Monthly Archives: June 2013
Obesity in Sion Mills On The Increase: 46% Of Residents Now Answering To ‘Lard Arse’
Sion man outside the Credit union last week
By Shengas McGlumphie
Sion Mills starts a ‘tough love’ campaign tomorrow aimed at dealing with the problem of adult obesity, after a survey showed that 46% of people in the area now answer to the name ‘Lard Arse’.
“It’s a real concern”, said Frankie Molloy, of the local group Sion Action which is spearheading the campaign to deal with the issue. “Walk down the Melmount Road and yell, ‘Hey Sumo, whit about ye hi?’, and a dozen people will turn round. It’s a proper obesity epidemic and we need to act now. And it’s not going to be nice”.
’Lard Arse’ came top of the list, with others following close behind including ‘Wide Load’, ‘Chubs’, ‘Chubby’, ‘Fats’, ‘Fat Boy Slim’, ‘Plumpers’ and ‘Plumpton’.
According to Golias.fr, 32-stone porker Sidney Clarke who works in the cricket club said,
“It’s becoming a real problem in the area. It used to be just me really, so if I was walking down the street and someone shouted ‘Salad Dodger’ or ‘Chair Crusher’, I knew it was me they were talking about. Now it could be any number of people. Everyone’s on the bandwagon. To be honest I feel like I’ve lost a bit of status. I quite liked being the only ‘Fat Lord’ or ‘Sweat Hog’. These days, it’s not clear who ate all the pies when people shout stuff out in the street, and it just causes confusion. I used to be ‘Lard of the Manor’. Not any more”.
Molloy says the action group has considered several ways to resolve the problem, one of which is to attribute specific nicknames to certain individuals.
“Someone like Sidney for example has always been called ‘Bloater’ even from when he was at school, so it’s a bit unkind that other heavyweights are muscling in on the name. There are only so many good quality nicknames for chubsters to go round”, pondered Molloy.
Asked whether resolving the name-calling issue was dealing more with the symptom rather than the problem of obesity itself, Molloy said
“Well it’s not as if we’re going to ask people to eat less, are we? Jaysus, we’re not fascists. Whatever next, telling them to exercise? They might act like that in Strabane but you won’t get sort of behaviour here. That’s just disrespecting the roly-polys. No, let’s show some dignity by giving them their own nicknames. Personally, I like ‘Aisle Blocker’ and ‘Buffet Slayer’. Oh, and ‘Large-and-in-Charge’”
Tyrone Women Bracing Themselves As Husbands Bring Out Barbecues
Urney Barbecue
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Thousands of women across the county are preparing for the worst as the warm weather looks set to continue into the weekend. As husbands in their droves drag barbecues out from behind the shed and start scraping the rust off, wives and partners are abruptly turning vegetarian overnight, sending children off to relatives, and frantically keying ‘999’ into the speed dial on their phones.
“I’ve scarce got over last year to be honest” said one woman from Urney. “It was the one warm day of June and I was looking forward to a nice quiet day in the garden but my man insisted on having a barbecue and cooking the whole lot himself. Jaysus, I was hoping to get a nice tan, and I ended up with the most tara scitter for the rest of the week. I couldn’t get the taste of rust out of my mouth for days”.
Another woman, from Cabragh, shared concerns.
“Barbecue? Barbe-spew more like. Last year I ate a couple of his burgers and some ribs that he got cheap from somewhere. Jaysus, did I not see them again half an hour later. My stomach was like one of those lava lamps for a month. And he’s always getting Sheena and Des over, our neighbours from across the way. We end up getting drunk and admit personal things and then we avoid eye-contact for six months for fear of what was said that night even though no one can remember”.
“What’s going on with all this weather?” demanded another woman from Brocagh. “Usually by the time the sun comes out here and my husband eventually gets off his arse to the get the barbecue stuff, it’s started raining or snowing. But the forecast last night said it’s guaranteed to be a really warm and pleasant weekend. What a nightmare”.
A spokeswoman from Dungannon & South Tyrone Council said that the weather is having far-reaching consequences beyond the back garden.
“Tyrone’s in unchartered territory here. For the first time in the county’s recorded history it’s definitely guaranteed to be a sunny weekend. Quite frankly, a lot of people are panicking. They don’t know what to do. We had one woman from Dungannon phoning us saying that normally if she goes out on a sunny day as a precaution she also takes a jumper, an umbrella, a pair of wellies, and a compass. What’s the poor woman supposed to take with her now?”
The Council have also has several calls from the Stewartstown area querying what the ‘big yellow hurty thing” is in the sky.
Brocagh Man Bought Helicopter To Stare At Women, Court Told
Kirby walking the dog
There were scenes of shock amidst laughter in Dungannon Crown Court today after it was suggested to the jury that Paul Kirby, a 55-year old plasterer from Brocagh, bought a helicopter with the sole purpose of spying on women putting clothes out on the line. The case against Kirby has been brought about by ten women from the area who were increasingly convinced that the helicopter was not being used for ‘keeping an eye on invaders on Lough Neagh’ as Kirby was putting about. Imelda McGourty explained:
“The penny started to drop after the third or fourth time I saw this helicopter rising over the far hedge every time I bought clothes out to dry. It was too much of a coincidence. Then I remembered how oul Kirby would be walking the roads early in the morning. He was quite obviously listening out for washing machines and predicting when the clothes would be ready for the line. To give him his dues, he was spot on every time, the dirty oul bastard.:
McGourty’s neighbour, Kelly Davidson, was also in no doubt about Kirby’s intentions:
“I was sort of suspicious too about this thing rising up as soon as I brought the basket out. So I bought a pair of binoculars from Gumtree and managed to surprise oul Kirby by quickly looking up. I saw him, quite clearly, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together. No more proof needed. I now wear a boiler suit when sticking out the clothes, and no underwear will be hanging up too.”
Kirby denies the accusations and maintains he’s simply protecting the area from pirates across the lough:
“You try to do something good for Brocagh and this is the thanks you get. I’ve been keeping pirates from Antrim and Crumlin at bay by flying this thing. Have they ever been attacked by looting shipmen? No! That tells its own story. And anyway, as the modern man will tell you, a lot of men put clothes out on the line now. I see Benny Campbell’s skinny white legs out every morning – and that does nothing for me. Sometimes I just use it for walking the dog”
Kirby has been ordered to retire the Robinson R44 Raven until further notice.
Tyrone News In Brief – Possibly Unrelated Stories
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Billionaire re-locates to the Sperrins
Russian looked a bit like this
The enigmatic billionaire Vladimir Alekperov, has puzzled fellow Russians and delighted residents in Castlederg and the surrounding area after re-locating to an unspecified location in the heart of the Sperrin Mountains. The three-nippled megalomaniac was tight-lipped as to his reasons for moving to Tyrone, although he did release a very short statement saying “I am invincible!”
He recently drew the attention of local shoppers when he was seen out and about in Greencastle last Saturday. Celebrity-spotter Martina Callaghan said, “Oooh, he’s a quare looking fella, all mysterious and everything. I saw him in Costcutter’s asking them if they sold nuclear warheads and buying some Whiskas for his white cat. He seems lovely”.
Upturn in Tyrone jobs market
Unemployment in Tyrone has fallen for the third consecutive month, due mainly to an increase in demand for professional henchmen. “It’s very encouraging, although we’re not quite sure where the demand is coming from”, said Sheila McGuire of Omagh Recruitment. “There’s also been a big surge in demand for deadly assassins in the region, who can now expect to get paid as much as £12.50 per hour, or more if they have any particular skills. Specialist experience such as being able to bite through cable car wire or being totally impervious to pain is desirable, and can command £15 per hour and above”. Successful candidates are expected to have a full clean driving licence.
Fears of environmental pollution in Blackwater
Environmentalists are trying to track down the person or persons responsible for releasing several adult alligators into the River Blackwater at the weekend.
The environmental group ‘A Greener Tyrone’ say they believe that someone may have deliberately or accidentally released the reptiles into the water system, which have subsequently gone on to wreak havoc on the environment in certain parts of the county. Attempts by activists to capture the alligators ended tragically for one campaigner when the river bridge he was walking over split in two exactly half-way along, and he was eaten alive. Campaigners were inconsolable by the incident, saying that they believe the indigenous pollen fish may be at risk from the contamination.
Signs of global warming on the increase
Tyrone is under siege from global warming as evidence mounts of an increase in flood water in the Sperrins. Keen hillwalker and ornithologist Seamus Kerr of Gortin said, “I walk up Sawel Mountain most weekends and last Sunday I noticed a huge shimmering lake close to the top of it. I’m certain it wasn’t there the previous weekend. It also seems to be completely frozen over as well, which is odd seeing as it’s June”. Kerr also said he could hear strange birdsong in the distance that he had never heard before, that sounded “like the crashing metal gears of an unimaginably colossal machine”.
Speeding motorist fined
A man was given three penalty points and fined £60 last weekend as the local PSNI continue their crack-down on speeding motorists. The man, from London in England, was driving an Aston Martin DB7 and was clocked at 180mph on the A4 between Dungannon and Granville. Police also reported that the vehicle must have been in a poor state of repair as it appeared to be leaking copious amounts of oil over the carriageway making it extremely hazardous for other road users.
When asked if he knew what speed he was doing, the man responded in a casual manner saying “I hope it was at leasht 200 milesh an hour”. The police have advised that if he is caught giving lip like that again they will “bate seven shades of shite out of him”.
Dromore Speed-Dating Night Sees 0% Success
The much anticipated Dromore speed-dating night has thrown up no relationships despite the presence of 30 men and 30 women desperate for a partner. The organisers, Get The Singles Off The Streets, say they were extremely disappointed at the results and predict another slow decade of marriages in the village.
“I can’t believe no one liked anyone. In fact, our online results show that 80% of those who took part now hated each other more than ever. This is bleak news. Having observed some of the questioning techniques I think we need to do a crash course in chat-up lines. It was obvious that some of the fellas, especially those in the 45-54 category, were well out of practice. I overheard one man tell a prospective partner that he loved travelling. When asked where he has travelled, he told her that he took a scoot out to Bundoran last weekend. I could see the pretty lady shake her head despondingly.”
36 year old Rylan McMenamin, a self-employed trampolinist, reckons it’s the last time he’ll attend one of those nights:
“It was pure dung like. I asked this girl if she liked making stuff and she said she liked making scones and soda bread on a hearth. I was thinking this is the girl for me but to be sure I asked if she cleaned up after herself when the food was ate. She just got up and walked off. These women don’t know what men want.”
Cathy Dornan, a 26-year old needle-maker, was equally unimpressed:
“Dromore men are like no other. There was one lad who was the best of a bad bunch and I was prepared to give it a go. As a final question I asked him if he liked kissing and stuff. He laughed and said ‘sure that’s teenage stuff – I’m more into ripping the knickers clane off me wemen’ and then flashed the worst set of teeth I’ve ever seen. I nearly fainted.”
The Dromore Speed-Dating Night 2 has been cancelled.
Tyrone Women Issue County-Wide Appeal To The Men During Hot Weather
Even shorter than these
From Ardboe to Aghyaran, women of all ages have taken to the loanans and ramparts to call for all Tyrone men to desist from wearing 1980s GAA shorts during the current hot spell.
The lack of sunshine in previous years has offered a short respite from the unpleasant images of middle-aged men prancing around their gardens and local shops wearing no shirts and an ill-fitting pair of shorts they once wore during their heyday 25 years ago. Cookstown fashion guru Kelly McGleenan explains:
“Even thinking about it now makes me want to boke. I remember refusing to go down to the Centra in 2008 during the last bit of sun after seeing this boy from Derrytresk with a bit of a beer belly sitting on a crate outside wearing nothing but his chest full of bits of straw and his 1986 league winners’ shorts with legs akimbo. The things I saw there will live with me forever. How his poor wife puts up with that I don’t know. I recalled a line from “Never Been To Me” by Charlene which says ‘and seen some things that a woman ain’t sposed to see’. I now now what she was on about. Hill men in their 80s shorts.”
The PSNI have refused to prosecute men in those shorts but warned households that anyone cutting hedges or just standing about on the road should consider Bermuda shorts or even just looser fitting football shorts like the boys on the TV wear. McGleenan says this doesn’t go far enough:
“They’re fudging the issue. Typical men making rules for men. An hour ago I saw Fr Morgan from Greencastle out pruning his Cherry Blossoms and caught a glimpse of his 1984 Greencastle Feile shorts. That’s just wrong on so many levels.”
The Derrytresk chairman’s plea for all 1986 short holders to return their pairs has been met with violent scenes of moss burning.
Council Plan To Spend Entire Aborted A5 Road Budget On ‘Deadly Session’ For Tyrone
Bono for Tyrone?
By Shengas McGlumphie
Leaked plans from a source within Dungannon & South Tyrone Council have revealed that the Council is planning to spend the £400m budget, originally earmarked for the A5 road extension, on a huge party for the 150,000 lucky residents in Tyrone. An anonymous source told us:
“We were going to get the money taken away anyway so we might as well use it on something. We’ve not done the sums yet on how much it works out at per resident because our calculators don’t go to enough decimal places, but it should be the price of a whole clatter of pints for every man, woman and child”.
The original expectation was that the funds would be withdrawn and used elsewhere in Ireland or the EC for other projects. However, the source said that officials discovered that they can re-classify the £400m expense from ‘A5 Road multi-million pound upgrade’ into a category called ‘Miscellaneous Expenses’ without anyone noticing.
Plans are already underway to have a one-day celebration of all that is good about Tyrone, including Irish dancing, bull-fighting, tyre-kicking, dwarf wrestling, diffing, laundering, slagging, passing down clothes and St Bridgid’s Cross weaving. The leaked 10-point document outlines the plans for the event which will be organised by the Council, expected to take place mid-August:
- ‘Mad Musical Spectacular’, better than Band Aid. Featuring band made up of Bono, Philomena Begley, Paul McCartney and Dennis Taylor. Follow up with charity recording The Mountains of Pomeroy, featuring Sting on the spoons. Get Lady Gaga if Philomena not available.
- Derrylaughan to be re-classified as 2013 City of Culture. Persuade people in Derry that them getting it was an admin error.
- Get Derrylaughan re-classified as a City
- Free Moy Park chicken for every Tyrone resident. Utility bill as proof of address required. Cookstown Sausages instead for any vegetarians.
- ‘All Star Football’ featuring 1986 Tyrone versus the 1966 England World Cup Team
- Fly Pope and entourage over for the day as special guest of honour. Use Easyjet to keep cost down but agree to pay for Easyjet Meal Deal for Pope only, to include sandwich, Pringles and bar of chocolate of His Holiness’s choice.
- A lock of pints for every resident. Get Costcutters to do a deal.
- Free sick bag for every family.
- Bulldoze Asda in Cookstown. Build 3,000-foot statue of Peter Canavan.
- Bribe BBC producers for Tyrone to feature on ‘Lesser Spotted Ulster’ every week for next 5 years
The day will be hosted by Ant or Dec, whichever is cheaper.
Ardboe Pensioner Creates 5-Mile Tailback Going to Omagh
Gonzales Quinn last week
An Ardboe octogenarian created havoc in mid-Ulster yesterday after setting out on a 37 mile journey to Omagh to visit a sister he hadn’t seen since 1988. James ‘Gonzales’ Quinn, a former eel skinner and well known for his speedy knife method, cranked up his 1957 Wolseley for a journey that would hold Tyrone to a standstill as 944 motors found themselves stuck behind him up the Omagh Road for almost four hours. One such driver, Peter Devlin from Carnan, explained:
“Jaysus it was cat. I was also heading to Omagh to pick up a part for a woman’s undergarment when I found myself directly behind Gonzales at the Cookstown roundabout. I remember being stuck behind him in 1996 but overtook him when he stopped the car near the Battery for a bite of a sandwich. This time, he wasn’t stopping. Twice I made the move to go by him only for Gonzales to veer right over the middle lines. Any other man and you’d think he was winding you up. Not Gonzales. He’s just a wild man at the wheel, and him doing 20mph.”
By the time Quinn reached Kildress, a line of 200 cars had formed behind him, mostly at a snail’s pace. One impatient passenger, reportedly a postman from Coagh, took a head stagger and went on a rampaging 70mph bolt up the wrong way, only to be catapulted up a side road towards Greencastle when Gonzales edged out at the last minute. Paddy McCann told us:
“I saw a cavalcade going past the house at Sandholes, so like any other right-thinking man I joined in. The whole family were greatly excited in the motor, guessing away at what the queue was for. I was thinking maybe a bouncy castle at Gortin but the wife was hoping for a half price day at the Centra in Drumragh. It was a bit of a let down that it was only oul Gonzales going up to see the sister. We didn’t reach Omagh til dark.”
Quinn has yet to return as police warn motorists to listen to traffic updates for information on his journey. The PSNI also confirmed they will not be prosecuting the line of toilet-stoppers during the ordeal.
Evidence Of Tyrone Women ‘Doing Themselves Up’ For Obama Undeniable
Typical Augher woman today
The county’s tanning salons and hairdressers have reported a 300% rise in bookings in the last month, finally confirming that Tyrone women are going that extra mile to look a bit better in case the American president sees them on a random spin around the roads. Excitement amongst Red Hand women has reached fever pitch with many husbands and boyfriends complaining about their partners being ‘a right bit distracted’ over the last few weeks with the arrival of President Obama imminent for the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Mary’s Salon in The Rock explained the extent of the grooming:
“It’s been deadly. I’d say about three-quarters of the Rock’s women have their hair set already. Even women who should know better, grannies and the like, have been getting blue rinses since Easter almost on a weekly basis. Women from as far as Moortown were coming here to get their eyebrows mowed or for Turkish shaves. I’m completely out of Pond’s anti-wrinkle cream. The Fitzgerald family from Derrytresk bought the whole box. You’d think Robert Redford had landed in the county. Deadly stuff altogether.”
Mary’s have reported a rise in toenail cutting appointments from Eglish and hairy chin removals in Lissan with a noticeable rise in Tattyreagh women looking ‘them there push-up bras’. Omagh women have been the highest users of the leg-shaving services, preferring the cut-throat blade after years of neglect. Not all reports have been of a positive nature with stories of sabotage leaking through to us on a regular basis. Fr Kelly from Donaghmore says it could cut up rough yet:
“I see the way the wemen are looking at each other during mass, especially at those wearing new frocks. I saw it coming but last week a woman tripped her cousin going up for communion, ruining her sexy trendy banded casual above the knee mini dress, not that I would know about those things. I caught two of the sacristans pulling the hair out of each other during Stations of the Cross. I’ve a bad feeling about how this will end up.”
Neglected Tyrone Husbands have started up a website to cater for men who feel a bit hacked off about the whole thing. They can share stories and have a good old communal cry.
Tyrone Tribulations 