Category Archives: Dungannon
Dungannon Man Regrets Eating Yellow Snow. Couldn’t Resist It. Loves Bananas.
A Dungannon fencer maintains he couldn’t resist licking and then eating a ball of yellow snow down an alleyway off the main street, but now regrets his actions after contracting a rare stomach bug called Urinas Meltas.
Barry Whitehair, 44, maintains that it looked too refreshing to resist and ‘a bit like frozen banana-flavoured ice cream’, even though logic told him it was unlikely to be that.
“Ach I feel like a bit of an idiot now, but I just love bananas. And seeing that ice-cool yellowy snow just made my mouth water. It was only after I’d finished the ball that I remembered all them wives in the street growing up telling us never to eat yellow now. I should have heeded them.”
This is not the first time Whitehair fell foul of not believing wives’ tales after he developed severe arthritis from cracking his knuckles too often and had to give up fencing.
Toilet Rolls Sell Out In Gortin Area Before Arrival Of Storm Eowyn. ‘Use Ferns’ Advises Government.
The government has uploaded videos of how to use ferns and brackens to replace the use of toilet rolls, after the big Spar shop in Gortin as well as all the minor shops in the area pleaded for shoppers to stop asking for workers to search for toilet rolls ‘around the back’ as locals fear the worst before the arrival of storm Eowyn.
Andrex, Velvet and Nicky have also confirmed that they will not be shipping extra toilet rolls to the Gortin area as there is already a big demand in other areas such as Cookstown, Dungannon, Strabane and Omagh.
Gortin shopper, Liam Coyle, fumed:
“If the ministers think I’m heading into the Gortin Glens to clean my hole in broad daylight with a few ferns, they’ve another thing coming. I’m 76 and have a bit of dignity. They need to dip into the reserves around Stormont and give us what we need before this storm arrives. With the amount of shite they spew up there, I’m sure there’s a plethora of bog roll hidden on the hill.”
When asked why people were stocking up on toilet rolls before a gale, Coyle said it was in case the electricity goes out.
Coalisland Man To Sue Chemist After Very Strong Viagra Tablet Mistaken As Paracetamol
According to sources close to the pair, a Coalisland kiln-maker, Marty Guinness (61), and his partner have initiated proceedings against a chemist in Dungannon after his paracetamol purchase left him in a permanently heightened state, three days after it was consumed.
Guinness, who ordered the supposed batch of paracetamols after getting his finger caught in a gate, noticed something was wrong when his partner was giving off about the mess he’d left the small living room in, and he didn’t really mind.
“In fact I found her quite attractive,” added Guinness. “She was calling me all the bad names of the day but I just found her deadly alluring. It was then I realised it wasn’t a paracetamol I had ate, but one of them Viagras, and a strong one at that. I keep taking cold showers but to no avail. It’s very awkward in the pub, especially when you’re talking to an oul fella or a relative. I’ve had some quare looks.”
Guinness’s partner, Mary Rice, revealed that although the constant attention was flattering to start with, she is now tired of the seductive looks and has taken to hitting him with a wooden spoon.
Doctors believe the symptoms will subside soon.
First Country & Western GCSE ‘Going Well’ in Dungannon Tech
Ireland’s first Country and Western GCSE qualification has got off to a good start says officials at the prestigious Dungannon Tech in South Tyrone, with all 14 students passing their first assessment with flying colours.
The first module, which covers topics such as analysing and devising lyrics to do with losing your girlfriend/boyfriend to a rival, and how to dress country style, was assessed last week with all but one student receiving 100% in their tests. The remaining student only received 88% after they mistakenly wrote down that black shoes go well with jeans.
Teacher Malachi Cushling added:
“The students already had a sound knowledge of Hugo, Philomena, and the American greats like Tammy Wynette and Willie Nelson. We even had a country disco last week to celebrate the results, although that had to be cut short after one of the students got his pointy shoe caught in a grill in the middle of the floor. They were all bleary-eyed on Monday morning, having watched the Late Late Show Country Special flat out all day Sunday.”
Next month’s modules include ‘Cowboy electricians are not musicians‘ and ‘Hank Williams is no Nathan Carter‘.
Plumbers Make Up To £6000-a-day Over Christmas Period Fixing Blocked Toilets
Heavy eating over the festive period has seen plumbing rocket to the best-paid trade in the country, with some plumbers making over £6000 a day due to emergency call-outs because of blocked toilets.
In what is known in the business as the plumbers’ ‘Brown Friday‘, the day after Christmas is considered the most lucrative day for plumbers, with many earning enough to afford foreign holidays between the 27th-31st December, returning again on New Year’s Day to face another day of unblocking drains for astronomical prices.
Dungannon plumber, Davy McCann, explained:
“I don’t know if people are just bigger eaters now or toilets are getting smaller, but the amount of blocked toilets is through the roof around Christmas these last few years. I had 7 call-outs on Christmas Day this year, and I charge £500 a call out. It’s a love/hate day. I make a fortune, but sometimes it’s hard wading through other people’s s**te when you are half-cut yourself. It puts the dung in Dungannon alright.”
New Year’s Day is expected to be another heavy day for plumbers, with many families ridding the house of leftovers before the health kick.
American Woman Disappointed Coalisland Isn’t An Island. Calls For Town To Be Renamed.
A 45-year old woman from Arizona has called for Coalisland to be renamed after she flew 5000 miles to visit the town ‘which sounded magical on the map, like an island full of coal’, after seeing an image of it from 100 years ago on Google.
Mandy Power, who planned on swimming from Dungannon to Coalisland instead of getting a boat, picked the town out on a map during a moment of madness after drinking two bottles of Jack Daniels on a Sunday night and jumped on a plane the following morning.
She added:
“When I arrived at the roundabout in Dungannon, I looked for the boats or pier and couldn’t see any. I asked a local man how to get to this Coalisland. He said to take the Coalisland Road past the ‘Dork field and then keep going on the Dungannon Road but not to take a wrong turn at the Bush. He said when you see Landi’s you’ll be there in the centre. I asked about the boat and he just threw his eyes up and told me to catch myself on.”
Power stayed a couple of days in Coalisland anyway despite the disappointment and visited Newell Stores nearly every day, bringing home gifts for her family such as sausage rolls and apple tarts. She has called for the town to be renamed.
Possible Donegal Spy Balloon Spotted Flying Over Ballygawley. Shot Down.
Tyrone GAA officials have officially complained to GAA administrators in Dublin after it emerged that a balloon flying over Ballygawley on Thursday was possibly a Donegal spy balloon, as it appeared to be sponsored by McEniff Hotels.
With Donegal set to face Tyrone in Omagh on Sunday, early evidence appears to suggest that they intended to get a head start by spying on any new tactics Dooher and Logan may be thinking of trying out at the weekend.
Luckily Peter Harte spotted the balloon whilst studying clouds during a lull in the training session in Garvaghey. Dooher instructed his players to start doing yoga followed by ballet dancing in order to confuse their rivals.
The balloon was eventually shot down by Feargal Logan who keeps a pile of air pistols handy just in case, in the boot of his Mazda.
UPDATE:
The balloon was actually a helium balloon bought for a 10-year-old’s birthday in Dungannon which blew away due to high winds. Logan has promised to reimburse the young lad.
Dungannon Swifts To Offer Ronaldo Career Lifeline With 3-Year Deal Plus Extras
East Tyrone soccer club Dungannon Swifts have thrown Portuguese man Cristiano Ronaldo a career lifeline, offering the want-away Man United player a lucrative three-year contract until 2025, including a free rental car for the first year from Donnelly Brothers, and nine holes free of charge at Brackaville Golf Course, Wednesday to Friday only.
Although his agent has yet to confirm whether or not he will accept the offer, our sources told us that he is also pushing for home heating oil as payment by McKernan Fuels as well as free tickets to the pictures on Saturday nights for the duration at his stay in Dungannon.
A Swifts player, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“He’ll need to pull his weight and dung out around the defence. We’re not deadly at the defending and he wouldn’t need to be running to the Democrat or Courier if things go badly. But he’ll love the town and sure his second cousin Renato Ronaldo does the recruitment at Moy Park if the wife wants to earn a couple of extra bob in the month.”
The club rejected a clause that if he scored 100 goals in three years that a statue was to be built in the Ponderosa area or even Lisnahull.
Ronaldo was unavailable for comment but a man looking a bit like him was seen having a fish supper as Mossa’s Chippy at the Tamnamore Roundabout.
Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
Dungannon Man Causes Riot By Putting Out Wrong Bins
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Dungannon man Pedro Sanchez caused utter chaos around Tyrone’s second town, Dungannon, by putting out all three bins on the street last Tuesday. Under cover of darkness, Mr Sanchez, who lives at the top of Irish Street, has admitted to wheeling out the blue, brown and black bins and leaving them in plain sight the whole day before bin day which is on Thursday.
Sanchez, who plays right half back for the Clarkes Reserves, caused panic amongst those who only look up the road the night before bin day to see what the others have put out.
“the oul memory isn’t what it used to be”
said the 26-year-old. He continued:
“like, how are you supposed to remember the pin numbers for all your cards, the mobile phone numbers, the code for the front door at work, the passwords for your online accounts AND the feckin’ right bins to be put out every week.“
Riots broke out across the town as residents argued over what bin it should be. Even the bin men themselves got confused, started fighting too, and ended up mixing up all waste and recycling and just throwing it into the one lorry.
Petrol Pumps Now Sucking Fuel OUT Of Cars, Say Customers
Several filling stations are being investigated this morning after customers complained of having less fuel in their tanks leaving the pumps than they had before they arrived.
Service stations across the county were inundated with complaints, with one punter from Auchnacloy claiming he had 88 miles on the clock when he arrived but left the forecourt with only 80 miles on it after sticking a tenner of diesel into his 1998 Nissan.
Johnny Campbell explained:
“I couldn’t believe it. I’ve to drive from Aughnacloy to Dungannon and back today so wanted to stick a tenner in to get the gauge over 100 miles. I couldn’t believe it when I drove off to find out the pump had actually sucked diesel out of the motor. I could even hear the sucking sounds at the time but thought it was just a new system they were using. Shower of robbing hoors.”
All of the main fuel companies have denied sucking the diesel and petrol out of vehicles but warned customers that they wouldn’t rule it out down the line.
Plasterers Top Sexiest Men Survey. Joiners Finish Last.
After over 4000 votes in a poll carried out by The Tradesman Magazine in Omagh earlier this week, it has emerged that plasterers are the working-men that women desire most, with electricians, stove-fitters and roof-thatchers following closely behind. Joiners, unfortunately, came out bottom of the pile due to having bad knees and multiple limb amputations.
In reasons for giving their votes to plasterers, most women cited big hands, good at bending, stretching and lifting, and having plaster stuck in the hair, giving the men an interesting salt and pepper look as long as they didn’t shower.
On the other hand, joiners are said to be the worst at proposing due to banjaxed knees and having fingers and toes missing.
Bridget Tomney (55) from Cookstown confirmed the findings:
“When we hear that the plasterers are coming in to do the plastering in a new housing development, most of us take a week off work and just watch from our cars at the top of the estate. It’s like that Coke advert when the man drinks his Coke and the women are upstairs watching him. Then the joiners come in and we go back to work.”
This afternoon, Dungannon Tech revealed that they received over 2000 application forms for the Plastering course, including many married men forced to by their wives.
Boris Johnson Sneaks Across Armagh Tyrone Border To See Sam & Dazzler McCurry
Sources have confirmed that the English PM Boris Johnson made an unexpected break across the Blackwater in an attempt to catch sight of either Darren McCurry or Sam Maguire, both highly desired icons in the northern hemisphere.
To his delight, Johnson encountered both the Dazzler and the cup in a boutique in Dungannon which McCurry was visiting to get kitted out for the All Star awards in December. The Edendork sharpshooter had coincidentally brought Sam Maguire along to make sure he could lift it when wearing a tight-fitting shirt.
Although no photos exist of the occasion, onlookers described how Johnson persisted in calling McCurry ‘The Dangler’ and dropped the cup five times during a three minute conversation. Johnson proceeded to have a fish supper from a van on the Killymeal Road before heading back to Armagh.
Boris Johnson was in Armagh to commemorate 100 years of Buckfast brewing in Lurgan.
For the record, Dazzler opted for a William Westmancott Ultimate Bespoke Suit which is designed and woven in a traditional Irish mill near Killyman. Padraig Hamspey will be wearing 32-inch Wranglers and a Top Gear ’96 t-shirt.
Church Attendance Set To Rocket On Sunday Before Euro Final
Parishes across the county have been warned to expect ‘droves’ of lapsed worshippers returning to Mass this Sunday, just hours before the Euro final between Italy and England. The Vatican have asked priests to turn a blind eye to those who don’t know the new rules about sitting, standing and genuflecting.
Already, several complaints have been made to authorities regarding light pollution as multiple candles have been lit in most households since 11pm on Wednesday night.
Henry Campbell, a non-practising Catholic of 55 years from Beragh, admitted he has felt an undeniable urge to return to religion immediately:
“I can’t explain it. As soon as the final whistle went last night, I fell to my knees and said ‘Holy Mary, mother of God’ and just started praying. It was a magical, yet worrying feeling, like impending doom. I can’t wait to go to Mass now on Sunday. I’ll be praying like hell. Are you still allowed to talk after Communion?”
Meanwhile, three Kane families in Coalisland have urged people to stop giving them dirty looks, reiterating that they’re not related to Harry Kane in the slightest. The Maguires and Rices in Dungannon have also experienced similar social isolation in the last three weeks.
Ronaldo ‘Not Ruling Out’ Move To Dungannon Swifts At End Of Career
In a shock Instagram post, Portuguese soccer man Cristiano Ronaldo has left his strongest hint yet that he may see out his glittering career playing in the Irish League for the struggling Dungannon Swifts.
The local Portuguese community in the town have been wildly celebrating the possibility of their national icon donning the blue jersey of the Swifts and have already purchased over 300 season tickets for the 350-seated stadium for the next two years.
Ronaldo, who turns 37 next February, was photographed reading an Images of Ireland book focused on Dungannon itself in a bid to possibly familiarise himself with important places such as the library, Hagan’s Bar and the Hill of the O’Neill and Ranfurly House Arts and Visitors’ Centre. It is also thought that he may join the leisure centre if prices remain competitive.
Long time Swift’s fan Roger McAree added a word of caution:
“He’ll have to earn his place on the Swift’s side. And he won’t be on the free kicks. We’ve a young lad from Portadown joining next year and he’s meant to be pure class at the dead balls. So, it’s great news and all but he won’t be given star treatment.”
When asked about the news, a friend of Ronaldo’s agent’s brother said ‘I’m not ruling anything out’.
Meanwhile, Dungannon GAA club’s footballers have also announced a new signing of sorts to rival the possible news of Ronaldo going to the Swifts. They’ve purchased a new coffee machine but will only share it with the hurlers on Thursdays.
Dungannon Plasterer Fed Up Working From Home. All Walls 1m Thicker Now.
A Dungannon plasterer has vowed to end his working from home schedule after his family complained about having far less room-space to walk about in. In addition, the newly installed pool room has been made redundant as the walls have been plastered so many times you can only do spin shots from above.
Danny Maguire, who once re-plastered the whole of Dungannon church in the two hours between Devotions and the Stations of the Cross one evening, decided to do his bit to fight the pandemic by working from home since March 2020. In order to hone his skills, he re-plastered his whole house 88 times despite pleas from his wife not to ruin the ensuite, which now doesn’t exist as it has been totally plastered out of existence.
Maguire admitted:
“I needed to keep sharp so I kept re-plastering everything. I knew it had to stop when I realised our wall TV was only 2 metres from our faces and it’s a 56-incher. Can’t see a thing now and our eyes have gone to shite.”
Maguire has already been giving the onerous task of plastering Arlene Foster’s new holiday home in Brackaville, as she is a notoriously poor payer and doesn’t offer tea or anything.
Vaccinated Gangs Of Pensioners Terrorising Communities Across The County
Police have asked people to be vigilant after it emerged that gangs of vaccinated pensioners are roaming streets of local towns and villages intimidating younger people and only half wearing their masks and stuff.
Plumbridge was one of the first alerts when over 20 pensioners were caught on CCTV ransacking the local Spar and using their trollies as bumping cars. Despite pleas from sons, daughters and grandchildren to cease, the debauched activity continued, splling outside onto the Main Street where they walked about in groups and refusing to move when asked to by street cleaners and postal workers. Several had even taken to wearing hoodies and beeping like mad late into the night on mobility scooters.
An anonymous pensioner, Mary Quinn (81) from the village, explained:
We’ve been couped up long enough. It’s payback time. It wasn’t fun you know, looking out the window every day and seeing youngsters milling about spreading this thing. Now’s that we’ve had the jabs, we’re going to show them how it’s done.
Mary abruptly left the interview to head into the local off-licence, purchasing three bottles of Buckfast and giving us the middle finger as she left.
Similar stories have been reported in Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh, Ballygawley and Coalisland.
East Tyrone Community Forum Call For Legalization Of Psychedelic Mushrooms If Lockdown Continues
In order to lift spirits before Christmas and to encourage locals to spend heavily in shops, the East Tyrone Community Forum (ETCF) have called on government officials to legalize Magic Mushrooms east of Omagh if the Executive continues with full or partial lockdown measures.
Shrooms, which make up 25% of fields in the greater Dungannon area right up to Ardboe, had long been regarded as a staple diet in the area from the 1300s until 25 years ago when the cops started to tighten up on workman’s glue, ether, poitin and mushrooms as they’d nothing else to be at.
ETCF chairperson B Quinn (69) maintains that the mushrooms will give locals a much needed boost to morale after being prevented from dressing up as Garth Brooks and Dolly Parton for Hallowe’en:
“I’d not advocating going mad on the shrooms, just maybe a small bite in the morning and then another one before going out to shop. It’ll multiply productivity at work and also make people a bit looser with the wallet when we need it most. It’s worth a punt.”
Off licences have reacted angrily to Quinn’s request and have threatened to close on Christmas Day if ministers give mushrooms the green light.
Fights Must Be Finished By Midnight Outside Pubs, To Be Announced This Week
The Assembly are to announce a new rash of rules for pub-going this week in a bid to curb the spread of Covid-19. Fighting, courting and slabbering are all on the menu for discussion this week at Stormont.
Although the press conference will not take place until Thursday, a leaked document spells out a range of new conditions for revellers:
- Fights must be finished or broken up by 12am.
- Last minute romantic courting must begin at 10.30 and last no longer than 15 mins with members of the same or opposite sex.
- You can only curt/tackle people from your own parish and your hands must be visible at all times. Cousins are allowed in BT71, 77 and 78.
- Slow songs can only be played for 10 minutes and one of them must be Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh played in full.
- 6 people can sit at your table but at least 4 of them must look like each other a bit.
- Slabbering at taxi drivers must be done with a mask on.
All new rules will come into force on October 7th and and breaches will be dealt with harshly.
Meanwhile Dungannon ones have been told to stop leppin about if their footballers win the last league game.
Dungannon Park To Be Renamed ‘Jim Allister Stadium’ And May Host All Ireland In 2022
Following today’s free publicity in the Assembly by TUV leader Jim Allister, the 70 acre Dungannon Park area is to apply to have the idyllic oasis turned into one of the biggest GAA grounds in Ireland to be named after the MLA man himself.
The ambitious 70’000 seater stadium will honour the TUV MLA who hinted today of his wish for a modern GAA ground beside the Moy Road which could serve the whole of Ulster, even Monaghan, Cavan and Donegal.
Park ranger Tommy O’Colton beamed:
Fair play til Allister. I never knew of his deep-rooted desire to capitalise on the Dungannon success. This man is a visionary and should even have a statue of himself on the walkway in. Yer man Gildernew can pay in though.
Plans are already in place to have the All-Ireland of 2022, the Commonwealth Games and the LGBQT Games, of which Allister is a fervent supporter, to be played in the Park.
Parents who walk children in the area and feed ducks have been told to go to Peatlands or Drum Manor and to stop whinging.
Tyrone Tribulations 