Mr Tally was just shopping
A 76-year old pensioner, who popped out to Tesco for a few goods, was presumed dead after he failed to return home within six hours, resulting in a minute’s silence being observed for Leo Tally at a GAA friendly between Strabane and Urney.
The mistake was made after his wife of 49 years, Betty Tally, told neighbours he was ‘probably dead’ after he hadn’t returned due to the fact that he hated shops, spending money and big crowds, especially in the run up to Christmas. Mrs Tally has since said she was only codding and didn’t really mean for the local team’s manager to believe her.
The minute silence was interrupted when a spectator shouted:
“Sure that’s Leo Tally standing over there in the red raincoat”
whilst pointing at Tally who was also observing the minute silence, having missed who it was actually for.
Tally, a local playing legend from the 1960s, added:
“I was at Tesco for ages because everything I wanted to buy was on offer, 3 for the price of 2, so I ended up buying 3 of everything I wanted. That was about 120 items.”
Although Tally returned home before heading out to the game, his wife neglected to tell him she had informed others of his untimely passing.
“At first I was laughing about it but when I think back, I’m a bit annoyed that there were a few lads sniggering away during my minute silence and some were eating mineral and crisps. I’ll be having a word.
Strabane GAA have issued an apology to Mr Tally but reassured him that when he does die they’ll make sure everyone observes the silence perfectly.
Outside Landi’s now
Witnesses have described the Black Friday carnage at a well known Coalisland fast food establishment as ‘sheer madness’ and ‘total bedlam’ after a deal on the sausage supper and a can of Lilt set pulses in the town racing.
The supper meal deal, which normally costs £4.99, was reduced to £3.99 for one day only, with a cowboy supper slashed from £5.99 to £5.20.
Before doors opened at 9am, an estimated 44 people were already shouldering each other in order to gain prime position for the charge to the counter. Although several calls were made to the PSNI to monitor the crowd before the opening by concerned town residents, authorities failed to appear with one police source reportedly saying ‘Coalisland? Are you serious?’
One regular punter, who was interviewed with a damaged sausage balancing delicately on his shoulder, revealed:
“Landi’s should have known better. I was in simply to get a bag of fish goujons for breakfast but ended up on the floor wrestling with a cousin over a portion of beans I didn’t even want. When the hurling sticks were produced I decided to give up the ghost but was still hit on the head with a severely battered sausage.”
Estimates suggest over 260 hungry customers were crammed into the premises at 9:30. Shortly after, a mini-riot commenced after owners admitted there was no Lilt left, with many refusing the offer of a free 7-Up.
“When the message was relayed about the Lilt, people lost it. The till was smashed and people were chanting things like ‘you can shove your Fanta up yer hole’ and stuff like that. This meal deal was an ill-advised decision.”
Early reports also suggest there were skirmishes just off the Tamnamore roundabout after a roadside strawberry vendor refused to reduce any of his prices for Black Friday.
Adele has admitted her world has been slightly rocked after it emerged today that her single ‘Hello’ is to be challenged for the Christmas Number One spot.
Malachi Cush, who wooed the country when he appeared on the BBC’s Fame Academy and sang ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘Vincent’, is said to be recording a song which record producers maintain will ‘wipe the floor’ with the award winning songstress from London.
Named ‘How’s She Cuttin?’, the song coincidentally happens to be along the same lines of Adele’s ‘Hello’, telling the tale of going to the shop in Donaghmore and seeing a girl he’s been after for years but finds it hard to strike up a conversation.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to get their hands on some of the opening lyrics which confirms Cush is speaking from the heart:
How’s she cutting?
This is me.
I’ve just popped out to get
A pan loaf and some Rich Tea
Although Adele is currently selling 20’000 units of the song per week, music experts reckon sales of Cush’s song in Bangkok and Thailand will see the Country and Western star romp home.
Louis Walsh was particularly taken with the lyrics:
Cush nails it. Going to the shop for some errands and bumping into a girl from up with road who’s a far out cousin but you’ve had the eye for her for years is a real tear-jerker. It’s a classic mid-Ulster tale.
Our source also revealed that Cush has recorded ‘Rolling In The Sheep Dip’ for the B Side which appears to be a direct challenge to his new rival.
Leaked image of Plunkett Spud
The gruesome townland of Galbally was rocked yesterday when local girl, Maisie McGarrell, fell to her knees outside the Vivo after she spotted the face of 1980s Blonde Adonis Plunkett Donaghy on a potato.
Having innocently felt the weight of several bags of Kerr’s Pinks in preparation for feeding her extended family of 32, McGarrell let out an unmerciful scream, yelling “sweet mother of Jaysus, isn’t it Plunkett” and fell to the ground in convulsions.
“I thought she’d been robbed again”, said the shopkeeper from Pakistan, “She’s an awful hoor for leavin her purse on the counter besides the Kerr’s”.
The Parish Priest, Fr Dinsmore, arrived at the scene soon after and demanded that Mr Ahmed clear out all his stock and replace it with moving statues of Plunkett Donaghy, candles and rosary beads. It was soon pointed out to Fr Dinsmore that Donaghy was…
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Windmill Manager
Players from the Windmill club in Tyrone are said to be living in daily fear after their new manager gave each player a poster with his face on it, staring at them at all times in their own homes in an initiative he calls ‘Operation 1984’.
The poster, which has to be placed in the living-room beside the TV, is said to have moving eyes, giving the impression that their boss is monitoring their every word, munch and sip.
A player who wished to remain anonymous, described the culture of claustrophobia and bullying currently enveloping the senior team:
“Joe Brolly recently talked about elitism and a lack of fun. Well, he’s only treading the tip of the iceberg. Down here in the Windmill, we’re on a completely different level. I’m sure I heard the poster say something like ‘no’ when I opened a can of Harp during Strictly Come Dancing. I just poured it down the sink in case I’m dropped for the league next year.”
Another player who goes by the name of ‘Hulk’ added to the evidence of intimidation:
“I’m sure this thing can see into your mind. The wife was giving me the eyes and I’m sure I heard the poster say ‘that won’t be happening, lad’. I’m this close to pulling down the poster but I’m not giving up that full back position.”
The Windmill manager, who retired from teaching in 1988 after to failing to adopt to the new corporal punishment law, maintains the poster of him staring out is simply a method of bonding and camaraderie:
“These lads are paranoid. Sure how could there be 20 pairs of my eyes watching their every move. I’m all for the relaxing of draconian conditions put on club players by uptight managers and even as recently as yesterday I told the players that they’re allowed to eat one Yorkie bar or something similar once a month. If that’s not anti-elitism then I don’t know what is.”
Meanwhile, the Derrylaughan senior panel for 2016 was confirmed last night after a series of bleep tests, blood tests, personality tests, lie-detector tests, urine samples and forensic examination of hair follicles analysed. Currently they have 4 players confirmed in the hope that a re-test next week will see a better return.
Naw, it’s alright
A 12-year old schoolboy, who ran onto the field after Trillick’s County Final win over Killyclogher, told victorious player Mattie Donnelly ‘naw it’s alright’ after Donnelly offered to give him his winner’s medal.
John McCaughey, who claims he only ran on the pitch to get his tissue which blew onto the field of play, was third-man tackled by a gang of linesmen who thought he was probably up to no good.
McCaughey claims he would have told the New Zealand player Sonny Bill Williams, who offered his medal to a fan after the rugby World Cup, the exact same thing:
“I’m being called ungrateful and spoilt but sure what the hell would I want with an oul bit of metal that had nothing to do with me. Sure it’s like someone buying an ice-lolly and handing you the wrapper. It would probably only be worth a fiver on eBay anyway and what would a fiver get you now?”
It was initially reported that Killyclogher’s Mark Bradley, who witnessed the incident, told Donnelly that he’d take the medal if young McCaughey didn’t want it, to which Donnelly replied “you will in your bollocks”. On further investigation this does not appear to be totally true.
Meanwhile, rumours that Trillick are to declare for Fermanagh this week are refusing to go away. The village, which straddles the Tyrone/Fermanagh border, has often been described as a Fermanagh settlement in all but name, with many of the locals displaying Fermanaghesque tendencies such as looking sad and saying ‘as wide as a duck’s arse’ as well as labelling everything a ‘yoke’.
Trillick’s opponents next week, Scotstown, have asked Trillick to decide soon whether they’re from Tyrone or Fermanagh as it changes their game preparations entirely.
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
Kildress baker shop to close
‘Claire’s Wee Scone Shop’ in Kildress is set to close after only 10 months in business. “I’m gutted, but I’ve run out of money” said Claire Rafferty, owner of the baker shop on the Drum Road. “I’ve been flat-out 6 days a week making cheesecakes, sponges, flapjacks and fruit scones and they’ve all shot off the shelves, but I’ve barely made a penny of profit. I’ve no idea what’s went wrong”. Kelly McNulty, Rafferty’s 28-stone shop assistant, agreed that she was “also puzzled”.
Clogher man on hold suspects his call isn’t important after all
Cathal Sheeran of Clogher, is thinking of hanging up the phone after having spent three days on hold to his bank. “I’ve now been on hold since Tuesday. I’m now unsure whether my call really is important to them. But then again, why would they keep…
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Gormley and Woods hit the beach in NY
Despite repeated warnings to evacuate the area coupled with gusts of up to 85mph, three Carrickmore tourists continued to ‘drink on’ in a beer garden in downtown New York, sparking public statements of disbelief and awe from the highest authorities.
Barney Shields, Tommy Gormley and Kyron Woods had flown out to New York for three days on Sunday on a post-season blow-out which they had planned for ages. Despite warnings of treacherous conditions and the unmissable wailing sirens, the three Carmen men headed on down to O’Neill’s Pub anyway on 37th Street for a ‘lock a pints‘ as the storm hit the city, maintaining that they were always going to get the most out of the much-anticipated trip.
Woods,36, who’d never set foot outside of Carrickmore before, explained their stance:
“We’d been looking forward til this for ages, boys. Like…
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A Fintona family have described how living at home has become a cold and lonely place after their son and daughter bragged online about winning the Ladies Junior British GAA Championship with their Manchester based club Oisín C.L.G..
Brother and sister Jamie Garrity (joint manager) and Caroline Garrity (captain), who joined the club in order to keep in touch with their cultural and sporting roots, have since deleted their Facebook statuses but locals maintain the damage has already been done.
Jamie’s status, which read “British Champions, Get ‘er bucked“, only received one like as well as a torrent of abuse in the comments section underneath, before it was taken off.
The children’s father, Brian, is at a loss to explain the rush of blood to his son’s head:
“It’ll be a long time before things will cool down around here. There’s a lot of anger about and we’ve had to shop in Fivemiletown because of it. People here have long memories. Normally a parent would be proud of their children being successful in foreign lands but just don’t be boasting about it using the B word. Crazy stuff to be at.”
The Oisins now head to Maastricht for the All-Ireland preliminary round with a sizeable contingent from Fintona reportedly flying over to throw their support behind their opponents from Brussels.
An anonymous emailer explained:
“You’d never think a lad from Fintona would celebrate being British champions. You wouldn’t hear the Brussels ladies at that so we’re throwing our support behind the Belgians. That’ll put manners on Jamie and maybe he’ll not be at the bragging next time. Well done and all that but don’t be shoving it in our faces. It’s tough enough Fintona finishing 11th in Division 3 without hearing about them being British Champions.”
Ireland’s Call has been decided upon as the anthem for the Oisín game over in Holland, not helping matters.
One Direction fans going clean mad in Augher
Towns and hamlets across the county were declared ‘in a state of unbridled anarchy’ tonight after the cancellation of a One Direction concert in Belfast, following hot on the heels of Daniel O’Donnell’s controversial eviction from Strictly Come Dancing on Sunday night.
PSNI officials have admitted they’re seriously understaffed to deal with a series of bonfires over a 40-mile radius with items such as stetsons, cord skirts, leather belts and One Direction belly-tops topping up pallets and tyres, in flames.
Mother of 9, Kelly Hanna from Plumbridge, admitted it’s only going to get worse:
“Sunday was bad enough what with Daniel being robbed but what got us through Monday was the thought of the smiles on our Jacinta, Dolores, Saoirse, Adele, Siobhan, Madonna, Caitlin, Lisa and Peter’s faces during the Wan Direction concert. And now that Liam lad has a dose of the runs and it’s all off. This is worse than Brooks. Dolores, the eldest, even had a flashing Wan Direction bra. What good is it now? I’m away to loot for a microwave.”
Meanwhile, reports are emerging of a series of husbands and boyfriends who have been caught out getting up to no good after wives, girlfriends and daughters arrived home a lot sooner than expected. A Derrytresk family were receiving counselling tonight after returning home only to find their father dressed up as one of the women from Abba and dancing around the house to ‘Money, Money, Money’.
His wife simply added:
“And it wasn’t even the good looking blonde one.”
Brady knocking about the ‘Island.
A hardened Coalisland drinker has repeated his intention to sue Paul Brady over the lyrics to ‘The Island’ which he claims to have written in the mid-80s on a brown chip bag in Baldo’s Pub after meeting the woman of his dreams in the Greenvale the night before.
Conor ‘The Red Boy’ McGlinchey (48) maintains he wrote the song as an ode to Ursula McStravick after a whirlwind romance at the Cookstown disco the night before Dennis Taylor won the World Snooker Championship in 1985. Brady, who released the song a year later, has yet to comment on the accusations and it is understood no one has asked him about it either.
Locals have questioned the legitimacy of McGlinchey’s claims after studying the lyrics of the song which include:
I want to take you to the Island,
And trace your footprints in the sand,
And in the evening when the sun goes down,
We’ll make love to the sound of the ocean.
They’re raising banners over by the markets,
Whitewashing slogans on the shipyard walls,
Witchdoctors praying for a mighty showdown,
No way our holy flag is gonna fall,
Up here we sacrifice our children
McGlinchey is adamant that Brady changed a few of the lines:
“There’s no way I mentioned anything about the ocean. I referenced the Lough but that’s probably not romantic enough for big-shot Brady. And for shipyard I said Kelly’s Yard. Everything else is spot on.”
Archaeologists have been called to the premises of one of Coalisland’s most hallowed drinking establishments to ascertain the exact date of the brown paper bag which was found down the back of a radiator during renovations. Initial reports suggest a sticker saying ‘Landi’s 12/10/15‘ casts immediate doubt on McGlinchey’s claims.
Meanwhile Kenny Rogers has confirmed that his ditty ‘Islands In The Stream’ was penned after visiting Coalisland during a particularly wet day, revealing he phoned his mother in America to say that ‘the Island’s in the stream’.
Tohill ‘has plans’ for Tyrone
The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.
Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.
“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”
Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.
“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”
Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.
Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.
Seamie Corrigan, on plane
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Omagh inadvertently found himself 4,000 miles from home when he got on the wrong flight home and ended up in America.
Seamie Corrigan, an unemployed car mechanic from Drumragh near Omagh, had spent a month travelling around Italy trying unsuccessfully to get work as a part-time bullfighter. In his final few days there he received third degree sunburn, and it is thought that when he bought a ticket at the airport in Rome to return to Ireland, when asked his destination he was in so much discomfort that ‘Omagh’ came out as ‘Oma-haaagh’.
“I made a hames of it so I did”, said a shame-faced Corrigan. “I was killed with the sunburn and all, so by the time I got on the airyplane I was getting tore into the duty free like a man possessed. When I got off at the other end the truth is I was wrote…
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Déjà vu from 3 years ago….though the ending might need changed
The mood in Dromore has been described as darker than the deepest recesses of outer space since their senior football side were defeated in the county final last Sunday. Not since 1838, when an English tourist labelled Dromore as a ‘bleak poor hilly town’ in a holiday brochure, has the ‘Large Ridge’ found itself wallowing in a slough of self-pity and despair. No bins have been collected, cattle milked nor men washed since the loss four days ago and the outlook shows no sign of improvement. Housewife Katie McCarron refuses to see any light at the end of the tunnel:
“It’s buckin ridiculous now. Jaysus, I know the football is big an all in Dromore but these lads need to catch a grip of themselves. My husband, a stalwart on the team, hasn’t taken a shower since Sunday morning. He’s still in his muddied kit, just sitting and sleeping on…
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A year ago today…..
Kerr re-enacts tunnel movement
An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today.
Patsy Kerr had been summonsed to Omagh County Court after it emerged he had been the cause of a collapsed sewage pipe from a neighbouring house. Kerr told the court about his secret tunnel and the reasons behind it:
“The wife has a bad snore on her and after watching the Shawshank Redemption on RTE one night in 1994, I decided to do something about it so I waited til she was in a deep sleep and then set about digging a hole under the bed in the direction of the pub. I used all manner of tools from spoons to a heavy duty tunnel boring machine I managed to sneak down there when she was at…
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How Cavanagh May Have Appeared Under McGorry
Mickey Harte has been offered another two years at the helm of the Tyrone Senior football team despite a brave but ultimately disastrous bid for the job by Brocagh man Charlie McGorry.
McGorry (61), who started showing an interest in GAA after watching the Dublin/Fermanagh quarter-final in August, was told he did not need to turn up for the interview part of the process following a calamitous practical when he was asked to take the senior panel for one coaching session up in the Garvaghey complex.
A member of the squad, who wished to remain anonymous, explained:
“It was a shambles. The county board told him to bring his own bibs and cones. Didn’t he turn up with bibs you’d put on a child and a packet of ice-cream cones. It was obvious that this man had never kicked a ball in his life.”
Things went from bad to worse when he produced from his bag a Black & Decker 18V Ni-Cad Cordless Drill Driver from Homebase, telling the players that he had been instructed to do some drills.
“It was at this point that we realised Mickey was safe for another while. I wouldn’t let this eejit train an under-8 side. He even brought us crisps for afterwards and they were all McCoy’s Salt and Vinegar. Mickey never gets us Salt and Vinegar as he says they’re fattening. He brings ready-salted Weightwatcher’s crisps.”
Meanwhile, Gavin Devlin has denied prepping McGorry for the job and therefore purposely sabotaging his chances of usurping Harte.
Army scouting mission in South Armagh
The new British Army Irish Guards GAA side, who will play in the junior championship in London after being narrowly voted in by the county board, have been complimented by external coaches for their excellent lifting skills as well as their ability to ‘take no prisoners’ by being ruthlessly aggressive in attack.
Carrickmore man and GAA coach, Jackie Gormley (53), admitted he was taken aback by how quickly the army adapted to the finer skills in the game:
“I haven’t seen lifting like that since I was a lad. These boys are natural at the lifting and shooting. They’re a ruthless shower when they see the target and I wouldn’t be surprised if they take a few major scalps in their first season. We’re very keen to get these lads back to Carrickmore for a kick about. They will get a warm welcome.”
Galbally native Killian Morgan, who is building train tracks in London, revealed he is also eager to get the army side over to his home parish for a ‘friendly’:
Yes, I’m sure the lads back home in Galbally will be excited about having a crack at the British Army regiment side in our home patch. We’ll put on sandwiches and mineral and sure get wired into each other when the ball is blown up. I mean thrown up. We’ve a great young sharp shooter at corner forward this year. A real wiry sniper if there ever was one. We’ll be hoping to launch a few high ones on top of their rearguard as well.”
The regiment, nicknamed the Micks, will play under the Irish name Garda Eireannach, and are rumoured to be in sponsorship talks with Land Rover.
An Artist’s Impression Of Stormont Melee
Following a day of turmoil in Stormont, things appeared to go from bad to worse after dinner when apparently Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff accused UUP leader Mike Nesbitt of using the last of the HP Sauce, in badness, and threatened to get Alex Maskey if he did it again.
With tensions running high after Peter Robinson stepped aside as First Minister, Arlene Foster reportedly told Nesbitt that there was another full bottle of HP Sauce in the cupboard and to go ahead and use the last of the brown sauce on the table.
McElduff, who had been sitting at a different table finishing his soup, reportedly ‘went clean mad‘ when he searched for the brown sauce to complement his sausages, champ and beans only to find an empty bottle on its side and Nesbitt slurping on his lasagne drenched in his favourite condiment. Tempers were calmed initially after Foster admitted she was to blame for the mistake, only for things to hot up in the chamber when they retook their seats.
Politics student Lennie Rafferty, on work experience with the SDLP, described how it kicked off:
“There was a tension in the air when they recommenced the day’s agenda after dinner but it all boiled over after Mike Nesbitt started licking his lips and rubbing his belly in front of Barry McElduff. McElduff lost it and there was a free-for-all with the two of them having to be separated by a rake of minor MLAs. Several punches were thrown. Even Arlene got a dig at Alban Maginness.”
Rafferty explained how the ruckus ended when McElduff shouted “I’ll phone Maskey now“.
“You could see Nesbitt’s face go all white and he looked nervous enough as he straightened his suit and made his way to his seat.”
Meanwhile, Sinn Fein issued a statement tonight apologising for McElduff’s outburst but said they understood how eating sausages and beans without HP could send any man, woman or beast over the edge.
For some odd reason, this post – Omagh man digs tunnel to pub – has made it to the final 20 in the Irish Blog awards.
You can vote for it at the following address:
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