Category Archives: Cookstown
The Rock Make Bid To Stage 2014 Eurovision
Rock and Roll?
The Rock, famous for its disused water pump and Ciaran Gourley, has made an audacious early bid to stage the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest in case Ireland wins it this year. Strabane man Ryan Dolan will represent Ireland in this year’s contest in Malmo and ‘Euro For The Rock’ chief organiser, Kitty McCreesh, reckons it’s only right that a county Tyrone village gets to stage the event.
“Ah sure why not. There bes Portuguese and Latvians in Cookstown and Dungannon all the time. Why can’t but put up a few thousand Ukrainians, Spaniards, Maltese, Swedes and the likes up around these parts for the guts of a week. If you take a drive around Galcussagh, Rough Hill, Sessiagh Hill, Knockavaddy and Mullynure you’ll see acres of space that would cater for tents, wigwams, them there cars that are also caravans or whatever them foreigners sleep in. Hammocks etc. My husband says he’d look after the Swedes any day of the week, especially the blade who won it last year. We’ll put on a quare welcome and the Rock Accordian Band says they’ll play for free when parading the 44 countries around the football field before the singing bit. I cannot see any problems with this idea at all. It’ll be rock-on in the Rock next year. Isn’t it a great way to promote the disused pump and the general friendliness of Rock people. We might even get two dots above the ‘o’ in Rock to give us a continental feel, like The Röck.”
Pierre Dumont of the Eurovision 2014 Committee confirmed they received the bid and will make an announcement shortly. Dumont did express concerns about the crowding around the disused water pump and whether or not they can employ enough security to control it:
“Yes, there is a concern about the water pump. Although disused, it’s still up there with the towers in Pisa and Paris, the Great Wall of China and the Statue of Liberty. In school in Montpellier, one of the first things I was taught about when it came to foreign places of interest was the ‘Rock Disused Water Pump’. I’m giddedly excited myself about the possibility of seeing it so I can’t imagine how people in Luxembourg or Belarus feel. It’s a grave concern and might scupper their bid. And anyway, Cookstown isn’t what it used to be they say, like Pompeii.”
New Runner In Mid-Ulster Election. 1-2-1 Interview with Seamie McCloy.
McCloy campaign poster
Tyrone Tribulations were delighted to be granted an exclusive interview with Seamie ‘The Red Boy’ McCloy, an independent candidate for the Mid-Ulster seat, from Galbally.
WHAT MAKES YOU AN IDEAL CANDIDATE FOR MID-ULSTER?
Well, lucksee, I’ve been living in Mid-Ulster since I was born. I know all the roads. Manys a night I walked every road on my way home from Clubland or Dormans or even the Cohannon Inn after a night on the tear. I know every pothole and sheuk. Molloy might be a Tyrone man but sure he spent half his time helping them Fermanagh ones. I’ll not be doing anything of the sort. I’m a pure bred Tyrone man.
BUT YOUR CONSTITUENCY COVERS DERRY?
What? Does it? Well, if I’m elected we’ll be seeing about that. And we’ll be taking all of Ballinderry back too. That’s not to say I don’t want them Derry wans not to vote for me. Far from it. Get me in and you get your Derry back for yourselves. Tyrone and Derry have no business mixing with each other. McGuinness was cute about that. He took over when Tyrone were going well and pretended we were all the one. Not any more. A vote for me is a vote for independence.
SO WHAT IS YOUR MANIFESTO?
What kind of question is that? I’ve nothing to hide.
SORRY, YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME. A MANIFESTO IS A DECLARATION OF INTENTIONS IF YOU’RE EVER VOTED IN.
So what are you saying? I’m not intending on anything. I’m open and transparent. You hacks are slippery wee bastards.
OK. IF YOU ARE VOTED IN, WHAT CHANGES WILL YOU MAKE?
That’s more like it. Well, I’ve already told you about the geographical changes. Secondly, I will lower taxes on alcohol, smoking as well as offering financial relief for those caught doing the double or mixing fuel or things like that. They’re the real issues in Mid-Ulster/New Tyrone. I’ll also be asking for permission to stop cops who are stopping cars looking to dip. Turn the tables on them so to speak. Like a new B Special gang under my control. We’ll police the police.
YOU DO REALISE YOU CANNOT LOWER TAXES? ONLY WESTMINSTER OR STORMONT CAN AFFECT THAT.
That’s what you think. Vote for me. Vote for change. Vote for standing up to the man.
OK. DO YOU THINK YOU CAN PULL IN ENOUGH VOTES TO OUST MOLLOY, MCGLONE AND FRAZER?
Them boys wouldn’t have the balls to attempt what I’m going to achieve if I get in. I’m proposing an extra day at the weekend, possibly moving Thursday between Friday and Saturday. The working week will be Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and then Friday. Mondays will also move between Tuesday and Wednesday once a month to give a four-day weekend of Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. You’d get some work done around the house that weekend and still have time for a game or two and a slap of pints. I’ll also be taking five minutes off the journey from Dungannon to Coalisland by allowing buses to fly down the Coalisland Road towards the Bush at any speed they want. I’m thinking of redesigning the graveyards in the constituency by adding spooky music at night in order to attract horror film producers etc. I’ve loads of great ideas like this boy. A tax on red-haired people and priests who take more than forty minutes for a mass.
WHAT ABOUT THE FLAGS ISSUE?
Pressed concrete flags don’t bother me. They’re great for hopscotch for the childer. Anyone tripping on flags just needs to watch where they’re walking.
HAVE YOU A CAMPAIGN MOTTO AND GAMEPLAN?
I’m going to give the people of Mid-Ulster an American-style experience. I’ll be using women in bikinis picked at random from the Dungannon swimming pool to flank me on road tours, probably in the Toyota Corolla shouting at Shinners or Stoops. I’m inviting Molloy to a head-to-head bare-knuckle boxing match down at the Washingbay to raise money for a badger crematorium in Stewartstown, powered by coal bought up at Cappers at Tamnamore. My motto is, “Vote McCloy X. He’ll buck it into them.”
Rock Rampart Riot Over Whether Mrs Brown’s Boys Was Funny.
The Rock, yesterday
The sleepy Tyrone village of the Rock was plunged into mayhem last night when rival gangs from Pomeroy and Cookstown clashed on a rampart just off the Rockdale Road.
Cudgels, shillelaghs and wet sods of turf were said to have been employed to settle a long-standing argument over the comical merit of the award-winning sitcom Mrs Brown’s Boys.
With Pomeroy fiercely in the no-camp, they faced stiff opposition from Cookstown locals who have recently started up a Mrs Brown Appreciation Society. Some were said to have attended the pre-arranged brawl dressed in the same garb as Mrs Brown herself. Eye-witness reports state that the Pomeroy nay-sayers came out slightly on top but that analysis is sternly denied by Cookstown Mrs Brown Society chairperson Jay Sheehy:
“1-0 til us I thought. Mrs Brown is the best comedy since Jasper Carrot. Them Pomeroy ones are so serious. Like, when was the last time you went there to see a pantomime? Their local primary school did a version of Schindler’s List for Christmas. Like for Jaysus sake. There were parents throwing up. This fighting has to stop and that will only be achieved when they lighten up a bit.”
The Pomeroy squad remained unrepentant:
“We fairly laid into them, boys,” claimed Fran Grimes. “I’ve seen funnier month’s minds that that shower of shite they call Mrs Brown’ Boys. I’m ashamed to be Irish so I am. It’s nearly worse than The Hole in the Wall Gang. Nearly. Seriously like, it’s Fr Ted in drag. Pre-historic lump of dung: Man with dress says ‘feck’; Drunken audience piss themselves laughing; repeat for half an hour. A friend of mine started to watch it, regretted it, couldn’t find the remote so attempted to burn his own house down. This is only the beginning too. The Glenavon and Greenvale are going to cut up rough this weekend over it. And that’s not a real audience I think. Just a pile of turkeys or something. “
Although the PSNI were aware of the arranged brawl, the decided to let the fight go ahead for ‘a bit of craic in the Rock’.
Cookstown Credit Union Workers Are County’s Heaviest Party-Goers
Cookstown CU in the Greenvale at the weekend
A recent survey carried out by the Matt Talbot Research Centre in Omagh has discovered that the staff at the Cookstown CU are the most likely workforce in the county to get completely blattered every weekend and every other day during the week. The infamous Strabane Bikers – ‘The Pissed Off Bastards of Bridge Street’ – are the most teetotal grouping, closely followed by the ‘Eskra Eucharistic Ministry Society’.
The news that the Credit Union in Cookstown came out top in the survey came as no surprise to customers who commented on the outlet’s reluctance to give out any loans at all on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays due to severe hangovers.
“Ah sure I’m not surprised one bit,” Seamie Sheehey told us. “Everyone knows that you haven’t a hope in hell of getting even a tenner on a Wednesday. They’d be awkward and call your bluff. You’d be asking for a lock of pound to ‘do the kitchen’ and they’d be saying ‘sure I was in your kitchen last week and there’s nothing wrong with it’. Yet on Thursday they’ll hand out a grand even if you only needed a ton to pay the parking fines. It’s a lottery, especially if they’ve been on two day benders. My mother asked for £2000 for a holiday in Portygal and even though she had £1500 savings in it, they told her it’d be more in her line to go to mass more often than to be galavanting around Faro.”
In second place were the clergy in Pomeroy who consume more wine in a year than the whole Basque region in northern Spain.
Out and About – Hopes For 2013
We took a scoot out to the market in Cookstown to collate the hopes and wishes for 2013.
“Wouldn’t it be great if ourselves and Augher finally put our differences behind us and mixed next year. At the church the Clogher ones still sit on one side and the Augher folk on the other. There’s no intermarrying. We drink stout; they stick to triple X. The brawls on the streets are now a daily occurrence. Let’s pray for peace and try to endure those fcukers for 12 months.” GERDY MCNABB, CLOGHER
“A good looking priest. We’ve been starved out here in Donemana of young virile clergy. In fact, the last PP was so old he still read in Latin. Someone like the boy out of The Thornbirds would be deadly. Get me up in the morning, hangover or none.” MARY MAGUIRE, DONEMANA
“Bring back hanging for cattle rustling and trespassing.” DAMIEN COYLE, PLUMBRIDGE
“The government to turn a blind eye to women who bate the shite clean out of their husbands. That lazy hoor of a man I have needs a quare hiding to get his arse into gear on a Saturday. Say, once a week would be great.” NOLEEN MURPHY, EDENDORK
“Women wearing less in and around the streets. There are women now with jumpers and coats on even in the summer. If the powers taxed the amount of clothing you wore, they’d be more inclined to wear loose blouses and skirts. I’m 88 but I’d make more of an effort to get out to the shops if the women would shed a few layers. Not the fat ones though.” CATHAL JACKSON, DONAGHMORE
“Mickey Harte to pick players from the south east of the county. What did we ever do on him eh? There’s talk that he ruined his motor driving at 60 down the Annaghmore Road during the 80s. Well, that’s what we deal with day in, day out. We all drive 1990s motors from Lithuania now. Don’t hold it agin us Mickey.” FRANCIE O’NEILL, DERRYTRESK
“The price of diesel to come down a bit in Castlecaulfield. Might as well hope to grow wings. Miserable bastards.” SUSIE FOSTER, CASTLECAULFIELD.
“A traffic warden in Coalisland. In fact, anyone official at all. Even a TV licence man. Just for the craic.” JUSTIN LAVERY, COALISLAND
“A gay bar in Kildress.” ANONYMOUS, KILDRESS
33 Stewartstown Motorists Fined For Picking Nose In Traffic
Suggested driving gear for Stewartstonians
Over thirty Stewartstown women and men were fined this evening on their way out the Lisnastrane Road following a PSNI sting on blatant public nose-picking motorists.
Labelled ‘Operation Neb’, the police service landed £30 on the spot fines to the wannabe Christmas shoppers within an age range of 17-81. The action was taken after a rash of complaints since the summer regarding the upsurge of loose-fingered drivers, especially those driving Astras. Superintendent Mark Delilah explained:
“We’d been inundated with complaints from Coalisland and Cookstown residents in recent months regarding the chain of nose-pickers winding their way towards their towns to do a bit of shopping. Children were being chased into houses or alleyways by protective parents for fear they’d catch a glimpse of this monstrous habit. We simply had to act. Intelligence operators told us the residents generally left their houses around 7pm after dinner. Hiding in the hedge, we saw the initial few cars weave their way towards Coalisland and sure enough the first few were hoking around their snouts. Without hesitation we pounced, nailing 33 motorists. Hopefully that is the warning shot Stewartstown needed.”
Amongst the offenders was 75 year old Frances Dillon, a retired knitting machine operator.
“I was picking me nasal passage because I thought you had to. Any motor making its way to Coalisland from Stewartstown would have someone cleaning out their sniffer. I just believed it was compulsory in order to smell the delightful spices around Annagher or the Lineside. I’ll not be paying the thirty quid. They can stick it.”
Stewartstown Residents Society are considering blocking the Lisnastrane Road tomorrow in a show of solidarity for the accused, especially Fergal Tennyson so was fined £60 for scratching his arse at the same time.
Obama For Ardboe. Secret Footage Found
The following video was forwarded to us by an anonymous emailer.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/13985364/obama-heads-for-ardboe
What’s On In Tyrone This Weekend – Nov 1st-2nd
COOKSTOWN
PARADE OF THE ELEPHANTS – Barney Eastwood and Jimmy Cricket lead the annual Parade of the Elephants at 10am Saturday morning. These fine creatures, 9 in total, live on the Tullhogue side of the town and are native to the area. They are a distant relative to the elephants you’d see in programmes about Africa and barely survived the hose pipe ban of 1995. Young children at risk from being excreted on so caution needs to be exercised.
COALISLAND/CLONOE LEAGUE FINAL
Edendork will witness the coming together of Coalisland and Clonoe people – a must-see event (Sat 2pm). The East Tyrone diaspora are a uniquely indigenous people, many of whom haven’t set foot out of a 15-mile radius of the area apart from going to Nutt’s Corner in the lead up to Christmas. Sit back and watch how they interact using one-syllable words. Witness their jeans and tucked-in jumpers – a real heart warmer. Observe how they manage to throw a pound into the turnstyle and get away with it by employing a pretend innocent ignorance that you had to pay in at all. Get there tomorrow before they start watching Friends and change.
OMAGH
Celebration of Polygamy. The marriage of one man and several women or one woman and several men, is prohibited in modern day Omagh, but only in the first weekend of December and must be terminated by St Stephen’s Day. The great Seamus McMahon, the oldest living functional man in Omagh, is said to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Sunday polygamy service starts at 4pm Sunday at Healy Park.
STRABANE
Baler Twine Belt Competition. Sunday 9am sees the inaugural baler twine belt event. Men and women will parade down the main street in their Sunday best with only baler twine holding up their modesty. Best twine judged by Hugo Duncan and Jimmy McGuinness.
Indoor-Bowling Brawl Splits Tyrone
An indoor bowling friendly between East Tyrone and West Tyrone ended acrimoniously with threats of drive-by shootings and all-out warfare hanging over the Red Hand bowling community. The annual charity match took place last night in Brocagh with the home side hotly favoured to emerge victorious according to suspicious betting patterns in Toals Bookmakers in Dungannon and Strabane. East Tyrone, with its rich indoor-bowling pedigree, started with an average age of 72 whilst relative newcomers West Tyrone presented a more youthful 66 year old average. The referee, Malcolm Turnbull from Lisnaskea, filed his report immediately before giving the following interview to our indoor bowling reporter:
“It was clear from the start that tensions were high. The West Tyrone side emerged onto the short mats to the tune of ‘The Hills Above Drumquin’ blasting from a ghetto-blaster on the shoulder of their captain, 69 year old Paddy Graham. They seemed psyched, obviously hurting from the previous 45 defeats. Not to be outdone, Masie Davidson herself sang ‘Brocagh Brae’ as she led the East crowd out. I feared the worst and so it turned out after the first end. Henry McCann from the Moy and John ‘Kib’ Foster of Gortin seemed to have their bowls equi-distance from the jack. McCann wasn’t in the mood for calling a draw on that one so the measuring tape was produced, showing it was actually Foster who was closest. That’s when it all kicked off.”
Reports from onlookers suggest that the remaining of the tie was played out with fiery slaggings between competitors filling the air. There were violent debates over the singing ability of Hugh Duncan v Eileen Donaghy, the acting prowess of Birdy Sweeney v Sam Neill, Canavan v McGuigan, Flann O’Brien v Nick Laird, Cookstown Sausages v Omagh Meats and Jerome Quinn v Adrian Logan. Words soon turned to slaps.
“It was when Hugh Morgan said Adrian Logan couldn’t lick Jerome Quinn’s microphone that I heard the slap. When I looked up Morgan was laying prone on the mat. It began to cut up rough. Within seconds, all I could see were walking sticks, dentures, wigs, commodes, vests, viagra, prune juice, wind chimes, magnifying glasses, hearing aids, laxatives, slippers, nice warm sweaters, stuffed animals, cinnamon rolls, jigsaw puzzles, yarn, cotton buds, incontinence pads and currant cake flying through the Brocagh air. It was a war scene. I just left them to it.”
The East Tyrone Bowling Society released a statement this morning saying although they regretted not finishing the game, the West Tyrone squad may sleep with one collective eye open at night. Witnesses in West Tyrone have confirmed that they are stocking up on ammunition tonight for an assault on the loughshore at the weekend.
West Tyrone captain and vice captain send a message to the East
Cookstown Face-Painter Ruins Intermediate Final
One of Cookstown’s most colourful characters, Anton McCaffrey, almost single-handedly ruined the Fr Rock’s finest day when he caused ‘untold distress’ to Eskra mothers during his face-painting service at the Intermediate final. McCaffrey admitted he’d had a skinful before the game down at Mulligan’s but believed he was still half-sensible enough to bring joy and mirth to the youngsters who attended the replayed decider. Setting up his stall at the far side of the Healy Park goals, well away from the majority of stewards, McCaffrey charged the children £5 for a face-painting of their choice, or £7.50 for the face and a packet of crisps. One Eskra mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, was shocked when her little Johnny returned to his seat:
“I knew something was up when I escorted Johnny over to the face-painting table. The artist was slumped over and appeared to be throwing up lightly under the table, cursing the weather. I also spotted a bottle of spirits which I initially thought was for cleaning purposes. When my lad returned, the stadium erupted into uncontrollable laughter. Johnny had asked for the face of Batman. What he got was simply thick black paint completely covering his head, back and front. All you could see were his big white eyes. He even painted his tongue black. He looked nothing like Batman. I paid £5 for this.”
Disgruntled customers
As other children slowly emerged back from the stall, the damage was unfolding. Young girls who had asked for a pussy-cat faces came back as grotesque devil-like creatures. One elderly supporter needed cardiac resuscitation after being tapped on the shoulder by a young boy painted as a grim reaper. He’d also been given a scythe. After a dozen children returned as demonic terrors or with just an X across their face, a now extremely intoxicated McCaffrey had resorted to just brushing a single thick stroke across the child’s face, in black mostly, before chasing them away with his strong Cookstown brogue ringing in their ears such as ‘now feck away off back til Eskra.’
Tyrone GAA reps are looking into it.
What’s On In Tyrone: Oct 20-21
COOKSTOWN
Wife-carrying competition. All participants must register in the field behind the convent. Women must be over 12 stone and fully clothed. Distance 400 metres. Winner receives a token for a pint in Mulligans as long as they buy another. Sunday 9am.
STRABANE
Sat, 4pm. Tar-Barrel Racing. This annual event involves people racing through the streets of the town, carrying flaming wooden barrels of burning tar on their backs. This ancient game has been a staple feature of Strabane life since 1888 when John McElhinney was convicted of stealing his neighbour’s underwear from her line and made to walk through the town carrying a tar barrel alight. Patron please take notice that there’ll be no medical facilities on offer.
BALLYGAWLEY
This weekend sees the return of Plough Sunday, a day when ploughmen traditionally blacken their faces with cow clap (or manure) and dance up and down the Whitebridge Road singing “Hickory Dickory Dock”. No one knows the origin of this but people flock from all over to see these strange customs. Stalls will be on display, showcasing homegrown Ballygawley produce such as grass, blackberries and sticks. Paudge Quinn will lead the dancing, heavily manured.
MOY
This Weekend In Tyrone
A guide to What’s on in Tyrone for the weekend Sat 6th – Sun 7th October:
Suckin Diesel Debut In Clubland
New Moortown band – Suckin Diesel – make their first public appearance in Cookstown tonight. Describing themselves as a mixture of Eileen Donaghy music rapper-style classical jazz, the loughshore boys use only tools they picked up in one of their da’s sheds. Paddy Quinn is lead singer and also plays the chisel. Francey Devlin is on empty crate, Mary Hagan is on hammer and hubcap whilst the joker of the pack, Red Harry O’Donnell plays the welding mask and spade. More Power To Your Elbow, move over! They will also perform in Cappagh beforehand (see below).
Pomeroy Train-Spotting Convention
Tomorrow sees the 19th annual PTSC extravaganza behind the Post Office in Pomeroy tomorrow morning at 8am sharp. Although no train has passed Pomeroy since the late 50s, fanatics still gather once a year with binoculars and sandwiches in case they catch a glimpse of one that was running late perhaps. For thrills and spills, come to Pomeroy tomorrow morning. No mention of the hill/mountain debacle allowed.
Seskinore Peter Canavan Lookalike Competition
Last year’s Canavan lookalike winner.
The third Canavan lookalike competition takes place in the parish hall in Seskinore tonight (9pm). Last year’s winner Harry Tully is a firm favourite to win it for the second time of asking. Last year’s victory was all the more surprising as Peter himself took part and only finished third. This year’s winner gets a pound of mince.
Cappagh World Record Attempt
This evening (7pm, chapel car park), Cappagh will have the Guinness World Record officials in the vicinity as Peter Hampsey attempts to suck the diesel from 40 cars in three minutes. Using just a bit of plastic piping and a bucket, he’ll attempt to drain over three dozen family vehicles by sucking the fuel and letting it low into the aforementioned container. Police are not welcome. Sucking Diesel will perform their hit record ‘Tramp On, Boss” during proceedings.
Derrylaughan Healing Weekend
Derrylaughan GFC are staging a weekend of healings and cures at their well-being centre on the edge of the lough. Using the powers of Lough Neagh and the mythical curing properties of the Holy River, organiser Dermot Brannigan claims all ailments are treated from bunions, verucas and facial warts to consumption, laziness and having quare notions. Entry is free and only a donation of £20 is required. All monies will be used to get water for the Holy River which dried up in 2001.
Tyrone Lonely Hearts Club Vol. 2
Moortown man, heavy drinker, 35. Seeks any type of woman, size not important, who’s interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Moortown St Malachy’s and has been known to start fights outside the Glenavon at three o’clock in the morning. Good arms for pouring a must.
Teetotal Stewartstown joiner, 55, following a sad recent loss seeks a replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie.
Augher man, 44, hideous looking, obese, bad odour, bad-tempered, cowardly and lazy. Seeks the complete opposite. No time-wasters.
Loughmacrory woman, 39, currently researching animal public executions, seeks man up to 40 for nights of gentle sobbing while shaking clenched fists at the ceiling. Must have own car.
Bitter unsuccessful Omagh woman, 41, wallowing in an unending pit of self-pity, seeks nerdy, leech-type who I can bore to tears with dull tales and listening to K.D. Lang CDs.
4-toed Mountjoy farmer, 51, likes spiders, buttermilk and a good long mass. Seeks chesty lesbian for the challenge. Must have no sense of smell.
Tall, well-built, frustrated Cookstown woman, 40, can’t take any more rejection, seeks man not unused to the sound of wailing coming from a bedroom from which he is strictly prohibited. Needs to tell me how attractive I am on the hour.
Angry, simple-minded Aghaloo widower, 77, balding, partially blind with a passion for pickles and scotch eggs. Seeks a heavily-tattooed hairy woman for nights of passion in the open fields of Aughnacloy. No freaks.
Omagh Woman, 35. Happily married until husband sponsored an African village goat in her name as a birthday gift. Would like to meet man for whom the phrase ‘I’d really like a pair of diamond earrings’ isn’t meant ironically. Must have holiday home in Donegal and Europe.
Coalisland/Clonoe Clergy Raring To Court Women
It has emerged today that the clergy in Coalisland and Clonoe are to descend on Cookstown tonight to gather vital information on how to court and woo women. Following the recent revelation that Jesus may have been married all along, the priests in the East Tyrone parishes are waiting for the green light from the Vatican to begin chasing women.
“This is great news”, Fr Niblock told us. “The news about Christ has changed everything. If it was good enough for Him, well, it’s only a matter of time before Pope Benny gives us the go-ahead to get stuck into the blades. Myself and a couple of newer priests are hitting Clubland tonight to see how it’s done. As you can imagine we’re rightly out of shape. I get very nervous if I look at a woman even from a great distance. Funny, we were practising on each other last night, chat up lines and that, and it was a disaster. We haven’t needed to approach women since we were 14 and back then you’d be acting the hard man and ask things like ‘are ye ridin?’ That won’t work now I’m sure. We all bought aftershave today.”
Ready to go on the rip
Local women in the Coalisland area welcomed the news that the local clergy will possibly provide a fresh market in what they describe as ‘cat area’ for finding a man. 22 year old Eilish Chambers pulled no punches:
“Let’s be honest. The boys in this area wouldn’t be the best now. If you’re approached by a lad from the Washingbay Road or the Stewartstown direction you can guarantee three things: He’ll smell of diesel and cattle, he’ll just grunt instead of talking like a normal human and he’ll attempt to carry you under his arm instead of hand-in-hand. I’m sick and tired of courting fellas from here who just talk of twin cams, diffing and bulling. These priests will seem like Hollywood stars. I’m sure they’ll be a bit raw at first but give them a couple of weeks and they’ll get the hang of us. I pray to God every night that the Pope gives them the nod.”
The police are on standby tonight outside the Glenavon area as a backlash is expected from single lads from the lowlands. Although the clergy will be in civvies, the Munchie Militia have issued a statement that anyone who even just looks holy will get a kicking.
Cookstown Man Doesn’t Like Sausages
Outrage and anger engulfed Cookstown last night after a 66-year-old man was heard to say he didn’t like sausages. The remarkable outburst occurred as an elderly woman sauntered past Sheehy’s Chippy on Sunday morning after visiting her uncle and overheard a discussion between a Brazilian tourist and local man Seamy Gas.
Mary Mulligan told us:
My hearing aid had been turned up as my 115-year old uncle can hardly speak, so I heard the whole lot. The foreign lad was asking if this was where George Best ate his sausages. Seamy shrugged his shoulders and I distinctly heard him say “sure how would I know, I hate the hoors”. He then gave him the middle finger.
As the man says….was Bestie wrong?
Mulligan told anyone she met for the remainder of the journey of what happened, even knocking on the doors of families she didn’t know. Within an hour, up to 1000 men, women and children formed a mob and stormed through the centre of the town holding lighted blackheads and carrying banners with slogans such as ‘sausages are deadly’ or ‘you’re fuckin dead meat, Seamy’.
Late last night Mr Gas was holed up in his flat outside the Greenvale with over 5000 protesters gathered on his lawn and back field. The police refused to intervene with one PSNI constable telling us, “you reap what you sow. He has made his own bed. If there’s a riot, there’s a riot”. Mr Gas’s lawyer has issued a statement claiming Mrs Mulligan heard it wrong and that Mr Gas will eat a whole plate of sausages in the town square to appease the locals.
Tyrone Tribulations 