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Tyrone GAA Offer Cookstown To Dublin In Exchange For 2 Points This Sunday
It has emerged that Dublin GAA have convened an emergency meeting tonight with Dessie Farrell to discuss the offer of annexing Cookstown for 100 years in exchange for 2 NFL points this Sunday.
Current debating issues surround the promise of multiple Floozies in Jacuzzis in Cookstown, and something to resemble the big spike in the middle of Dublin. Although there currently isn’t a big spike in the town at the moment, a farmer from nearby Tullyhogue has indicated he can build a 200-foot pole made from recycled tins and stuff.
Dublin officials are seemingly won over by the fact that Cookstown plays in blue, possesses a swagger, and in Owen Mulligan has a son who looks like someone who could have played for Dublin.
Although Tyrone are not guaranteed to stay up with two points, losing Cookstown is a gamble they’re prepared to take according to an insider:
“Let’s be honest. Cookstown is a sort of city anyway, what with all the discos and markets. And loads of the young lads walk around with bleached hair and their collars up. It’s a no-brainer.”
A sticking point appears to be Mugsy’s goal in 2005 which the Dubs want revoked.
Irish Government To Raise Taxes After Dublin’s Elimination From Championship
The Irish nation has turned its anger towards Galway and Galwegians, as well as referee Sean Hurson, after it emerged a wave of tax rises is to come into effect next week, to counter the loss of revenue from not having Dublin supporters at the latter stages of the championship, as well as to raise money for training funds to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
In what was described as an apocalyptical nightmare for the Irish Finance Division, the banking system went into meltdown as soon as Galbally’s Sean Hurson blew the final whistle on Saturday evening. Early estimates suggest that Dublin’s exit might cost the tax-payer an extra €6 a day over the next 12 months.
We got some early reactions from those affected:
“Why didn’t that bollocks Hurson not allow another minute? I know why, he’s up north and won’t be affected by the fallout. I was already stung this morning. I got a sausage roll that cost me €3. Last week it was €2.79.” PETER FROM KILDARE
“They should just tax the hell outta the Galway ones; they caused this with their assertive brand of football. The Dublin government will bleed us dry now, to pump more money into the Dublin training fund.” MARY FROM MAYO
The Dublin squad met for a debrief on Sunday morning at a swimming pool in Drumcondra. Locals said they heard a lot of shouting by men in suits and several players as well as manager Dessie Farrell left the pool crying.
Johnson Attended Behind-Closed-Doors 2020 All Ireland Final. Thought It Was Business Meeting.
A photo has emerged showing the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson attending the 2020 All Ireland Final between Mayo and Dublin which was played before zero spectators due to restrictions at the time.
Johnson, who admitted to modeling his look on a 1984 picture of Plunkett Donaghy he saw in his aunt’s house in Eglish, watched the entire game last December before heading to Coppers nightclub, which was also officially closed at the time, to get wasted on Bulmers.
A Croke Park steward, who wished not to be named, explained how Johnson didn’t really pay attention after Con O’Callaghan’s goal in the 23rd minute of the final. Brendan Joyce added:
“Yeah, he wasn’t really paying attention and just kept playing Candy Crush and stuff on his phone, raising his head now and again to shout ‘hurrah’. I think he just likes breaking rules, like.”
Johnson was kicked out of Coppers at 3am after a brawl despite being the only punter in the place.
A Downing Street spokesperson defended the British PM:
“What? The All Ireland Final? He thought it was some kind of Anglo-Irish meeting about Brexit. This is news to him.”
Johnson was unavailable for comment.
Mickey Harte’s New Photography Hobby Not Linked To Secret Dublin Training Pics Say Louth GAA
Louth GAA were quick to throw cold water on the rumours that Leinster rivals Dublin were caught training by the fresh photography skills of new manager Mickey Harte.
Harte, who took up the reins of managing the Wee County at the end of last year, managed to fill free time in recent months by taking up photography and was spotted around pitches frequented by Dublin squads in the past, albeit trying to snap pictures of curlews and other birds that reminded him of home.
However, rumours that he took photos of Fenton and Cooper training are way off the mark according to Louth committee member Gerard Sludden:
“I know for a fact that Mickey did not take them photos. He uses one of them instant camera things and wouldn’t have the zoom capacity clearly used in the leaked photos. Listen, if we beat Dublin this year because their players have been jailed over this it’s their fault. And Louth are rising anyway.”
Harte will begin his tenure in charge of Louth in Division 4 which also sees one of his 00s players Enda McGinley in opposition in charge of Antrim. Rumours that Harte was seen near Casement Park taking photos of murals has been brought to McGinley’s attention.
GAA To Work On Dublin Vaccine
By Clamped Candy.
PRESS RELEASE:
Top GAA experts are working on a vaccine to stop a worrying new strain of the Dublin virus. This seasonal plague, which takes many victims every year, has arrived later than normal with some notable new mutations, making it stronger and more adaptable.
It was hoped that contact with earlier forms of the phenomenon might provide some natural defence. But antibodies detected in Kerry and Donegal some years ago have long since dissipated. Symptoms of the new strain vary but often begin with a sudden shock to the system, followed by an apparent slow recovery, only to go down hill again as the remorseless nature of the variant sets in.
Social distancing does not appear to work. In fact it only seems to make its effects worse. Testing is in the early stages but initial reports suggest vaccine will not provide immunity though it may mitigate the results. The process apparently involves splitting the virus into several constituent parts.
If approved, the vaccine will be rolled out to the most vulnerable first which means all of Leinster will be the first to receive it. But some people believe the virus’s strength is being exaggerated, recalling an equally virulent version in the late ’70s and early ’80s which arrived from Kerry and disappeared of its own accord around 1987.
They claim that the panic is worse than the disease. And that it’s being spread by anti ‘Jacksers’. Pundits will also receive inoculation, with Colm O’Rourke and Pat Spillane on the list, dependent on who is the biggest dose. Sorry, dependent on who needs the biggest dose.
Tyrone/Dublin Fight In Tunnel Was Over Immersion Heater
Sources from within the Dublin camp have confirmed that the half time brawl between themselves and Tyrone was down to Tyrone turning off the immersion heater during the first half, leaving cold Dublin players without their half time shower.
The immersion switch, which is located at the end of the tunnel, was turned on by the Dublin management just before throw-in, in preparation for their half time warming session which is the norm at Croke Park.
It emerged that the switch was mischievously turned off by a Tyrone backroom member during an important play on the field. Dublin masseuse Brenda Pollan explained:
“Big Fenton went mad. He loves his warm showers and as soon as he saw the light was off he started swinging. I’ve never seen him so animated. They even wash their balls and all. Think the Tyrone boys didn’t know what the fight was about but threw digs anyway. Dark arts are still alive in Tyrone.”
Tyrone GAA have yet to respond but are known to be very careful about the immersion being on and prefer players to defrost by jumping up and down doing star jumps, as well as the heads, shoulder, knees and toes children’s dance.
Harte and Devlin To Wear Disguises Against Dublin
Tyrone Medical Man
As well as making 15 changes to the starting team, it has been revealed that the Tyrone management team will try to confuse their opponents even further by wearing false moustaches, fake glasses and wigs
According to inside sources, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin was spotted walking around Ardboe with a pencilled moustache and NHS glasses at night time in order to get used to the experience. Meanwhile, manager Mickey Harte’s postman maintains he delivered over 30 different wigs since last week to Ballygawley, mostly ordered from Amazon.
It has also been suggested that some first team players refused to play in Harte’s wigs and were subsequently dropped. Cathal McShane was reportedly extremely vocal about refusing to wear an Elvis Presley hair and chest piece combo.
A squad player added:
“I just hope we recognise Mickey on Sunday. Apparently he’s dressing as Dolly Parton in order to completely bamboozle his opposite number, Jim Gavin. I hope it works to be honest.”
Meanwhile, Omagh groundspeople have promised to put sausages in the hot dogs this year after last year’s debacle.
Shane Lowry and Tyrone GAA Team Up To Defeat The Dubs
Offaly golfing man Shane Lowry and the Tyrone GAA management team have reportedly been working closely together up at the centre of excellence in Garvaghey since last Tuesday, trying to find a way to defeat the 5-in-a-row chasing Dublin football team by kicking a lot straighter.
Last year, Harte was accused of reducing the width of the field in Omagh in order to gain an advantage as the Dublin players are physically much wider than the Tyrone ones due to their expensive diets. This year, insiders have claimed that the Omagh St Enda’s groundsmen have already begun digging bunkers at strategic positions on the pitch under Lowry’s guidance as well as a water feature around midfield.
Additionally, Lowry has been helping out with Niall Morgan’s kicking technique, with the Edendork man reportedly now adept at kicking off a golf tee to a range of distances by elevating his foot at the same angle of the appropriate golf club in question. Morgan has also taken to wearing one leather glove, with the other one hanging out of his pack pocket for kickouts.
It is also reported that Club Tyrone have asked Lowry for some of his £1.5m to help with the mission to defeat the Dubs, a cause close to Leinster man Lowry’s heart. One plan is to twist all the signs for Omagh so that they are pointing towards Letterkenny on Sunday morning.
Meanwhile, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin is to trial using a golf buggy on the sideline in order to issue instructions to defenders and then to attackers in a very short space of time by driving at full speed.
Sam Maguire To Be Refused Entry If Hard Border Enacted
A Brussels official has confirmed in a leaked document that if any of Antrim, Armagh, Derry, Down, Fermanagh or Tyrone are to lift the All Ireland title in the near future, under a hard border the Sam Maguire Cup will have to be left with border officials on the way up home until the next time the team crosses back over heading down to Dublin.
Contingency plans have already been put in place if this unlikely scenario occurs, with a replica Sam Maguire to be picked up in a shop outside Newry, made out of tin foil but spray-painted to look shiny from a distance.
A world border expert from Berlin, Hans Gertruff, has already advised all of the aforementioned six counties to say nothing to their supporters in case it takes away from the homecoming celebration.
“In the highly unlikely event of this happening, I have also advised those counties to refrain from drinking out of the replica Sam Maguire as it will probably start leaking never mind the horrible tin foil taste. They should also come up with excuses as to why they forgot the trophy when they visit primary schools and all.”
When asked about other possible suggestions as to how the six counties could get around the Sam Maguire hard border scenario, a Dublin GAA official broke into a hearty laugh which lasted over five minutes before he needed his inhaler, finally adding ‘you needn’t worry’.
10 Reasons Why We’ll Beat Dublin
Mickey has never lost an All-Ireland Senior Final. He has never lost a Champions’ League, World Snooker or Wimbledon Women’s final either.
Ross Kemp. Kemp is Tyrone’s worst kept secret, this week blatantly seen running from the Ballygawley roundabout to Garvaghey 4 times a day all week. Kemp to patrol the square, allowing Colm to work his magic feet at the right end of the field. Ross is also a big fan of Aidan McCrory and was reportedly star-struck when McCrory introduced himself by bench-pressing for an hour without blinking.
Niall Morgan’s free taking. Now hold on. Before you start being all smarmy and critical about Niall’s free taking percentage converted this year, if he is up there on the Dublin 45 taking a free, that means the Edendork man isn’t back there staring at Kevin McMenamin thundering towards him or facing down a penalty kick, so: Go Niall Go! Morgan also won the snowball at the Edendork Hall bingo last week and bought massive gloves with the takings.
Hugh O’Neill predicted this in 1598. Yes 420 years ago, on a wall in the toilets of a drinking establisment in Dungannon, an 48-year-old Hugh wrote ‘Empires will fall with Skeet on the ball’. It was in very bad English though as he was plastered on mead.
We’re not Mayo
Ulster already said No to 3 in a row. Yes, back in 2008, Ulster said no to Kerry’s 3-in-a-row bid. You may remember the big banner on hill 16, from some of our legendary fans. Although the Dubs are going for 4, our stats man tells us it’s just one more than 3. Now we take it a step further, preparing to ruin the takings at the door at Coppers, and help Sally’s of Omagh, Gervin’s in Coalisland, and Tomney’s in the Moy rake in the ca$h instead.
60% of cars in Tyrone are red and 94% of white lines in Tyrone are white. What better to prove a point than good old hard statistics. Yes, over 60% of all vehicles in the Red Hand County are red (this figure estimated to rise to 70% this week) and almost all the white lines in Tyrone are white, except for the ones that have faded so much they are now invisible.
Mickey slipped the Pope a £10er on Sunday. If you re-watch the Phoenix Park mass from Sunday, and pause it at 36:05, you’ll see the wee red and white Tyrone Fabrications cap, and two crisp new £5 notes getting slipped to a winking Pope Franko. Francis also apparently has big hopes of Tiernan McCann entering the priesthood.
Colm Cavanagh is now the last on-field link to 08. Given Cathal McCarron is not able to play this Sunday, Big Colly is now the final playing link to the winning team of 2008. He is also Tyrone’s last scorer in an All Ireland final although nearly everyone missed it. He also has a brother who reportedly played well that day. And Cavanagh sounds like Canavan. Too coincidental. By the way Cavanagh got his nickname ‘Colly’ from his love of cauliflower dinners in Moy Primary School since he was 7.
There are two Coalisland men on the starting team. Even Nostradamus said this was a long-shot.
RTE To Use Stunt Doubles And Ex-Players For Banquet If Tyrone Victorious
Jordan as Peter Harte
Secret footage has emerged from RTE headquarters in Dublin indicating that the national broadcaster will use lookalikes for the banquet dinner should Tyrone pull off the almost impossible and stop Dublin from winning four-in-a-row.
The dry-run, which saw Sean Cavanagh imitating his brother and Philip Jordan donning a red wig to mirror Petey Harte on the night, will allow RTE to keep to the tradition of Michael Lyster interviewing half-lit players around 10pm.
An RTE insider admitted that some of the lookalikes stretch the imagination a bit:
“We sorta ran out of volunteers so Ciaran Whelan is pretending to be Mark Bradley by walking on his knees just. Colm O’Rourke will use his advanced years to imitate the ageing veteran Cathal McCarron and Pat Spillane has agreed to copy Conall McCann by wearing a beehive. “
RTE’s initial idea of filming the banquet through a window of the hotel was shelved after a cameraman suggested that the Tyrone ones might just pull the curtains together.
Meanwhile questions have been raised as to why Sunday’s referee has already booked his seat at the Dublin banquet. When asked, a spokesman for the Refereeing Committee laughed and said ‘come on now, do we have to explain that?’
Dublin Foiled In Attempt To Widen Pitch Out Onto Jones’ Road
Jim Gavin was allegedly witnessed ‘running around the corner’ after GAA officials foiled an attempt by the Dublin management to get the Croke Park field widened out onto Jones’ Road in an apparent ruse to outfox Tyrone.
After Tyrone reportedly shortened the field in the last game between the two in Omagh last month, Gavin and Jason Sherlock were witnessed directing and shouting at a groundsman to paint a line right up the middle of Jones’ Road, almost on the doorstep of The Croke Park Hotel, shortly after midnight last night whilst wearing blue mining hats with strong torches on them.
The ambitious tactic, which would have also meant the moving of the Hogan stand back 200 yards using strong diggers, would have resulted in the width of the Croke Park pitch being almost trebled, allowing players such as Kilkenny and Fenton to stretch Tyrone like no team has ever been able to manage before.
A Dublin GAA spokesman denied the ploy was thwarted by a GAA official:
“That’s hypothetical nonsense. Gavin and Sherlock were just making sure the groundsman could paint in the straight line whilst tired, such is their dedication to every detail. The diggers were also just there by pure accident.”
Tyrone and Dublin officials will attend this week’s visit to Croke Park by the Pope, in plain clothes, to make sure no other skulduggery occurs to the ground under the nose of the Pontiff.
Dublin Deny 4-In-A-Row T-Shirts Have Already Been Printed Despite Sightings In Niteclub
A fringe Dublin player has apparently been axed from the panel after he was seen dancing wildly to an 80s song in a well-known drinking establishment, wearing an official “4-in-a-row, even more dough” t-shirt soon after Dublin’s final opponents were revealed.
The player, who admitted he got dressed too excitedly after the Monaghan/Tyrone semi-final in order to get to the niteclub before anyone else, has also been told to hand back his car and personalised dinner plates within seven days.
Clubber and Dublin player groupie Martha McCrystal revealed she was a bit surprised to see the t-shirt out so early:
I was bopping away and then spotted the player dancing clean mad to a Michael Jackson remix song and him wearing the 4-in-a-row garb. He even was kicking mock points and goals during his dance routine and shouting something about ‘strive for five’ whilst winking, suggesting he’s thinking about next year already, the craytur.
Dublin GAA have refused to comment on the incident although one member told us off the record that there is an embargo on the t-shirts until the final whistle on September 2nd which must be strictly adhered to.
Meanwhile a hypnotist, who was brought into the Tyrone training session yesterday in order to convince them that Dublin were not that great, was seen leaving the complex five minutes after arriving. Sources revealed he mistakenly convinced Gavin Devlin into thinking he was the actual manager, resulting in Devlin phoning club-mate Kyle Coney and making him captain for the final.
‘Wee Fairies’ May Have Told Omagh Officials To Narrow Pitch. Ref Also A Suspect.
After denials from Sky TV and Mickey Harte from having any influence over the narrowing of Healy Park for the clash between Dublin and Tyrone on Saturday night, the spotlight has now been shone on ‘wee fairies from the Plumbridge direction’ as well as the referee David Coldrick.
Omagh groundsman Patrick Hanlan revealed he received a visitor to his door on Friday night around midnight but couldn’t make it out because of the darkness as well as the visitor wearing a cloak:
“All the person said was ‘Ye may narrow that pitch’. I thought it was a sort of a threat but hadn’t a clue who it was. It could have been Harte, a Sky rep or even the referee Coldrick but the more I think about it, they had a Plumbridge accent and looked very small under the cloak. It may have been a fairy from the Plum or Cranagh direction.”
Referee David Coldrick has also come under suspicion as it has been explained that a narrower pitch leaves it easier to keep up with the play, though he may have underestimated the distance he’d need to take it in by.
Meanwhile, rumours emanating from Ballybofey suggest that Donegal officials have set about narrowing the Tyrone changing rooms, making it awkward for players to get changed with dignity.
Tyrone Officials To Pump Carter’s ‘Wagon Wheel’ Non-Stop Into Dublin Changing Rooms
As part of the Healy Park ‘Welcome To Hell‘ initiative, it has emerged that Tyrone GAA technicians have wired the away changing rooms in Omagh, which will be used by Dublin on Saturday, so that they hear Nathan Carter wall-to-wall at full volume before the game and at half time.
The Welcome To Hell programme of events will also see computer-generated images of a smiling Ryan McMenamin and snarling Conor Gormley appearing on the nets behind the goalposts during scorable free kicks for the Dublin side.
Red Hand official Gerry North admitted that every possible option to disrupt the Dubs is on the table this weekend, including roadblocks on the way and giving out the words of disparaging songs about Molly Malone to the Tyrone followers on the day.
“I know for a fact that the Dublin team hate country music and are more into their modern stuff on earphones. Well, earphones will be no use to them when Wagon Wheel is pumped out at maximum volume into their changing rooms from 2 hours before the game. We might change it to Blanket on the Ground at half time, we’ll see.”
The Welcome To Hell itinerary is also purported to include a fly-over small plane with the words ‘Hugo Says No To 4-In-A-Row‘ on a banner behind it, though Duncan’s fee is said to require selling off part of the Garvaghey Complex.
GAA To Ask All Counties For £10m Each To Halt Dublin 2-Game Winless Run
Croke Park officials have been dispatched to 31 counties as well as London and New York to kick-start a £300m fund drive to stop the current rut the Dublin senior football team find themselves in after drawing with Galway and losing by a point to Monaghan.
The money will be used to pay for more coaches as well as getting better cars and superior food for the current senior squad so they train harder. Already plans are in place to use some of the money to buy new Japanese ‘warm balls’ for training that heat up when kicked accurately between the posts, a further incentive for the All Ireland champions.
Tyrone deputy vice treasurer Linda Kelly admitted it might be hard to gather the money for this worthwhile cause:
“Although there is nothing that gives us more pleasure that throwing millions at Dublin, things are tight at the minute. We might have to sell off bits of Garvaghey and get Sean Cavanagh to pretend he’s still a player and do more talks and presentations for a small fee. But we’ll get the money. It’s too important.”
Meanwhile, the Dublin County Board have appealed for calm after the defeat to Monaghan. The Molly Malone statue was pelted with eggs and cocaine and shots were fired at The Spire of Dublin last night as thousands of Dublin fans threatened to ‘head back to the soccer’ if the current slide continues.
Jim Gavin was unavailable for comment.
Tyrone Struggling To Meet Dublin GAA Dressing Room Demands For Saturday
Tyrone county officials have admitted to being stretched this week after scrambling to prepare the Healy Park away dressing room to meet the demands of multiple All-Ireland champions and multi-millionaires Dublin.
The Boys in Blue, who thrashed Tyrone last August in between holidays to Dubai and Kinsale, arrive by private jet in Omagh on Saturday night for the second round of fixtures in the National League.
A leaked A4 sheet of paper revealed the extent of the Dublin management’s expectations when visiting county grounds:
– Heated benches
– Unlimited supply of unfiltered Dublin water
– personalised hangers with each player’s initials on them
– newspapers from across the world including the Financial Times
– grapes
– soothing classical music and strictly no country music
– No member of the public within a 400 year radius
– Framed picture of Bertie Ahern
– 73 degree fahrenheit exactly
– a ping-pong table
– a large urn containing noodles and jellied eel
– two smartly dressed hostesses from Omagh
– a temporary runway for landing and taking off
A Tyrone GAA sources added:
“We’ve been able to meet most of the demands but a few towards the end are proving problematic. We need to get this right or Dublin could throw us out of the Association altogether.”
If all else fails, the Gortin Road will be cordoned off as a temporary landing strip for the Jackeen players.
Dub Pagan Weather God Worshippers Arrested As Tyrone GAA Pitches Wiped Out During Storms
Tyrone, an hour ago
A spate of arrests were carried out this evening in Dublin after a heavy storm obliterated many GAA grounds in Tyrone on Tuesday night. Barra Best and Frank Mitchell have also been questioned on suspicion of colluding with pagans in the capital.
In what has been labelled a carefully executed blitz on key targets akin to something witnessed during WWII, over 55 grounds were wiped out with only Garvaghey untouched due to the careful planning and foresight by Club Tyrone officials a few years ago.
Sources in and around Dublin claim that spiritualists called upon the pre-Christian figure of Echaid to resurrect his enormous fictional horse, whose urine was so powerful and thunderous back then that it created Lough Neagh when going to the toilet one night.
Taddy Pally added:
“Echaid’s ‘pissy horse’ seems to have created havoc last night in the county, in what they christened Storm Hill 16. But I do think Barra Best and Frank Mitchell, no lovers of Tyrone, are up to their necks in this too. Them boys know how to manipulate fronts and stuff. Gavin paid them probably as well.”
Club Tyrone officials were reportedly feeling vindicated after the much-maligned geographical position of Garvaghy, on a mountain, avoided the floods due to its extreme altitude.
Meanwhile, Healy Park officials have said they’ve never seen their pitch looking so well.
Idea For New GAA Programme Spoiled By Southern Bias
Correct decision?
By Landan Seamy
Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects that the anti northern bias in the GAA is even more entrenched than he had previously suspected.
“I heard that RTE is looking for ideas for new programmes to air during the championship season this year so as work in my line tends to be quite slack during Lent when people go off the beer I came up with an idea and decided to research it.
“My idea was to do a programme a bit like the part of Question of Sport when they ask what happens next. I recorded some matches and then looked out for fouls. I would pause the play as soon as I spotted one with the intention of asking “What will the referee do next?”
“When I spotted a Dublin, Kerry or Mayo hallion infringing the rules of our national sport I would pause the video with the intention of jotting down which of the four options the referee would go for:
(a) free with no card
(b) yellow card
(c) black card
(d) red card.
“To my dismay, however, half the time the cynical southern ref would just ignore it and that wasn’t even one of the options. This totally spoiled my idea but having 5 options on the screen would look too messy.
“I also noticed that any time a northern player accidentally infringed the rules there would be a certain black card so again that doesn’t help my programme for it became too easy to predict. The programme would end up going like this:
“Sean Cavanagh accidentally touches some Free Stater. What will the referee do next?”
“Issue a black card”
“Correct”.
“Some people may think I’m biased but that’s wrong. Take the Tipperary and Derry match last summer. I looked at it again and Tipperary got far more frees than Derry and I’m saying that as a Tyrone man who has as healthy a dislike of Derry ones as any of my neighbours.
Sean’s wife Kate, who has asked to remain anonymous, has said that she thinks her husband is on to something but suggests that he has not quite hit the nail on the head this time.
She has looked at the videos too and has noticed that it is just the most handsome players that are treated harshly by the referees.
“Of course it is correct to say that lots of cards are issued to players like Sean Cavanagh, Tiernan McCann, Mark Bradley etc” she said. “Strictly speaking however” she continued “The reason why a disproportionate amount of northern players are getting the cards is just that most of the handsome players come from up here.”
Hair Gel Costs Crippling Tyrone GAA
It has emerged tonight that a soaring spike in the cost of standard hair gel has forced the Tyrone County Board to ask for a few pounds a month from players to cover the backdrop in finances.
A leaked document last week indicated that, despite changing to the cheaper but less effective Boots version of men’s hair gel, over £30’000 was being spent on gel, hair dye and tanning products.
A squad member sent us an email this evening, complaining of the poor standard of gel which left players feeling vulnerable and exposed during the rain-drenched Saturday night game against Dublin a fortnight ago.
“It’s bad enough that the gel is now of a lesser standard than the stuff Mugsy and big Sean used to use in the last decade, but they’re making us pay for it. Tiernan McCann was black carded last week because he couldn’t even see the player coming towards him as the cheap stuff was tearing the eyes out of him. And why do you think McCurry’s accuracy is off?”
The email also suggests that Sean Cavanagh has been told they can’t afford the dye any more and we’re to expect a more “salt’n’pepper” look from the Moy legend in 2017.
Croke Park officials have subsequently asked Tyrone GAA to pay for the extra watering needed for their pitch after the cheaper brand of tan washed off onto their turf during the exciting NFL draw.
“Niall Sludden was completely unrecognisable at the end of the game in that we thought he was a spectator trying to break into the changing rooms at the end. He changed two shades. They County Board have ended up spending more by cutting costs. Pure shambles. “
Players are being asked to pay a direct debit of £3 a month into an Abbey National account in Clogher.
Tyrone Tribulations 