Donemana Daredevil Still Not Back
A married Donemana stunt man has yet to return to earth following a winning “Deadly Leap” attempt at the Donemana Community Sports Day at the weekend. Francie McBurn was attempting to win the “Deadly Leap” competition for the first time having been out-jumped by his cousin Benny for the last 14 years consecutively. Competition rules stipulate that they are to reach the highest point possible for a human as long as they start from terra firma. He best friend and fellow former inmate Jemmy Hagan told us:
“Francie was determined to win it this year. He developed some kind of turbo-injection shoes that just shot him straight up into the air. I knew he hadn’t done a dry run of it as he thought there’d only be enough power for one shot at it. At first we cheered and yahoo-ed as he shot straight up into the sky. You could see the smile on his face. Then you just couldn’t see him at all. It has been three days now so we are beginning to get slightly alarmed. He definitely won though.”
McBurn’s shoes
His wife Kitty and three children still believe he’ll return before the week is out. Kitty, who has the “Deadly Leap” trophy sitting proudly on the mantlepiece for his return, was relatively calm about the prospect of him still being alive.
“Ach yiz are making a big deal of nothing. OK, I understand that if he kept going at that rate he’d be well into our stratosphere and possibly past the moon right now and I am aware of the whole lack of oxygen thing. But my Francie is a hardy lad and could drink anyone under the table. He’ll be here as he has to collect the bru on Friday. Young Francie Jnr does ask if ‘Daddy is down yet’ a lot and that can be a bit annoying. Even if he doesn’t return, he has the deadliest leap in Donemana and you can tell that to Benny McBurn,” she told us, laughing manically.
Kitty McBurn vehemently denied the accusations that this was a different sort of disappearing stunt as Francie is under investigation for benefit fraud.
Aghyaran Pensioners Won’t Talk To Each Other
Hughes and O’Neill in happier times
It has just been confirmed that the two remaining Aghyaran pensioners – Edna Hughes and Johnny O’Neill – have fallen out and are refusing to even mention each others’ names. Due to the high percentage of greenhouse gases produced by the highly flatulent cattle in the ara, life expectancy in the Aghyaran area has remained almost constant since the 1600s at around 40 for a man and 45 for a woman. Hughes (67) and O’Neill (66) hold almost celebrity status in the area such is their longevity, often opening pitches together or attending functions as guests of honour. Hughes and O’Neill are also the last surviving speakers of an almost-extinct West Tyrone dialect called Eoghainish. However, it looks like the locals will not hear a conversation in that tongue for the time being.
“He’s an ignorant fcuker”, Edna told us earlier. “We’d often meet up for a game of bridge or sing songs in Eoghainish but he was always correcting me in my grammar and pronunciation. Just because his father was a schoolmaster he thinks he knows it all. Well, I’ve had enough of his guff. He’s nothing without me. He might think he has the brains but I have the looks. I’m glad to be rid of him. He was always winking at me and making innuendos so I’ll not be missing that. I wouldn’t pish on him to put him out.”
O’Neill was equally adamant that he’ll not be making the first move at reconciliation. Speaking after collecting his pension from the PO, he said:
“I’ve not had a better day than today. Any day not having to look at that maggot-ridden hoor’s face is a good day in my book. I couldn’t stick the unyielding stench anyway. You’d think a woman of that age would wash the odd week. ‘Bini Bacht Gassan Yuru Ata Ici’ is an old Eoghainish phrase my da used to say – ‘there’s no sore ass like your own sore ass’. I don’t need another sore ass to be thinking about.”
The families of both issued a statement advising the media to stay well clear of the row as historically it ends in a bloodbath.
Gortin Man Steered Car With Pliers
A Gortin soup-maker, Marty Og Coyle, was arrested yesterday close to his own house after he was found to be steering his Nissan Sunny with a pair of pliers. Police noticed something unusual about the offending automobile as it took an extremely wide turn onto the Fintona Road which Coyle currently lives on. They also recognised that the driver was having difficulty straightening up the 1988 model. Out on £15 bail, Coyle took up the story:
“I was at my mother-in-laws and was mad keen to get away and home to see Joe Mahon on Lesser Spotted Ulster. He was in Plumbridge this week. I was maybe a bit excited and yanked the steering wheel clean off the motor just as I reversed back. Luckily I’d a pair of pliers in my pocket so I took it from there. I cannot see what the problem is. Granted, it’s a bit slow straightening up and I am taking the bends a fairly wide but sure everyone knows me in Gortin and usually steer well clear.”
PSNI photo after arrest
The PSNI were left no choice but to confiscate the car when they asked Coyle to step outside. He proceeded to climb into the back seat, into the boot and eventually managed to get out when an officer opened the boot from the outside.
“What’s the big effin deal? That’s how I’ve got out of that motor for nearly ten years now. I’d get home, beep the horn and one of the weans would run out and lift the boot up. I’m not doing any harm. I haven’t hit another motor yet. I bet them cops are ramming into lads every day. I’ll be back in her before long mark my words, as soon as I get break pads.”
The car has since been crushed.
Aghaloo Man Misheard Doctor Advice
An Aghaloo snake milker, Ned Johnson, was today recovering at home after a near-fatal misheard diagnosis left him in casualty soon after yesterday’s All-Ireland. Johnson, who milks snakes for research at Queen’s University, visited the doctor on Friday evening complaining of mouth ulcers.
“My gob had been killing me all week. I couldn’t ate a thing by Friday so I visited the doctor’s surgery in the middle of the village. My normal doctor, Dr Fargo, wasn’t in that day as he’s undergoing treatment himself for beer addiction in Armagh. I was seen by an Asian boy who gave me clear instructions when I gave him my details.”
As it transpired, Dr Ahmed couldn’t prescribe any medicine late that Friday as he needed clearance from Dr Fargo who was drying out in Armagh allegedly. Dr Ahmed takes up the story:
“I tried phoning Dr Fargo but he seemed, how can I put it, plastered. I told Mr Johnson to come back on Monday but in the mean time go to the garage and ask for some ice-cream and eat it slowly. That would soothe his mouth pain. They were clear instructions. In Aghaloo it appears not though.”
Not ice cream
We now know that Ned misheard the Pakistani medicine man’s advice and asked the boy at the checkout for some ass-cream. He was handed a tube of E45 which the ulcer-ridden Johnson slowly devoured after dinner on Sunday. It was as the Angelus came on that he began retching violently and was driven to Craigavon by his 9-year-old son. Johnson added:
“In years to come I’ll laugh about it but it was a harrowing experience. The stuff tasted worse than shite. Your man just got the wrong hole, God bless him.”
All-Ireland Final – A View From Tyrone
Tyrone Tribulations took a tour around the country this morning to catch people just walking about. We asked them for their views on today’s All-Ireland final between Mayo and Donegal.
Are Tyrone definitely not in it? In that case I’ll be watching the Eastenders Omnibus. It hasn’t been the same since Peggy Mitchell left. She was some blade. Took no crap. Reminded me of Mickey Harte without the stubble. JAMES MCCANN, Drumragh
I’m going for Mayo. There’s something about McGuinness that unnerves me. Some say he looks like Jesus. I see the buckin devil. Those big thick eyebrows. His eyes are dead inside, like Jaws in Jaws 1 and 2. The wife’s fond of him but she also had a notion for Pete McGrath and Sean Boylan so it seems to be a management thing. I’ve applied for a management job at Moy Park. Maybe that’ll rekindle the romance. JOHN MOORE, Edendork
I couldn’t give two fooks. HENRY MCGUIGAN, Ardboe
Ah, I’ll be supporting Donegal. Them big strapping lads like Murphy and McFadden I could watch all day long. Young McHugh and Lacey mightn’t be as easy on the eye but sure look at the ugly fcukers we have in Tyrone. I’d tackle livestock before curtin a Tyrone man. JENNY ARCHER, Dungannon
And I’ll tell you another thing. Shove that microphone in my bake again and you’ll be pulling it out of your hole. Ye hear me? Now fook away aff. HENRY MCGUIGAN, Ardboe (again)
To tell you the truth I’ll not be watching it atall. I’d be big into the religion now and I don’t think people should be playing things are enjoying themselves on a Sunday. I’ve just come back from tying up all the swings in the local play park. God be with you. CECIL WINTERBOTTOM, Tullyhogue
Donegal – no doubt. I’ve seen enough from that day they met us earlier in the year. You shoulda seen the size of their teeth and ears. Their eyes bulged and they were at least 1-2 feet taller than our lads. Penrose looked like a gnome. I’m not saying they’re completely off their heads on steroids but there’s something they’re eating and we need the recipe. Some big mad fecking new spud or something. Donegal by 17 points. PETER RYAN, Omagh
Ach probably Mayo but here listen, were there any cops up the road? The bastards were dipping last night in Donemana I heard. GARY MULGREW, Loughmacrory
Derrytresk Consider Relocating To The West
Derrytresk Townland Committee have called an extraordinary meeting tonight to consider moving the whole area to somewhere west in the county, it has emerged in the last twenty minutes. Listing a plethora of reasons, it appears that the move could take place with immediate effect or at least before Christmas. Committee member Alfie Fitzgerald was adamant the motion will be passed:
To tell you the truth we’re sick and tired of living down here. For ten months of the year the whole place is flooded, turning the turf to shite. Then when the sun does come out for a few days the midges have you ate alive as well as any flowers or plants you foolishly attempted to grow. Add to that you have the roar of the M1 up the road and those bastards driving the trucks from Tamnamore to Cookstown taking a short cut through Derrytresk, bucking up the road which is re-tarmaced 10 times a year. Plus there’s that noise the Lough makes on a windy night. Who in their right mind would want to live here? We’re getting out. Derrylaughan is welcome to it. Them boys would live in their own mess.
Derrytresk yesterday
Information on where they’re moving to appears sketchy at the minute and how the actual shifting of Derrytresk to another part of the county will take place. Fitzgerald attempted to clarify the situation:
Sure it’ll be no bother. Tonight we’ll draw up the names of all the families in Derrytresk and they’ll receive a letter this week informing them of how and when to get to their new abode. If we have to shift houses brick by brick we’ll do it. Myself and another boy has spotted an area below Drumquin on the map with no name on it. We’ll move there. Listen, the positives outweigh the bother of moving. We’ll be closer to Bundoran for holidays and maybe Mickey Harte will start picking some of our lads. He doesn’t like the East you know. That’s another thing, we’ll be taking the pitch, Church and school as well as most of the blackberries that haven’t been infested with them there flies that are enormous this year.
Derrylaughan Townland Committee chairman welcomed the move, saying they plan to use the extra space to build some kind of Loughshore Visitor Centre to rip off the foreigners or people from the south.
Augher/Clogher 2022 World Cup Bid Rejected
Residents in Augher and Clogher woke today to the disappointing news that Fifa have rejected their joint bid to host the 2022 World Cup at the first round of eliminations. The ambitious project was hoping to see off rivals Argentina, Australia and China but fell short in what Fifa described as ‘major accomodation issues’. Augher Lord Mayor Jackie McKenna, who headed the bid, announced the decision from Fifa this morning outside the Spar:
“We are bitterly disappointed. My committee put a lot of effort in to taking pictures of fields and makeshift pitches, put them all onto a PowerPoint and sent it in an email. Finding someone who could do all that computer stuff wasn’t easy. Although this is a set-back, we will regroup and perhaps target the 2024 Olympics. We will bring a major world event to Tyrone, mark my words.”
Plans were made for successful bid
Fifa sent back a list of reasons why they couldn’t advance the Augher/Clogher bid to the next round. They included the need to seat up to 100’000 people in a stadium, house half a million more fans in the area and general lack of media facilities to cope with 188 TV stations from around the world. McKenna claims this was a smokescreen:
To be honest, that’s a load of balls. There’s talk of a new Subway being built in Fivemiletown. We have this Spar, a Post Office and a few pubs. What more do these foreigners want? We got promises from a couple of local joiners that they’d build a big wooden stand and all. Also, my nephew is training to be a spark and he could have wired up a few plugs for the TV boys. As for accommodation, have they never heard of caravans? They’re prejudiced against small rural villages like ourselves. Aghayaran said they were laughed at by Fifa officials in 1970 when they tried to rival the Mexico bid.
In a show of strength, Augher is today hosting their Horn Dance which is performed by six deer-men who wear reindeer horns. The dancers follow a 10 mile course and perform the horn-dancing ritual in 12 different locations in and around the village, whilst the musician plays tunes such as “The Farmers Boy” and “Uncle Mick” on a melodeon, with accompaniment from a triangle.
Coalisland/Clonoe Clergy Raring To Court Women
It has emerged today that the clergy in Coalisland and Clonoe are to descend on Cookstown tonight to gather vital information on how to court and woo women. Following the recent revelation that Jesus may have been married all along, the priests in the East Tyrone parishes are waiting for the green light from the Vatican to begin chasing women.
“This is great news”, Fr Niblock told us. “The news about Christ has changed everything. If it was good enough for Him, well, it’s only a matter of time before Pope Benny gives us the go-ahead to get stuck into the blades. Myself and a couple of newer priests are hitting Clubland tonight to see how it’s done. As you can imagine we’re rightly out of shape. I get very nervous if I look at a woman even from a great distance. Funny, we were practising on each other last night, chat up lines and that, and it was a disaster. We haven’t needed to approach women since we were 14 and back then you’d be acting the hard man and ask things like ‘are ye ridin?’ That won’t work now I’m sure. We all bought aftershave today.”
Ready to go on the rip
Local women in the Coalisland area welcomed the news that the local clergy will possibly provide a fresh market in what they describe as ‘cat area’ for finding a man. 22 year old Eilish Chambers pulled no punches:
“Let’s be honest. The boys in this area wouldn’t be the best now. If you’re approached by a lad from the Washingbay Road or the Stewartstown direction you can guarantee three things: He’ll smell of diesel and cattle, he’ll just grunt instead of talking like a normal human and he’ll attempt to carry you under his arm instead of hand-in-hand. I’m sick and tired of courting fellas from here who just talk of twin cams, diffing and bulling. These priests will seem like Hollywood stars. I’m sure they’ll be a bit raw at first but give them a couple of weeks and they’ll get the hang of us. I pray to God every night that the Pope gives them the nod.”
The police are on standby tonight outside the Glenavon area as a backlash is expected from single lads from the lowlands. Although the clergy will be in civvies, the Munchie Militia have issued a statement that anyone who even just looks holy will get a kicking.
Tyrone To Sell Off Castlecaulfield
Castlecaulfield RIP
The Tyrone Council sparked outrage in parts of the county today when they announced they are to sell off Castlecaulfield to the highest bidder in an attempt to ‘make a bit of money’. The news came as a shock to the inhabitants of the sleepy Tyrone village who were still celebrating their joint third place in the 2011 Ulster in Bloom competition, beaten only by Keady and Swatragh. In a statement released this morning, the Tyrone Council’s Petsey McCann explained the decision:
“People don’t realise who much money it costs to keep Tyrone in the manner they’re accustomed to. They look around and think it’s a great place altogether. Well, we’ve news for them. It doesn’t buckin keep itself. When everyone’s in bed we’re out mowing hedges in Galbally, removing cow clap from the roads in Derrytresk and painting over teenage graffiti in Omagh. The diesel money alone is crucifying us. The red stuff isn’t as cheap as it was and running the engine on cooking oil was attracting large rodents like badgers after dark. One of our volunteers was attacked by a mink in Creenagh. We had to sell a bit to make ends meet and sure some people think Castlecaulfield is a mythical place like hell.”
Residents in Castlecaulfield see it differently. One local, Mary Rankin, told us she wasn’t surprised about the decision.
“Ah holy Jaysus. It’s come to this, has it? I knew those shower a bastards would sell us off. There’s been no Interent here since 2010. They’ve been trying to break us for years and now they’ve taken the cowardly way out. Well, I can tell you this. We’re not going down without a fight. I don’t care if the Vatican buys us. There will be blood! I’ll bate the bollocks clean off any foreigner who thinks he owns me.”
McCann intimated that there has been a few interested buyers already with McDonalds, Louis Walsh, Big Tom, Richard Branson, Rich Tea Biscuits and Sean Quinn mentioned as potential purchasers. All Castlecaulfield members of the Tyrone GAA county teams at every level were told not to show their face again at training, whilst election voting privileges were withdrawn. The word Castlecaulfield has also been outlawed.
Plumbridge Police Smash Underground Black Pudding Ring
Poor Croatian Black Puddings
The remaining three members of the PBPB (Plumbridge Black Pudding Boys) are still said to be at large after a raid on their underground premises saw two arrested and a confiscated black pudding estimated value of around £120. The five-strong gang have been terrorising other black pudding vendors in the greater Plumbridge area since 2008, cornering the market on the blood-filled sausage. The recent tip off came about after one of the five let it slip to Fr Toner in confessions that he’d fallen out with his comrade over the bulk price of a recent shipment.
“I know confessions are meant to stay confidential but this was simply too big an issue. The poor quality of black puddings in Plumbridge recently has been unbearable. We’ve envied the Gortin and Crannagh lads eating away at their Cookstown Meats puddings whenever they wanted to. Here, with the market monopolised by the PBPB and their terrible Croatian import, life had been almost unlivable, especially in the morning. The clergy were no different. I dare any man, woman or child in The Plum to say they function well without a slap of black puddings in the morning. If they do, damn them to eternal hell.”
PBPB leader Jack Rafferty confessed to Fr Toner that relationships within the group were at breaking point over the pricing system. With the locals dependent on the group for their fix, some wanted to charge them £9.99 for 30g, three times the going rate for the Cookstown variety. This came soon after a previous fallout when Rafferty chastised one of their member for excessive strong-arm tactics. Fr Toner continued:
“Rafferty said there were holes already in the initiative after a junior PBPB member made a show of himself by staring threateningly at a traveling meat van in the area. Although it went unnoticed Rafferty knew some were getting too big for their boots by staring and all.”
Fr Toner said he won’t be revealing any other confessional secrets in case anyone was worried. He went on to claim that he’s put a curse on the on-the-run remaining members that they suffer from severe diarrhea for the next 12 months.
Ardboe Man Arrested For Directing Traffic Away From The Village
Ardboe poet, James Coyle, was seeking bail this evening after being arrested for illegal traffic directing near his own house, for the last four weeks. The frustrated writer admitted to buying “one of them luminous yellow work jackets and trousers” and getting up at 7am each morning to stop all traffic from driving through the centre of Ardboe for 28 consecutive days.
“I had a fair idea something was wrong,” local shopkeeper Henry Coney told us. “I hadn’t seen a car since August and had only sold 20 Irish News, 16 pan loaves, 3 bulbs and a few litres of milk since school started. I knew James was annoyed that no one had attended his open house poetry reading session in The Battery but what did he expect? The last poet in Ardboe was chased out of it for coming over that oul fancy talk. There’s no place for that here. Ghost oh, sure Heaney wouldn’t last thirty seconds here.”
Coyle at work
A close relative of Coyle told us of James’s recent heartache in recent months and can understand why he decided to deprive the rest of Ardboe of any trade.
“Coyle wasn’t good at the fishing and was fired from his job working for Quinn Construction because he couldn’t dig a hole. He’d also been turned down repeatedly by Cookstown District Council after applying for a fuel hardship grant, dog kennel registration, pig-letting license and a caravan site application. Then he took to writing poems and sent a hand-written invite to every house in Ardboe for a reading session in the pub and no one turned up. The Battery’s usually full on a Friday too.”
It now seems that Coyle decided if he wasn’t earning any money then the rest of Ardboe’s business people wouldn’t get a penny either. By simply standing on the road in to the village every morning with a shovel, yellow jacket and a stop sign, he directed every motor towards Brocagh since the 27th of August. He was arrested when, whilst he took a toilet break, the postman finally broke through to find out the roads were in perfect working order. Police arrived before he was almost lynched by local tradesmen who shouted abuse at him such as ‘the oul poety bollocks’ and ‘typical of them there Coyles’. The trial continues.
Tattyreagh Woman Wins ‘A Lock Of Euros’ In Irish Lotto
The former Miss Tattyreagh 1981, Janice McCabe, was today celebrating her stroke of luck after winning some money in the Irish Lotto. Champagne corks were heard all over the townland last night when the news spread of McCabe’s good fortune, coming soon after her uncle Dan won £20 in a scratch card whilst on holidays in Bundoran.
“I nearly didn’t do the lotto this week. My husband told be he’d run out of cigarette paper so I shot down and noticed there was still a couple of minutes before the lotto cut off time. I ordered a lucky dip, a Yorkie and a packet of Rizla. I couldn’t believe my luck that night when I checked the numbers. This couldn’t have come at a better time.”
Celebrations went long into the night
The McCabes had been experiencing a torrid time recently with the news that a few loose tiles had been noticed outside the shower door hinting at a bit of damp. Her husband Leon had also been suffering from a heavy cold recently and was “a bit of a bear” according to the former beauty queen.
“We need to sit down and decide what to do with the money. There are so many things I need doing here in the house and it looks like thon miserable bollocks isn’t getting up off his hole. Thank the Lord for those three numbers and the bonus. He works in mysterious ways. At last Tattyreagh is on the map”
When this reporter pointed out that she’d only be picking up €27, McCabe initially refused to believe it before launching into an expletive tirade on the Irish government calling them “an fcukin shower of thieving hoors” and “crooks”. She is also refusing to pay the bar bill from last night’s premature celebrations in The Middle House.
Loughmacrory Didn’t Know Making Poitin Was Illegal
A typical Loughmacrory working day
A successful raid on most homes in Loughmacrory late last night has proven fruitless despite the discovery of 48 poitin-making distilleries within a two-mile radius. This morning, the judge accepted the unanimous defence plea that they didn’t know what they were doing was illegal. The midnight swoop caught most of the townland on the hop with the PSNI quoting up to 6000 litres of the homemade alcohol retrieved. They had been tipped off by the loose talk around Omagh regarding a permanent state of happy drunkiness in Loughmacrory as well as a persistent alcoholic haze in the general area.
“I’d just finished brewing my 6th bottle of the night and was about to shut up shop when the peelers burst in,” a local cat castrator told us. “I thought they were here for the poaching but they just starting lifting the drop of the hard stuff. I told them it was £7 a bottle and the main man told me not to be cheeky. How were we to know it was illegal? I’d never saw no adverts on it and it isn’t in the ten commandments.”
At the trial this morning it soon emerged that no one in Loughmacrory thought it was outside the law. One mother told the judge that she’d often send her children to school with a pinch of poitin in their flasks “cos it was cheaper than diluted juice”. The jury took no time to decide that the locals should be given a by-ball as long as they all undertake a course in what’s lawful in today’s society.
Judge McGrath concluded:
“It is abundantly clear now that Loughmacrory has been overlooked when it comes to the rules and regulations of law abiding citizenship. Further investigations have shown up no pre-conception of car insurance, road tax, land laws, tv or dog licensing, VAT and every other government tax going. It really is the back-end of beyond, time-locked in a period perhaps before Christ himself. All families will undertake a 12-week induction into normal day-to-day life in the 21st century.”
He added that their skills were above average as he had sampled the poitin himself and that it “wasn’t bad at all for seven quid“.
Eskra Woman’s Cabbage Soup Diet Left Her Lonely
An Eskra woman, who has lost 3 lbs following a cabbage soup diet she read about in a magazine, has revealed the extent of her misery since the start of her mammoth weight-loss plan. Speaking from her home in Cormore, Elsa Marlowe admitted that although the weight has dropped off her, the stench coming from her every orifice was unbearable for family and friends.
“It was great to start off with. Before this, I couldn’t have looked at a cake for more than three seconds and it was in my gob. All of it. My husband was always trying to get me to take up some kind of dieting fads. He even had an alarm system on the fridge which he activated between the hours of 12am and 6am. I set it off 2-3 times a night. It was then that I tried the cabbage diet. Initially it was tough. The smell of cabbage soup is bad at the best of times but I was drinking a litre of it every hour. It works though.”
Marlowe’s breakfast
Marlowe began to notice a putrid smell seeping from her pores and her sweat was a kind of green colour. The final straw occurred when her husband built a shed out the back for him and the rest of the family to live in.
“I knew it was affecting them. The children would play out in the rain instead of watching TV with me. I just couldn’t give up though. I weighed myself after 21 days of only devouring the cabbage soup and I’d lost a pound. A POUND! I was delighted and from then on I was hooked. I’ve stopped going to the Town Pub because the barman intimated that I was upsetting the regulars. I have my own office at work which is handy but I’ve noticed all the plants have died. My clothes also seem to smell of nothing but boiled cabbage.”
Marlowe says she’ll continue to use the diet until another couple of pounds have fallen off her, before breaking wind. She has also been barred from entering Clogher.
Brian Og Maguire
Tyrone Tribulations would like to offer their heartfelt condolences to the family of Brian Og Maguire at this extremely sad time. Our thoughts and prayers are with them.
Benburb Priest Rares Up Over Parking Spot
Well known Benburb cleric, Fr McNally(originally from Maghery), has stunned the Benburb parishioners by going on a verbal rampage during Stations of the Cross tonight in St Mary’s Church. It has emerged that the reason for his outburst surrounded the decision of sacristan Mrs Gildernew to park in his spot outside the vestry door. Although the car park was three-quarters empty, Fr McNally took issue with the sacristan’s manoeuvrings, three minutes before he arrived on the scene.
“I’d never seen the likes of it,” avid church-goer Kitty Mulgrew told us. “The good Father just went berserk calling the whole parish a ‘bunch of selfish pricks‘. He said that’ll be the last time he’ll set foot in this ‘hellhole of a place‘. Then he lit on the Gildernew family saying they were a shower of Eglish blow-ins anyway. It was savage stuff.”
An artist’s impression of Fr McNally
Things took a turn for the worse when he ordered the altar boys to bounce Mrs Gildernew’s car out of his parking square. The young boys, aged 8-11, only managed to slightly move her Ford Ka before Mr Gildernew arrived with a shotgun. Mulgrew added:
“It was like a real western scene, the likes never seen in Benburb before. Patsy Gildernew told the altar boys to get back into the vestry but the Father was blocking their way. It was only when Gildernew threatened to blow his head back to Maghery that Fr McNally relented. Jaysus we thought it was one of them British soaps.”
Mrs Mulgrew has since resigned from her sacristy post and took a taxi home, leaving the car there for badness.
Dregish Apologise For Eating Missionary
Despite a gap of 160 years, the people of Dregish have finally apologised for cooking and eating a Scottish Missionary on September 13th 1852. The act of contrition occurred as a local witchdoctor, still practising in the area, finally decided that the cannibalistic deed was indeed responsible for their lack of silverware on the football field. He advised that an apology should be issued to help break the lengthy curse.
“I’d heard about the human feasting in Dregish as I child growing up in the area but thought no more of it,” local joiner Pat Bunion told us. “When you think about it we’ve been fairly dry when it comes to success so an apology to the family of Tamish McStocker is worth a punt. I’d heard that only his boots were left and they even tried to chew through those. He was said to be delicious but a little salty.”
Cannibalism in Dregish, 1800s
How McStocker had annoyed the Dregish villagers is still unclear. Some documentation points to the possibility of him indicating that the women in Drumquin, were he had just come from, were ‘prettier than the Dregish women’.
“There’s a big rivalry between ourselves and Drumquin, especially regarding the women. To be honest, if a man said that today whilst in Dregish he still might get the same treatment. There’d be a short fuse around these parts. There was a preacher from America here last year and he was going on about salvation far too much. We had him boiling in a big pot, alive, before the PSNI intervened. Unfortunately, there’s no place for cannibalism in Ireland these days and we’re poorer for it”
The public apology with be followed up by a ceremony in Dregish involving McStocker’s great, great, great grandson who will be presented with the half-chewed boots his ancestor wore that fateful day. Dregish play Beragh this weekend.
New Public Toilet For Newtownstewart
Horns were blaring through the historic village of Newtownstewart tonight after the Tyrone County Council (TCC) announced they have granted permission to erect a public toilet in the centre of the Main Street. In the second of its kind in Tyrone, the TCC hope it will bring tourists to the hamlet and give the locals something to be proud of.
“We want the Newtownstewart people to puff their chests with pride when they see a foreigner stopping off to do their business in the toilet”, said TCC spokesperson Audi Pyper. “It’s a state of the art facility with velvet toilet roll, a flush that you hardly hear from the outside and these hand driers that blow air onto your hands. Call me crazy but I can envisage people from as far as Strabane coming here for a rattle at it.”
The Coalisland toilet debacle, May 2012.
The TCC will be keeping a close eye on the lavatory after the failed experiment in Coalisland earlier this year. A £10 million toilet was opened in the East Tyrone town but only one person managed to have a go on it. The celebrations were so wild after the first successful attempt at a flush that hundreds of frenzied locals began ripping the thing apart, in sheer excitement. It was only afterwards, when they looked at the rubble, that they realised what they’d done. Newtownstewart Lord Mayor Mary Murray told us that no such scenes will be repeated on her patch.
“I can assure the public that this toilet will stand the test of time. Anyone who gets too excited after the first successful usage and flush will be shot, no warning. Also, after the first roll of toilet roll is done, users will be asked to provide their own toilet roll or docken leaves. Anyone who blocks the toilet because of an unusually big stool will be banned, permanently.”
Schools in the area have begun an essay competition to see who will have first go on the new toilet, entitled “I’m Right To Have A Shite”.
Flu Epidemic In The Rock Blamed On ‘The Brits’
An influenza episode which has ripped through the sleepy village of Rock shows no sign of abating today with the finger firmly pointed at ‘the Brits’ according to the regulars in McLernon’s Pub. At the time of going to print it was estimated that 300 of the 302 population had contracted the ‘flu with the only healthy bodies being an elderly English couple who live on the Cookstown Road.
“I’ve never seen the like of it”, a sniffling Gerry Gourley told us. “There’d be boys coming in here ordering half’uns and the snatters and slabbers would be tripping them. Their wholes faces would be covered in that oul shite, the eyebrows stiff hard from it. But sure it’s The Brits. You’re telling me it’s just a coincidence that the Scunthorpes up the road don’t have it? Pull the other one. They’re trying to break us.”
A Rock man, today
This is the latest in a line of local incidents in the Rock blamed on ‘The Brits’. The bad smell, a nest of dead sparrows, 3 broken bicycle chains, the rain, the poor quality coal, dog excrement at the football field and the overwhelming desire to attend cock-fighting has all been laid squarely at the feet of ‘The Brits’ despite the absence of a British military presence in the Rock for ten years now. A drunken Gourley added:
“We need to be vigilant. Them boys are capable of anything. Yesterday Mrs Tally nearly slipped on a half eaten KitKat left outside her back door and her snattered to the gills. Why would someone eat half a KitKat? Who would do something like that? The Brits, that’s who. Them boys are well fed with their big necks and all”
‘The Brits’ have refused to comment but we were told David Cameron is looking into it and was seen carrying a big folder with ‘The Rock’ written on it this morning.
Donaghmore Clamper Clamps Himself
Notorious privatised Donaghmore clamper Jamesy McMahon accidentally clamped himself whilst clamping a 1999 Ford Escort parked illegally in the village main street outside Costcutters. McMahon, who was given exclusive clamping powers by Stormont in 2009 for that area, was still receiving treatment in Craigavon Hospital last night for severe leg wounds and battered pride.
Clamper McMahon
Hoping to nail his 311th clamping this year in Donaghmore, McMahon was disturbed in the process of securing another £90 by a passenger shouting obscenities at the Donaghmore terror.
“I was just doing my job. Patsy King knows he shouldn’t abandon that rust-bucket there. That’s the 6th time I’ve caught him. Just as I secured the final bolt, Johnny Donnelly drove past and called me a ‘good for nothing oul bollocks’. I made a move to offer the middle finger in return when my leg jerked inside the clamp and the bastard thing locked itself. It was excruciatingly painful and extremely embarrassing. I was vulnerable and scared. I thought they were going to eat me”
Before long, the whole of Donaghmore were out on the street clodding McMahon with potatoes, lumps of meat and scalding tea and performing some kind of cannibalistic dancing ritual. A good samaritan phoned the clamping man in Pomeroy who arrived within an hour to release McMahon, charging him £90 for the service. The ambulance arrived to take McMahon to Craigavon but he still managed to re-clamp the Ford, laughing as he was escorted into the emergency vehicle, shouting ‘yiz pack a effin hillbillies. I’ll be back’.
Tyrone Tribulations 