher has yet to let the carrot go and is planning to have it embalmed.
GAA To Offer Grants To Players Who Have Famous Partners
Following on from the Superbowl hype around a Kansas City Chiefs player and a famous singer, GAA officials met this morning to rubber stamp a series of bursaries and grants that will be made available for young GAA players if they manage to find a famous partner.
Over seven million 10-year-olds watched the Superbowl this year due to Taylor Swift’s presence at the game, something that Croke Park would like to see replicated in Ireland.
The GAA’s director of Positive PR, Malachy Cullen, revealed the extent of the financial rewards:
“Say for example, a young man from Trillick started going out with Beyoncé, then he could expect to receive a tax-free grant of up to £50’000 as long as she attends at least four of Tyrone’s big games. The fact that she has a fada in her name would possibly pave the way for more money. We need these lads to step up a bit and try being attractive to big stars across the world.”
Cullen, however, revealed that there would be no back pay after Tyrone legend John Lynch asked if he could receive a lump sum because he tackled Sheena Easton outside the Greenvale in 1979.
Tyrone Kangaroo Spotted On Bus To Trillick Wearing Checked Shirt And Brown Shoes
Animal experts are fearing the worst after the escaped kangaroo was spotted giving people the how’s she cutting hand gesture through the window of an Ulster Bus and listening to Garth Brooks on a Sony Walkman.
Peter Campbell, a professor of Kangarooism at Ulster University, maintains he feared the marsupial could be Tyronised if not caught within 24 hours:
“Unfortunately the news isn’t good. I have just received word that the kangaroo was also spotted outside O’Neills and was sizing up a county half-zip whilst eating corned beef from the tin. The transformation might already be too late to reverse.”
In 1984 a wombat escaped in Brocagh and ended up running a poitin distillery at the loughshore and playing corner back for the Windmill. It was sent off three times in one game versus Dregish and was eventually jailed after a fight outside Mountjoy Castle.
UPDATE: The Kangaroo has been recovered and is currently undergoing a reversal procedure. Handlers have decided to let it keep the picture of Harry McClure.
Fermanagh Thermometer Homecoming Arrangements Announced
Fermanagh, who set the highest temperature this year when Derrylin recorded over 31 degrees on Monday, will have the opportunity to honour the thermometer today after it was announced the device will return from Dublin where it was verified by independent adjudicators.
In Dublin, the mercury was tested for illegal enhancements after rumours circulated on social media about its connections with shady figures from the greater Belcoo area, but were proven unfounded.
The bus top tour will begin in Newtownbutler at 1pm and head to Lisnaskea, Lisbellaw, Enniskillen, Trillick and then back down again finishing in Derrylin around 8pm. An Elvis impersonator from Brookeborough will perform Burning Love.
Fermanagh native Barney Darcy explained the significance:
“This is up there with the 2004 All Ireland Semi Final run. We’ve had to endure some horrid times recently with Armagh doing well this year and the Tyrone achieving the ultimate nightmare last year. The whole of Fermanagh will be out today cheering the mercury to the hilt. There’ll not be a piece of crystal made in the county for a week.”
The Tyrone thermometer was disqualified after it was found illegally overheating in the glove compartment of a 1988 Mazda RX-7 in a field near Beragh.
Fermanagh Fans To Turn Brewster Park Into Bloodthirsty Coliseum For Tyrone Match
As of this morning, several ‘Welcome To Hell’ signs have been spotted erected around the road up to Brewster Park as well as ‘Hugo is Shite’ slogans daubed on walls, as Fermanagh prepares to take on the All-Ireland Champions Tyrone in Enniskillen on Saturday evening.
The Fermanagh Ultras Supporters Trust Unity (FUSTY) have confirmed that they will up the ante on Saturday with special chants such as ‘are you Derry in disguise?’ and ‘the mountains of Pomeroy don’t exist’. FUSTY is also claiming an early victory after recommending that Joe McQuillan referee the game, which was confirmed this week. Joe lives just over the Fermanagh border and famously had a penchant for Fermanagh women in his teens.
FUSTY spokesman Peadar Maguire added:
“The Tyrone ones are in for some shock. We’ve plans to bring bushes with us and set fire to them to get them riled up. They’re always going on about their bushes but we’ve our lakes. Who goes around Ireland to look at bushes, like? Fermanagh by 4 and Joe to be shouldered off the field.”
Trillick ones have been asked to make a call on who to support by both Ultras and Mattie Donnelly may sit this one out.
Trillick Man Wrecks Shop After Being Asked Too Many Questions At Check-Out
A Trillick octogenarian was arrested this afternoon after wrecking the tills at a shop in the village following a series of questions by the cashier.
Mattie Donaghy (82) blew his top after the 5th question, overturning the chewing gums and stomping on Tracker bars. Police were called when he set upon the sherbet dips.
An onlooker explained what made Donaghy reach tipping point:
“I could see he was already flustered by the time he arrived at the till. Yer woman asked him
‘Do you require a bag today sir?’
Donaghy was already balancing his goods as well as a very obvious pink Tesco bag and told her in no uncertain terms that he didn’t need a bag. She then asked,
‘Do you have any fuel, sir?’
He started to steam at this stage and told yer woman that he hasn’t driven since 1998. She added:
‘Do you want sauce for your sausage roll?’
Donaghy started swearing at this point and told her to just ‘fill the fcukin bag for fcuk sake’.
When she asked him if he wanted a receipt he then flipped and wrecked the chewing gums. All hell broke loose after that.”
The shop have yet to comment but Wrigleys have stated that they’re disappointed their chewing gums were upturned.
Odd Sock-Stealer Traced To Monaghan House
A sock-stealer who has been tormenting men in Tyrone for over 40 years has been located in a small village in Monaghan after a two-year sting involving washing lines and ladders.
Stevie Digman from a small hamlet outside Castleblaney admitted to stealing over three million odd socks since 1980 from Tyrone washing lines after his native county lost to Tyrone in a friendly at the end of 1979.
Digman was finally caught after a sting in Trillick when a woman was paid by authorities to hang out 400 pairs of socks on her line. Digman was in the Trillick area for a month’s mind at the time which allowed the Tyrone Sock Association time to plan their snare.
TSA chairperson Marie McBridle added:
“It was a perfect heist. We knew he couldn’t resist 800 socks neatly placed on a line in Trillick. We caught him halfway up a ladder placed against a hedge. He’d already nabbed 200 socks at this stage. The men of Tyrone can sleep easy tonight.”
Digman admitted to the theft of over three million off socks which he had knitted into several Monaghan flags.
He says the misery of thousands of Tyrone men being blamed by partners for losing socks was worth it.
Clarkes Evoke Jack Charlton “Granny Rule” Ahead Of Championship Final
Tyrone Tribulations understands that Dungannon Thomas Clarkes GAC has already evoked “The Granny Rule” which became famous in the 1990 World Cup by Jack Charlton and his charges in order to capitalise on the foreign national population currently living in the town, and has done so without the blessing of HQ at Croke Park
We understand multi-lingual flyers have been placed in Moy Park, Linden Foods and Powerscreen to name but three local businesses in an attempt to secure all potential talent. We caught up with raising gaelic star Paolo Cuineihera for his thoughts
“ach well aye, I’ve been togging out for Donaghmore for the last three seasons and Dungannon haven’t taken heed of me yet, and me LCC top scorer three weeks running this year. It seems as if they just want to branch out and grab anyone they can in a bid to get one up on Trillick and rub their faces in it for that defeat in the intermediate championship a lock of years ago. Its tara hi”
It is understood that Clarkes backroom staff have approached a number of experts at an MMA gym for “special assistance” but denied this was anything to do with potential violence, despite the fact mannequins with Matty Donnelly’s head on them have been spotted in the Clarkes changing rooms.
Trillick has declined to comment, other than to shout “Hon te buck Fermanagh” at this shocked reporter.
Mattie Donnelly To Jog To Barnard Castle To Test Leg Before Resuming Football
It has emerged that, pending clearance from Stormont, Mattie Donnelly will resume his inter-county career after a serious injury but only after making a near 600-mile round jog to Barnard Castle to test the left leg out.
Donnelly will embark on the light training jog from the Trillick Post Office tomorrow morning and is hoping he can catch a lift on a fishing boat or something across the Irish Sea, even taking in the scenic route of the Isle of Man if he has time on his hands by the time he reaches Belfast.
Donnelly, who has never been to the castle before or even to County Durham, has been warned not to bring back sticks of rock from his trip as it could mess up the county squad’s diet just before the resumption of football in the country.
Although Mickey Harte initially preferred the idea of a short training run to Tempo in Fermanagh, recent events convinced the Ballygawley manager of the healing properties of the 900 year old castle in England.
Mattie will be accompanied by team mates for part of the way (up to Fintona) and will be listening to his favourite band B*witched for the majority of the run.
Impossible To Get Coronavirus From Collection, Says Church
Despite the temporary banning of the shaking of hands, church officials today confirmed that God will not allow anyone to get the Coronavirus by passing the collection basket around or by handling money, especially notes.
Although the message was met with groans across the county this morning, the collection in all 43 parishes still totaled just under £90’000 for all Masses this weekend, a slight decrease on last week.
Bishop James Bogue from Trillick confirmed that the Vatican are sure God would not allow anyone to contract the illness from the basket but reminded people to use notes instead of coins as you’d never know whose hands had been on the coins:
“Yes, we had a long good prayer about the basket and came to the decision that God wouldn’t allow it. But to be on the safe side, use notes as they normally stay in wallets and all. Coins would be fiddled with in pockets and stuff.”
Clogher Parish only managed to donate £30 this week after parishioners failed to make it to Mass on time due to queues outside the Spar which was selling 100 toilet rolls for £50.
Meanwhile, a hand-washing seminar in Ardboe was cut short after no soap was produced. Locals confirmed that soap hasn’t been used in the area since the 80s, with people just washing their hands in the Lough in the morning.
Listening To Nathan Carter Makes Cows Produce Better Milk Says Scientists
Cow enjoying Carter
Bovine boffins at Queen’s University in Belfast have completed a three-year long research into the musical effects on cattle and have revealed that prolonged exposure to Nathan Carter’s country and western’s tones results in higher quality milk.
Additionally, beef cattle improve their output by listening to some of Garth Brooks’ early stuff by using wireless headphones although farmers were warned not to provide his latter music as it made them agitated and frustrated.
Since the release of the paper, farmers all over the county have been blasting Wagon Wheel into sheds to petrified cattle although some eventually responded by rocking from side to side and mooing quietly. Trillick farmer Francis O’Seesee confirmed:
“After some initial irritation and chronic dunging, the cattle seem to have taken to Carter’s greatest hits and I can tell already that some are bursting at the seams. I can’t wait to play Caledonia to give them a break from the Wheel song.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA are to run a competition to have a song played as Tyrone run onto the field at Healy Park this year. Currently, Blanket on the Ground has been the only suggestion, over 3000 times.
Pomeroy Man Has A Good Long Hard Look At Himself In Mirror
A Pomeroy fence-mender revealed to close friends and strangers that he spent nearly five minutes having a good long hard look at himself in his bedroom mirror.
Matt Grimes (55), who was hungover at the time due to having one drink too many at the Balmoral Show, maintains he has a fair idea about a few things now and promises to change some stuff and maybe try harder at other stuff.
Outside the Post Office, Grimes explained:
“I’d heard that phrase millions of times, about having long hard looks at yourself. So I tried it. And I can categorically say it’s pure brilliant. I’m gonna quit the drinking, be nicer to children and pray far more. After about 4 minutes of staring I nearly gave thousands to Trocaire but managed to snap out of that. I think 4 minutes is enough.”
Grimes displayed his new persona at the Post Office by buying three Choc Pops for his nephews up the road. The Post Office in Pomeroy sells ice lollies.
Meanwhile, experts at Queen’s University have confirmed that neanderthals did live in Trillick 300’000 years ago. Neanderthal droppings were spotted on a Primary School walk in the woods by P6 pupil Mary Quinn. Quinn received a cheque for £10 from the University which she revealed she’ll spent at the Pomeroy Post Office.
Hawking Discovered Larne Through Powerful Telescope Made By Trillick Man
Larne earlier
Stephen Hawking, who died peacefully in his home in Cambridge yesterday, is being credited with discovering the seaport and industrial town of Larne whilst searching into the deepest darkest corners of the universe using a telescope made by a welder from Trillick in 1988.
Patsy Brennan, who accidentally made the device when trying to weld together a pair of binoculars for a group of local men who liked watching the British Army from a distance as a hobby, said Hawking stumbled across Larne whilst searching for some of the mysteries of the universe:
“He was mad excited when he spotted Larne. He really thought he’d found one of these holes he kept going on about and was pure demented about it. I’m glad he never spotted Carrickfergus or he’d never have left,”
Hawking and Trillick go back a long way after he was seduced by their swashbuckling football in the 80s as well as their ability to play a high standard of football whilst sporting heavy moustaches and successfully managing raging hangovers on a Sunday morning.
Brennan lamented the fact that the telescope was taken apart for scrap metal in 1995 in order to pay for hotels in Dublin for his family for the All Ireland Final that year.
Tyrone Heroes Prepare For Their Comeuppance In Club Football
Canavan in club football in 1994
Despite being cheered on by the entire county during a magnificent run to the All Ireland Final, the threat to the county players is now placed at ‘critical’ as they prepare to head back to their clubs for league football.
As the multi-award winning squad from the 00s can testify, there appears to be a strong correlation between playing well for the county and getting the lining kicked out of you in club games, by the same boys who clapped and roared you on a week earlier.
An All-Star winning forward who wishes to remain anonymous, said from his Cookstown home:
“The feeling of elation when you scored a clinker in Croke Park would soon turn to dread when it dawned on you that some failed corner back from Ardboe is probably going to break you in two at the weekend for scoring it. I remember I nailed one such goal against Dublin, involving dummies, and spotted a boy from Kildress cheering and giving me the thumbs up in the Canal End. Then, in a millisecond, he did the throat-slicing movement and gave me the fingers.”
With Tyrone having so many 5-star performers throughout the year, the threat level has been raised from the normal ‘high’ to ‘critical’ with referees made aware of the need to be extra-vigilant over the next few weeks.
A Trillick sharpshooter who didn’t even get on for most of the year told us he’s ‘dunging the togs’ in anticipation of taking on Urney in a week’s time. Urney, who are famed for their particular distaste of Donegal, have promised to tone down the comeuppance for Tyrone heroes playing for Trillick, but refused to make promises.
Good Spell Sees Rise In Tight 80s GAA Shorts In Tyrone, Again. Several Arrested.
The PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.
Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.
Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:
“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”
Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.
“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”
Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.
Tyrone Unimpressed With Super Moon
Moon rising over Lough Neagh
With Skywatchers preparing for the latest “supermoon” as Earth’s satellite makes its closest approach since 1948, Tyrone Tribulations got out and about its people to find out how this astronomical phenomenon will affect them and what they made of it in general:
“Pile of shite” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“The hell do I care” – MARIE BRENNAN, EDENDORK
“What are you really sellin?” – DAN MCGURK, DUNGANNON
“Sammy Wilson in the fields again, only bigger and better?” – B MCELDUFF, CARRICKMORE
“Balls” – SISTER FRANCES CAVANAGH, EGLISH
“Have you even checked the sky, ye walt. It’s lashing. Typical Ireland, can’t even organise a full moon.” – ALAN DONNELLY, STRABANE
“That’s just one of Hub Hughes’ attempts finally coming back to earth.” – E MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“Still shite, stop asking me.” – JOHN QUINN, MOORTOWN
“Is it a protestant moon or a catholic one?” – A FOSTER, TRILLICK
“Right enough, quare hairy women around Brocagh this last week” – JAMES MCGURK, BROCAGH
“Super, my hole” – FR FAY, CLONOE
Judge Orders Trillick Bakery To Make Dromore Cake
In what has been described a landmark decision, a baker in Trillick has been told to cease their discriminatory practices and to fulfil an order placed the day before Dromore play Trillick by a Trillick fanatic, an Omagh court heard.
The bakery, owned by Dromore native Henry Davidson, has only sold three Paris buns and a wheaten bread today, with Davidson adding that he has received dirty looks by Trillick natives on a daily basis.
The cake, a plain sponge cake with a bit of cream in the middle, was to read ‘Dromore R Shite’ on the icing, a request denied by Dromore man Davidson who opened his bakery in Trillick in 1991. Davidson added:
“I can’t believe this ruling. Surely I should be able to run my shop any way I want. I don’t walk into a cafe and tell the owner I want the design of a naked Jamaican woman on the froth of my cappuccino and then cause all manner of trouble when he refuses. This is just a form of ethnic cleansing. Trillick is a cold place for Dromore ones. I won’t be making that cake.”
The customer, Gerry Breen, maintains he will stand outside Davidson’s Bakery until the cake is made. Breen had planned to eat the cake himself over the course of three days, washed down with tea and sometimes ordinary brown mineral or even water.
“He’ll be making that cake. Sure Dromore are shite. I’m not trying to be funny.”
Young Trillick Supporter Said ‘Naw It’s Alright’ After Being Gifted County Medal By Player
Naw, it’s alright
A 12-year old schoolboy, who ran onto the field after Trillick’s County Final win over Killyclogher, told victorious player Mattie Donnelly ‘naw it’s alright’ after Donnelly offered to give him his winner’s medal.
John McCaughey, who claims he only ran on the pitch to get his tissue which blew onto the field of play, was third-man tackled by a gang of linesmen who thought he was probably up to no good.
McCaughey claims he would have told the New Zealand player Sonny Bill Williams, who offered his medal to a fan after the rugby World Cup, the exact same thing:
“I’m being called ungrateful and spoilt but sure what the hell would I want with an oul bit of metal that had nothing to do with me. Sure it’s like someone buying an ice-lolly and handing you the wrapper. It would probably only be worth a fiver on eBay anyway and what would a fiver get you now?”
It was initially reported that Killyclogher’s Mark Bradley, who witnessed the incident, told Donnelly that he’d take the medal if young McCaughey didn’t want it, to which Donnelly replied “you will in your bollocks”. On further investigation this does not appear to be totally true.
Meanwhile, rumours that Trillick are to declare for Fermanagh this week are refusing to go away. The village, which straddles the Tyrone/Fermanagh border, has often been described as a Fermanagh settlement in all but name, with many of the locals displaying Fermanaghesque tendencies such as looking sad and saying ‘as wide as a duck’s arse’ as well as labelling everything a ‘yoke’.
Trillick’s opponents next week, Scotstown, have asked Trillick to decide soon whether they’re from Tyrone or Fermanagh as it changes their game preparations entirely.
Trillick To Perform Local War Dance Before SFC Final
The Trillifandango
Inspired by the South Pacific islands at the rugby World Cup, Tyrone senior finalists Trillick have spent the last week tidying up a pre throw-in routine, hoping to nurture a sense of fear in their opponents Killyclogher.
Named ‘The Trillifandango”, the routine merges Irish dancing, rave, rap, line-dancing, jiving, and general jumping about during a 4-minute performance. Mattie Donnelly heads the dance formation after a competition to see who had the longest tongue. Lee Brennan had the shortest and will be at the very back.
Meanwhile, the Northern Ireland soccer team have sent Trillick a good luck telegram. Trillick’s last title in 1986 coincided with Northern Ireland’s last appearance at a finals tournament and were consequently twinned with each other in 1998. Unfortunately Killyclogher were twinned with the England rugby side the same year.
Tyrone Tribulations 