Category Archives: Tattyreagh
Tattyreagh Duet Make It To X-Factor Live Auditions Singing About Tattyreagh
How the Brannigans of Tattyreagh might look
Newlyweds Paul and Julia Brannigan have put Tattyreagh on the map after making it through to the TV stages of the X-Factor auditions singing a song they made up in the taxi on the way over to the show. Scribbled on the back of a packet of sweetie cigarettes, “Tattyreagh – You Don’t Have A Picture-house But You’re Deadly To Me’ wooed the judges so much that Simon Cowell is considering visiting the townland before the end of the month. Paul said it’s a dream come through:
“To be honest, we were going to sing “Islands In The Stream” by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. Then, with a few shots in us, we thought feck it and wrote a song there and then in the taxi about the homeland. We’ve since lost the piece of cardboard it was on but we managed to include stuff like the scrap metal yard, sheep farming and the bath-doctor. It was hard rhyming something with bath-doctor so we pretended there was a Costcutters and that was near enough. We sang it to the tune of Raglan Road, cupping our ears and all, but they didn’t seem to notice.”
All four judges sent them through with Louis Walsh saying that Tattyreagh is the new New Orleans and that they were his favourite. Gary Barlow criticised the lengthy song title but maintained the heart-breaking line “The Quiggery Waters won’t run through us/But we don’t kick up a fuss” won him over and praised the couple for looking so clean and upright for not having a river. Simon Cowell added:
“This will be up there with Africa by Toto or London’s Burning by The Clash. Tattyreagh seems so exotic. “We normally go to Darcy’s Coal merchants/And after to the HalfWay House for a lock of pints” might not be an exact rhyme but it’ll be on the tip of the tongue of every 15-year old next week. Dannii Minogue was crying and she wasn’t even judging. We WILL build a picture-house for these people”
The Brannigans say they’ll definitely sing Islands In The Stream in the TV auditions unless they “start on the shots again and make up a song about the road to Fintona and the bastard tractors that houl everyone up.”
Hairy Tyrone Women – The World’s Most Desirable In 2013
Tyrone woman at the Washingbay sports
The world famous Cosmopolitan magazine have announced plans to scour county Tyrone in preparation a four-page article they’re doing on the latest world craze of hairy women. Italian fashion guru Matteo Cambi, who has long championed the return of hairy women on the Mediterranean catwalks, last week announced that hairy women are now in style and are being sought after for perfume and négligée adverts as well as major film roles across the continent. The good news didn’t stop there for local women as Spielberg announced he will be seeking naturally hairy women for his next blockbuster as opposed to those women who have just recently decided to not shave as the former would be more comfortable in their own skin during key tense scenes. Sources say he will arrive in Derrylaughan this weekend.
Personal agent Terry McNeill revealed that Tyrone may now become a hotspot for the multi-millionaire playboys looking for celebrity girlfriends:
“This is class news altogether. We all know how Tyrone women were never afraid to strut their stuff au naturale. Now the naturally hairy women have been finally rewarded with much-deserved recognition. This is a big two fingers to Gillette and Wilkinson Sword Quattro and the Derry women who used them. We’re proud of our hairy women and now we’ll have some job holding on to them it seems.”
Spielberg has identified the type of girl he is after in great detail. Features such as naturally bushy eyebrows, slight upper lip shadow and a healthly hairy neck are high on his list. Visible hairy legs are a must, with those possessing hairs on the back of their hands the probable highest earners. Jackie Devlin from Tattyreagh says it is the best news she has heard in years:
“I always had a notion Colin Farrell needed a real woman, someone who’ll not be sharing his shaving gel or running down the battery on his dry shaver. Jaysus, I can’t wait til get stuck into boys like Clint Eastwood. I’ll make his day, every day.”
TYRONE NEWS IN BRIEF
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Kildress baker shop to close
‘Claire’s Wee Scone Shop’ in Kildress is set to close after only 10 months in business. “I’m gutted, but I’ve run out of money” said Claire Rafferty, owner of the baker shop on the Drum Road. “I’ve been flat-out 6 days a week making cheesecakes, sponges, flapjacks and fruit scones and they’ve all shot off the shelves, but I’ve barely made a penny of profit. I’ve no idea what’s went wrong”. Kelly McNulty, Rafferty’s 28-stone shop assistant, agreed that she was “also puzzled”.
Clogher man on hold suspects his call isn’t important after all
Cathal Sheeran of Clogher, is thinking of hanging up the phone after having spent three days on hold to his bank. “I’ve now been on hold since Tuesday. I’m now unsure whether my call really is important to them. But then again, why would they keep telling me it is if it’s not?” said a bewildered Sheeran. “I might as well wait a wee while longer. To be honest, I’m only calling to thank them for sending through the offer on travel insurance”.
Dungannon Square to be re-named
Under new EU rules, Dungannon Square is to be re-classified as ‘Dungannon Trapezoid Rhombus’. Dungannon Councillor and part-time nutter Liam O’Donoghue said, “Well, it’s not an exact square is it? Not a right angle to be seen. Go on, measure it. We’d be a laughing stock if Brussels found out we’re calling it a Square. They’d think we’re all culchies. It’s not going to happen on my watch”. Residents in the Pomeroy Diamond are reported as being nervous.
340 lb Cabragh man didn’t go to doctor to get told to ‘lose some beef big man’.
32-stone Cabragh man Sidney Clarke was reported as being furious last night after having been told he was ‘like the side of a house’ by his local doctor. “I was expecting to get some dietary advice and a few exercise pamphlets all of which I could ignore, just like last time” said Clarke. “Instead, he told me in a very direct and uncompromising manner that I had to lose weight”. Dr Kevin McElhatton said afterwards, “Jaysus. The yoke looks like something out of ‘Lord of the Rings’. All that’s missing is the spear”. Clarke however was livid. “This is a personal affront to my dignity”, he said, before waddling off and stopping to wheeze against the side of a lamp post a few yards up the road.
Tattyreagh author publishes book
In an effort to capitalise on the recent success of the best-selling book ’50 Shades of Grey’, Tattyreagh’s very own Sarah Hagan today publishes her debut novel ‘7 Shades of Shite’. On sale in Costcutter’s, it is an autobiographical tale of Hagan’s own coming to terms with her errant and frequently-drunk husband Seamus, and how she experimented with the erotic and sado-masochistic side of their physical relationship by ‘battering lumps out of him with her ironing board’.
Fintona Plans To Invade Tattyreagh “Not An April Fools’ Joke”
Tattyreagh Resistance Army
By Gombeen
Rumours of a mass invasion involving brute force and clever propaganda have been confirmed following the leakage of a sensitive document from the offices of the Fintona War Committee last night. Tattyreagh natives have been called ‘paranoid’ and ‘mental’ in recent weeks after their pleas to the Tyrone County Conflict Resolution Board (TCCRB) regarding fears for their safety fell on deaf ears. The 10-point plan document now pushes their worst nightmares closer to reality with the TCCRB admitting it might be too late to do anything about it. Tattyreagh joiner, Leo McCabe, reckons it’s only a matter of time now:
“We knew this day would come. Those feckers in Fintona never wanted us. They see Omagh as some kind of Mecca and hate the fact that we’re closer. For years they’ve been driving through here in their big SUVs throwing their household rubbish out the windows trying to get us to move the hell out. Well, now we’ve a school, a pub and Darcy Park which is right up there with the best grounds in Ireland. We’re ready for them. We’ve mobilised a group of about 20 or so at the Halfway House and we’ll resist them with cudgels and spears.”
The 10-point plan included the following ideas:
- mass invasion from all sides – the Leftern Road East and West as well as the Tattyreagh Road North and South.
- Casually walking into houses and pretending to read the meter. Plant bugs and gather intelligence of daily habits.
- Take advantage of loose immigration laws in the area and dress up as Indians or Cowboys.
- Brainwash them into thinking Tattyreagh is actually greater Fintona and they’ll be better off. Show them gold necklaces.
- Just change the map and paint over the townland.
- Buy Tattyreagh.
- Cut off their supply of illegal brew and red diesel. Inform PSNI of rogue fuel merchants in the area.
- Ride in on horseback and lift all the women over 18 to curtail breeding.
- Poison.
- Nuclear option.
Fintona Lord Mayor Percy McKinless was unable to be contacted today but sources say they think it’s definitely not an April Fools’ prank.
Greedy Dromore Father Fools Children On Mother’s Day
Artist’s impression of fight
A devious Dromore daddy, who conned his children into thinking he was their mother this morning whilst the mother herself was out tending to the cattle, was this afternoon hanging his head in shame around the back of the house. Barney McCarron, who recently celebrated his birthday as well, put on his wife’s nightgown and hair rollers whilst she toiled outside doing the early shift dunging out the yard from 5am. The eldest child, Cathair (9), was the first to fall for it:
“Jaysus he’s some bollocks. I saw the hair rollers above the duvet just and didn’t want to wake ‘mummy’ on her special day so I just left the Ferrero Rocher and scratch cards beside the bed. About twenty minutes later I brought my younger sister in who had prepared her a breakfast and ‘she’ was still asleep but I saw that the chocolates had been eaten and the cards scratched. We left the breakfast beside her again and left.”
The scam was uncovered when the actual mother, Kitty McCarron, returned to the house in clabber to the throat. Having established what had just happened, all three pounded up the stairs and caught Barney finishing off the black pudding, still with the rollers in.
“Well, you could have heard the slap in Tattyreagh. My mother kicked the dung clean out of him for the guts of an hour, calling him things I’d never even heard before. He’s out the back at the minute sulking with her nightie still on. I can’t see things thawing in this house until he does something big to compensate. He tried to compliment her on how tidy the yard looked but that just made it worse. She was a fearsome sight with the eyes bulging and her covered in manure from top to toe. Some handlin.”
Neighbours have rallied around and brought Kitty some buns whilst shouting obscenities at Barney on the way out.
First Reported Case Of Facebook In Loughmacrory Confirmed
Zuckerberg cracks Loughmacrory
Mild panic was said to be enveloping Loughmacrory this morning as the clergy confirmed that one parishioner admitted he’d opened a Facebook account just within the last month. Up until now the ‘Lough and Tattyreagh were the only townlands in Tyrone not to succumb to the social networking phenomenon yet it looks like Tattyreagh will hold that honour alone today. The identity of the user will remain anonymous for now but Fr O’Brien sounded a stark warning to the locals:
“I’ve called a special prayer meeting tonight to offer up to Himself a request for guidance and reassurance after the news I was told at confessions yesterday. I nearly put my fist right through the confessional mesh when he told me. OK, fair enough about coming clean and all but we’d put some effort into preaching against Zuckerberg and his evil business. I was convinced we’d frightened the entire Loughmacrory community into shunning the networking site with predictions of blazing fires in hell and eternal hard labour. That’s that bucked now. It’s only a matter of time before everyone is writing on each others’ walls and a whole poking session begins. The natural conclusion is a real heathen attitude that you’d see in Eskra or Cranagh with public fornication, tax obedience, racial violence, picking on gingers, cows unmilked, unwaxed women and so on the norm around these parts. This is a disastrous development. I could choke young Dorman. This is just the beginning. There’ll be all kinds of weirdoes and perverts calling here now.”
When asked about the publicising of individual confessions, Fr O’Brien just laughed and said something about them not having anything to talk about in the parish house if they kept that stuff quiet. Meanwhile, Zuckerberg is said to be ‘ecstatic beyond belief’ at having cracked the Loughmacrory market. They aim to annex Tattyreagh by the end of the year using strong-arm tactics.
Sean The Red Boy Wants Nicknames Banned. Soupy Agrees.
Sean The Red Boy yesterday
One of Tattyreagh’s most colourful characters, Sean The Red Boy, has called on people in the parish to use his proper name when he eventually finds out what it is. In a move to improve their chances of getting a good job in politics or civil service, others have followed suit including Gerard Soupy Campbell, Seamus The Yellow Fellow, Tom’s Damien and Ramblin Henry. In a statement to be read out at Mass on Sunday in six neighbouring parishes as well as their own, forty-nine signatories have ratified the move for formal recognition of the birth names and the eradication of tradition family nicknames. Sean The Red Boy explains further:
“I’m buckin sick and tired of it y’know. There are times I go into the job office and I don’t get past the introduction stage. As soon as I say I’m Sean The Red Boy, they thank me for turning up and that they’ll be in touch. My father, Hugh The Red Boy, had the same problem in Tattyreagh and never worked a day in his life because of it apart from the odd bit of help he gave to farmers with horses stuck in ditches. As soon as I find out what my real surname is I’ll be using it. I checked the census and even in 1911 my great grandfather wrote ‘X the Red Boy’. He was aware of his nickname but not his first nor surname. It has to stop. All them Soupy Campbells are the same. Gerard Soupy says he got serious slagging in school with lads filling his schoolbag with lentils and leeks. It stops now.”
Tattyreagh Historical Society Chairman, John ‘The Baker’ King, rebuked this initiative and claimed it’ll take more than a few whiners to changes the ways of the area that they’ve held dear for generations.
“Sean The Red Boy would need to wise the head. He’ll always be one of the Red Boys in the same way as Francie The Cock up the road will remain one of the Cocks. And sure hasn’t he a great job picking blackberries for Mrs Turner from Omagh in the summer. You can succeed with a nickname. Look at me. I’m chairman of this committee, doing The Bakers proud. OK, I do nothing else but I’m not moaning about it.”
Meanwhile, Seamus The Yellow Fellow has threatened blow the head clean off anyone who calls him or his sons one of The Yellow Fellows from now on, or even if he hears about it. The PSNI have appealed for calm.
Tattyreagh Wife Superglues Husband’s Hand to Testicles
Dorris, last week.
Doctors at Omagh Hospital were hopeful that Tattyreagh plumber Kenny Dorris will make a full recovery after a domestic spat left the 45 year old needing emergency surgery. Details are still sketchy although all sources confirmed that Mary Dorris exacted revenge on her husband after one flirtatious incident too many. Kenny’s brother Harry was quick to fill in the gaps to our regional reporter:
“Ach our Kenny’s a wile one for the wemen. The same boy would chat up a group of nuns if he was in the form for it. I know Mary had been pissed off with the way he was winking at the blades whilst giving out communion. There’d also been rumours of him plumbing at houses that didn’t need any plumbing. I know surely what kind of plumbing he was at, the dirty bastard.”
As far as we can tell, after one wink too many, Mary waited until Kenny fell asleep last night after he had consumed his nightly quota of eight bottles of stout and a couple of Powers chasers. She seemingly poured superglue over his left hand and placed the same limb over his own privates. Neighbour Jenna Carpenter heard the screams:
“I never heard yelping like it. Being semi-detached ye’d hear them two rowing into the night. This was different. I think poor Kenny got up to go to the toilet at about 8am only to find out that his hand was attached to his balls. Ye shoulda heard the language. It was ‘stupid feckin crazy hoor of a cow’ this and ‘I’ll buckin haunt ye ye bitch’ that. The language was rough now. She was giving as good as she got, calling him all the tramps of the day. Ach to be honest I felt sorry for Big Kenny. He’d always been good to me. Any time I’d need any plumbing he’d be around in a shot. Handsome man too.’
Doctors confirmed they had received a patient with his hand attached to his testicles but reckoned they could separate the two easily enough. They did admit, though, that if the surgery was unsuccessful he’d have to get used to standing like that around Tattyreagh.
What’s On In Tyrone: Oct 27-28
GLENELLY. Former captain Joseph McCullagh becomes the first man to leave Glenelly for pastures new. There will be a going-away do in the community hall with music supplied by the Plumbridge Brass Band and Joseph’s uncle, Mattie McCullagh, who’s singing songs from the musicals. Festivities start 8pm tomorrow. Come along and see Joseph off in style before his long trek to Bundoran.
MOY. 13th Annual Camel Wrestling Event. A little known fact is that the only two camels in Ireland kept as pets both live in the Moy. This remarkable coincidence has lent itself to a yearly wrestling competition held between both even-toed ungulates. With 6 wins apiece this year’s fight promises to be a real humdinger. Ice cream made from camel milk will be provided for children. First bell rings at 7pm tonight.
TATTYREAGH. Annual bath for brides and grooms-to-be. Come along and witness the bathing of soon-to-be newlyweds in the Ballynahatty Water. Tradition in Tattyreagh dictates that all weddings in the area take place in November. At the end of October, all couples intending to tie the knot that year bathe in the freezing waters as relatives gather and clap. No showers are to take place between then and the wedding. That’s why the women hold flowers, to disguise the odour. First dipping at 11am Sunday.
STEWARTSTOWN. 100th Gurning Competition. Famous for its natural gurners, this year’s Stewartstown gala promises to be special as the centenary gurning weekend gets underway today outside the bank at 2pm. With competitions for all age groups and genders as usual, organisers have opened to competition to pets and livestock. Dan McCann is aiming for the ‘Most Miserable Bollocks’ title for the 5th consecutive year.
Dan McCann. Most Miserable Bollocks 2007-2011
Tattyreagh Woman Wins ‘A Lock Of Euros’ In Irish Lotto
The former Miss Tattyreagh 1981, Janice McCabe, was today celebrating her stroke of luck after winning some money in the Irish Lotto. Champagne corks were heard all over the townland last night when the news spread of McCabe’s good fortune, coming soon after her uncle Dan won £20 in a scratch card whilst on holidays in Bundoran.
“I nearly didn’t do the lotto this week. My husband told be he’d run out of cigarette paper so I shot down and noticed there was still a couple of minutes before the lotto cut off time. I ordered a lucky dip, a Yorkie and a packet of Rizla. I couldn’t believe my luck that night when I checked the numbers. This couldn’t have come at a better time.”
Celebrations went long into the night
The McCabes had been experiencing a torrid time recently with the news that a few loose tiles had been noticed outside the shower door hinting at a bit of damp. Her husband Leon had also been suffering from a heavy cold recently and was “a bit of a bear” according to the former beauty queen.
“We need to sit down and decide what to do with the money. There are so many things I need doing here in the house and it looks like thon miserable bollocks isn’t getting up off his hole. Thank the Lord for those three numbers and the bonus. He works in mysterious ways. At last Tattyreagh is on the map”
When this reporter pointed out that she’d only be picking up €27, McCabe initially refused to believe it before launching into an expletive tirade on the Irish government calling them “an fcukin shower of thieving hoors” and “crooks”. She is also refusing to pay the bar bill from last night’s premature celebrations in The Middle House.
Tyrone Tribulations 