Monthly Archives: April 2013
Moy Accordion Player Admits To Being Way Out Of His Depth During Session With Eglish Band
Sharkey, before the Polka
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
An inexperienced session musician has admitted to being way out his comfort zone during a session at Tomney’s in the Moy on Monday night. Noel Sharkey, 78, of Gorestown Road had been touted as the best musician to come out of The Moy since Ryan Kelly after he won the tin whistle solo in P7 playing Roddy McCorley at the Dungannon Feis in 1941.
“It was cat” said Sharkey, still shaken by the experience. “It was all going fine to start with. The Eglish crowd let me play alongside them and we were doing Nancy Spain. Nice and easy on the fingers. And then the man on the fiddle decided to up it with Phil the Fluter’s Ball. To make it worse he started tearing away, getting faster and faster. Flip, like there wasn’t enough pressure with all the Moy regulars willing me on without the rest of those lads playing like the clappers and me trying to keep up. I think the fiddler must have smelt the fear off me, the oul Eglish bollocks. I was doing my best but by the time he started onto the Kerry Polka, I just shut my eyes and hoped everyone would think I was really into the session, but to be honest I was just praying it would stop and the sweat was blinding me anyway. At one point I thought my hands were going to fall off. Even the boy on the bodhran seemed to be doing okay, and you know what them lot are like.”
Fortunately, Sharkey had the presence of mind to create a diversion.
“I started throwing in the odd ‘yeooo!’ and ‘hup!’ at the top of my voice like I was mad into it. I saw Christy Moore do it once with the Dubliners on You Tube and thought it was class. Come to think of it, maybe Christy was struggling to keep up as well. He was certainly doing plenty of sweating”.
As the Polka finished, Noel pretended he’d consumed a bad pint, lifted his accordion, made his excuses and headed home. Looking back on the evening Sharkey commented, “Lucky escape. Jaysus, what a nightmare. The longest five minutes of my life. I’ll only be doing Roddy McCorley or Raglan Road from now on”.
Kerry Reveal Thatcher’s Part In 1986 All-Ireland Victory Over Tyrone.
Thatcher the Sam Snatcher
By Gombeen
A member of the great Kerry side which defeated Tyrone 2-15 to 1-10 in the 1986 All-Ireland Final has today revealed that Thatcher gave them ‘deadly tips’ on how to beat Art McRory’s men about a week before that infamous game. The anonymous charismatic Kingdom forward said the Iron Lady popped down to Killarney during intense training and called the squad together into a huddle for a pep talk to highlight a few weaknesses that proved crucial on the day.
“Micko had just finished the 36-lap drill and we were about to run up Carrauntoohil when a helicopter landed around the middle of the field and yer woman jumped off with a headscarf on her. She beckoned us to gather around her with a big curly crooked finger and bejaysus she’s the sort of girl you listened to. Even Micko took his cap off. She said something about a northern team never lifting Sam under her watch and rhymed off about a dozen tactics to try out on the day. The most memorable was to wind Kevin McCabe up about his moustache. When he took the penalty, half of our team were shouting things like ‘Charlie Chaplin’ or ‘Daley Thompson’ at him. I’m 100% sure that’s why he stuck it over.”
Our source also revealed they presented her with a used Kerry jersey and a clump of butter. He said her knowledge of Ulster football was impressive.
“She wasn’t behind the door about dishing out the dirt of boys like John Lynch or Plunkett Donaghy. Apparently they were massive Duran Duran fans at that time so we just rubbished their music during the game. People talk of McMenamin and those boys excelling at the trash-talking. We were at it back in the 80s, aided by Thatcher herself. She had us wired up about the rivalry between the Fianna and the O’Rahillys. We fairly wound up McClure and O’Hagan. It worked a dream.”
Thatcher stood down in November 1990 and within ten months Down won the All-Ireland.
Tyrone Celebrity Foursome Fail To Complete Charity Single. Donkey Sanctuary Deprived.
The difficult bit
By Gombeen
A recently opened donkey sanctuary in Donaghmore was reeling at the news this morning that the anticipated windfall from a charity single may not now happen after all. Local celebrities Malachi Cush, Lynette Fay, Conor Grimes and Janet Devlin were due to release a local version of ‘Making Your Mind Up’ by Bucks Fizz with the proceeds going to help the Donaghmore Donkey Sanctuary get off the ground. The stumbling block appears to concern the part of the song where the male members whip the long skirts off the female singers to reveal a shorter skirt. Artistic director Johnny Quinn explained:
“Cush and Grimes seem to have gotten together beforehand and worked out how to rip both skirts off in the one go to reveal just the tights the two girls were wearing underneath. The first time it happened we all fell about laughing. The girls thought it was a quare laugh. The second time we giggled again but after the 3rd, 4th and 5th takes it was just the two lads laughing. To be honest we were all a bit hacked off after the 10th time.”
Despite protestations to get the song and video finished and into the UK charts by the weekend, Grimes and Cush were still at their stunt on the 25th attempt to get past that part of the song.
“Whilst I admire their persistence, it was deadly annoying. They were giggling away to each other whilst Fay and Devlin were getting a right foundering. We called it a day on the 60th attempt. The Donkey Sanctuary won’t be getting their money for hay this week. We’ll maybe try a new song next week but after the punch Fay gave Grimes as they left the building, relationships might need to be rebuilt.”
The Donaghmore Donkey Sanctuary said that whilst they’re disappointed the single hasn’t made the charts, there’s no big rush as no one had brought a stray donkey in yet.
Man From Fintona Had Idea For Google in 1989
How Devlin may have looked in 1989
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A man from Fintona has confirmed that he had the idea for Google in 1989, some nine years before the website was created by Larry Page and Serge Brin in America. Micky Devlin, 54, an unemployed postman from Fintona, said,
“I initially got the idea from watching ‘Blake’s 7’ in the 80s where they had this big computer yoke that Blake spoke to and it would talk back. Class. I suppose the idea bounced around in my brain for a few years before I had a light bulb moment – wouldn’t it be deadly if you could build like this massive computer thing in real life and not just off the telly, that let you find out anything you wanted to know about anything in the whole world, and all you had to do was speak to it or put it into a machine or a robot or something, and then they would answer it in a lock of minutes. So when I heard the other day that someone had actually built my idea I couldn’t believe it. Here we are in 2013 and hey presto, it’s a reality. That should really have been me. I would probably have called it Google too. I’m pretty up on the technologies with all the bookfaces and the sex texts and calculators and what not, and I’ve been using a fax machine for years.”
Questioned on whether he could also have written the complex algorithm which incorporates the several thousand metrics which makes Google such a unique search engine, Devlin was dismissive.
“Search engine? Don’t try to catch me out. I’ve been around engines all my life. When Richard Branson invented the jumbo jet did he arse about with all the detail before he put it together? Did he bollocks. That’s not the way it works. He just stripped down a couple of Masseys and the like, flung it all back together a different way and got lucky. You show me the Google search engine crankshaft and I’ll take it apart in a blink”.
Devlin is also watching closely to see if anyone produces a fully-functioning time machine after having watched several episodes of Doctor Who and developing his own ideas which he says would operate based on “dimensions and time warps and stuff”.
Kildress Woman Told To Leave The Area For Using Big Words. “That’ll Learn Her”.
McNally stood out
By Gombeen
A returning Kildress student was banished from the mid-Ulster townland after using a succession of big words over two nights during Easter celebrations in the Kildress Inn. Gretta McNally has spoken of her disillusionment at having been rejected by her people despite achieving a 2:2 in her Arts Photography degree at the University of Ulster in Coleraine.
“Typical Kildress. As soon as you step outside the norm you’re there to be shot at. When I did well in my A Levels I had hordes of well-wishers back-slapping me off to university. The local club even ran a fundraiser. Deep down I suspected they thought I’d come back with my tail between my legs, drunk out and expelled from the University within a month. Well, I stuck at it, got my degree and now I’m homeless because of it. As soon as I got off the bus last week I was met with a torrent of sly digs. I asked for a pint of lager and the barman said under his breath ‘I’m surprised it’s not a Martini on the rocks’ and gave me a dirty look. That was the start of it.”
A different story emerged when we spoke to local boiler servicer Lionel McClean.
“That blade got what she deserved. She swanned into the Arms with her fancy thoughts and degrees and all that. When I heard her say she liked the ‘interior design’ of the pub, well, that was enough for me. What’s wrong with the word ‘inside’? The next night she said ‘when is the Tones’ initial match?’. Initial? Initial? Spit the buckin marbles out girl. We’re not impressed. So we went down to her da’s house and told him she must leave or we’d burn them out. He agreed and said he himself couldn’t stick her saying the dinner was ‘splendid’. That’ll learn her and any other youngster who has fancy-dan thoughts of education.”
Gretta is currently wandering the hills around Pomeroy and has vowed to work on toning down her vocabulary so she can return for Christmas.
‘Benefit Fraud’ Irish Team For Commonwealth Games Come Almost Entirely From Drumquin
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Tyrone stepped onto the international sports stage yesterday as the Northern Ireland Commonwealth Games Council (NICGC) announced that its team for the newly created ‘Benefit Fraud’ sport at the 2014 Commonwealth Games comes almost exclusively from Drumquin.
Drumquin, in practise.
“It’s amazing”, said Roland Quinn of the NICGC, “we scoured the whole of Northern Ireland for the very best to compete on the world stage, and by a remarkable coincidence we found them all in Drumquin. We have to hand it to them – they’ve got some of the best chancers in the world”.
Benefit Fraud will be new to the 2014 Commonwealth Games to be held in Glasgow next year, starting in July. It has has enjoyed increasing popularity across much of Europe with many hundreds of thousands of amateurs taking up the event, and has now been recognised as an official sport.
Frank Cassidy, an unemployed painter from ‘somewhere near the Dooish mountain’ has been selected for the demanding ‘Doing the Double’ pentathlon event which centres on five discrete disciplines completed over a 3 day period, combining signing on at the Social, going for a job interview and failing, working at a chicken factory, clearing glasses in a bar, and helping to lamb sheep.
“The training’s been exhausting” said Cassidy, “but I’ve been preparing for this for two years and I’m nearly ready. And if anyone asks, you haven’t seen me”.
The gruelling ‘Form Filling’ hurdle event is likely to draw some stiff competition but Martina McCluskey, an unemployed shop assistant of Claragh Road, is ready for it.
“I’ve filled out some of the hardest forms in the whole of the DHS. Have you seen the Benefits for Occupational Diseases form? Jaysus, it’s a belter. It would make your eyes water. But I’m ready for it, even though we know the Jocks are going to be difficult to beat in front of a home crowd”.
“You could say I’ve been training for this event most of my adult life” said Kiernan Donnelly, an unemployed fork lift driver of Baronscourt Road. “Bring it on!” Donnelly has been selected to compete in the arduous marathon event, which is a 26 mile walk undertaken whilst pretending to have a limp.
Clonoe Altar Boy Rang Bell At Wrong Time. Priest Furious.
Harbinson, after the handlin.
By Gombeen
A primary five altar boy making his much anticipated debut at Saturday night mass last weekend maintains he was set-up by more experienced altar boys, probably the P7 lad, after he rang the bell during a period of silent reflection. Fr Lenny McGee, a short-tempered clergyman from outside the county, reacted badly to the mistiming youngster but has since forgiven the boy’s momentary lapse. Johnny Harbinson is adamant he was set up:
“To be honest, I was a bit green about it. My da had been an altar boy of fine repute and uncles would tell me he had the steadiest hand in the country for holding the plate under chins like they used to at communion. I had a lot to live up to and the pressure maybe got to me. One of the other lads handed me the stick for hitting the bell and I do remember thinking it wasn’t how I thought it would look like. There was no soft head on it – just a bit of lead.”
Young Harbinson went on to explain the moment he realised he’d been hoaxed:
“The bigger lad said he’d wink when it was time to hit the bell and to wallop it with the deadliest force I could muster. I heard the priest say ‘bow down your heads in silence and pray for forgiveness’ early on in the mass as he sat down on a seat to reflect. I looked at the p7 boy, he winked, so I hit the bell with the stick of lead with the most might I had in me. The noise was earth-shattering and I could see the elderly cradle their heads with the squealing from their hearing aids. A window shattered at the back. The ambulance was called to see to a couple of OAPs with weak valves. My lasting memory was a visibly-shocked Fr McGee shouting ‘Holy Jaysus’ with a scowl on him like nothing I’d seen before.”
Harbinson has been ‘rested’ this week but is expected to make a second appearance at the start of May.
Granville Man Finds It Hard To Sell Inverness Royal Academy Uniform
Inverness Royal Academy
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A Granville man has withdrawn an Inverness Royal Academy (IRA) uniform from sale after a campaign of abuse from neighbours and strangers. John McGuigan was a pupil at the academy during the 1980s before moving from Scotland to Tyrone 10 years ago.
“I just can’t understand it”, said McGuigan, 54. “I just wanted someone else to make good use of it. There might not be much demand for an IRA uniform around these parts, but I just thought I’d give it a try. My IRA days were amongst the happiest of my life. I had some brilliant times there and I remember how me and the lads just seemed to spend our whole time laughing our heads off at some of the stuff we got up to. All I want to do is for someone else to use the uniform and maybe enjoy the IRA as much as I did, and I’ve been quite open about that”.
But locals have reacted strongly to the advert which has appeared in two local papers for four consecutive weeks, and have recently resorted to action. At the weekend, profanities in indelible ink appeared across McGuigan’s front door.
“I spent all day Sunday trying to scrub the letters out with a brillo pad and a big bottle of Jif. I’ve removed 5 of the letters but the ‘w’ is really stubborn. And then the week before I was at the hole in the wall at Tesco getting some cash when someone sneaked round the corner and toed me right up the arse, then just ran off. It’s ridiculous. It’s a free country isn’t it?”
Several phone calls made by McGuigan to Dungannon Police Station have met little response.
“That shower were even worse. I told them I was getting dog’s abuse just for trying to sell an IRA uniform and they went mental. I can’t even repeat what the desk sergeant told me to do with the uniform, but I certainly don’t think it would fit. And it’s made of horsehair, so it would be dead scratchy and everything”.
McGuigan now plans to contact the Academy directly to see if the school is able to sell the uniform on to any of its current or future pupils.
“I have other stuff to sell but after all the hassle I’m not sure now” said McGuigan “although I have quite a lot of memorabilia from my days in the Ullapool Darts Association, so I might have better luck with that”.
Tyrone Estate Agents April Catalogue Top Offers
Washingbay Road, Coalisland
This excellent 7 bedroom detached two storey dwelling with missing double garage is located on the hiving Washingbay Road, approximately half a mile from the busy lights of Coalisland and far enough from Stewartstown. There is the option to purchase an additional 2 acres of unrelated black-turfed bogland in Derrylaughan. The property is in close proximity of both Coalisland and Clonoe GAA pitches, multi-denominational churches with Fr Benny’s sermons a local must-do experience, Landi’s, Springisland carvery, the former sandpit I think and scenic routes rambling across the ramparts to Derrytresk to find the bag-wielding woman, South Tyrone Hospital for plasters, Dr McKenna’s surgery and the Brackaville 9-hole deluxe Golf Course. The property needs some renovation and will undoubtedly attract a huge amount of interest and would make an excellent family home for people from Brocagh or the Windmill.
Offers over £175,000
Neagh’s Edge, Ardboe
Bright and spacious, needs window panes and a bit of residential roofing help, this detached family home offers excellent accommodation with panoramic views over the Lough. The property offers excellent family accommodation with four well proportioned walls and all the outside toilet you want. A master bedroom en-suite has yet to be completed as no one knows what that is. Viewing is essential to fully appreciate this magnificent home and the surrounding views and privacy. Local phrase book ‘Ghost-Oh’ will help non-local buyers. Shouts from the Battery Bar usually dies down at midnight, as soon as the first bare-knuckler hits the deck. Please use a face-netting device to ward off midges on viewing. Comes with free fishing rod.
Offers over £80’000
Merchanstown Road, Loughmacrory
This superb detached 4 bedroom bungalow is situated approximately 1 mile from the Village of Loughmacrory and 12 feet into the air, supported by stilts. Internally the property is finished to a very high standard and most be viewed to be fully appreciated. Great parking facilities. Burglar-proof and a great deterrent to boys selling tickets for Omagh GAA. The recent million-pound sports deal in Loughmacrory will see this property turn to gold-dust as a rental opportunity for Ethiopian long-distance runners, Canadian curlers and the like. Get on the Loughmacrory market NOW!
Offers over £45’000
Sessiadonaghy Road, Galbally
This generous 1 acre site has unrestricted planning permission and is located on the Sessiadonaghy road, approximately 4 miles from the village of Donaghmore, far enough to avoid tuts of middle-class displeasure. Needs to be viewed internally if possible to understand the character that once existed in this ex-brothel amidst rural Galbally. Local priest is nearly sure this once-haunted dwelling is now clean. The fallen tree is optional.
Offers over £30 or E50
Greencastle, Kildress, Gortin & Donemana Call For Relocation Of Sperrins
Should I stay or should I go?
By Gombeen
Following on from yesterday’s news that Greencastle had tabled a motion at the Tyrone Congress that the Sperrins be moved from their present location, it has emerged that they have received vociferous backing from Kildress, Gortin and Donemana. In an added twist to the sensational developments, Glenelly, Strabane and Plumbridge have promised to fight tooth and nail to keep the mountain range exactly where it is for varying reasons. Donemana’s Richard O’Neill explains the stance of the four pro-removal townlands:
“Yousins in the rest of the county don’t know what it’s like to wake up til this giant thing towering over you everyday like big mad parent. Every buckin day. And what it is? A big hape of moss and bogland – useless to man and beast. They talk about the beauty of Mullaghcarn Mountain. It’d be damn well beautiful to me if it was sitting in Benburb or Trillick. And it’s freezing here. The sun can’t get at us. Sure you only have to look at the complexion of us indigenous peoples stretching the whole way across to Lissan. You’d think we’d been in solitary confinement all our lives with the gaunt skin and bags under the eyes. There’s so much we can’t see here – Portrush, the Aurora Borealis and the North Pole. It’s just not fair and another thing – there’s no drying at all here if the wind is coming from the north. That gigantic useless lump of turf blocks the whole thing. We’re calling on the Tyrone Sperrin Society to consider moving the range to the south west of the county of maybe abroad to Portygal or Egypt.”
Glenelly’s tourism spokesman, Eddie Parton, refutes the claims of the foursome:
“Listen, if them mountain glipes from Kildress hadn’t cut down all the trees 6000 years ago then it’d be a thing of beauty. They’ve greedily bogged the land out with their incessant burning of things. They’re always burning things down there. The Sperrins are crucial to tourism around these parts. Hikers usually try to go up them only to find it’s too wet and soggy and just freewheel down to here or to The Plum to buy coats and flasks and things. The Sperrins are here to stay I say. What about that lovely song concerning Slieve Gallion Brae:
My name is Joe McGarvey as you might understand
I come from Derryginnet and I own a farm of landAre there better lyrics on the planet than that opener?”
The four protagonists have been slow to distance themselves from a telephoned threat from a group calling themselves the Strabane Slashers to the tourism board warning that if the vote doesn’t go in favour of the removalists, they’ll blow the mountain range up anyway. Richard O’Neill added:
“We do not condone the use of explosives to rid ourselves of this monstrosity but let’s not get carried away. There’s worse things in the world than a couple of lads from Strabane blowing up the Sperrins.”
The Tyrone tourism board are to make a decision next week. They will also try to ask the Sperrins themselves by listening to the ground with a cocked ear.
Greencastle Man Thought He’d Slept For Days. Turns Out He Hadn’t.
Teague, asleep
By Gombeen
A Greencastle fitter, Malachy Teague, feared he’d lost days after taking too many flu tablets that the local doctor had prescribed for him. Although it explicitly said to only take two every four hours, an under-the-weather Teague mixed the numbers up and swallowed four every two hours.
“I went to lie down around 2pm for a quick sleep only to wake up and it dark. I was confused so I grabbed the tablet pack and saw they were done. On reading the label, I knew I’d made a terrible mistake and surmised that I must’ve been out cold for a few days at least. I’d seen that word surmised on Countdown a while ago and thought it was a great word.”
With all clocks and watches stopped in the house, Teague headed down to Eddie’s to find out what day it was, only to experience how difficult finding out that information actually was.
“I asked Sean behind the bar if he had a paper so I could check how my greyhound tip got on. I had no tip but just wanted to see the date on the paper. Sean asked what greyhound it was. I had to think on my feet and just made up a name – “Kissy Slippy”. Sean said it came nowhere and walked off. I went to the back bar and this time just asked for a look at today’s paper. Geordie said his wife had it upstairs and sure there was nothing in it anyway. Exasperated, I saw oul Johnny Devlin reading the Irish News at the back wall with a magnifying glass. At this stage I’d decided that if he refused to give me the paper I’d kill him, 93 or not. I just grabbed the thing off him, saw it was still today’s date and handed it back politely.”
It turned out that Malachy had just been sleeping for five hours due to the heavy flu.
“Gee I was quare and relieved to get that sorted. You just cannot go up to someone and ask them to give you the day of the week.”
In other local news, Greencastle GAC have started a petition to get the Sperrin Mountains moved.
Drumquin Man Recovering From Salad Intolerance
Drumquin man before feed
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Craigavon Hospital confirmed last night that it has received its first case of someone suffering from salad intolerance.
“We admitted a 29 year old male yesterday evening where he was treated for a severe adverse reaction to a potentially lethal cocktail which we believe included rocket, watercress and balsamic vinegar” said a hospital spokesperson. “This morning however he has had a big feed and appears to be improving”.
The man in question, bus driver Patsy McGee from Drumquin, gingerly admitted:
“It was tara boys. Yesterday evening the wife gave me salad for my tea which I don’t think I’ve had before, but she was off to the zumba and didn’t have time to make anything else. About an hour later I was having these chronic stomach pains and some mad hallucinations about Kimberley Mikados. I can’t remember much after that”.
Fearful that her husband was having a stroke, his wife Rose immediately dialled 999.
“He was wrecking away in the ambulance, trying to eat the gel for thon defibrillator thing. He was just rambling and kept yelling ‘wagon wheels’ at the paramedic. It got even worse in the ward. He almost dragged three nurses with him trying to escape into the corridor, and there was bugger all out there apart from a fire extinguisher and one of them chocolate machines. They had to sedate him. Poor soul”.
Health officials fear that this could turn into an epidemic across Tyrone, although the intolerance is not thought to be infectious. A woman from Dromore was also admitted to hospital yesterday ranting ‘get me the Tayto’ after having eaten two slices of Ryvita bread for lunch, although the two incidents are not thought to be related.
Fintona Plans To Invade Tattyreagh “Not An April Fools’ Joke”
Tattyreagh Resistance Army
By Gombeen
Rumours of a mass invasion involving brute force and clever propaganda have been confirmed following the leakage of a sensitive document from the offices of the Fintona War Committee last night. Tattyreagh natives have been called ‘paranoid’ and ‘mental’ in recent weeks after their pleas to the Tyrone County Conflict Resolution Board (TCCRB) regarding fears for their safety fell on deaf ears. The 10-point plan document now pushes their worst nightmares closer to reality with the TCCRB admitting it might be too late to do anything about it. Tattyreagh joiner, Leo McCabe, reckons it’s only a matter of time now:
“We knew this day would come. Those feckers in Fintona never wanted us. They see Omagh as some kind of Mecca and hate the fact that we’re closer. For years they’ve been driving through here in their big SUVs throwing their household rubbish out the windows trying to get us to move the hell out. Well, now we’ve a school, a pub and Darcy Park which is right up there with the best grounds in Ireland. We’re ready for them. We’ve mobilised a group of about 20 or so at the Halfway House and we’ll resist them with cudgels and spears.”
The 10-point plan included the following ideas:
- mass invasion from all sides – the Leftern Road East and West as well as the Tattyreagh Road North and South.
- Casually walking into houses and pretending to read the meter. Plant bugs and gather intelligence of daily habits.
- Take advantage of loose immigration laws in the area and dress up as Indians or Cowboys.
- Brainwash them into thinking Tattyreagh is actually greater Fintona and they’ll be better off. Show them gold necklaces.
- Just change the map and paint over the townland.
- Buy Tattyreagh.
- Cut off their supply of illegal brew and red diesel. Inform PSNI of rogue fuel merchants in the area.
- Ride in on horseback and lift all the women over 18 to curtail breeding.
- Poison.
- Nuclear option.
Fintona Lord Mayor Percy McKinless was unable to be contacted today but sources say they think it’s definitely not an April Fools’ prank.
Tyrone Tribulations 