McElduff To Build A Wall Around Pomeroy And Make Them Pay For It, If Elected
Barry McElduff, who has been labelled ‘The Irish Trump’ due to his uncanny ability to maintain an impressive mop of hair, has strengthened his likeness to the American Republican candidate after an insider confirmed he will offer to have a wall built around Pomeroy and make the Pomeranians fork out for the manpower, bricks and mortar, if elected.
McElduff has reportedly hidden a deep resentment of the village since 1980 when he, as a goalkeeper, conceded 16 goals in an under-14 game against Pomeroy, with seven goals scored by his cousin Deirdre. His election manifesto is to include taxing Pomeroy citizens £300 a year each to build the wall which will be managed by McAleer and Rushe.
Pomeroy pensioner Larry Devlin believes the Aghagogan politician must be stopped:
“Him and Trump are some bedfellows. Both mad republicans, the gift of the gab and admittedly eye-candy for the housewives. But the wall idea is one similarity too far. There’s talk that we’ll only be able to leave for hospital emergencies and a one-week summer holiday as long as we remain at least 5 miles from Carrickmore at all times. I just wish Deirdre McElduff had taken it easy that day but we were short of numbers and she’s a fierce competitor.”
Remarkably, some Pomeranians have welcomed McElduff’s plans and revealed they intend to vote for their arch-nemesis. Builder Felix McGeary (39) revealed:
“This wall will take about 18 months to build. That’s a year and a half of solid work if McAleer and Rushe take us on and then add on another six months of normal delays and stuff. I know we’re being taxed in Pomeroy to pay the workers to build this but if we work on it ourselves then we get our money back, so in your face McElduff.”
McElduff will also reportedly promise ‘to take care of women’ in his manifesto although no one was able to explain what he meant by this.
Urney To Be Twinned With Megan McKenna
Strabane’s deadly rivals on the field and life in general, Urney, made a double announcement this morning after their tourism office confirmed the townland is to be twinned with Megan McKenna. Additionally, the parish are to ask the reality TV and Strabane-hating star to turn on their Christmas lights in 2016.
McKenna, who angrily revealed her distaste for the Strabanese people on Saturday night before hopping on an Easyjet to London to tell her friends about the savages she encountered in west Tyrone, is the first person to be twinned with another town, highlighting the high regard she is held in around the greater Urney area.
Urney mayor Seamus McGlattery added:
“This McKenna blade is a sound judge. She’s just vocalising what we Urneyites have known for centuries – the Strabanese are a sub-standard breed. And she was only there for a couple of hours. She’s a shrewd character and we’re happy to have her turn on our lights this Christmas. We’ve never had lights before, and sometimes we forego Christmas completely, but by God we will go all out this year.”
McGlattery confirmed that the townland committee stopped short of renaming the Urney Road ‘McKenna Lane’ but revealed they’ll reconsider the decision on an annual basis as long as the Celebrity Big Brother star maintains her verbal war on Strabane for another few months.
“To be honest, none of us had heard of this girl until Sunday morning but sure wasn’t that the same with Moses, Elvis and Pele. These people announce their greatness on the world with one piece on genius and that McKenna girl just had her Mount Sinai moment at the weekend.”
Urney Ladies GFC have decided to rename their team ‘Urney St Megan’s’ for the coming year as a mark of respect and gratitude.
Mortified Tyrone Priest Receives Boxes Of Condoms From Late Late Show
A County Tyrone priest, who won two tickets to be in the audience in The Late Late Show at the Parish Christmas Bazaar, is said to be in hiding after arriving back with 16 boxes of condoms which were given to everyone in the audience by Ryan Tubridy. Fr McCaughey’s maid, who was made to carry the gift into the priest’s car and house, was also said to be ‘beetroot’ over the incident according to neighbours in Tattyreagh.
The Valentine’s Day special episode of the popular RTE show also awarded boxes of chocolates to everyone in the audience, heightening the awkwardness of the situation for the Omagh-born clergyman, who elected to bring his long-serving maid Mary Quinn to the show as his partner.
Fellow spectator and bachelor Kieran Kelly from County Meath confirmed it was a show from hell for the man of the cloth:
“I was sitting beside Fr McCaughey when Tubridy announced it was a Valentine’s special. He muttered something like ‘Ah bollocks’ and tried to leave but they wouldn’t let him budge. I saw him fiddle with the collar a few times but it seemed to be stuck too. It was an unfortunate scenario for the man and the maid, Mary.”
On leaving the studio, all members of the audience were given their chocolates and contraceptives, with the Tattyreagh parish priest attempting to escape the ordeal. Unfortunately, accepting the gifts is compulsory and the pair had to walk a mile to their car holding boxes of Milk Tray and Durex, much to the dismay of elderly Dubliners out walking.
After receiving a torrent of abuse from disgusted onlookers, according to eye witness reports Fr McCaughey tried to explain how to got them but was drowned out by cries of ‘dirty bastard’ and ‘go on yis pair of hoors’.
Tattyreagh Parish confirmed today that the Durex boxes will be donated to any Protestants in the greater Omagh area if they want them.
PSNI Cutbacks See Cops Use Real Hairdryers And Guessing
New PSNI recruits
PSNI officials have confirmed that recent budget-tightening constraints have resulted in many officers using ghd Deluxe hairdryers and just guessing how fast cars have been going by counting in their heads how long it took for each motor to get from tree to tree or sometimes a lamp post to a fence.
Chief Inspector Kingsley Warrington admitted they haven’t always managed to get speeding estimates spot-on:
“A woman of 85 was done for doing 105mph in a 1988 Mini near Dungannon and I was immediately suspicious. It emerged that the Officer in question, when counting, sneezed twice and didn’t take that into consideration, marking the pensioner down for completing a quarter of a mile in 4 seconds. We’re looking to tightening this up a bit.”
This police force have come under further criticism when a male member of the Service was seen drying his hair with their new make-shift speed camera after a torrential downpour. Also, many tax payers maintain cheaper hairdryers could easily be purchased from Argos or Tesco. CI Warrington responded:
“I don’t think we’d be taken seriously if we were seen brandishing a Lidl hairdryer. The ghd brand are respected across the planet and if someone is done for speeding, they’re more likely to accept the charge when they see the new ghd aura® hairdryer for speedy ultimate root-lifting volume & super smooth shine. With two breakthrough innovations in technology, ghd aura offers a truly new drying and styling experience that delivers the ultimate in luxurious volume and a smooth, shiny finish. And 6 penalty points.”
PSNI officials have denied they’re to commence a new cost-cutting breathalyser initiative which sees officers sniffing the breath of suspect drink drivers and guessing how many pints they’ve had and then getting them to sing ‘I Will Survive’ into a karaoke machine.
Edendork Man Extradited To US – Part Of New Netflix Series
Unlikely that Avery has been to Edendork bingo
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Edendork man Steven Avery is currently undergoing extradition to the United States in a bizarre twist to the new series of Netflix documentary Making a Murderer, Tyrone Tribulations can reveal.
It is understood he shares the same birthday with the man of the same name made famous by the TV series. Three other Stevens from Edendork have already handed themselves into PSNI, believing they could get a free trip to America out of it.
Avery, known locally as ‘the birdman’ because of all the crows he keeps in cages at his ma’s house, maintains he received the moniker because he is ‘lethal with the weemin’ and has a very limited learning ability which he attributes to being told he had to ‘pay’ attention at school, and wouldn’t spend Christmas. His communion money is reportedly still in an envelope marked “do nat titch“.
It is understood that the Manitowoc County Sherriff’s department are interested in pursuing charges against the former Hoops U8 full-back, and have taken DNA samples from him. After the 5th round of DNA testing, it appears he may not in fact even be human at all.
Charges are in relation to a mini van he has up on Autotrader, for a bargain price labelled simply ‘1 previous lady owner.’ Avery’s outlook is bleak at present, as his barrister is himself currently in police custody for sending dirty pictures to a hape of his other clients.
With Avery, who cuts the grass for Edendork GAC, now leaving the country and likely facing a long prison stretch, the club may not be able to field a team at any home fixtures this year. The Tyrone County board may relegate them straight to Division 4, along with Errigal fourths and Benburb. Club notes included words to this effect finished with simply ‘sheep wanted’.
Embarrassingly, management of Chieftain manufacturing in Edendork have completely misunderstood the situation and have subsequently ended up on an Indian reserve in Wisconsin smoking a peace pipe with Big Littlehorn’s tribe. Local SDLP councillor Simon Wallace joined the Chieftain entourage, and has appealed for “no violence or protests or anything”.
Rumours that McAleer and Rushe have been contacted to sponsor the Manitowoc County cheerleading team have been rubbished, despite company reps being recently spotted on a night out with a selection of those cheerleaders.
In unrelated news, it is believed the new Edendork gym has the missing snowball bingo money stuffed into the weights and weights benches. Committee members were unavailable for comment on the matter.
Greencastle Residents Offered Gold Teeth By 2018. Rejected.
Greencastle woman?
In a desperate bid to placate the anti-mining supporters in the Greencastle area, an offer of gold teeth for every resident has been proposed by a joint Stormont/Dentistry Association organisation. The offer, however, has been rejected by a majority decision after three nights of deliberation and forceful arguments which also saw a minor brawl on the Crockanboy Road involving bits of wood, turf, three dogs and a pellet gun.
The use of cyanide has been a contentious issue in the gold-mining proposals at the foot of the Sperrins, with many believing that the long-term effects are unproven and potentially unsafe. Local traveller, Kieran Donnelly, travelled to Finland to speak to residents of a village which experienced gold-mining recently:
“There was a definite side-effect. I couldn’t understand what any of them were saying and not one of them was for Clones in May. But their gold teeth was something to behold. I’d be rightly tempted by that – heading to a disco and the Kildress ones being jealous of our teeth. But, I suppose gold teeth are no good to you if you’re riddled with the consumption because of the cyanide.”
The 3-day debate over the offer of gold teeth appears to have revolved around a certain Diarmuid Devlin who seemingly convinced several friends that cyanide might have similar properties to kryptonite and, if fed under strict conditions to the senior football team, might make them giants and win the senior championship.
Devlin backed down when told that Superman wasn’t real and anyway if he was he’d probably get out of Greencastle straight away and head to warmer places like Bundoran or Downings.
Tyrone Tribulations supports Greencastle Says No To Cyancide.
Stormont To Change R & L Driving Plates After Sectarian Attacks On Inexperienced Drivers
Learner driver or Loyalist?
Government officials are this week to debate new letterings for learner and restricted drivers after a spate of attacks on inexperienced drivers has been blamed on an online rumour that L plates were used by Loyalist drivers and R plated cars were owned by Republicans.
Transport Minister Martina Mulgrew believes that a new lettering system will put an end to cars being egged and sometimes given the middle finger to:
“Somebody started this rumour about the Illuminati and stuff and that R plates were used by rampant republicans whereas L plates were only used by Loyalist fanatics and that only a few people knew about it. The way young people are now, they believed it straight away without questioning it because it was on the Internet. My son was using an R plate recently and couldn’t understand why he was getting the middle finger from everyone when he drove up the Shankill Road. Even the lollypop lady called him a fenian bastard.”
The newly proposed system intends to replace R with NG (nearly good) and L with BD (bad driver). Local social standards commentator Linda Farrell insists the new system isn’t politically correct enough:
“Being labelled a BD (bad driver) will make them a target for bullies and sneerers. It could easily stand for Bob Dylan, behavioural disorder or Big Dick. You’re opening a can of worms here. Then NG could be interpreted as nice girl or Nazi Germany. We need more time to think this over.”
Meanwhile, a move to force motorists to drive on the right side of the road in Fintona, Fivemiletown and Augher from tomorrow as part of a plan to gradually phase the whole county over by 2020, has been described as a brilliant idea by a man in Clogher.
DNA Results Indicate Ardboe Locals Emerged From Lough Neagh
Ardboe man, 1000 years ago
Rumours persisted this morning that an Ardboe man who bought a DNA-testing kit over the Internet from India is to release startling results after secretly collating DNA samples from most families in the area. Barman Josh Coney, who boasts of an unhealthy interest in dismembering rodents and small mammals for the craic, stealthily collected pint glasses from punters in the front bar of the clubroom and tested the samples in his makeshift lab down at the bottom room of his house. His scientific henchman, Kyle Devlin, leaked the news to an undercover reporter posing as a priest at confessions last weekend. The transcript makes for startling listening:
“Ghost-oh, we couldn’t believe the results when they filtered back from Bombay, Father. It torns out that all Devlins and Coyles are inextricably linked to the pollan fish. Pollan is a silvery trout-shaped fish, with a dark greeny-blue back…
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Alligator Attacks Derrytresk’s New Female Outdoor Synchronised Swimming Team
Several Derrytresk women are said to be ‘shook up a bit’ after their synchronised swimming team were savaged by an alligator in a field at the Annaghmore bend.
The recent floods have been so persistent that a local watersports executive was set up to utilise the situation and initiate a range of aqua-based activities including water polo, snorkelling and Olympic scuba-diving.
Coupled with the news that Derrytresk is to be re-categorised as an official Irish rainforest, the area has been a hive of outdoor activity on a par with Sydney according to tourists.
However, the recent alligator attack has forced the executive to carry out a health and safety check, confirmed today by Aqua-Sports Derrytresk Overseer Jamie Fitzgerald:
“The alligator attack was a bit of a surprise given that they’re native only to America and China. This is either global warming or someone has brought one home from the States and threw it in for badness. In any case, Linda Hanna has a bite on her leg and the description she gave us of the assailant sounds like an alligator. She said it was scaly, had dead eyes and smelt fishy.”
The Derrytresk Synchronised Swimmers were due to compete in the Mid-Ulster Championships against the Magherafelt Mummies, their first indoor competition since their formation a month ago. Problems have beset the team recently, including an unsightly public argument over the swimming costumes. Fitzgerald added:
“Yes, that was an extremely unseemly brawl outside the GAA club. Personally, I thought the skimpy outfits might get more votes but the majority settled on old-fashioned woollen attire, covering nearly everything. But no need to be punching the heads off each other.”
Local alligator hunter Sean McCourt has been summonsed to the fields with a hammer and a rope.
Gildernew’s Alleged Appearances On ‘Ninja Warrior’ May Be Deciding Factor
Artist’s impression
Unsubstantiated rumours that Michelle Gildernew’s successful run on ITV’s Ninja Warrior UK game show may have compromised her upcoming assembly election campaign have been labelled as ‘rubbish’ and ‘hardly, like’ by viewers of the show and most other people.
Gildernew, the much-respected and experienced former MP for Fermanagh and South Tyrone, has reportedly powered her way to the final of the show by obliterating the ‘quintuple steps’ and smashing the ‘warped wall’ in record times over the course of the series.
An Ninja Warrior UK insider revealed:
“She’s deadly. Her ‘Log Grip’ technique suggests a woman who has spent a lot of her youth out in the open, jumping over ravines and cutting trees. After ripping through the course, she’d purposely go for a dip in the icy cold water-traps, suggesting a woman not adverse to a bit of midnight skinny-dipping around Brantry Lough.”
However, avid viewers of the show refused to accept that the popular Gildernew had progressed to the final despite not being shown as a competitor over previous televised heats. Ninja Warrior fanatic Kieran Delaney from the Moy fumed:
“I don’t know where this rumour started. I’ve watched every episode, sometimes twice, and never once have they referred to a Sinn Fein politician participating, never mind winning three heats. I know Gildernew and she’s a great woman and I’ve no doubt she’d rip that course up if she tried but as far as I’m concerned she hasn’t participated in this series. Definitely not.”
Sinn Fein’s Ard Chomhairle are due to look over footage of the show before deciding whether or not to overturn the Fermanagh/South Tyrone selection committee result.
Meanwhile, Gildernew has decided not to defended her 50m sprint title at this year’s Aghaloo GFC Sports Day Over 40s Women’s Race.
Cappagh Zoo Closes After Two Weeks. Dogs Used As Zebras.
‘Brazilian Cougar’
Following a short inspection by the Irish Zoo Safety Team, Tyrone’s first fully fledged zoo was forced to close after it emerged that half the animals weren’t actually what they were advertised as.
Opened on the 12th January, Cappagh Zoo promised visitors ‘an experience of the jungle merged with the ultimate safari experience’ with tours starting at £25 for a one-hour visit. Suspicions emerged almost immediately on social media after a customer videoed ‘zebras’ in the Zebra Pit barking and urinating in a dog-like manner up against trees.
The tweeter, Paul Gargan, added:
“I was very suspicious. The ‘Deadly Cat’ was simply a fat cat, probably filled full of carbs and steroids. It just lay there scratching itself and meowing.”
Other messages began appearing, casting doubt on the ‘Japanese Orangutans’. Gargan explained:
“I personally know that supposed orangutan. He’s called ‘Hairy Harry’ and he lives up above Carrickmore. He’s remarkably hairy but he’s definitely Harry Gormley, not an orangutan.”
Several visitors demanded their money back after the ‘Exotic Aquarium’ featured several salmon, trout and eels just swimming about.
“Sure you’d see that every day down by the Glenelly River. I paid £75 for this. My two sons started crying at the camel section. It was obvious that the ‘Cameroonian Camel’ was a donkey with a lump on its back. What the lump is I don’t know but it’d need to be taken to the vet or put down.”
The Irish Zoo Safety Team took the decision to close the zoo after they discovered a ‘Jaguar’ (painted Alsatian) openly mating with a ‘Giraffe’ (Labrador), causing great distress to a group of primary school children.
Cappagh Zoo officials were unavailable for comment.
Dear Tessie – Tyrone Agony Aunt Volume 1
DEAR TESSIE,
My husband refuses to go shopping. Years ago, when we were just curting, he’d blissfully browse around Marks and Spencers or the Spar with me as I agonised over whether to buy brown or white bread for three quarters of an hour. Now that we’re married and with twelve children, he won’t set foot in any retail establishment. He says he gets severe panic attacks at the thought of it and when I mention the word ‘shop’ he rocks forwards and backwards, slapping his face with his hand, screeching ‘no’. What can I do? MELISSA, CABRAGH
TESSIE SAYS:
I’ve seen this many times before. I used to have a husband who’d set himself on fire as soon as I mentioned painting the gable wall. One day I called his bluff and painted it myself, a nice big union jack. I never had to ask…
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Roof Rabbit ‘Bumper’ To Launch Autobiography And Reality TV Show
Bumper on another escapade
Bumper the rabbit, who was discovered on Friday atop the roof of his owner’s home in Omagh after fierce winds from Storm Gertrude knocked over his hutch and catapulted him into the air, has revealed he’s to launch ‘Not A Happy Bunny’, the story of his rooftop ordeal.
The book, to be ghost-written by local journalist Ronald McSherry, will be launched at the same time as a Channel 4 reality TV show centred on the famous bunny and his daily life, entitled ‘It Could Be Stew’, which will be aired over nine episodes in the UK and Ireland.
Local vet Lisa Fortune maintains the book has come too soon:
“It’s a sign of the times. People cash in on their fleeting fame too often now and in this case, too soon. Bumper is in post-traumatic stress mode at the minute and isn’t capable of making rational decisions. The cynic in me thinks this McSherry writer put the rabbit up there himself so he can make a couple of pounds out of it but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt to Bumper as he is definitely stressed out a bit.”
The Channel 4 documentary/reality show will follow Bumper about on his daily business: sleeping, eating carrots, excreting in the corner of his hutch, and avoiding the cull for a nice stew in a local hostelry. Programme-maker Sir Harry Tubett is sure the show is going to be a hit:
“Bumper is a natural wit. You’d be talking away to him and he just stares at you, scrunching up his nose and showing his massive teeth. He’s a hilarious bunny. We’ve also great shots of people eating rabbit stew in Sally’s in the town and then we cut back to Bumper scrunching up his nose and showing his teeth, but with really sad music.”
Bumper’s agent confirmed the book will be in the shelves by March, in time for Easter. Bumper was unavailable for comment because he was sleeping.
Ardboe Man Sees Brian McGuigan’s Face In Pint Of Guinness. Some Sceptical.
Artist’s many attempts at recreating McGuigan’s face
With the news that the Old Cross of Ardboe is failing to pull in the tourist numbers it managed twenty years ago, the loughshore village received a potential boost when a local taxidermist, Larry Devlin, claimed late last night to a taxi driver standing outside the Battery Bar that he saw the face of Brian McGuigan in a pint of stout he bought shortly after midnight.
Devlin, who had just sobered up before offering an interview this morning, says his only regret is that no one else was in the bar drinking at the time whilst the barman was too busy counting the money he found down the sides of the seats.
“I couldn’t believe it boyso. I was having one for the road before I headed back to face herself and intended taking my time over it. I looked down at my…
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Harte Adopts Fresh Tactics In 2016
By Landan Seamy.
Mickey Harte – New Tactics
Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects that Mickey Harte is adopting a new tactic to frighten ‘southern teams’. The cunning plan dawned on him after reading the names of the Tyrone team that beat Derry in the final of the McKenna Cup.
“Usually,” explained McGrinny, “since I am a freelance spy and don’t get paid very much I can’t afford to buy a program going into the matches.
On Saturday evening I dressed up as a Senior Citizen in order to get into the match in Armagh at a reduced rate. My disguise worked well and the young man beside me seemed to take pity on my age for at half time he bought me a cup of tea and let me borrow his program. I nearly killed myself laughing when I saw the name sheet that Mickey Harte had handed in.
He called one of the Tyrone players Hugh Pat! Whilst those kind of double barrelled Christian names might be common down south they just don’t happen here.
Then I spotted the name Henry Og and I nearly wet myself. We all know in Tyrone that a child with the same name as the father would just be called “Wee” Henry or whatever.
I asked about 5 or 6 people coming out of the match if they agreed with me that Mickey was trying a new tactic and they nearly all did except for a few who were just trying to be awkward.
In order to prove to myself that I was correct I went home and fired off an email to the Queen’s Bench at the Royal Courts of Justice asking if anyone from the 6 counties had recently changed their name to Hugh Pat by deed poll. Needless to say I have had no response which more or less confirms my suspicions. I think this name changing tactic is a clever one coz the southerners will start to think we’re just as Irish up here as they are down there and then they’ll start to think we’re the match for them in all things Irish including football.”
There is a rumour that Kyle Coney has been told that he’s guaranteed a place on the team if he agrees to change his name to Cu Chulainn.
Donaghmore Director Sacked From New James Bond Production Team
Riveting scene from Grimes’ Bond film
A Donaghmore-born director has been put on gardening leave after ‘artistic differences’ during the filming for the new James Bond film, due to be released in 2017.
Kieran ‘Coco’ Grimes has since admitted to not having watched any of the previous Bond films as well as revealing he hasn’t directed a movie since his ill-fated production of his local youth club’s play ‘Reservoir Dogs’ in 2001 which left half the town in upturned and in flames.
Grimes (51) assumed complete control over the new Bond instalment, including making several radical alterations to the script and abandoning the iconic Aston Martin for a white van.
One of the main actors revealed how unworkable the new script was:
“Grimes had been given an unlimited budget and all the biggest stars but he decided to have Bond killed off after 10 minutes from pneumonia. Then the rest of the film was just about the wake, the funeral and then mourners drinking in the pub after the funeral. We had all these A-List actors just standing about getting full in a pub in London. There were a few fights alright between the celebrities but that was just normal drunken stuff. It would have flopped.”
Grimes accepted his fate but fumed at the lack of adventure from the rest of the production staff:
“Bond has been doing all his secret service stuff since the 60s they told me so he’s bound to be frail from all the running and susceptible to colds and flu. I was just trying to be realistic. But people want car chases, gadgets, bare women and baddies. Well they can have them but I’m off to do 50 Shades at the Bardic for the old people’s home Easter gala.”
Production manager Stefan Spellburger confirmed the film’s release date has been postponed a few months after the Grimes debacle, adding that the Donaghmore man’s changes – which also including Bond speaking only in Irish and Miss Moneypenny cast as a loyal German Shepherd – will be reversed. The film’s title, which Grimes had decided would be ‘Thon Boy’s Dead’, would be changed too.
Entreprenuer Makes Millions By Selling Wheelbarrowfuls Of Sperrin Air Despite Side Effects
Doherty with a barrowful of Sperrin Air
Recent tax returns have confirmed that a Greencastle entrepreneur has pocketed over £3.2m in profit due to his ‘Sperrin Air’ production line which sees customers buying wheelbarrows full of air he has gathered from high up in the Sperrin Mountains.
Dermie Doherty, who has over 140 wheelbarrows currently in action, travels up Sawel Mountain in the Sperrin range by foot and, armed only with his wheelbarrow, collects the natural high-altitude air by walking around randomly before wheeling it back to his yard and emptying it into jam jars or leaving it in the barrows for bulk sale.
However, despite a roaring trade and soaring profits, concerns have emerged over serious side effects including cheering on Derry and fancying close relatives. Long-time customer Patsy Hurl of Cappagh explained:
“There’s no better feeling than opening up a jar of Sperrin Air and breathing in the delights of pure mountain atmosphere. At £39.99 a shot it’s not cheap but you definitely feel healthier. But they way I cheered Emmet McGuckin’s penalty against my home county was a bit disconcerting. And then I fought a lad over my cousin’s affections at the Slaughtneil disco. I’m weaning off it.”
Doherty has promised to label the barrows or jam jars with a health warning that some may suffer Derry-related side effects but argued that the overall positives outweighed the cons:
“Only 3 in every 5 are showing signs of Derryitis. To me that’s good odds. I’m shipping 35 wheelbarrows full of Sperrin Air every day so I’m doing something right.”
Health watchdog ‘Fresh’ have asked customers to be careful when wheeling the air home as any spillage of the air from the barrow could contaminate Tyrone air with catastrophic effects.
Tyrone Women May Be Planning A New Easter Rising
By Landan Seamy
A future common sight in Omagh?
Local spy Sean McGrinny has reported that the women of Tyrone might be planning another Easter rising. With the 100-year anniversary of one of the most momentous events in Irish history on the horizon and media saturation in full flow, McGrinny maintains there may have been a mobilisation under the radar:
“I know it might sound ridiculous that women could do anything like this. My own wife is a woman” confessed Sean, “and I have stood in loads of queues behind women at bank machines; self service cash outs; and believe it or not I’ve even stood behind a woman ordering beer in a pub in Fintona. I know they’re a bit more reluctant about things but the world is changing. Sure didn’t a woman take charge of the football match between Fermanagh and Queens and she didn’t do too bad at all. Also you often see women on TV winning prizes for all kinds of stuff”.
Sean said that the entire scheme came to his attention when he noticed lots of women walking really fast around Omagh.
“They start out so fast you would think they had to get somewhere in a hurry but if you remain where you are you will see them marching back just as fast in about an hour. They hold their heads up proud and swing their arms like I’ve seen soldiers doing in the movies. They’re obviously training for something”.
Sean became convinced that there was something strange going on after he followed two of the women for a couple of miles.
“Not wanting to frighten them or to let on what I was up to I decided to follow them one night in the dark thinking they wouldn’t see me. I found it very hard to keep up however and as my breathing got heavier one of the women turned around and jumped to the conclusion that I was up to no good. Instead of acting normal they became very angry and started to shout and told me to f*#k off. Eventually one of them recognized me and told me that she would report me to Pauric. I know that this woman’s husband is called Pauric however I also deducted from her menacing voice that there was some sinister veiled threat there.”
Sean ended with a warning that everyone should take care because whilst the first Easter Rising was a pretty good one this one could be deadly with women in charge.
“I would tell the owners of all local businesses to be on the alert around Easter. I know that the men of 1916 took key government buildings like the Four Courts along with places of industry like Boland’s Mill but women might possibly try to occupy smaller places like pastry shops and hairdressers so my warning to everyone is to be on the alert”
East Tyrone Man Claims £700 Mileage Expenses After First Week Training West Tyrone Club
£700 mileage a week
Tyrone GAA officials are to monitor payments made to club managers in the county after a West Tyrone club were forced to activate a weekly fundraising initiative to cover the travel costs of their manager from the east of the county.
The club in question, on the Donegal border, were asked to hand out £700 to their loughshore-based manager after he claimed for mileage for the first week of training. It transpires he travels in a 1988 Mini up the Glenshane Pass in second gear, adding 45 miles on to the normal journey as it gives him ‘time to think about tactics and stuff‘.
Club chairman Henry King is worried about funds for the coming year:
It’s a costly business. We went with someone from the east as we wanted an injection of their exotic ways. So far he just makes them run around the field 25 times, a lock of press-ups and then fist-passing drills for 10 mins. I’m sure he’ll do something brilliant soon. But is there any need to drive in second gear up the mountain?”
In order to fund the mileage, the club is running a new lotto where you pick 10 numbers between 1-1000 and if you get all 10 you win the jackpot. There are no prizes for 3 numbers.
Meanwhile, there are confirmed reports that a club in mid-Tyrone have offered a house, 200 cattle and a local spinster to their new manager from Ballinderry.
Dromore Man Reports Imaginary Friend For Tax Fraud
Felix and ‘James’
In a highly unusual development, the imaginary friend of a Dromore bachelor is currently being questioned in an Omagh detention centre over failure to return tax forms since 1994 as well as neglecting to pay TV, dog and gun licences and other minor misdemeanours.
Felix McGinn (48), who turned his friend ‘James’ (also 48) in at 5pm yesterday, revealed he was finding it hard to maintain a friendship due to the mountain of skulduggery his childhood partner was indulging in since the 1994 ceasefire.
“He seemed to react to the ceasefire by creating his own mayhem. I caught him on numerous occasions tripping people going up for communion or stealing money from my own mother’s purse. To be honest, I just don’t know him any more.”
Listing a damning roll of illegal activities which included going to matches without paying in and urinating in the swimming pool, McGinn expects to see a speedy verdict of mass fraud and general anti-social behaviour:
“I’ll be glad to see the back of him. He was never there when I needed him and would only turn up when there was an opportunity to do some damage and I’d get the blame. He’d be whistling at women in the town and I’d be the one getting the slap.”
A PSNI Fraud Squad spokesman has confirmed that questioning has been ‘difficult’ with the imaginary suspect regularly refusing to answer questions or even appearing in the room.
Tyrone Tribulations 