Author Archives: Gombeen
New Soup Ice Lolly Cafe A Real Hit, With Massive Queues In Ardboe
An Ardboe cafe specialising in soup ice lollies has had to turn away dozens of customers after selling out of stock, with tomato soup ice lollies proving to be the best seller, followed closely by minestrone ice lollies.
Jules Grayham, who stumbled upon the idea after freezing her own soup after accidentally dropping a spoon in it, maintains that her vegetable soup ice lolly will eventually take the number one slot as soon as she finds an alternative to carrots which don’t freeze well.
“Yeah, it’s been hectic. I’m just happy to see people licking my soup. Tomato and minestrone is doing well but I’ve big plans for vegetable soup ice lollies with a side dish of croutons. Even the beef soup ice lollies is extremely popular, especially with lorry drivers. They just love soup on a stick whilst trucking about”
The cafe, named Soup Herb, is running an introductory deal this weekend. One soup ice-lolly is retailing at £3 but you can get two for £5.50 or three for a tenner.
Uproar As Omagh Cafe Charges Customers £3 For Cutting Sandwiches In Two
A new cafe, which opened in Omagh this week, has already angered customers after it emerged they add £3 onto the bill if you want your sandwich cut in half.
‘Mugged’, which offers a range of teas, coffees and sandwiches, as well as some heated food such as sausage rolls and soup, has defended the charge of cutting the sandwiches, as well as reminding customers that they would get the same charge if they got out of Omagh and went somewhere like Italy or Greece.
Mugged owner Sammy Finch added:
“People want something for nothing these days. If you want a sandwich cut in two, it takes time to take the order, use a knife and possibly a new plate and napkin. These things don’t grow on trees. Also, there is a hidden danger with using a knife and a risk assessment is taken every time someone wants this style of sandwich”
Local shopper, Mary Grant, fumed after she was charged £6 for asking that her two sandwiches be cut in two:
“The sandwiches were £2.99 each, the tea was £1.99 and then the cutting of the sandwiches stung me for £6. I couldn’t enjoy the sandwiches after they told me the cost and I ended up near choking on one. I was afraid they’d charge me for choking too so I kept the noise down.”
Mugged is open Monday to Saturday from 11am-4pm and does not allow people to charge their laptops in the plug sockets.
Eskra Man Given Last Warning For Washing Towels After One Use. Hot Press Or Leave.
An Eskra plumber has been given a final warning by his infuriated wife after throwing FIVE different towels into the wash basket on FIVE consecutive days.
Kevin Seery, who is regarded as one of the finest toilet menders in the county, has told friends that if he doesn’t reuse a towel or put it back in the hot press the next time, he has been ordered to go back to living with his mother who is described as cranky and cantankerous by local business owners.
Mrs Veronica Seery explained:
“I’d normally be mild-mannered and come from a long line of tolerant Maguire women, but this bastard is on his last legs. Last Saturday I counted 7 towels in the basket, 5 used by him. I’ve been through three washing machines in the last five years and it’s him and his towels that’s wrecking them. My children reuse a towel for a fortnight. I’ve never seen him open that hot press once.”
Mr Seery attempted to explain to his wife that he gets covered in all types of excrement in his line of work but was swiftly given an uppercut.
American Woman Disappointed Coalisland Isn’t An Island. Calls For Town To Be Renamed.
A 45-year old woman from Arizona has called for Coalisland to be renamed after she flew 5000 miles to visit the town ‘which sounded magical on the map, like an island full of coal’, after seeing an image of it from 100 years ago on Google.
Mandy Power, who planned on swimming from Dungannon to Coalisland instead of getting a boat, picked the town out on a map during a moment of madness after drinking two bottles of Jack Daniels on a Sunday night and jumped on a plane the following morning.
She added:
“When I arrived at the roundabout in Dungannon, I looked for the boats or pier and couldn’t see any. I asked a local man how to get to this Coalisland. He said to take the Coalisland Road past the ‘Dork field and then keep going on the Dungannon Road but not to take a wrong turn at the Bush. He said when you see Landi’s you’ll be there in the centre. I asked about the boat and he just threw his eyes up and told me to catch myself on.”
Power stayed a couple of days in Coalisland anyway despite the disappointment and visited Newell Stores nearly every day, bringing home gifts for her family such as sausage rolls and apple tarts. She has called for the town to be renamed.
Omagh ‘Hum’ Mystery Solved As Harte/Devlin Caught Boring ‘Spy Tunnel’ From Derry
The mysterious humming noise which has kept most of Omagh up at night for a week was finally resolved after the Derry management team of Mickey Harte and Gavin Devlin were caught boring a tunnel from Owenbeg in Derry to Healy Park to spy on pre-match team-talks in the McKenna Cup.
The humming noise, which had been wrongly attributed to wind turbines, 5G masts, Kevin McAleer, and the DUP, only stopped late last night after a miscalculation by Devlin. Instead of boring up through the home changing rooms at Healy Park, Devlin and Harte’s heads appeared in the middle of the dancefloor in Sally’s of Omagh. Ironically, the band was playing ‘Back Home In Derry’ at the time.
A tunnel expert from the town explained:
“This is a quite sophisticated tunnel boring machine (TBM) Harte was using. He’d need to be getting paid plenty to afford that. Cutting through the Sperrins is no mean feat, but no better man than Horse Devlin to drive it on. It also explains why we’ve only heard the noise recently in Omagh. Gortin was hearing it the previous week.”
Although Harte refused an interview, a smirking Gavin Devlin confirmed that there’s definitely gold in the Sperrins, ‘or there used to be’ he said whilst winking.
Marchers Declare Marching War On Braverman, As Cavan People Tell Her To Leave Them Out Of It
Marchers from both sides of the community, as well as Pride marchers, trade union marchers, Coalisland Silver Band, and anti-pollution marchers, have declared a marching war on British Home Secretary Suella Braverman after she said people here hate marching. The people of Cavan, Donegal and Monaghan have also warned Braverman to leave them out of it ‘with all this Ulster talk’.
Braverman, who also once said Lough Neagh should be tarmacked over and used as a big jail for people she doesn’t like, didn’t specify which set of marchers she was referring to which has led to a united front from paranoid marchers up and down the country. Errigal Ciaran and Dromore footballers have also joined forces with Irish Marchers United (IMU) after marching behind the band at the county final last month.
In a combined statement, the IMU stated:
“This is ridiculous. We just love marching. Most of our thousands of members march down the stairs every morning to get porridge or whatever breakfast you like personally. Braverman has started a war she will regret. We don’t hate marching at all, and she’ll know all about it when we march around her house for a full week in big boots.”
Additionally, in a statement signed by the people of Donegal, Monaghan and Cavan, British politicians have been told to stop linking them with things that happen in the six counties, ‘or else’. They have also threatened to remove themselves from the province of Ulster to form their own province if this continues. Early names for the new province include ‘Huckster’ and ‘Mainliners’.
Ronan McNamee Spotted Winking At Jim McGuinness At Shop
Recently retired Tyrone legend Ronan McNamee has refused to quell rumours that he may tog out for Donegal in 2024.
The Aghyaran full-back, who was expected to hang up his inter-county boots to concentrate on terrorising club Intermediate forwards in 2024, has Donegal connections as well as a good geographical knowledge of the O’Donnell County. He also, reportedly, recently downloaded the Hills of Donegal as his ringtone on his phone.
Strabane newsagent, Johnny McIlhenny, confirmed that McNamee and McGuinness were in the shop at the same time this morning:
“They were smirking and nodding at each other at the deli counter. McGuinness then pulled out the Irish News and pointed at the McNamee retiring story. Ronan just winked and bought three sausage rolls. It seemed like a done-deal to me.”
When questioned about the incident, McNamee cryptically replied: ‘When the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.’
McNamee is a renowned fisherman.
Trillick To Put On Two Masses After Errigal Announce Their Pre-Match Mass For Sunday
Trillick this evening confirmed that they will run two Masses on the morning of the county final to counteract the Errigal Mass organised for 11am in Garvaghy on Sunday.
The Trillick Masses, one at 7am and another at 11.30am, will allow fog horns to be blown during musical interludes at their second Mass as well as flag-waving, after Errigal encouraged club colours to be worn during their Mass.
The brainchild behind the Trillick double-Mass, Getty Sunken, has also asked permission from the Bishop to allow parishioners to shout abuse at the priest, to warm up for the match itself:
“Yes, we’re hoping we can hurl abuse at the clergy to make sure we’re fully vocally prepared for the big game. Nothing too obscene, just stuff like ‘are ye f**kin blind’ if he stalls when reading. It’s for the common good.”
Already, over 80 Trillickians have signed up for both Masses.
In other news, a pothole claimed another victim down a rampart in Castlecaulfield today. Mary McGlute (61) broke her ankle on the pothole whilst running after ticket seller.
Lough’s Green Algae May Make Derrylaughan Unbeatable, Claims Scientist
A leading Dutch scientist, who specialises in algae from across the globe, has claimed that the powerful effects of the current malaise Lough Neagh finds itself in could, in fact, be having a superhuman impact on those living close to it, comparing it to the spinach Popeye ate.
In recent weeks, the Derrylaughan senior team have embarked on an unbeaten run, propelling them into the Intermediate semi-final. Next week, they face a Pomeroy team who have subsequently booked a team-bonding weekend in Brocagh up the road from Derrylaughan this weekend in order to bathe in the powerful algae.
Professor Felix Van der Dum explained:
“We have been keeping an eye on the Derrylaughan team since the algae situation blew up. I even attended their last game against Gortin. Your man Kennedy jumped for a ball, reaching a height of 15 feet. That means he could jump onto the roof of a house. Another man by the name of Carney ran 100m in 9.99 secs. The Irish record is 10.17 secs. It is possibly illegal what’s happening.”
Gortin decided against launching a formal complaint despite rumours of the Derrylaughan bus glowing on the way in, as well as specualtion that they’re eating the algae before leaving the changing rooms.
Harte Sets Sights On Reclaiming Cookstown, Ardboe & Greencastle Into Greater Derry As Well As Turning Flag Upside Down
A leaked document has revealed that Mickey Harte will approach Owen Mulligan, Brian McGuigan and Sean Teague to be the faces of a new ‘Greater Derry’ campaign, activating an old geographical claim dating back to 1782 to some of north Tyrone.
Harte has also approached Derry GAA HQ to ask if they would consider having the white part of the flag closer to the pole and promoting a new supporter chant ‘Derry, yer on yer own, sir’.
In a final demand, Mickey’s second-in-command Horse Devlin is to be given a caravan in Ballyronan for family holidays with spectacular views of the Lough, a free boat ride from the Marina once a month, and tickets to Dana’s next concert.
The family of Mulligan has revealed concerns that his hair has started to turn ginger again because of stress since the news of Cookstown’s possible move into the Oak Leaf. Sean Teague was spotted punching the Sperrin Mountains above Greencastle in anger, whilst Brian McGuigan has embraced the idea of becoming a Derry man if it brings more customers to the pub.
A third cousin of Joe Brolly from Maghera told us:
“This is like Barry McElduff donning a sash and bating a lambeg through Carrickmore. Rub it up them Tyrone ones. We might be inbred but Sam’s coming home next year. Derry amongst the bushes!”
The EU has offered military reinforcements for the Tyrone Derry NFL game next year.
Tyrone Man Wakes From Operation Thinking He’s Elvis
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
A county Tyrone man woke following keyhole surgery in Belfast, refused to believe he was not Mr Elvis Presley, and had to be sedated within minutes of waking from an operation to treat concussion, according to reports this morning.
Danny Shields, with an address just off Jacksonville Road in Moygashel, was in for an unexpected but fairly standard operation to relieve swelling above the eyebrows, after he was clipped by a bus coming out of TK Maxx in the middle of Belfast.
We understand he woke after the two-hour procedure with a quiff and a pair of golden black tinted sunglasses on him that none of the staff at the Royal operating theatre could account for, screaming “you’ll not get your vaccine in me” and “ah ha huuuing”, kicking and screaming before he had to undergo further unplanned anesthesia “for his own safety”.
Mr Shields’ only sister (who did not want to be named) was distraught when first informed by hospital staff, and said she really couldn’t understand it, and that the only music he likes was “the flute bands up in Londonderry in the summer” and “Neil Diamond’s Penny Arcade”. She described him as a born-again Christian, who kept all of his tattoos to remind him of his past and that he wouldn’t hurt a fly now.
We caught up with the general manager of the hospital, Mr Kildare:
“We can confirm that a 53-year-old son of two from Tyrone was admitted today after an incident with one of the new Belfast city electric buses. He woke after a procedure singing American songs, screaming out for cheeseburgers, and lashing out at staff. The individual (whom I am medically qualified and legally permitted to call a male for the purposes of this statement) had to be restrained and put under for his own safety and the safety of my staff. We hope to keep him sedated for the rest of tonight so we can conduct CT scans and a full suite of blood tests”.
The Belfast Mayor has again appealed for caution when in the vicinity of the new electric city buses after three sleeping pigeons, a binman, and a man trying to steal a hubcap were run over by them, so far this month.
Double Vaccinated Parents Barred From Ballygawley Sports Day Race For Having Longer Limbs Now
St Feckin’s PS in Ballygawley has notified parents who received at least two Covid vaccines that they are barred from competing in the parents’ race at the sports day next year, due to complaints from local non-vaccinated residents who claim their friends’ limbs grew over an inch each since the jabs were issued.
Although top scientists are refusing to confirm the larger limb syndrome, governors in the school have acted quickly to bar the vaccinated parents, with other local primary schools to follow suit before long.
One teacher, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that she has been able to reach the cereal cupboard in her house ever since she received her second dose, having previously stood on a stool or asked her tallest son to grab it for him. The tallest son can now touch the ceiling, having had two boosters.
Principal Steven Kinhead (48) confirmed:
“Yes, we are barring any parents who have received at least two jabs. I know of about ten people in Ballygawley who have longer legs now and it simply isn’t fair. The high jump competition was a farce last year.”
There will be a race for vaccinated parents but it will not be timed and no medals will be given out.
Years Of Lough Neagh Neglect See Double-Headed Eels, Kamikaze Midges and Nessie Snub
Lough Neagh is ‘quickly becoming an apocalyptic nightmare’ according to scientists at a prestigious university in Europe, labeling the current owner of the bed and banks of Lough Neagh, the 12th Earl of Shaftesbury, Nicholas Ashley-Cooper, ‘the new Dr Frankenstein of the 21st Century’.
As recently as last week, fishermen on the western shore near Ardboe have sworn they saw an eel with two heads, with one head talking to the other, as well as midges sky-diving into rocks in order to avoid the toxic effects of the green algae which has been allowed to envelope the waters.
Dr Brian McCourt, a famed microbiologist at Brussels University warned:
“It’s quite possible that we’re looking at the re-emergence of some of the most dangerous extinct animals ever to exist, emerging from a tragically mis-managed Lough. Examples include the Pollanasaurus, the Great Blue Pike, and various megladons. These enormous prehistoric sharks will make fishing rather difficult.”
Scottish sea-monster Nessie has declined to take up his daily visit to Lough Neagh to watch the bands in August, citing he’d rather swim in a sewer than even look at the state of the Lough.
Stewartstown To Land On Moon Next, To Establish Butchers And Credit Union On Dark Side
Following India’s successful landing on the south pole of the moon, Stewartstown Council has confirmed that fundraising has started in the town to pay for a space station near Tullyhogue, aiming at a 2025 manned launch to the dark side of the moon.
The proposed location, named Tin Station, has been cleared of trees and hedges in anticipation of the completion of the £1.7b fundraising campaign. Organisers have asked for civilian volunteers with experience of working in a butcher’s shop, as well as in a Credit Union, to go on the rocket.
Henry Fee explained:
“Stewartstown is not only going to the moon. We’re going to colonise the dark side, starting with outrageous deals in kebabs and joints, as well as attractive interest loans for the locals through the Credit Union we’ll open. The Cliffords will be welcome too.”
The first fundraising event will take place next week at a Bazaar in the clubrooms. First prize is a year’s free parking at Drum Manor Forest Park.
Three volunteers have already taken the aptitude test with all three unfortunately failing. Two of them were in their 80s and the final one had a history of diarrhea.
India have yet to comment.
Brackaville Man Identifies As A Dog. Allowed To Urinate In Public.
An ex-Brackaville plasterer has been granted permission to identify as a dog, named Duke, and has demanded that his local pub allows him to urinate in public as well as groom himself in full daylight if he wants to.
Duke McNally, who is now 7 instead of 49, made his first appearance today as a dog, walking the whole way to Coalisland sniffing and barking at passers-by. Duke has also requested that his local Spar stock up on juicy bones and squeaky toys.
When asked how his first day went, Duke replied, whilst walking around in circles:
“I usually bark these days but for this interview I’ll use a few words. Yes, it has been good apart from some slabber from Newmills who kept throwing a stick into the middle of the road and it nearly killed me trying to fetch it. But apart from that, people have been good and even the lad whose shoes I pissed on just laughed and said ‘silly Duke’ and rubbed my head. Woof.”
Duke McNally will go back to the plastering tomorrow but will be allowed to take long naps and growl at people he doesn’t like.
Wife Reports Husband For Not Putting Phone On Flight Mode During Plane Journey.
A Carrickmore bricklayer was sent home on landing in Portugal after his wife reported him to officials for not putting his phone on flight-mode during their outward holiday journey to Faro.
Mary McCallan, who continued with her holiday with her six children anyway, attracted the attention of three flight attendants to her husband’s disregard for plane rules after he kept checking on Twitter how Carrickmore U16s were doing in a friendly game against Derrylaughan.
Mary had no regrets about her husband being deported on landing:
“Serves him right. If everyone else abides by the rules, why shouldn’t he? He was pretending to listen to Garth Brooks on his Spotify but I saw him refreshing the Twitter. We’ll have a good time without the bollocks.”
Mr McCallan (55) went back to work on a building site in Pomeroy this morning, and was met with his co-workers wearing snorkles and swimming trunks to wind him up.
McCallan was sent home at midday after punching a colleague who suggested that his wife is probably tackling some Portguese lad as they speak.
Church Scandal As Hidden Confession Charges Revealed
Vatican representatives have distanced themselves from the revelations that worshippers are being charged for a rash of hidden charges whilst going to confessions across the county.
It emerged late last week that the following fines have recently been imposed at confessional booths:
- £10 if confessions last more than 20 mins
- £10 if too long is spent on justifying the sin
- £10 for stammerers
- £5 for over 5 sins
- £20 if the same sins are used twice in a 3-month sinning period
A 77-year-old parishioner from Strabane, who wishes to remain anonymous, fumed
“I had to go to the Credit Union last month for confessions and all I did was swear under my breath at the wife and have bad thoughts about the weather woman on TG4, but I’ve a stutter. It’s a disgrace during this cost of living crisis. I’d save more money dead, or just sinning away like a bollocks.”
A priest in Cappagh is hearing confessions without hidden charges but is currently booked out until 2025.
Ardboe Parishioners Strip Shipwrecked Antrim Boat And Hold 12 Captive Until Boat Totally Raided
Ardboe is now said to be one of the most stylish parishes in the county after a shipwrecked boat was looted in the early hours of Saturday morning.
The boat, which set sail from Antrim to Toome to cart across fancy clothes, tobacco, make-up, spices and musical instruments, took a wrong turn and crashed into an Ardboe shore at 4am on Saturday 22nd July, .
Word of the wreckage reached most local households within seconds, with hundreds of Ardboians descending upon the boat, taking captive the dozen inhabitants and looting the vessel, leaving it ‘like a canoe’ according to witnesses.
Many women in the area were spotted wearing fur coats the following morning, with one wife claiming she had “enough mascara that will last me 10 years”.
Local curate, Canon McGuigan, added:
“I’ve never seen Ardboe look as well. Most houses have new wooden doors and all the women look class. The dozen Antrim ones have been released without harm and sure they had a safe enough vessel left to get back.”
The last boat looted in Ardboe was in 2021.
One of the sailors has decided to remain in Ardboe, having taken a shine to one of the Coneys.
Cookstown Man Blows Family Holiday Budget After Eating A Large Fry With 2 Pints At Aldergrove Airport
A Cookstown family have started a GoFundMe page on Facebook after their father spent the whole week-long budget for Malaga within an hour of arriving at Aldergrove airport, on a large fry and 2 beers at the airport bar.
Patsy Mulligan, who didn’t have cereal before he left the house, insisted that the holiday went ahead anyway despite only having 1 day’s pocket money left to feed himself, his wife and four children.
“How was I to know the price of a fry at the airport? And the beers were ridiculously dear but I was deadly thirsty. If people can donate to the page, that would be great.”
Mrs Mulligan, who worked overtime in Woolworths for the holiday, is refusing to give Patsy any of the pancakes she brought with her until there’s at least £100 in his Facebook page.
Mr Mulligan was also cautioned after fighting with one of the electronic robots that brings your breakfast to you, over the unavailability of brown sauce.
Tyrone Tribulations 