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Brackaville Plumber On Strike Until Wife Stops Spending All The Money In Newell Stores
A likely scenario in Brackaville today
A Brackaville plumber, John McCann, has downed his tools and embarked on a 7-day strike until his wife stops spending their money on ‘stupid things’ in the new Newell Stores in Coalisland. The self-employed 59-year old also hit out at customers who say they’ll pay him the next day they see him and then duck for cover for up to a year afterwards. McCann denies he’s having a meltdown and prefers to say he’s taking a stand on a range of matters:
“That bloody woman. I go out and do a job, get a lock of pounds, throw it on the table, jump in the shower and come down only to find she has disappeared. On returning she’d have bought something stupid like screw bulbs or AAA batteries that were on offer in the Newell Stores even though we’re not short of them. I’m sick of it. That new shop will ruin us. All they have to do is slap a £1 sticker on something and it’ll end up on our table. Like, five Turkish Delight yesterday. Who the hell eats that? I’m officially on strike now. We’ll see how she likes that.”
McCann also hit out at the miserly nature of the majority of his customers in the greater Coalisland area:
“That’s another thing. You’d get an emergency call to fix a burst pipe and I’m there in minutes. On finishing the job you’ll see the customer patting the front of his trousers and then the back pockets and you know what’s coming. He’ll say he has nothing on him at the minute but that someone will throw a few pounds down to the house later on. For the next twelve months i’ll see them in the distance walking around the town. As soon as they set eyes on me they’ll throw themselves into the first pub or shop they see. I did nine jobs this week and got paid for one, and even that was a fiver a Coalisland pensioner threw me for installing a new shower. A fiver! I don’t care if every house in Brackaville and the ‘Island is flooded next week as I’m not answering the phone.”
Worried locals are considering a benefit concert for McCann to get him back to work but have warned professional musicians that they’ll be getting paid with ‘those wee sticks for lighting the fire’ and that any money made from the concert will not necessarily go directly to McCann.
Aughnacloy Building Firm Admit To Using Frozen Trifle Instead Of Bricks
The future?
Gildernew’s Building Supplies have admitted that they attempted to cut costs by using frozen trifle and jelly to build a new estate out the Monaghan Road last year. Suspicions were raised when house-owner Kieran Copney noticed his children licking the walls more often than what would be usual in South Tyrone. After further investigation, the Copneys discovered other shortcuts had been made in a desperate attempt by Gildernew’s men to save money during these times of austerity.
”Holy God. Bricks made of trifle. Have you ever heard of that before? Only in Aughnacloy. To give them their credit they seem to have made a quare job of freezing it permanently and soothing out any wobbliness. And in the summer time there was a gentle whiff of whipped cream and custard which disguised any natural wind breakage from the wife and children. But, they could have told us like. The cement seems to be made from porridge and Ready Brek too.”
Building Control have made further investigations into the affair and released some startling discoveries:
”After a thorough investigation, it appears that some of the rafters in the attics were made from solid French loaves, filled with some kind of polyfill. Many of the windows were plastic with cling-film over it to give off a sparkly kind of look. It was some job.”
Gildernew’s issued a statement today defending their choice of building materials, even going on the offensive regarding other dubious practices from rival firms.
”If those children hadn’t started licking all the walls, familes on the Monaghan Road would’ve lived in domestic bliss without knowing the truth. Now they’re expecting an interior wall to start wobbling at any moment. It’s all psychological. This sort of practice has been going on for years. I know of a B&Q out near Omagh that sold sheds made out of out-of-date tortillas. There’s a housing estate in Coalisland made from liquorice.”
Tyrone Estate Agents April Catalogue Top Offers
Washingbay Road, Coalisland
This excellent 7 bedroom detached two storey dwelling with missing double garage is located on the hiving Washingbay Road, approximately half a mile from the busy lights of Coalisland and far enough from Stewartstown. There is the option to purchase an additional 2 acres of unrelated black-turfed bogland in Derrylaughan. The property is in close proximity of both Coalisland and Clonoe GAA pitches, multi-denominational churches with Fr Benny’s sermons a local must-do experience, Landi’s, Springisland carvery, the former sandpit I think and scenic routes rambling across the ramparts to Derrytresk to find the bag-wielding woman, South Tyrone Hospital for plasters, Dr McKenna’s surgery and the Brackaville 9-hole deluxe Golf Course. The property needs some renovation and will undoubtedly attract a huge amount of interest and would make an excellent family home for people from Brocagh or the Windmill.
Offers over £175,000
Neagh’s Edge, Ardboe
Bright and spacious, needs window panes and a bit of residential roofing help, this detached family home offers excellent accommodation with panoramic views over the Lough. The property offers excellent family accommodation with four well proportioned walls and all the outside toilet you want. A master bedroom en-suite has yet to be completed as no one knows what that is. Viewing is essential to fully appreciate this magnificent home and the surrounding views and privacy. Local phrase book ‘Ghost-Oh’ will help non-local buyers. Shouts from the Battery Bar usually dies down at midnight, as soon as the first bare-knuckler hits the deck. Please use a face-netting device to ward off midges on viewing. Comes with free fishing rod.
Offers over £80’000
Merchanstown Road, Loughmacrory
This superb detached 4 bedroom bungalow is situated approximately 1 mile from the Village of Loughmacrory and 12 feet into the air, supported by stilts. Internally the property is finished to a very high standard and most be viewed to be fully appreciated. Great parking facilities. Burglar-proof and a great deterrent to boys selling tickets for Omagh GAA. The recent million-pound sports deal in Loughmacrory will see this property turn to gold-dust as a rental opportunity for Ethiopian long-distance runners, Canadian curlers and the like. Get on the Loughmacrory market NOW!
Offers over £45’000
Sessiadonaghy Road, Galbally
This generous 1 acre site has unrestricted planning permission and is located on the Sessiadonaghy road, approximately 4 miles from the village of Donaghmore, far enough to avoid tuts of middle-class displeasure. Needs to be viewed internally if possible to understand the character that once existed in this ex-brothel amidst rural Galbally. Local priest is nearly sure this once-haunted dwelling is now clean. The fallen tree is optional.
Offers over £30 or E50
Coalisland Navvies Built Stonehenge 3000 Years Ago To Get Women, New Book Claims
The Island Men Built This By Mistake
A recent addition to the prehistoric monument library in London’s chief library has claimed that a group of Coalisland lads over looking for work in England 3000 years ago built the Stonehenge construction after another unsuccessful night out chasing the local women whilst most likely drinking ether or absinthe. Why the Fianna labourers built the monument is still open to interpretation although expert archeologist Dr Fredrick Winston OBE has put forward a couple of hypotheses:
“Firstly, let us acknowledge these brave innovators from Coalisland who came over here to lay down a few roads over 3000 years ago. Having arrived here they probably realised that roads hadn’t been invented yet nor train tracks for that matter. It’s a likely scenario that they decidhed to stay in England for the time being before making the long trek back to Coalisland by foot, a journey lasting 133 days. Personally, I believe they decided to built some kind of construction, hoping to entice the local women with their labouring skills. They definitely were not some kind of Pagans or spiritual hippies. Just after a bit of skirt I think. They appear to have erected coarse load-bearing walls with the intention of adding the plasterboard later. What went wrong we cannot ascertain but it’s likely they just gave up the ghost what with the effects of hardened drinking and simply threw up a few long irregular stones to act as ceilings. “
A group of Coalisland Historical Committee members have put in place plans to finish off what their forefathers started and build some kind of courting court or brothel that the original planners probably intended to do. The British Archeological Society will receive notification of their idea later in the week. Timmy Herron is confident they’ll get the green light.
“It’d be a crying shame if they don’t let us finish off the whorehouse, like. We in Coalisland have a long history of building things. Eastern Building Supplies recently built the outhouse around the back of the Cohannon Inn and anyone who has used the toilet there says it’s a great job and you can do your business in comfort.”
The book – “The Crazy Womanizing ‘Island Navvies Weren’t Hippies At All” will be on sale next year some time.
Newell Stores Creating 150 Jobs In Coalisland – One Man Not Happy
The cat that went for Thornton
Despite the general excitement in the greater Coalisland area that the new supertmarket, Newell Stores, is to create a rake of jobs for people on the dole, Pedro ‘The Deballer’ Thornton took to the street this morning to campaign against the latest addition to the Coalisland retail landscape. Thornton, 59, maintains he wanted a job there too but his back was too sore for sweeping or doing shelves. After arranging a meeting with the owners to discuss other options, Thornton left in disgust after being told the only job left was to lick stamps:
“I used to be big news around here. I neutered cats for 25 years for everyone within a 10-mile radius. Even the Yellow Pages had me as ‘Mr Deballer, Coalisland’. I was a celebrity, like, and had no bother with getting the women because of it.”
Pedro had to give up the neutering business after he had the face scratched off him by a continental large cat as he attempted to neuter the beast which was imported during the International Festival. He claims he will not degrade himself by becoming the supermarket stamp licker:
“I had to take a couple of years off after the stress of that big bastard clawing away at my choppers like. My good looks never really returned and I think that’s why I’m not getting jobs anymore. There are worse looking people than me in management positions. Fair enough, the empty eye socket and missing nose might frighten the young’uns but after a while they become less scared. I’m not buckin licking stamps though. Imagine the slagging down in O’Neills I’d be getting about being an ‘oul lick’ or ‘gluey tongue scratch-the-face himself’. I’ll campaign here for a day or two just against the store as long as it’s not too cold.”
Thornton says he’ll not give up on finding employment though and has turned his hand to freak show performances for an illegal Croatian circus in Dungannon, calling himself ‘The Deballing Demon‘ as he attempts to neuter lions.
Brackaville Husband and Wife Still Arguing The Bit Out. Record Broken.
McAlindens arguing about wheaten bread
A Brackaville couple have set a Guinness World Record after a non-stop arguing session lasting nine days, breaking the previous record set in Brazillia in 1985. Felix and Marjorie McAlinden began arguing two weeks ago after Felix’s failure to bring home wheaten bread from the shops in Coalisland for the second time in a month. In a straw that broke the camel’s back, neighbours maintain that Marjorie let rip on Felix with an outpouring of grief encompassing incidents as far back as their honeymoon in Omeath 15 years ago. Next door neighbour, Gerry Turtle, says he heard the whole thing from the beginning.
“Before the wheaten incident, they seemed like the ideal couple. It was all smiles and hand-holding – something you don’t see a lot of in East Tyrone to be honest. Then, when Felix brought back the milk and firelighters but no wheaten, all hell broke loose. The walls are thin here. I could hear her tapping the table and then quietly, at first, saying “you good for nothing oul bollocks. That’s twice since Christmas. Wheaten f**kin bread. Milk, firelighters and wheaten f**kin bread.” It went on in that vein all night. It was savage stuff altogether, much worse than that couple in Fr Ted.”
The Brackaville community have welcomed the news, claiming one over Coalisland whose only world record was in 1982 when a young lad was judged to look the most like Shakin Stevens. Avid walker Pauline Herron told us:
“You should see the looks of the ‘Island ones. They won’t even talk to us now just because the McAlindens have put Brackaville on the world map. Shakin Stevens knows where he can shove it.”
Having been told by the Guinness company that they were now the record holders, the McAlindens ignored the accolade and continued to argue about Facebook and the fact that Marjorie keeps making Felix look at pictures of babies he doesn’t know.
Local Anger At Oscar Snub For Coalisland Thespian
Farrell in ‘Dig Her Up’
Tensions were electric in Coalisland at the tail end of the week after it emerged that local stage expert Jim Farrell was overlooked in the Academy Award nominations for 2013 for best actor. Despite coming up against competition from Daniel Day Lewis and Denzel Washington, Farrell was convinced that his portrayal of ‘Dinger Campbell’ in Dig Her Up (the story of an ex-UDR man who settles in Coalisland and convinces the locals to dig up the rich coal resting under Annagher leading to great riches for the town but succumbs to a bout of consumption which was lying dormant in the pits since the 1920s) was enough to at least earn a nomination never mind lift the damn thing itself.
“Ah what do you expect from them Yanks. They’ve never wanted a Coalisland man about the place. My father used to tell me about his father who was headhunted by Hollywood producers ever since his take on Jesus in the Primate Dixon’s nativity play reached global news. They flew him over to Amerikay but as soon as they heard his accent he was ostracised. And these were the days of silent movies. Same with me. The Tyrone Times said my performance was ‘unusual, unforgettable and jaw-dropping‘. The Ulster Herald said, ‘his performance was fine – I could hardly tell he had a stutter at all.’ What more does the Academy want? Just because I haven’t checked into an addiction clinic or had follicles from my bollocks transferred to my head shouldn’t exclude me from getting recognition from the world’s theatrical critics. Bastards the lot of them.”
Supporters of Farrell’s work have said they’ll block the road from Coalisland to Dungannon tonight in protest, probably for a lock of minutes around midnight. On a brighter note, Farrell has promised to make his debut as a leading actress in June when he plays ‘Susie McIntyre’ in Balls To That (a young Edendork girl decides to spend her summer holidays in Downings instead of Bundoran and has a romance with a billiard-playing ex-priest) which will screen in Aughnacloy, Beragh and Newmills.
Brocagh Man Fights Shark In Roughan Lough. No Witnesses.
Artist’s impression of Davidson and Roughan shark
A Brocagh bulb-fitter, Dessie Davidson, yesterday claimed to have beaten off a ‘baste of a shark’ during a charity swim on St Stephen’s Day in Roughan Lough, just outside Newmills. Roughan officials are now investigating the incident and have warned people not to take to the lough unless they feel confident of beating a shark in a scuffle. Davidson, 46, was reportedly shaken up after the incident but has since managed to calm his nerves with an ‘unmerciful feed of stout’.
“Jays it was deadly like. I was swimming away, raising money for the new Mountjoy Donkey Sanctuary, when I felt a presence behind me. I turned and before I knew it I was in a full blown fist-fight with this shark. I don’t think it was local. It was pummelling away with its big leathery fins but I was giving it as good as I got. It was like punching leather at times and I could hear the yelps out of it after I dished out an uppercut or kidney punch. We both drew blood but it swam off first so I’d say I got the better of it. It was a traumatic experience and I’ve been on the batter since. I don’t think it was a swan. Nearly sure about that.”
Although there were no witnesses, Newmills knitting expert Greta Gordon (88) contacted the BBC last night to relate the story of being attacked by a dragon in the grounds of the castle last year during the Chinese New Year festivities. Roughan Castle Security Officals remain sceptical about the incident and maintain it could be Harry Campbell from Brackaville larking about in the shark costume he said he was getting for Christmas.
“No one has been beheaded in the castle since 1641. However, that could change if we find out Davidson was full drunk at the time and just got tangled up in seaweed,” claimed Lough manager Sir William Churchbottom.
He also announced that you can buy ‘I saw the Roughan shark’ mugs and tshirts up at the lough from today.
33 Stewartstown Motorists Fined For Picking Nose In Traffic
Suggested driving gear for Stewartstonians
Over thirty Stewartstown women and men were fined this evening on their way out the Lisnastrane Road following a PSNI sting on blatant public nose-picking motorists.
Labelled ‘Operation Neb’, the police service landed £30 on the spot fines to the wannabe Christmas shoppers within an age range of 17-81. The action was taken after a rash of complaints since the summer regarding the upsurge of loose-fingered drivers, especially those driving Astras. Superintendent Mark Delilah explained:
“We’d been inundated with complaints from Coalisland and Cookstown residents in recent months regarding the chain of nose-pickers winding their way towards their towns to do a bit of shopping. Children were being chased into houses or alleyways by protective parents for fear they’d catch a glimpse of this monstrous habit. We simply had to act. Intelligence operators told us the residents generally left their houses around 7pm after dinner. Hiding in the hedge, we saw the initial few cars weave their way towards Coalisland and sure enough the first few were hoking around their snouts. Without hesitation we pounced, nailing 33 motorists. Hopefully that is the warning shot Stewartstown needed.”
Amongst the offenders was 75 year old Frances Dillon, a retired knitting machine operator.
“I was picking me nasal passage because I thought you had to. Any motor making its way to Coalisland from Stewartstown would have someone cleaning out their sniffer. I just believed it was compulsory in order to smell the delightful spices around Annagher or the Lineside. I’ll not be paying the thirty quid. They can stick it.”
Stewartstown Residents Society are considering blocking the Lisnastrane Road tomorrow in a show of solidarity for the accused, especially Fergal Tennyson so was fined £60 for scratching his arse at the same time.
Coalisland Crowd Storm Brackaville Demanding Removal Of Flag
A tense Brackaville, earlier.
Inspired by the goings on at the City Hall in Belfast earlier in the week, a group calling themselves the Coalisland Restoration Appreciation Party (CRAP) have stormed the Brackaville Social Club tonight, demanding that the Brackaville Owen Roes flag hanging from the guttering is removed before Monday morning or they ‘take her down’ themselves. CRAP spokesman, Jab Herron, claimed they were willing to tolerate the flying of the flag in the midst of the local club’s failed assault on the Ulster title but now that it was at an end, there was no reason to keep it up.
“It’s bloody ridiculous. Brackaville is really the outskirts of Coalisland. We call it inner-city Coalisland where the shanty town type families scrape together a living by doing odd jobs like collecting golf balls. Now and again we do tours out to Brackaville for the Primate Dixon ones to show them what happens if you don’t do your sums and learn the english. Recently, we discovered that a few Brackaville residents were making forays into Coalisland under the cover of darkness. They were probably drinking the slops in bars or hanging around the back of Landi’s for scraps. We need to be vigilant about that. However, this flag flying craic must stop. Sometimes we have to travel through Brackaville to get to other places. We don’t need to see those dirty flags goading us. Provocation, all from a movement to follow a team bate by a river in Armagh.”
Brackaville Disaster Fund spokesman, Harry Gillis, sees it differently.
“Them fcukers would paint over us if they could. We are Brackaville. We are a people. This great run that the Owen Roes lads performed was a real lift for the community. Ok, we’ve had to start us a disaster fund to cover the expenses of every family in Brackaville heading to the final last week, but we can survive without tourism from the Island. We have the golf course and a lock of other lads doing stuff like welding. Them hoors are just jealous that we had Sean McNally, probably the best footballer in Tyrone ever after Iggy Jones. We shall not be moved. The flag stays. No surrender.”
CRAP have given Brackaville 48 hours to comply or they will dam Barrack Street, cutting off vital supplies like soda bread and the Irish News.
Coalisland Man Says He’ll ‘Take The Head Clean Off’ Early Merry Christmas Wishers
Kerr has no time for this blade
A likeable Coalisland photographer, Olly Kerr, has threatened the rest of the town with the ultimate revenge if they are heard to wish him or anyone else a Merry Christmas, or even talk about the festive period, before December the 18th.
Kerr, known for his charitable acts and friendly banter, appears to have snapped early this year, pasting notices of the threat outside most retail businesses in the area.
The notice, in shaky red writing, reads:
“I hereby announce that anyone mentioning the word ‘Merry’ and ‘Christmas’ in the same sentence in the vicinity of my presence will leave the same company with their head taken clean off them, before December 18th. Signed Olly Kerr.”
An agitated Kerr has since told us:
“I’d like to add a bit to that earlier statement. I’d want to inform all shop owners or public houses in the greater Coalisland area that if I walk in and hear that Mariah Carey shite ‘All I Want For Christmas’ blasting out, all they’ll want for Christmas is new stock because I’ll fooking wreck the joint. I’m serious about this. I’ve already smashed my sister’s 50 inch HD TV to smithereens after that ‘Holidays Are Coming’ Coke advert came on during Countdown. I don’t apologise for my actions. Coalisland is the perfect place to live 11 months of the year. You can miserably dander around the town knowing everyone else is as miserable as you. Then people lose the run of themselves for a month and pretend they’re happy whilst being crippled with burgeoning debt and preparing for a harrowing, hard and hungry January. Well, not on my patch. You’ll just hear the slap.”
Kerr has already clipped a hapless schoolboy for whistling Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer on his way to school up the Brackaville Road last week. Young Harry Gervin (8) says a semi-naked Kerr came running out of his house ‘like some mad demented buffalo’ and gave him an accurate skite across the earhole, having heard the whistling from his opened window in the upstairs bathroom.
Meanwhile, the PSNI’s application to turn on the Coalisland Christmas lights this year will be heard by the Town Committee tonight at 9:00pm. The meeting will end at 9:02pm.
Coalisland Man Caught Duping Doctor. High Blood Pressure Fraud.
O’Neill’s reading broke records
A Coalisland ex-barrister, Javier O’Neill, is in police custody tonight having been caught fooling the local doctor into claiming for incapacity benefit since 2008. O’Neill (56), officially ‘off on the sick’ at the time, was unveiled as a fraudster after the suspicious doctor admitted he had resorted to setting up CCTV cameras around the town to follow Javier’s movements. Dr Laverty told us:
“I hadn’t slept for weeks thinking about this man. He’d come in to the surgery once a month with a blood pressure reading completely off the scale. It was something like 300/200. In the history of medicine, a reading like this had never been recorded. Add to that, his pulse rate was 180 at resting point. No matter what dosage of tablets I put him on, he’d come back with the same readings. It was either a miracle or this boy O’Neill was a freak of science. Even if you had the weight of the world’s problems on your shoulders, you wouldn’t have these readings. This man should have been dead long ago.”
Doctor Laverty travelled the length and breadth of the planet in order to show off the Coalisland man’s readings to medical experts. Unable to find an answer and with the cream of the medical world asking to descend on Tyrone to witness this man in action, Laverty set up a couple of CCTV cameras around the town to capture O’Neill in his daily routine. Nothing showed up until the day of his appointment.
“I was about to admit defeat when I check the cameras just before his arrived. Suddenly I noticed Javier sprinting from the top of Platers Hill to the bottom, half an hour before the appointment. Then he’d run back up again. He did this 7 times in total, a remarkable feat for a 56 year old man. He’d then wipe the sweat from his brow, settle himself and come in for the appointment. That explains the reading. I did always smell sweat but that’d be typical of a Coalisland resident.”
His incapacity benefit of £500 a week was immediately stopped today and other high blood pressure cases are being looked into.
Coalisland/Clonoe Clergy Raring To Court Women
It has emerged today that the clergy in Coalisland and Clonoe are to descend on Cookstown tonight to gather vital information on how to court and woo women. Following the recent revelation that Jesus may have been married all along, the priests in the East Tyrone parishes are waiting for the green light from the Vatican to begin chasing women.
“This is great news”, Fr Niblock told us. “The news about Christ has changed everything. If it was good enough for Him, well, it’s only a matter of time before Pope Benny gives us the go-ahead to get stuck into the blades. Myself and a couple of newer priests are hitting Clubland tonight to see how it’s done. As you can imagine we’re rightly out of shape. I get very nervous if I look at a woman even from a great distance. Funny, we were practising on each other last night, chat up lines and that, and it was a disaster. We haven’t needed to approach women since we were 14 and back then you’d be acting the hard man and ask things like ‘are ye ridin?’ That won’t work now I’m sure. We all bought aftershave today.”
Ready to go on the rip
Local women in the Coalisland area welcomed the news that the local clergy will possibly provide a fresh market in what they describe as ‘cat area’ for finding a man. 22 year old Eilish Chambers pulled no punches:
“Let’s be honest. The boys in this area wouldn’t be the best now. If you’re approached by a lad from the Washingbay Road or the Stewartstown direction you can guarantee three things: He’ll smell of diesel and cattle, he’ll just grunt instead of talking like a normal human and he’ll attempt to carry you under his arm instead of hand-in-hand. I’m sick and tired of courting fellas from here who just talk of twin cams, diffing and bulling. These priests will seem like Hollywood stars. I’m sure they’ll be a bit raw at first but give them a couple of weeks and they’ll get the hang of us. I pray to God every night that the Pope gives them the nod.”
The police are on standby tonight outside the Glenavon area as a backlash is expected from single lads from the lowlands. Although the clergy will be in civvies, the Munchie Militia have issued a statement that anyone who even just looks holy will get a kicking.
New Public Toilet For Newtownstewart
Horns were blaring through the historic village of Newtownstewart tonight after the Tyrone County Council (TCC) announced they have granted permission to erect a public toilet in the centre of the Main Street. In the second of its kind in Tyrone, the TCC hope it will bring tourists to the hamlet and give the locals something to be proud of.
“We want the Newtownstewart people to puff their chests with pride when they see a foreigner stopping off to do their business in the toilet”, said TCC spokesperson Audi Pyper. “It’s a state of the art facility with velvet toilet roll, a flush that you hardly hear from the outside and these hand driers that blow air onto your hands. Call me crazy but I can envisage people from as far as Strabane coming here for a rattle at it.”
The Coalisland toilet debacle, May 2012.
The TCC will be keeping a close eye on the lavatory after the failed experiment in Coalisland earlier this year. A £10 million toilet was opened in the East Tyrone town but only one person managed to have a go on it. The celebrations were so wild after the first successful attempt at a flush that hundreds of frenzied locals began ripping the thing apart, in sheer excitement. It was only afterwards, when they looked at the rubble, that they realised what they’d done. Newtownstewart Lord Mayor Mary Murray told us that no such scenes will be repeated on her patch.
“I can assure the public that this toilet will stand the test of time. Anyone who gets too excited after the first successful usage and flush will be shot, no warning. Also, after the first roll of toilet roll is done, users will be asked to provide their own toilet roll or docken leaves. Anyone who blocks the toilet because of an unusually big stool will be banned, permanently.”
Schools in the area have begun an essay competition to see who will have first go on the new toilet, entitled “I’m Right To Have A Shite”.
Edendork Family Had a ‘Decent Summer’
A respected Edendork family yesterday claimed to have had a “decent summer altogether at home, boys” amid confusing scenes outside the Dungannon Jobs and Benefits Office in Dungannon. The remarkable admission left fellow ‘Dorks perplexed and doubtful of their honesty following the 22nd horrible holiday season in a row in the townland and surrounding areas.
Summer was tough in Edendork
Mr McAnoy, a retired butcher and avid kite flyer, told his fellow jobseekers that he’d had enough of God and the climate and decided to take on the Irish weather head-to-head.
“We were looking out the window every morning and sure it was lashing down. We’d send the children (six daughters, 2 sons) out into the rain anyway but sure they were miserable just standing there quietly in the field, drenched, crying and too cold to move. After the third bout of pneumonia we decided to take matters into our own hands.”
Jim McAnoy came up with the genius plan to throw the whole lot into the car and drive to where it wasn’t raining, within a twenty mile radius of Edendork. Although the mileage was astronomical over time, McAnoy claims a great time was had by all.
“There were days we’d only have to go as far as Coalisland to beat the rain-clouds for a few minutes. If the wind wasn’t too bad, I’d overtake the clouds no bother. As soon as we’d reach the Lineside, out would come the beach balls, deck chairs, lotion and sandwiches. It was great craic. I admit there were times when we’d just got the stuff out of the boot and it’d be pishing down again which would result in a massive row between myself and herself and long periods of silence in the motor but there were fleeting moments of happiness.”
McAnoy claims the highlights included reaching Cabragh and it not raining for 25 minutes. In that time, they managed to fit in an ice cream, a game of Monopoly and had stripped off to their trunks before the heavens opened.
“I’m proud that the children can go back to the school and write the essay ‘What I did In The Summer’ with confidence and pride now. That is, apart from Tom and Catherine who are still recuperating from the early onset of arthritis. We’ll probably go to Peru next year though”
Brackaville Woman Gives Husband Pasta
Brackaville, an outer-Coalisland nether region that most people just drive through, was awash with rumour last night that one of their favourite sons didn’t get his Kerr’s Pinks after work. Patsy Rea, an aged Brackaville labourer, was expecting his daily dose of potatoes, cabbage and bacon but was reportedly furiously enraged to be faced with a plate of curly pasta and a mild salsa sauce. In an attempt to ‘get with the times’, his wife Maisie dished out the unique meal shortly after the Angelus on the wireless, having watched ‘one of them cooking programmes’ on RTE earlier in the day.
“Ask any man”, Rea told us, “and he’ll tell you that all a brickie thinks about from 3pm onwards is the big feed a spuds. It’s what keeps ye going. Like today I was digging a hole again. I’ve been digging the same hole for three months now. To come home after that and to have to look at this oul hatchet-faced bitch is one thing but then to be presented some some kind of foreign shite on a plate. Well, no man could take that.”
Patsy Rea on the rampage
Neighbours reported that Rea went into a frenzied rage through all the gardens in the estate, pulling trees and plants out by the root and shouting obscenities directed at his wife and life in general.
“I was frightened at first”, one neighbour told us. “We had just sat down to watch The One Show after a tremendous gorge of Greek spuds. Out of the side of my eye I saw my wife’s prize dahlias soaring through the sky. I headed out to give Patsy a good hiding until he told me about the pasta. Sure it’s like a death in the family. I couldn’t even imagine his resentment and I can tell you now – I’d completely wreck Brackaville and half of Coalisland if I was given a plate of that shit.”
Rea eventually calmed down and ate the pasta, claiming afterwards that “it wasn’t bad.”
Clonoe Girl Sparks Security Alert
An 11-year old Clonoe pupil almost single-handedly suspended Stormont and left the Peace Process in tatters after writing an essay on her first day at St Joseph’s Secondary School in Coalisland. In an initiative to help soften attitudes towards the police in the area, the PSNI were invited to judge an essay-writing contest on day one of the 2012/2013 school year. Entitled ‘My House’, Maire McClure thought she’d a good chance of clinching the award only to be whisked away by the officers in attendance in an armor-plated jeep.
The Tyrone Tribulations office were able to get a photocopy of the first few sentences.
“Hello, my name is Maire McClure. I live in a terrorist house. All the houses around me are terrorist houses. All my friends live in terrorist houses too. My father says he was brought up in a terrorist house and will die in one too as it’s all he knows. Most of Clonoe live in terrorist houses.”
It wasn’t until the Deputy First Minister arrived on the scene that the incident was finally resolved. Maire’s mother quietly intimated to Martin McGuinness that young Maire was a chronic speller and was actually commenting on her ‘terraced’ house and surrounding houses of similar build. Maire’s father and neighbours were released without charge and Maire pledged to stay behind for the rest of the week to get extra help.
Artist’s impression of Clonoe
Coalisland Chase Crows To Derrytresk
The conundrum surrounding the crow epidemic in Derrytresk has been resolved with the revelation that Coalisland locals have been chasing crows at night towards the loughshore wetlands.
An unnamed source broke ranks from the Coalisland Crow Cull (CCC) and informed us that the town’s clergy were finding it hard to sleep late into the morning due to the squawking from the enormous crow population feeding on scraps from the chips lying outside the town’s fast-food outlets from the previous night.
Mr H told us:
“The PP approached a group of us just standing on the Lineside smoking pot and asked if we’d like to get to heaven without question, as well as an immediate clean soul in terms of past misdemeanours. We all jumped at the instant redemption. He said we just needed to shoo the crows towards Derrytresk so that they could get a good night’s sleep. It was too good to be true and deadly easy. Sure we’re up all night anyways stoned out of our heads.”
Derrytresk, an hour ago.
Mr H managed to round up 400 other Coalisland layabouts, linking arms across a quarter of a mile radius and slowly marched towards the direction of Derrytresk, chasing the crows. After 14 consecutive nights of slow progression towards the Washingbay Road, the CCC had completely eliminated all crows from the Coalisland area with the clergy now happily rising around midday each morning and young lads completely absolved from all previous misdemeanors.
The Derrytresk locals are up in arms over this leaked information but are unable to leave their houses due to the amount of crow shite on the ground.
Tyrone Tribulations 