Category Archives: Omagh
Tyrone To Offer Russians Healy Park As Bomb Target Instead Of Fivemiletown
Tyrone GAA officials are to assemble a convoy to Moscow after it emerged that Fivemiletown is on the Russian radar for nuclear strikes, should Putin take the notion.
After an emergency meeting last night in Dungannon (as Healy Park media room was waterlogged), GAA officials agreed that a strike on Healy Park would be ideal, as they are planning on cutting it up anyway to solve the draining issue.
Henry Sally, GAA War PR, added:
“I can see yer man Putin having an issue with this. Sure we’ll even pretend to be making military uniforms or something using scarecrows in the middle of the field to lure them in. Bombing Fivemiletown would be a disaster. Where would people go after Clogher? Fermanagh? Sure that’s worse than a nuclear fallout.”
If Putin does bomb Healy Park into shite, it is estimated that it could save Tyrone GAA thousands on digger hire.
Cavan Fans Lodge Complaint About Omagh St Enda’s Soup Going Up 10p to £1.60
The famous Omagh GAA soup, recently positively reviewed in a TikTok influencer video, has come under fire by the Cavan Ultras Supporters’ Society (CUSS) after it emerged that Omagh officials have raised the price by 10p, their first increase since 2005.
Cavan, who play Tyrone this Sunday in the Ulster Championship first round in Omagh, have threatened to bring their own mobile soup kitchen to the game and park it outside the main gates, in protest of the 10p hike.
CUSS spokesman Lawrence Reilly fumed:
“Do they think we’re made of money in Cavan? In the past we could have got 2 soups for £3 and took one home for later. Now we’ve to pay an extra 20p for 2 soups. The world has gone mad. I’d rather starve.”
Omagh stewards have warned Cavan supporters not to run onto the pitch when the referee tosses the coin. Last year, in a match against Wicklow, 16 Cavan supporters stormed the field after the coin toss and made off with the coin, his whistle and his stopwatch.
Toilet Rolls Sell Out In Gortin Area Before Arrival Of Storm Eowyn. ‘Use Ferns’ Advises Government.
The government has uploaded videos of how to use ferns and brackens to replace the use of toilet rolls, after the big Spar shop in Gortin as well as all the minor shops in the area pleaded for shoppers to stop asking for workers to search for toilet rolls ‘around the back’ as locals fear the worst before the arrival of storm Eowyn.
Andrex, Velvet and Nicky have also confirmed that they will not be shipping extra toilet rolls to the Gortin area as there is already a big demand in other areas such as Cookstown, Dungannon, Strabane and Omagh.
Gortin shopper, Liam Coyle, fumed:
“If the ministers think I’m heading into the Gortin Glens to clean my hole in broad daylight with a few ferns, they’ve another thing coming. I’m 76 and have a bit of dignity. They need to dip into the reserves around Stormont and give us what we need before this storm arrives. With the amount of shite they spew up there, I’m sure there’s a plethora of bog roll hidden on the hill.”
When asked why people were stocking up on toilet rolls before a gale, Coyle said it was in case the electricity goes out.
‘Mary’ Leaves Scathing Review Of Manger In Beragh On Tripadvisor: “Rip-Off Merchants”.
A 33-year-old pregnant woman who traveled over 3000 miles in recent days to search for distant relatives near Omagh over Christmas, has ridiculed a rentable shed/outhouse in Beragh for ‘looking like a pigsty’ and for having ‘a wile smell of shite’ off the manger.
The reviewer, who goes by the username of Mary0000, added that there wasn’t even as little as a crib for a bed and that the cattle were making a weird sound all night, like ‘lowwwwwww’.
She added, on Tripadvisor:
“If that wasn’t bad enough, three headcases from Omagh kept knocking on the door trying to give me presents. They were off their heads on ether or some other stuff they called frankenstein or something but it was definitely illegal. And the dick of an owner charged me £300 for the night even though it was only £120 last night. I won’t be back. No stars from me.”
The manager of the Beragh Manger Facilities, Ally Rogers, defended his premises and hit back on the website by accusing Mary0000 of showing up at all hours of the night and moaning about all the other places being closed.
“She’s just a whinger” added Rogers. “I think the parter, Joe, was a bit embarrassed”.
Derry County Board Interviewed FIVE Tyrone Celebrities Including Begley, Taylor and Cush
The recent round of interviews for the Derry manager’s job was described as being the ‘stiffest yet’ as Tyrone legends Dennis Taylor, Philomena Begley, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, and Jimmy Cricket finished behind Paddy Tally in the race to become the boss of the county’s footballers.
Tally, who hails from Galbally which has a Chinese takeaway and a convenience store, had to withstand stiff competition from Malachi Cush after the Donaghmore man told the Derry interview team that he’d also sing the national anthem if given the job, saving them money. It is reported that Begley and Duncan also offered to sing the anthem but lacked knowledge about the new rules the GAA is bringing in.
An insider informed us:
“Dennis Taylor impressed me with his jovial wit and he did the whole finger wagging thing, and that would be good for discipline. Jimmy Cricket wasn’t really all that interested but he was told to go anyway as he was from Cookstown and that’s only down the road. But we’re happy we’ve got the best Tyrone person we could get. What can go wrong?”
Adrian Logan, Darren Clarke and Kevin McAleer are said to be furious they were overlooked.
Tally is yet to name his backroom team but early signs suggest Omagh’s Sam Neill, Gortin’s Janet Devlin and Tom McDermott from Greencastle are in the running.
Mysterious Omagh Humming Sound Revealed As An Old Age Choir That Just Hums Songs
The mysterious humming sound that has plagued Omagh residents for over a year has been revealed after diligent undercover work by the Tyrone Tribulations Investigative Team (TTIT). Despite government officials declaring that they would not reveal the source, we can reveal that an underground pensioner choir in the town have taken to humming classic songs such as ‘Over The Rainbow’, ‘Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad’ and ‘Ne’er My God To Thee’ due to many of the singers forgetting the words.
The humming choir, which was due to make its debut at the Tyrone Fleadh this year with an average age of 76, have decided not to perform publically because of a possible public backlash after it emerged hundreds of Omagh townspeople haven’t slept in months.
One of the humming singers, simply known as ‘Sinattera’, explained:
“We kept forgetting how some songs started and it was a bit awkward with the silences and all. Then I just told them ‘fcuk it, just hum til we work out the tune’ so we started humming and then just continued humming. Everyone was so happy not to get hit by the conductor. We can hum the whole of the Bat Outta Hell album by Meatloaf. But we’d get our heads kicked in if some of the sleepless people saw us.”
Omagh residents have agreed not to take the 30-strong hummers to court but have warned them never to perform again or they’ll get burnt out of it in their underground bunker on the Gortin Road.
Omagh Priest Refuses To Have Wagon Wheel Played At Funeral As He’s ‘Sick Of It’
An Omagh priest has sparked a row in the county after he refused the bereaved family’s wishes to have ‘Wagon Wheel’ played during communion as it was ‘the 5th time this month’ according to the church records.
Fr Tony McCabe, a Belfast man who used to sing in a showband before finding God during a trip to Portrush in 1988, has pleaded for families to think of other musical genres at funerals.
“I’m sick to the back teeth of Jolene, Achy Breaky Heart and Friends in Low Places. Every time I hear Wagon Wheel on the wireless I go into full funeral mass mode. It has to stop. Why not try What’s Another Year or Your Song? What’s wrong with Tyrone people?”
Additionally, the top three cremation songs in the county are:
- Take Me Home Country Road
- Go Rest High On That Mountain
- I Drive Your Truck
Olympic Committee Looking At Healy Park As Swimming Event Venue For 2044
Ireland is on the cusp of an amazing bid to host the 2044 Olympics after the IOC (International Olympic Committee) accidentally watched the Tyrone/Monaghan NFL game last night on TG4. With the possibility of Casement Park being built by then, and flattening of orchards in Armagh to create space, Ireland is putting together a bid for 2044, with Healy Park in Omagh the epicentre for the swimming event.
The IOC committee met today to consider further doping measures around archery, only to accidentally tune into TG4 on their presentation screen instead of the PowerPoint. President Duncan Badhew commented:
“This is exactly what we’ve been waiting for. A gigantic swimming pool with a good viewing gallery. We could run two events at the same time in that pool at Healy Park. This is a big opportunity for Ireland.”
The Tyrone tourism board was alerted immediately and today will see teams of volunteers scrubbing the tin men in Strabane, the crosses at Donaghmore and Ardboe, the chair at Tullyhogue as well as lifting any rubbish around the Folk Park, Gortin Glen and Drum Manor.
Leaflets have also been distributed to Moortown ones to be on their best behaviour when the IOC arrives for an inspection of the county.
Uproar As Omagh Cafe Charges Customers £3 For Cutting Sandwiches In Two
A new cafe, which opened in Omagh this week, has already angered customers after it emerged they add £3 onto the bill if you want your sandwich cut in half.
‘Mugged’, which offers a range of teas, coffees and sandwiches, as well as some heated food such as sausage rolls and soup, has defended the charge of cutting the sandwiches, as well as reminding customers that they would get the same charge if they got out of Omagh and went somewhere like Italy or Greece.
Mugged owner Sammy Finch added:
“People want something for nothing these days. If you want a sandwich cut in two, it takes time to take the order, use a knife and possibly a new plate and napkin. These things don’t grow on trees. Also, there is a hidden danger with using a knife and a risk assessment is taken every time someone wants this style of sandwich”
Local shopper, Mary Grant, fumed after she was charged £6 for asking that her two sandwiches be cut in two:
“The sandwiches were £2.99 each, the tea was £1.99 and then the cutting of the sandwiches stung me for £6. I couldn’t enjoy the sandwiches after they told me the cost and I ended up near choking on one. I was afraid they’d charge me for choking too so I kept the noise down.”
Mugged is open Monday to Saturday from 11am-4pm and does not allow people to charge their laptops in the plug sockets.
Omagh ‘Hum’ Mystery Solved As Harte/Devlin Caught Boring ‘Spy Tunnel’ From Derry
The mysterious humming noise which has kept most of Omagh up at night for a week was finally resolved after the Derry management team of Mickey Harte and Gavin Devlin were caught boring a tunnel from Owenbeg in Derry to Healy Park to spy on pre-match team-talks in the McKenna Cup.
The humming noise, which had been wrongly attributed to wind turbines, 5G masts, Kevin McAleer, and the DUP, only stopped late last night after a miscalculation by Devlin. Instead of boring up through the home changing rooms at Healy Park, Devlin and Harte’s heads appeared in the middle of the dancefloor in Sally’s of Omagh. Ironically, the band was playing ‘Back Home In Derry’ at the time.
A tunnel expert from the town explained:
“This is a quite sophisticated tunnel boring machine (TBM) Harte was using. He’d need to be getting paid plenty to afford that. Cutting through the Sperrins is no mean feat, but no better man than Horse Devlin to drive it on. It also explains why we’ve only heard the noise recently in Omagh. Gortin was hearing it the previous week.”
Although Harte refused an interview, a smirking Gavin Devlin confirmed that there’s definitely gold in the Sperrins, ‘or there used to be’ he said whilst winking.
Steep Rise In Gulpins Linked To Covid Vaccinations Says Omagh Scientist
A 50% rise in gulpins in Tyrone over the last two years has been linked with those who received at least one vaccination, an Omagh scientist with over six years experience with working in a pharmacy has claimed.
Tyrone gulpins were an endangered species during the early part of the 21st century, with most families only having one or two full-blown gulpins within the extended family at any given period. This was in stark contrast to the 1960s-1980s when there were over 4000 gulpins running around the county, some holding high positions in society.
However, the number of gulpins have officially doubled since 2021, with primary schools being forced to identify gulpins from an early age and putting in measures to curtail the spread.
Dr Leo Garland, an expert in Gulpinism, explained:
“It’s them vaccinations.”
The majority of the gulpins appear to be along the county border townlands. Donaghmore have confirmed their first gulpin since 1977.
Derry have also reported a rise in gulpins this year although they’ve always had a high level since the 1800s.
Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
Mid Ulster DUP Election Poster Accused Of Giving People Dirty Looks
Scientists have been forensically analysing a series of DUP posters in Cookstown which have been accused of giving dirty looks to people they believe won’t be giving their vote to the Democratic Unionist Party.
In a further development tonight, several witnesses have claimed that the posters have also been uttering derogatory comments under their breath, but audible enough to cause offence.
And in another late development, Sinn Fein have been accused of erecting counter posters in recent days that argue back at the DUP posters, causing locals to lose sleep with several posters at each other all night.
Science boffin Henry Davies, who discovered pot holes back in 1969, expects the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.
“Yea I think the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.”
In other news, those attending the count centre in Omagh this year have been told to bring their own sandwiches and tea as the shop has been closed down due to an infestation of salmon which bred rapidly in Healy Park during a period of wet weather in March.
Comedians Across The County Fear The Slap Since Oscars
Many local unofficial comedians up and down the county are living in fear that they could receive a slap in the aftermath of any wisecrack, after slapping comedians was legalised in America over the weekend.
Several pubs reported slaps on Monday night after resident jokers went too far with the slagging, a genre which has been a staple diet of drinking establishments in the county for centuries.
Comedians in crowds at football matches have also been warned to think twice about saying anything witty about referees or oppostion managers, as several slaps may be dished out by individuals slappers as per the new ruling.
The Omagh Comedy Club have requested a new licence to prevent slappers clipping anyone they think goes too far with the crowd-baiting technique.
In good news, a formal request to allow retrospective slaps for jokes made in the past about personal stuff has been rejected by the Stormont Appeals Committee. Several politicans held their collective breath, having been accused of being a shower of comedians in the past.
Ironically, a self-confessed comedian from Carland was disappointed not to receive any slaps at the weekend. A local explained that he just wasn’t deadly funny.
Twitter Outrage As Omagh Man Claims To Prefer Pears Over Apples
An Omagh welder has been forced to delete his Twitter account and go underground after claiming he liked pears more than apples during a drunken rant on the social media platform.
@teddytheterror (Ted Quinn) who has tweeted a total of 14 times since 2015 and is followed by 3 others, enraged millions with his controversial tweet at 11.26pm on Saturday 8th January.
Twitterati responded furiously to his tweet with many claiming he needed to ‘do some research‘ and others surmising that he must ‘hate‘ apples. He was also told to ‘educate himself‘, with several others maintaining that they were blocking him with immediate effect after reporting him to authorities for hate crimes.
Omagh District Council has moved quickly to distance themselves from Quinn’s statement and have urged people to not judge the whole town on one inebriated man’s moment of madness.
Quinn has since moved to another social media platform ‘GETTR’ where he claims he’ll speak his mind on many things such as vegetables and the English.
Bridge From Ireland To Scotland Plans Abolished Due To Potholes Already Appearing On Final Drafts
Plans for a £20b bridge between Larne and Stranraer were shelved before the start of any construction due to potholes appearing on the one-year-old drafts. One of the holes, which had a diameter of 5 metres, would have taken five years to be fixed on the actual drafts, and 15 years in reality, according to the Department of Infrastructure.
Additionally, an argument over the bulb wattage for the road lamps between Scotland and Ireland was attempting to derail the plans anyway, with the Scots favouring 40 watt bulbs as opposed to the 60 watts demanded by the Stormont government. Larne had also favoured the 60 watt bulbs as it would light up their town a good bit in order to highlight its majesty.
Omagh man Patrick Kelly, who tarmacs roads around Lough Neagh, expressed his anger at the shelving:
“What in under God is the problem with a few potholes? There’s a pothole outside Tattyreagh and it’s so big that people from America come over to photograph it and buy the tea towels commemorating it. Snowflakes the lot of them.”
The £20bn is to be split between the two interested parties, with Larne one proposing a £10bn bonfire and some biscuits.
Vaccinated Gangs Of Pensioners Terrorising Communities Across The County
Police have asked people to be vigilant after it emerged that gangs of vaccinated pensioners are roaming streets of local towns and villages intimidating younger people and only half wearing their masks and stuff.
Plumbridge was one of the first alerts when over 20 pensioners were caught on CCTV ransacking the local Spar and using their trollies as bumping cars. Despite pleas from sons, daughters and grandchildren to cease, the debauched activity continued, splling outside onto the Main Street where they walked about in groups and refusing to move when asked to by street cleaners and postal workers. Several had even taken to wearing hoodies and beeping like mad late into the night on mobility scooters.
An anonymous pensioner, Mary Quinn (81) from the village, explained:
We’ve been couped up long enough. It’s payback time. It wasn’t fun you know, looking out the window every day and seeing youngsters milling about spreading this thing. Now’s that we’ve had the jabs, we’re going to show them how it’s done.
Mary abruptly left the interview to head into the local off-licence, purchasing three bottles of Buckfast and giving us the middle finger as she left.
Similar stories have been reported in Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh, Ballygawley and Coalisland.
East Tyrone Community Forum Call For Legalization Of Psychedelic Mushrooms If Lockdown Continues
In order to lift spirits before Christmas and to encourage locals to spend heavily in shops, the East Tyrone Community Forum (ETCF) have called on government officials to legalize Magic Mushrooms east of Omagh if the Executive continues with full or partial lockdown measures.
Shrooms, which make up 25% of fields in the greater Dungannon area right up to Ardboe, had long been regarded as a staple diet in the area from the 1300s until 25 years ago when the cops started to tighten up on workman’s glue, ether, poitin and mushrooms as they’d nothing else to be at.
ETCF chairperson B Quinn (69) maintains that the mushrooms will give locals a much needed boost to morale after being prevented from dressing up as Garth Brooks and Dolly Parton for Hallowe’en:
“I’d not advocating going mad on the shrooms, just maybe a small bite in the morning and then another one before going out to shop. It’ll multiply productivity at work and also make people a bit looser with the wallet when we need it most. It’s worth a punt.”
Off licences have reacted angrily to Quinn’s request and have threatened to close on Christmas Day if ministers give mushrooms the green light.
Trump Demanding Recounts In Leisure Centres ‘Like Omagh’
Omagh’s Leisure Complex has become the centre of a dispute between American presidential candidate Donald Trump and authorities after he demanded that all votes are recounted like the way they do in Tyrone’s capital.
Trump, who once tried to build a golf course in Brackaville before being scared off by a resident goat, wants all the counters to wear blue tabards and for winners to shout ‘yeeeeooo’ or sing a hymn depending on their nature.
A White House spokesperson added:
“Yes Trump often sat up all night with popcorn and eating cabbage and spuds whilst glued to what’s going on in Omagh Leisure Centre or even in Magherafelt. He likes the transparency and speed of it all and even shouted ‘yeeeeeoo’ no matter who won.”
It is believed that Biden is opposed to the idea, citing the time six counters delayed the final outcome of a count in Omagh in 2012 by all going home, thinking they’d left the immersion heater on.
Meanwhile, Biden has promised that one of the first things he’ll do if elected is turn the mountains of Pomeroy into a World Heritage Site.
Omagh School Makes Non Mask Wearers Watch ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ In Detention
Mask-wearing by pupils in a comprehensive school in Omagh has almost reached 100% after non-maskers were forced to watch There’s No Place Like Tyrone after school for an hour every day last week.
St Feichin’s on the Gortin Road were worried that a relaxed approach to mask wearing would lead to an explosion of Covid-19 cases in the area and decided to act fast before it was too late.
Principal Lorcan McGlorgan explained:
“Yes it was a problem. However, one of our bright sparks on the senior management came up with the idea of threatening them with compulsory viewing of There’s No Place Like Tyrone whilst wearing a mask for an hour after school. We are now at 99.94% this week. One lad forgot his. We let him off with just 20 mins of the second series.”
Meanwhile, canteen staff in the school have been commended for their delivery of food to pupils in the school whilst maintaining health and safety measures.
Pupils can now eat hot dogs by bringing their own baps and holding them out as the canteen staff fire sausages from 10 feet away into the bap. Last week, 679 out of 711 of the sausages landed spot-on in the baps.
Tyrone Tribulations 