Police Plead To Thousands Camping On Washingbay Rd Ahead of Clonoe Coalisland Play-Off
International press have descended on East Tyrone ahead of the crucial Clonoe/Coalisland play-off this Saturday, with police pleading to non-ticket holders that batons will be used if they attempt to gain access to the Clonoe ground before the relegation decider.
An estimated 20’000 supporters are expected to try to gain access to the 1000-capacity ground, with many homes in the area offering B&B facilities for astronomical prices, despite only putting on sausage sandwiches and milk. Already, 3000 hopefuls have set up camp in hedges along the Washingbay Road, with helicopters shouting warnings and spraying them with water and rocks to disperse the numbers.
New York Times journalist Bruce Taggart, who has ancestors in the area, explained:
“We’ve travelled 1000s of miles for this game. It’s all the talk in the States. Most Fianna supporters are from New York itself, with many Clonoe fans emerging from the hillbilly states. I’m worried about getting in to see it now although Tessies are doing a chipped firestick screening.”
The police were called to Coalisland earlier today after two seemingly friendly rivals engaged in a fistfight regarding the outcome of the weekend’s game. Ronnie McSheery and Olly McNeill, two local celebrities, had to be separated after McSheery alleged that Clonoe only bate Coalisland in 1991 because they poached Derrytresk’s best player.
First Country & Western GCSE ‘Going Well’ in Dungannon Tech
Ireland’s first Country and Western GCSE qualification has got off to a good start says officials at the prestigious Dungannon Tech in South Tyrone, with all 14 students passing their first assessment with flying colours.
The first module, which covers topics such as analysing and devising lyrics to do with losing your girlfriend/boyfriend to a rival, and how to dress country style, was assessed last week with all but one student receiving 100% in their tests. The remaining student only received 88% after they mistakenly wrote down that black shoes go well with jeans.
Teacher Malachi Cushling added:
“The students already had a sound knowledge of Hugo, Philomena, and the American greats like Tammy Wynette and Willie Nelson. We even had a country disco last week to celebrate the results, although that had to be cut short after one of the students got his pointy shoe caught in a grill in the middle of the floor. They were all bleary-eyed on Monday morning, having watched the Late Late Show Country Special flat out all day Sunday.”
Next month’s modules include ‘Cowboy electricians are not musicians‘ and ‘Hank Williams is no Nathan Carter‘.
Cookstown Trumpet Player Invents Way To Breathe Through Anus.
A 59-year-old veteran trumpeter has found a method to breathe through his anus while playing the trumpet, allowing him to hold a note for a staggering 16 minutes.
Henry McCann, whose discovery will make it easier for all wind instrumentalists to play without taking a breath, claims he discovered the method while playing at his kitchen sink, bent over with legs apart, whilst looking out the window at the neighbour cutting her hedge.
“I couldn’t believe it as first and thought I’d ripped my trousers. It turned out that the way I was standing allowed me to suck air up my backside. It has revolutionised my playing and it has also helped my sinus issues. You just need to stick your backside out like a baboon and suck in.”
Scientists are looking into the claim and are excited about what this will mean for other developments including communicating through the backside.
McCann will perform his first 4-hour concert this weekend around the back of the Glenavon.
Fake Sam Maguire Raises Doubts If All Ireland Was Played At All. Replay On Cards.
News that the Sam Maguire Cup which has toured the pubs and clubs in the county of Armagh was a fake has cast doubts over whether the All-Ireland Final was played at all in the first place.
Croke Park officials have admitted they can’t confirm whether the fake trophy was presented to the Armagh captain on the day and may have to declare the name null and void.
Thousands of Armagh supporters have reacted angrily to the news, with many tearing up photographs after it emerged that the cup was not the real Sam Maguire but a replica made by a man in a garage in Loughmacrory, near Omagh. He pocketed £50 a photo off unsuspecting Orchard fans.
Alarmingly, Croke Park might order the match to be played again to ensure the correct trophy is in place at the start of the match.
An Armagh supporter fumed:
“Them Tyrone ones. They can’t let us have even the slightest happiness. If they ruin this for us they’ll never get one more apple off us, for ten years at least. This is a bollocks.”
Galway are already in training for the rematch.
Anger As Thousands Mistakenly Book Tickets For Oasis Nightclub In Strabane
Oasis Nightclub in Strabane has been accused of purposely misleading the public after advertising their nighttime dancing club on Ticketmaster at the same time as tickets went on sale for the band of the same name.
The advert, which offered tickets for £50 with promises of ‘a great light show, smoke machine, and fantastic music’, sold over 2700 units for the night of Sunday 17th August next year. Oasis nightclub, which usually pulls in around 200 people on a good night, claims they have done nothing wrong:
“It was just a pure coincidence. We genuinely didn’t know it was the same time as the band Oasis was playing in Croke Park as we’re more into country music here. If it’s any consolation, we’ll play one or two Oasis songs and we will use extra smoke from the machine for the slow set.”
Meanwhile, Liam Gallagher is rumoured to visit the county around the time of the concerts to catch a glimpse of the electric tractor in Kildress. One of their most famous songs commemorates the time he saw the tractor for the first time at a tractor convention in Liverpool. Kildress native, Gerry Loughran, when quizzed by Gallagher as to why it was so quiet, told the Mancunian, ‘She’s Electric’.
Shocking Scenes At Rose Of Tralee After Party: Cursing, Drinking Beer and Giving The Fingers
It has emerged that the Rose of Tralee after-party descended into chaos with many of the ‘Roses’ churning out profanities and obscenities, drinking bottles of beer, and several instances of Roses giving each other the fingers from across tables, as well as dirty looks.
Witnesses also confirmed reports that two of the Roses almost came to blows outside the female toilets due to an argument over whether Dáithí Ó Sé or Ray D’Arcy was the better presenter. The fight was side-stepped after an impromptu rendition of It’s A Long Way To Tipperary was started by the New York Rose and spread throughout the room, disarming the situation.
A waitress at the event revealed:
“Ye think these girls are all nice but with a few drinks in them, they are terrors. There was a Rose of the west of the country who was glaring at the London Rose all night and then just kept giving her the fingers and calling her bad words. She was nearly going to give her the middle finger but was stopped by the Dublin Rose. One of the northern Roses was necking Peroni and burping. I’m just glad we didn’t have to call the priest.
Bouncers had to move in at 2am and close the party after two Roses started doing provocative dance moves to Lady In Red, making a clatter of the Escorts blush.
Eels Hold Protest At Mouth Of River Bann Over State Of Lough Neagh
Scientists have confirmed that thousands of eels have gathered at Bannfoot at the southern part of Lough Neagh to protest against the state Lough Neagh is currently in. In addition, fish-speak specialists are close to working out the wording of what seems to be an eel chant along the lines of “Don’t Be Mean, Clear The Green” or something to that effect.
Professor Burt McCourt, who managed to debunk the Loch Ness Monster folktale after 10 years of closely staring the Scottish waterway, is also concerned that there might be a smaller splinter protesting eel group who believe the green algae is fake news.
“It seems a bit complicated down at Bannfoot there. I noticed a group of about 60000 eels circling around the mouth of the river as it flows into the Lough. I know they are definitely protesting at the state of the Lough as they are humming some kind of mantra. They are on the left-hand side. The ones on the right I don’t think are too fussed about protesting and want to charge ahead. I just hope it doesn’t turn nasty.”
Meanwhile, Stormont is looking into possibly making money out of the green waterways for St Patrick’s Day, to rival Boston.
Principals Warn Parents To Stop Hanging Around School Gates – Still A Month To Go
The Head Teachers Union has appealed to parents to go home and enjoy the rest of the summer holidays after it emerged several schools have been forced to chase parents from loitering around school gates to see if there’s any movement inside.
St Feichin’s School in Moygashel had to call the police after twenty parents scaled the wire fence and started banging on the principal’s window as she prepared for the coming academic year.
Union leader Mrs Joy Duster appealed:
“Please, please go home. There’s still the guts of a month yet and the children will not be getting in until their given starting date. We understand the weather hasn’t been great but with the Olympics on and a new series of Stranger Things coming out, it shouldn’t be too hard to keep the children entertained for another four weeks.”
One parent, who wished to remain anonymous, added
“For the love of God, take them back early. We’ll even pay the voluntary contribution thing that no one pays. I can’t listen to the Fortnite music any more. And the Taylor |Swift album can do one too. And they keep eating the bread.”
Mary (44), from the Moy, went on to say that some teachers are roaming the village from pub to pub, rubbing it in.
Croke Park Seagull Speaks To TT In Most Powerful Interview Yet
The Croke Park Seagull has joined us here today in what promises to be the most remarkable interview ever done on the island of Ireland this year.
The gull made national news after he stayed on the field of play in the All-Ireland Final on Sunday between Galway and Armagh until he was forcibly removed by a steward halfway through the first half.
In this explosive interview, we learn a little about his background and what made him do the unthinkable on Sunday. Strap up for one hell of a ride.
First of all, tell us a little about yourself.
Well, first of all, thank you for having me here. Us seagulls rarely get the chance to speak on national platforms so we as a community are grateful for the opportunity to do this.
Remember, only tell us what you’re comfortable with
Yes, well my name is Steve. I’m actually a herring gull and come from a long line of gulls from Dublin. In fact, my great aunt actually came from your neck of the woods, near Dungiven, but she was unfortunately shot by a farmer in Draperstown. (sobs)
Very sorry to hear that and if anyone reading this has been affected by farmers shooting at them, please contact us and we’ll see that you’re sorted. OK, moving on, why were you on the pitch on Sunday?
Well TT, to be honest, I was sick of what I was watching so I decided to push up on the Galway kickouts in the first 10 minutes to make them go long. We need to see some midfield battles again and I made sure any space in front of the keeper was filled.
Fair point. We noticed that you changed wings after 15 minutes. Not on the field, your actual wings. Why was that, my man?
You have to keep evolving in this game. I could see McGeeney squinting at me so I took advantage of that and sort of shape-shifted a bit. It worked and you could see Rian O’Neill was totally off his game at the start. He was bamboozled.
You have come in for a bit of criticism after it emerged you’d signed up to a sponsorship deal with Paddy Power before the game, is this true Steve?
Well TT, when you are gull with a life expectancy of 20 years you have to make hay. I also had PP tattooed onto my beak but the cameras didn’t pick it up. My bosses weren’t best pleased (laughter)
Finally Steve, any plans for another TV appearance?
Well, the people behind Mrs Brown’s Boys contacted me asking if I’d be interested in making a guest appearance. I told them to go to (BLEEP) and that I’d rather be stoned by a pile of Dublin kids that appear on that shite.
Apologies for the language there, readers, but that’s live interviews for you (laughter).
I’d like to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to Julie, the wife, who is unwell at the minute with the vomiting after accidentally eating her own faeces thinking it was ice-cream
Thank you very much Steve for the interview. Next week we will have a very special guest in the studio which I know will be the best one yet.
(Steve the herring gull attacks TT presenter).
County’s Farmers Excited As Round Baling To Be Introduced At 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles
Farmers across the county were spotted training as early as 4am this morning after it was announced that round-baling will be trialled at the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles, with high hopes that Tyrone can win gold, silver, and bronze at the Games in the same event.
As well as modern round-baling competitions, there will also be individual events in mowing, turning, rowing, and traditional bale-stacking, although the Polish are favourites for those events.
Pat McGurk, a 61-year-old farmer from outside Cookstown, is adamant he’ll be in Los Angeles in 2028:
“I can do up to 500 round bales on a good day if I’m up early. I can’t see anyone competing with that, and I include the Chinese. I know there’s a man in Kildress who can do over 400 but I know for a fact he’s on the performance-enhancing drugs. His tractor also won’t make the cut as it’s one of them Big Buds from America and it has something like a 3000L engine.”
Tyrone haven’t won an Olympic medal since 1928 when Danny Talbot from Brackaville finished third in the poetry competition with the poem “Cock-Fighting On The Bridge”. His bronze medal was subsequently taken back after it emerged he had copied the poem from a school textbook.
Travel Agents In Moy ‘Bunged To Gills’ After Armagh Reach All-Ireland Final
Queues stretching as far as Charlemont were reported yesterday as hundreds of Tyrone people from the south of the county booked holidays from Jordan’s Travel Agents in the Moy in the immediate aftermath of the All-Ireland semi-finals. In an unrelated event, their neighbours Armagh qualified for their first All-Ireland final in 22 years.
Early indications suggest that the favoured destination was ‘anywhere you can get me‘ and for a timespan of ‘at least 14 days‘. One holiday-goer, Freddie Cavanagh, spoke to us after leaving the shop following a 3-hour queueing session:
“Ach we just decided we need out of here for a bit. There weren’t many places left by the time we got into the shop and ended up booking a package holiday in South Sudan for 18 days. It was cheap and we were told it might be a bit dangerous but sure we went to Strabane last week and it was grand. It’ll do.”
Jordan’s Travel Agents cited their busiest day since September 2002 and reckon the poor weather has pushed people to extreme measures.
Meanwhile, the Moy Safe Neighbourhood Watch (MSNW) group is on high alert after plans for a successful Armagh homecoming were leaked this morning. The timeline includes mistakenly taking a wrong turn before they get to Armagh city, and driving through Eglish and the Moy. The MSNW has warned of zero tolerance towards unwanted traffic.
Mulligan & Harte To Choose Entrance Songs For Pundit Face-Off On BBC Coverage This Weekend
Hundreds of thousands are expected to tune in to the BBC this weekend as Mickey Harte returns to the airwaves as a pundit alongside fellow county-man Owen Mulligan. Insiders have confirmed that the BBC will separate the two Tyrone men until the last moment, with their make-up departments at opposite sides of the ground.
Additionally, both men have been asked to choose entrance songs before going live, accompanied by pyrotechnics and fireworks just outside the commentary box. Although both men are keeping their song choices close to their chest, a musical director within the BBC admitted:
“We believe Mulligan is going for ‘Prodigal Son‘ by the Rolling Stones whilst Harte is veering towards ‘If I Could Turn Back Time‘ by Cher. Mulligan is also asking for a custom-made robe to be sewn for the occasion with flashing red hands on it, whilst holding a brolly. It should be quite the spectacle.”
Michael Murphy has been spotted doing weights at a gym in Donegal, suggesting he will be used as security if things get physical in the studio at the weekend.
BBC NI Weather Team Accused Of Making It Rain On Purpose
Cynics online have confirmed they have proof the BBC NI weather team has been secretly manipulating the weather so that people will tune in to hear if the bad news will improve. Additionally, it has emerged that Barra Best’s favourite song is Cloudbusting by Kate Bush, a song about a rain-making process that involved using a machine.
Rumours first emerged weeks ago that the BBC NI team was affecting the weather after three of them were spotted on Portstewart beach performing a ritual dance while having a barbecue. Within hours it was hail-stoning across the country.
One online cynic added:
“I’ve no doubt that Barra, Cecilia, Angie and Geoff are fiddling with the weather. When they’re talking about it raining and stuff you can see them smirking. How come in the 1990s it was sunny from May til September and now I’ve a duffle coat on me in Bundoran? It’s all to do with the Matrix and they’re in it.”
An estimated 1.5m people are set to tune into the weather today at 6.55pm to see if there will be any sun tomorrow.
Disappointing Turnout By Graveyard Residents At Local Westminster Elections
Parties across the spectrum here have expressed disappointment at the lack of votes by the dead this year in today’s election, citing apathy and lack of effort on the part of the deceased.
The departed, who at one time accounted for up to 40% of votes in the six counties, retaliated by claiming very little has been done in recent years ‘to jazz up the graves’ and tackle underage drinking and littering around the place.
Sinn Fein activist Geroid McClenaghan fumed:
“There was a time when our dearly departed made the effort on voting day and that was the difference betwen being elected or being left on the scrapheap. Now, they are not just resting in peace, they’re being god damn lazy. The don’t make the dead the way they used to. I blame modern society.”
Roddy McGrin, who died in 1956, hit back:
“Themuns up in Stormont sitting on their holes doing nothing for us here in the cemetery. It’s like being in hell here. Younguns full on Buckfast dancing to music with no words til all hours at night and no cops about. Why should we bother our backsides backing them wasters? I’d rather be six-foot under than vote for that shower. Oh, wait….”
Meanwhile, voting in Coalisland was suspended from 5-6pm after Landi’s announced a Happy Hour with a sausage supper and Lilt costing just £3.99.
Irish Government To Raise Taxes After Dublin’s Elimination From Championship
The Irish nation has turned its anger towards Galway and Galwegians, as well as referee Sean Hurson, after it emerged a wave of tax rises is to come into effect next week, to counter the loss of revenue from not having Dublin supporters at the latter stages of the championship, as well as to raise money for training funds to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
In what was described as an apocalyptical nightmare for the Irish Finance Division, the banking system went into meltdown as soon as Galbally’s Sean Hurson blew the final whistle on Saturday evening. Early estimates suggest that Dublin’s exit might cost the tax-payer an extra €6 a day over the next 12 months.
We got some early reactions from those affected:
“Why didn’t that bollocks Hurson not allow another minute? I know why, he’s up north and won’t be affected by the fallout. I was already stung this morning. I got a sausage roll that cost me €3. Last week it was €2.79.” PETER FROM KILDARE
“They should just tax the hell outta the Galway ones; they caused this with their assertive brand of football. The Dublin government will bleed us dry now, to pump more money into the Dublin training fund.” MARY FROM MAYO
The Dublin squad met for a debrief on Sunday morning at a swimming pool in Drumcondra. Locals said they heard a lot of shouting by men in suits and several players as well as manager Dessie Farrell left the pool crying.
Government Approve Plans To Re-Deploy Teachers Over The Summer On The Roads
Officials at Stormont have rubberstamped plans to use teachers in July and August, with most being asked to refill potholes, cut hedges, or operate temporary start-stop signs at roadworks.
Although all teaching unions have vowed to fight the decision, government insiders are convinced that the decision cannot be overturned, with one remarking ‘this will wipe the smug smirks off their faces’.
DUP councillor Margarite Bryson explained:
“Teachers wouldn’t need to forget that they work for the government. They get paid a full wage for doing nothing for two months apart from going for coffee or living it up in Majorca. We’ve already earmarked a road outside Toome that has 17 potholes and the hedges need a good trimming. If we can assign about 10 teachers to that road in July it’ll be in some shape by September.”
Three teachers have already taken up work on a road near the Moy, taking turns to operate the temporary stop-start sign. Unfortunately, one of the teachers, who normally teaches RE, pulled a muscle in her left arm and is out on the sick for three months.
Harte To Play Taylor Swift Songs At Training. Swift To Attend Croker To Support Native Derry.
Mickey Harte has taken the unusual step of playing Taylor Swift songs at training before the Kerry quarter-final after it emerged the American singer has Derry roots. It can also be revealed that Swift is looking forward to cheering on her native Derry in person and hopes ‘McKinless keeps the head’ but knows him all too well.
Harte, who is looking to avoid a cruel summer with a win over the Kingdom, is urging for Derry and Swift fans to merge this Sunday and support the team. The Ballygawley man hasn’t beaten Kerry in the championship since 2008, with this Sunday a chance to take that record and shake it off.
“I was delighted to hear the Swift girl was a big fan of Derry. To be honest, things were looking bleak lately and I was staring into a blank space. I know I was becoming an anti-hero and some people were claiming ‘I knew you were trouble’, but this could become a love-story and I say to the Derry fans, you belong with me.”
Swift, who is a big fan of Ballinderry style football, added that she hopes McKinless doesn’t get wound up:
“I know there’s a bit of bad blood between Mickey and Kerry but that was Tyrone. Mickey told the Tyrone board, ‘we are never betting back together’, so it’s all about Derry now. McKinless just needs to keep the head. I want Derry to win it this year. I don’t wanna live forever so this is the year. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d see Conor Glass in person. When I heard I was going to Croke I spilt my coffee and said to my agent, look what you made me do!”
When asked what his favourite Taylor Swift song was at training, McKinless went for Guilty As Sin.
Mysterious Omagh Humming Sound Revealed As An Old Age Choir That Just Hums Songs
The mysterious humming sound that has plagued Omagh residents for over a year has been revealed after diligent undercover work by the Tyrone Tribulations Investigative Team (TTIT). Despite government officials declaring that they would not reveal the source, we can reveal that an underground pensioner choir in the town have taken to humming classic songs such as ‘Over The Rainbow’, ‘Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad’ and ‘Ne’er My God To Thee’ due to many of the singers forgetting the words.
The humming choir, which was due to make its debut at the Tyrone Fleadh this year with an average age of 76, have decided not to perform publically because of a possible public backlash after it emerged hundreds of Omagh townspeople haven’t slept in months.
One of the humming singers, simply known as ‘Sinattera’, explained:
“We kept forgetting how some songs started and it was a bit awkward with the silences and all. Then I just told them ‘fcuk it, just hum til we work out the tune’ so we started humming and then just continued humming. Everyone was so happy not to get hit by the conductor. We can hum the whole of the Bat Outta Hell album by Meatloaf. But we’d get our heads kicked in if some of the sleepless people saw us.”
Omagh residents have agreed not to take the 30-strong hummers to court but have warned them never to perform again or they’ll get burnt out of it in their underground bunker on the Gortin Road.
Tyrone GAA Deny Plan To ‘Drive Derry Back To Divison Four’ By Infiltrating Key Positions In Oak Leaf County
Tyrone GAA officials have refuted allegations that an initiative to infiltrate Derry GAA managerial jobs at all levels, as well as schools, to return Derry to Division 4, was discussed at the County Convention last year, after it looked like Derry was going to come close to winning a second All-Ireland in the coming years.
Derry GAA has since revealed that they have been inundated with applicants for county managerial jobs from Tyrone men at U17, U20, and Senior level, despite the jobs never being advertised or needing to be filled. Additionally, a whistle-blower from within the Tyrone GAA camp has alleged that a secret convention was held between major stakeholders within the county to discuss breaking the Derry revival and “driving the bastards back to Division 4“.
The unnamed source added:
“They talked about a secret agent who was going to take over a major post in Derry and endear himself to supporters by winning a few matches, only to push them over the edge from the highest point of the hill. Then all underage structures would be targeted in a strategically timed manner, starting with getting Tyrone men into Principal jobs in schools around Dungiven, Bellaghy, Ballinderry and Maghera.”
A Tyrone GAA official has denied the allegation but admitted it didn’t look good for their dear neighbours before walking off and singing Danny Boy and winking.
Warm Saturday Sees Spray Tan Carnage At Gortin First Communion
An outspoken priest has scolded mothers at a First Communion ceremony in Gortin for ruining their daughters’ big day by melting over their white dresses due to the hot weather.
Fr Derek Kneeler, 54, also lambasted the local spray tan salon which was offering a £20 full body spray First Communion special.
“These women were showing up pure orange. And with the hot weather and the heating on in the chapel, I could see half of them with streaks down their faces and struggling in general to see. Then the photos after were a disaster. The young girls’ dresses looked like Armagh flags because the mothers were hugging them. That salon should be burned to the ground.”
One father was suspected of having had a tan on but he denied the accusation, claiming he just drank too much Lucozade that morning.
Meanwhile, three potholes near Cookstown have been shortlisted for the next Wonder of the World.
Tyrone Tribulations 